jwi71 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 NM, Sorry to find you in the same boat I'm in...my W also had an A (her boss) which ultimately ended my M. My stbxw didn't want a D either -they RARELY do. As far as their R goes...it will not likely last. I see a combination of factors...the "fog" or honeymoon period of an R and they have turned to each other with the "world out to get them", each feeds the needs of the other (for now). However, as things settle down...reality will come knocking. Reality is really not much of a house guest...he never leaves and is often rude. And he will kill their R. And you will prolly take great joy at that. I did when my stbxw and her OM fell to pieces. And then I felt really sorry for her. I still do. Question is...what will YOU do when that happens?
three_zero Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I hooked up with a married man and three months later he left his wife. When we got to know each other before we got involved he repeatedly said he was going to leave his wife. They had been married for over 20 years and the relationship was over before I came in. Honestly. I'm not justifying getting involved...yeah it was wrong, but in his words it was over years before and they were just staying together for the kids. We stayed together for 2 years by the time his divorce was finalized. I moved in around that time. About 2.5 years later we got married. It lasted 2 years and 5 months. We were together a total of 7.5 years. I think this is a rare occurance. I had a boyfriend I jumped from when I got involved with the married guy. Again....not a great move and I have a pattern of jumping from one to the next and so on. But back to you....I loved my ex husband. We are stilll good friends. The situation was complicated and over 7.5 years I changed. I always felt guilty about getting involved with him. I tried to reach out to his wife, emailed, wrote a letter, tried to speak with her, but she always blew me off. She was hurt and it was always uncomfortable. I took in two teenagers that were torn. Love doesn't conquer all. Hope this helps. If I can offer any suggestion....it's to take care of yourself and move on with your life. I got to see the ex wife of my ex husband never let go and she's one of the most depressing people I've ever met. You can't change anyone...only yourself. Just try to accept that it wasn't meant to be. People make mistakes and hurt themselves and others without realizing it. Affairs are pretty addictive. Ultimately I think they are a dead end.
girlwithglasses Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I hope in time you will reconsider your approach. My H left his XW to be free to pursue a relationship with me. We are now married and I am stepmother to his children. Every time their mother has to be in the same space with me or my husband she loses it. Even at school functions for the kids. For some reason she thinks her anger is negatively affecting my life or my husband's life but the reality is hubby and I aren't really affected by it at all. The true victims are her and her own children. Her, because the resentment has kept her stuck in the end of that marriage and she hasn't been able to rebuild her life or find love again. Her children, because they are embarrassed by their mother's behavior, they want us all to get along and they're tired of having to take care of her emotionally. If your wife is going to pursue a relationship with this guy you can't stop her and you might end up making it even harder on your kids if you don't let go of your anger. Give yourself some time. This quote sums up what I am trying to say: “Holding onto resentment and hatred is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” - Siddhartha Gautama
jj33 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Girl with glasses, that is a great quote. And so so true. I have to remember that.
Author Nightmare Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 I hope in time you will reconsider your approach. My H left his XW to be free to pursue a relationship with me. We are now married and I am stepmother to his children. Every time their mother has to be in the same space with me or my husband she loses it. Even at school functions for the kids. For some reason she thinks her anger is negatively affecting my life or my husband's life but the reality is hubby and I aren't really affected by it at all. The true victims are her and her own children. Her, because the resentment has kept her stuck in the end of that marriage and she hasn't been able to rebuild her life or find love again. Her children, because they are embarrassed by their mother's behavior, they want us all to get along and they're tired of having to take care of her emotionally. If your wife is going to pursue a relationship with this guy you can't stop her and you might end up making it even harder on your kids if you don't let go of your anger. Give yourself some time. This quote sums up what I am trying to say: “Holding onto resentment and hatred is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” - Siddhartha Gautama I understand your point, but the the truth is I cant blame her for her resentment towards you and your husband. Im assuming you had an affair with him while he was married to her. If so, you ( and him) are the the reason her family was destroyed. I dont know any particulars about her marriage but I assume there was no major issues, at least in my case there wasnt. It is unfortunate for the kids, but I have to assume the children feel resentment towards you, and if they are too young now they probably will as they get older. Again, I dont know you or any details of your situation, so take no offense please. I do however have a friend whos parents went through a similiar situation, and her relationship with her mother(cheater) was never the same. Basically what alot of people are saying is "get over it". I dont see it happening, I have gotten better somewhat.
