Any cases were busted affairs blossomed into Marriage?

[Nightmare]

My situation is my wife had an affair with married man. Long story short, the OM's wife and I are divorcing our cheating spouses. At this point my wife and him are now trying to make there relationship grow.They are renting apartments next to each other and moving forwarded at very fast pace. Divorce is not final for either of us. Its been about 6 months since the affair started, but the last month things between them have advanced, they seem to now think its OK. Its causing serious issues with all children involved and the hurt it causes me and the other BS. We find it impossible to be civil with our WS due to the fact this continues after it destroyed our families. Also both WS's have treated the children like pets by continuously trying to cancel or change their visitation times to be with each other. They are in a FOG. Question is: Does this sound like something that will last? Anyone been through something similiar where it did or didnt work out? Any ideas or comments on a possible time fram for these things "statistically"?

 

Note: The divorce was filed by me and OM's wife. We dont want our cheating spouses back but we dont want them to be together because of the damage done to our children and us. Also he has cheated on her before, I dont believe my wife had ever cheated prior. Comments appreciated, I know anything can happen, just want to see if there is a pattern. Thanks

[Athena]

Do all her family members and friends know about the affair? And OM's family and friends?

 

I don't see how they will make a solid future for themselves with ex-spouses, kids, and possibly everyone they know, be against them.... it'll take a lot to beat those odds.

[Nightmare]

everyone knows. Both of them have pretty screwed up familys on there sides. My wife hasnt talked to her parents in years. It seem like the few mutual friends we shared dont seem to have a big problem with it, or maybe they do and they are just being nice to her face. She doesnt have alot of friends as it is, she has control issues and has been considered a b*tch by alot of people prior to affair. The lies from her still continue daily however.

[sadintexas]

You're probably not going to like my answer, but I think it doesn't really matter right now if their relationship is going to last or not. You can't control it. You can put the focus and effort on getting through this divorce and helping your children as much as possible. Only time will tell if they self destruct or not.

 

According to what I've heard on statistics, the odds are stacked against them. I'm not much into statistics though because I'm not sure accurate measures can be taken when you're dealing with human emotions.

[wildsoul]

Oh! I was expecting this to be a post from an OM, not a BS! Why are you asking it here, instead of the infidelity forum?

[Nightmare]

Why would it matter? An opinion is an opinion from either side. Had I been the OM instead of the BS, You would have answered, but because Im not you didnt? If I asked it here or there, I think it completely applies to both.

[wildsoul]

Why would it matter? An opinion is an opinion from either side. Had I been the OM instead of the BS, You would have answered, but because Im not you didnt? If I asked it here or there, I think it completely applies to both.

Actually, Nightmare, I DID respond to you.

 

I just wanted to understand your reasons for posting here first. We sometimes get "lost" BS posters who mean to be in the infidelity forum, and we also get BS posters who post innocent questions as a ruse to get a debate storming. I'm not acusing you, but was just asking first, so as to assertain where you are coming from.

 

And on your premise that an opinion is valid from either side, I agree! Especially so as many people have been on BOTH sides of affairs at one time or another.

 

As far as "statistics" go, I've got none for you. My anecdotal evidence from the small pool of people I know says this: Many work out for awhile, but not a lifetime. But I don't know if that's about affairs in particular, or for 2nd marriages in general though. And how long does a couple have to be together for it to be consider a relationship that "worked out"? It's all so subjective.

 

I will say this, and it comes solely from my experience as a woman. Once the relationship is "over," and you've fallen out of love with your partner, it doesn't usually come "back." If that is true for your ex, then while she might come crying to you after a break up with OM, she won't really be "in love" with you. And if it's true for you, then you'll never feel the same way about her again. You'll have to accept that it's over and move on.

 

If by chance your questions ARE about reuniting with her, then you'll probably get better advice from BS's in the infidelity forurm. I'm just trying to be helpful, not run you off.

[Nightmare]

No desire to ever reconcile with her. I think its safe to say she never truly loved me just by cheating in the first place. Biggest thing at this point is just the effect of her continued relationship with the OM and what its having on me and my children to this day. She is truly in a fog. I want them over for our relationship as parents to our children, and yes I do not want to see her with the man she ended our marriage for, call it selfish, but I will never accept it. I would never accept seeing him. I know thats how OM wife feels as well. Obviously theres more to story. I was just trying to get an idea of any success stories or failures, that was it. So far it seems most are in agreement it probably wont last, but I understand anything can happen.

[Adunaphel]

The only cases I know about of couples that started the relationship as an affair, continued the relationship after the affair was busted and eventually got married, are situations where the WS would have left his/her marriage anyway, or where there already were huge marriage problems.

 

If the WS is choosing beetwen his/her spouse and the AP, or perhaps I should say NOT choosing, I think it is a no win situation. How could you live happily ever after with someone who would still be a cake eater had he/she not been busted?

 

Said that, there is something I do not get (I am not being critical, just curious). Why you do not want them to be together?

I have been an OW, but I have never been married, so I guess I just can't understand, but... wouldn't it be worse to "damage two families" over...well, a fling that does not even last?

I think that if they actually get married at least your children will see that their parents did not just throw away a marriage over nothing.

But then, again, what children see depends on the attitude of all parents included.

Treating them like pets, as you said, in really bad (I hope the APs will come to their senses soon about it), but wishing ill to the partners who left is not good for the children either, IMO.

 

Perhaps it would be worth it to think of all the reasons why you do not want to see them together (which is very, very understandable - nobody would like to see a cheating partner happy, or happier, with the person they left for) and sort out the "healthy" ones from the "not healthy" ones.

 

Since neither BS want their H/W back, it becomes vaguely similar to a "you took it from me, now I no longer want it but I'd hate to see you use it" thing.

Which takes away positive feelings from you, and channels your energies into unhealthy routes.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Whether or not it works depends on how well they handle reality when it hits. The affair is the high. The relationship afterward is the coming down point as it settles into something more legit. If one or both misses that 'high' and can't handle the 'coming down' or if one or both realizes after the fact that they miss their family, then its game over. One or both will either bounce out of there or will turn around and have another affair to recapture that 'high'.

 

Sometimes, and it is rare - when reality hits, they can settle into something more legit and start a new life pretty seamlessly. It doesn't happen that often though. Usually the relationship crashes and burns after a couple of years or so.

[Nightmare]

The only cases I know about of couples that started the relationship as an affair, continued the relationship after the affair was busted and eventually got married, are situations where the WS would have left his/her marriage anyway, or where there already were huge marriage problems.

 

If the WS is choosing beetwen his/her spouse and the AP, or perhaps I should say NOT choosing, I think it is a no win situation. How could you live happily ever after with someone who would still be a cake eater had he/she not been busted?

 

Said that, there is something I do not get (I am not being critical, just curious). Why you do not want them to be together?

I have been an OW, but I have never been married, so I guess I just can't understand, but... wouldn't it be worse to "damage two families" over...well, a fling that does not even last?

I think that if they actually get married at least your children will see that their parents did not just throw away a marriage over nothing.

But then, again, what children see depends on the attitude of all parents included.

Treating them like pets, as you said, in really bad (I hope the APs will come to their senses soon about it), but wishing ill to the partners who left is not good for the children either, IMO.

 

Perhaps it would be worth it to think of all the reasons why you do not want to see them together (which is very, very understandable - nobody would like to see a cheating partner happy, or happier, with the person they left for) and sort out the "healthy" ones from the "not healthy" ones.

 

Since neither BS want their H/W back, it becomes vaguely similar to a "you took it from me, now I no longer want it but I'd hate to see you use it" thing.

Which takes away positive feelings from you, and channels your energies into unhealthy routes.