NoIDidn't Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I hope in time you will reconsider your approach. My H left his XW to be free to pursue a relationship with me. We are now married and I am stepmother to his children. Every time their mother has to be in the same space with me or my husband she loses it. Even at school functions for the kids. For some reason she thinks her anger is negatively affecting my life or my husband's life but the reality is hubby and I aren't really affected by it at all. The true victims are her and her own children. Her, because the resentment has kept her stuck in the end of that marriage and she hasn't been able to rebuild her life or find love again. Her children, because they are embarrassed by their mother's behavior, they want us all to get along and they're tired of having to take care of her emotionally. If your wife is going to pursue a relationship with this guy you can't stop her and you might end up making it even harder on your kids if you don't let go of your anger. Give yourself some time. This quote sums up what I am trying to say: “Holding onto resentment and hatred is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” - Siddhartha Gautama I might agree with your conclusion, but I totally understand why this woman loses it around you. I wish people had more compassion for those that they trample on in life. The way this post reads, its like compassion for the OP (Nightmare) but contempt for the woman who's family was upended with absolutely no remorse. The kids might be embarrassed by her now, but when they start to recognize this contempt coming from you (and possibly their dad), they are going to defend their mom. As for the OP, like I said, I agree with her conclusion. I know you might not want her to continue on with her AP, but you really don't have a say in it. The only thing you can do if you want to be really nasty about it, is put it in the separation and divorce decrees that she isn't to have another man around your kids for a year. Or some other thing to protect your kids from the situation that you find unsavory. I didn't want my H to end up with his AP, but if he did, there wasn't much that I was going to be able to do about it. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Have you considered family counselling to help your kids get through this tough time?
Author Nightmare Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 I might agree with your conclusion, but I totally understand why this woman loses it around you. I wish people had more compassion for those that they trample on in life. The way this post reads, its like compassion for the OP (Nightmare) but contempt for the woman who's family was upended with absolutely no remorse. The kids might be embarrassed by her now, but when they start to recognize this contempt coming from you (and possibly their dad), they are going to defend their mom. As for the OP, like I said, I agree with her conclusion. I know you might not want her to continue on with her AP, but you really don't have a say in it. The only thing you can do if you want to be really nasty about it, is put it in the separation and divorce decrees that she isn't to have another man around your kids for a year. Or some other thing to protect your kids from the situation that you find unsavory. I didn't want my H to end up with his AP, but if he did, there wasn't much that I was going to be able to do about it. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Have you considered family counselling to help your kids get through this tough time? I agree, I know there is nothing I can do about it. It is still early in the game and things for my wife and the AP have progressed rather fast, I dont know if thats good or bad. Its been less than a month from when she was begging me to take her back to now almost living with this guy. My whole thing is not that I want her back, but to end with this man. You see much like Girlwithglasses stated as far as school functions, I dont want to be in those situations. I can tell you now I will not handle it well and I dont think I ever will. I can tell you also that the OM's wife pretty much feels the same. However he has cheated on his wife previously,so she has been through this before. I feel like eventually they will get tired of dealing with the situation the way it is and end this nonsense. Its like theyre in a fog and want to take on the world.
girlwithglasses Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I might agree with your conclusion, but I totally understand why this woman loses it around you. I wish people had more compassion for those that they trample on in life. The way this post reads, its like compassion for the OP (Nightmare) but contempt for the woman who's family was upended with absolutely no remorse. The kids might be embarrassed by her now, but when they start to recognize this contempt coming from you (and possibly their dad), they are going to defend their mom. As for the OP, like I said, I agree with her conclusion. I know you might not want her to continue on with her AP, but you really don't have a say in it. The only thing you can do if you want to be really nasty about it, is put it in the separation and divorce decrees that she isn't to have another man around your kids for a year. Or some other thing to protect your kids from the situation that you find unsavory. I didn't want my H to end up with his AP, but if he did, there wasn't much that I was going to be able to do about it. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Have you considered family counselling to help your kids get through this tough time? I did not go into detail about my own situation so as not to distract from Nightmare's concerns but if you are referring to me you should know that my husband's ex had a 20+ year affair that lasted throughout their marriage. H met me in year 19 of her affair and our affair started in year 20 of her affair. We voluntarily revealed our affair 2 days after it happened and H immediately began the long process of separation and divorce. As such, I would not describe it as me upending her life. My husband and I have contempt for his ex for many many reasons including having to take out restraining orders against her. So yeah, I don't give a **** who thinks I should have compassion. My compassion flew out the window the first time she hauled off and slugged her own kid in the face for talking to me on the phone. She is still acting like a nutcase all these years later. She needs to get over herself and allow her kids to have a normal life. By the way, I agree you can try to put a morality clause into the separation agreement but she might refuse to sign it if she is serious about this guy.
girlwithglasses Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I agree, I know there is nothing I can do about it. It is still early in the game and things for my wife and the AP have progressed rather fast, I dont know if thats good or bad. Its been less than a month from when she was begging me to take her back to now almost living with this guy. My whole thing is not that I want her back, but to end with this man. You see much like Girlwithglasses stated as far as school functions, I dont want to be in those situations. I can tell you now I will not handle it well and I dont think I ever will. I can tell you also that the OM's wife pretty much feels the same. However he has cheated on his wife previously,so she has been through this before. I feel like eventually they will get tired of dealing with the situation the way it is and end this nonsense. Its like theyre in a fog and want to take on the world. I can feel your pain in your words but please you have to allow yourself time to hurt and then compartmentalize your pain when it comes to your children. You be the hero. Even if your wife is putting herself first, you be the hero for your kids.
Owl Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Nightmare, the only thing I could suggest to you would be individual counseling to help you "deal" with the pain and trauma caused by your wife's affair. Add in there the recommendation that you seek sole custody given what you've mentioned about her not being a decent mother and neglecting her children since the affair started, and you'd about sum up the best I think you could do. Cut her out of your life, minimize the damage she can do to your children, and then don't worry about whether or not she pursues a relationship with her OM. If she's as bad as it sounds, consider insisting to the court that her visits with the children be supervised (at least initially) to protect your kids when she does spend time with her. Since you're divorcing this seems like the best you could do for everyone involved. Her choice to be with OM or not shouldn't matter to you as long as you take the appropriate measures to protect your kids.
NoIDidn't Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I did not go into detail about my own situation so as not to distract from Nightmare's concerns but if you are referring to me you should know that my husband's ex had a 20+ year affair that lasted throughout their marriage. H met me in year 19 of her affair and our affair started in year 20 of her affair. We voluntarily revealed our affair 2 days after it happened and H immediately began the long process of separation and divorce. As such, I would not describe it as me upending her life. My husband and I have contempt for his ex for many many reasons including having to take out restraining orders against her. So yeah, I don't give a **** who thinks I should have compassion. My compassion flew out the window the first time she hauled off and slugged her own kid in the face for talking to me on the phone. She is still acting like a nutcase all these years later. She needs to get over herself and allow her kids to have a normal life. By the way, I agree you can try to put a morality clause into the separation agreement but she might refuse to sign it if she is serious about this guy. Can I just say....wow?! I did read the contempt right from the post, but not the reason behind it. Wow. After what you have been through with her, I understand it now. I apologize for saying you lack compassion. Those poor kids. Sorry for the TJ, Nightmare.
NoIDidn't Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I agree, I know there is nothing I can do about it. It is still early in the game and things for my wife and the AP have progressed rather fast, I dont know if thats good or bad. Its been less than a month from when she was begging me to take her back to now almost living with this guy. My whole thing is not that I want her back, but to end with this man. You see much like Girlwithglasses stated as far as school functions, I dont want to be in those situations. I can tell you now I will not handle it well and I dont think I ever will. I can tell you also that the OM's wife pretty much feels the same. However he has cheated on his wife previously,so she has been through this before. I feel like eventually they will get tired of dealing with the situation the way it is and end this nonsense. Its like theyre in a fog and want to take on the world. I feel for you. It would be unfair for you to not attend things because she might be there with her "boyfriend". Family counselling might still offer some help in helping you guys come up with an agreement on what events she will attend and with whom and which ones you will attend. If all else fails, you could also have the kids tell her directly that they'd like for such and such to happen. They do get a say in whether or not a huge scene happens at one of their events. The best you can do is come up with a schedule/agreement for event attendance OR just not tell her when certain events are coming up when possible. Schools deal with things like this alot, sadly. Definitely talk to a lawyer about this. Even if she refuses to sign it, a judge might order it anyway.
subdued Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 We dont want our cheating spouses back but we dont want them to be together because of the damage done to our children and us. Revenge is ugly. It hurts everyone, including the children. Your wife should have waited until everyone was divorced before going out with this guy. However, she didn't. What's done is done. You should see a therapist to get over your hatred.
Angel1111 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 It's only natural that you want to watch them crash and burn but, ultimately, it really doesn't matter. The reason they now think their relationship is ok is because they're both about to be single. If you're not living with your spouse and the papers have been filed, the rest is just semantics. You're basically divorced. But to get involved with someone else right after a long-term relationship is almost always a disaster. That's why people should take things slowly - but most don't. It's very probable that things won't work out between them. The bottom line is that you'll never trust her again and you should probably work on not caring about what she does. It's a good place to be.
MistyK Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 It's only natural that you want to watch them crash and burn but, ultimately, it really doesn't matter. The reason they now think their relationship is ok is because they're both about to be single. If you're not living with your spouse and the papers have been filed, the rest is just semantics. You're basically divorced. But to get involved with someone else right after a long-term relationship is almost always a disaster. That's why people should take things slowly - but most don't. It's very probable that things won't work out between them. The bottom line is that you'll never trust her again and you should probably work on not caring about what she does. It's a good place to be. I agree with Angel on that. Over time, you'll care less about what she does or with who. You filed for divorce because you didn't want her to be a part of your life like that, so in that you give up the right to have a say over her romantic life. All you can do is do your best to protect the children and try to hide your animosity from them. In the end the kids get hurt the worst of all. Out of curiousity, how close are you and the other BS? It sounds like you are in frequent contact. I've seen other familes in this scenario essentially end up with a partner swap (one BS informs the other BS of the A and then the BS's end up together as well). That is a real nightmare for the kids, be careful.
fooled once Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Nightmare, It is natural for you to have the feelings you currently have. In time, they will lessen but don't think it is 'wrong' or 'abnormal' for you to feel this way. It is kinda like a grieving process. You are in the anger stage. You WILL work through it in time. May take a few weeks, a few months, a year; but as long as you don't ACT on it (and I am not saying you will), just let the emotions come and learn how to adapt to them. Most importantly, be there for your kids (and I know you will). As we all know, they are the innocent victims in affairs. Their words get turned upside down and the cheating spouse loves to shove their new partner in the kids faces and just expect the kids to accept them. Kids don't have to accept them. I wish you nothing but luck and good riddance to trash!
Author Nightmare Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 I agree with Angel on that. Over time, you'll care less about what she does or with who. You filed for divorce because you didn't want her to be a part of your life like that, so in that you give up the right to have a say over her romantic life. All you can do is do your best to protect the children and try to hide your animosity from them. In the end the kids get hurt the worst of all. Out of curiousity, how close are you and the other BS? It sounds like you are in frequent contact. I've seen other familes in this scenario essentially end up with a partner swap (one BS informs the other BS of the A and then the BS's end up together as well). That is a real nightmare for the kids, be careful. We do talk about once a week. Its not like that at all I can assure you. She is actually now starting to see someone else. I know what your talking about but this is purely reguarding situations where our ex's our asking us to keep the kids or not on certain days and we compare days to see if it is so they can be together. Its sad how they are both willing to pass on seeing their kids to be with each other. They work together for gods sake.
Author Nightmare Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Nightmare, It is natural for you to have the feelings you currently have. In time, they will lessen but don't think it is 'wrong' or 'abnormal' for you to feel this way. It is kinda like a grieving process. You are in the anger stage. You WILL work through it in time. May take a few weeks, a few months, a year; but as long as you don't ACT on it (and I am not saying you will), just let the emotions come and learn how to adapt to them. Most importantly, be there for your kids (and I know you will). As we all know, they are the innocent victims in affairs. Their words get turned upside down and the cheating spouse loves to shove their new partner in the kids faces and just expect the kids to accept them. Kids don't have to accept them. I wish you nothing but luck and good riddance to trash! Thank you. Kids dont accept it at this point. My son has known what she has done and has some resentment towards her for it. She blames me for the kids and their feelings. Her reasoning is that the kids know Im upset about it so they are too. I guess it cant be the fact that she turned their lives upside down. She will not take any responsibilty for this. Now its how she never loved me, wanted to wait till the kids were 18 to divorce me, didnt enjoy sex with me, ect. All this is coming out now when Ive never seen any signs before, I felt we had a good marriage. I know its probably just her trying to shift blame, but it hurts still.
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