This was not a situation where we had issues in our marriage prior to the affair, if anything it was the monotany of day to day life with children. She was most def a cake eater, she has said she never wanted a divorce. The Om's wife and I both tried to savce our marriage however the lies continued as the two cheaters tried to continue. Being coworkers the contact was there and still is, and neither of them was willing to leave their job. I disagree with you in what your saying as far as it being better if they were to make it. Thats seems like an excuse to try to justify the cheating.

[Darth Vader]

This was not a situation where we had issues in our marriage prior to the affair, if anything it was the monotany of day to day life with children. She was most def a cake eater, she has said she never wanted a divorce. The Om's wife and I both tried to savce our marriage however the lies continued as the two cheaters tried to continue. Being coworkers the contact was there and still is, and neither of them was willing to leave their job. I disagree with you in what your saying as far as it being better if they were to make it. Thats seems like an excuse to try to justify the cheating.

 

 

Have you exposed it to their Boss? Are you going sole custody for the children? How old are they, approx. If the children are aware of the affair, they may not want to be around either parent. Have you dicussed the children's feelings and damage done as the result of the affair with a Lawyer. Perhaps there's something on the books against actions of this type being done towards children, I mean, in it's own way it may be classified as abuse. Too much exposure for them to handle, IMO.

[Lizzie60]

We dont want our cheating spouses back but we dont want them to be together because of the damage done to our children and us.

 

Humm.. I'm afraid there is not much you can do about that..

 

It is sad for the kids.. methink the AP are quite young and selfish.

 

Anyway... yes I'm one of those OW who had an affair for 11 years before we moved in together.. I was single.. he was married.. we then lived together for 18 years.. we had a son. I finally left him after all those years.

 

It's impossible to say how much time they will be together..

 

Your guess is just as good as anyone else.. there is no 'true' (realistic) stats on this.

[whichwayisup]

Two words, family counselling!

 

ALL of you have to pull together for the sake of those poor kids. Their lives have been torn apart, turned upside and now they're forced to accept a "new" step mom/step dad.

 

You and the OM's wife should seek counselling, get the ball started and keep talking to your kids..Let them know you love them (and she can do the same with her kids) and are there for them no matter what.

 

Neither you or the OM's wife have any control over what happens between the other two, so don't get involved and don't try to pin the kids against them. Those kids won't accept this situation until THEY are ready to, that is, if ever.

[Nightmare]

Have you exposed it to their Boss? Are you going sole custody for the children? How old are they, approx. If the children are aware of the affair, they may not want to be around either parent. Have you dicussed the children's feelings and damage done as the result of the affair with a Lawyer. Perhaps there's something on the books against actions of this type being done towards children, I mean, in it's own way it may be classified as abuse. Too much exposure for them to handle, IMO.

Yes the boss knows, he is the owner of a small company. He is not supportive to them however he is not going to fire either of them for it. There are 7 children in total involed, both sides. Ages range from 7 to 12. As far as full custody, no but I will have primary custody. Its just a bad situation all around. The cheaters have known each other for a few years at work however this affair started about 7 months ago. My wife is not herself, she does not act herself nor does she act like a mother should when she has our kids. I know I cant control the two of them but it is making life harder for me and the other BS with the kids. Just trying to see if these relationships typically last given the circumstances and kids involved. Im not naive enough to think that anything cant happen, but a general idea of opinions on those who have had similiar situations would be nice. And yes, many of the children are in conseling, mostly the older ones. My son is very upset with the situation, hes 12. He has told my wife how he feels but she doesnt seem to care. Her thought is, he will have to get over it and learn to accept it. The counselor has told me that there is only some much he can do, being that she is continuing this behavior. So counseling is like 2 steps forward and then the next day 3 steps back. So im not sure its helping much. She has turned a blind eye to any negative issues stemming from her affair, she simply says its all my fault.

[Nightmare]

:confused::confused:

Since neither BS want their H/W back, it becomes vaguely similar to a "you took it from me, now I no longer want it but I'd hate to see you use it" thing.

Which takes away positive feelings from you, and channels your energies into unhealthy routes.:confused::confused:

I would say your right about that had this been a situation without children involved. Then I could agree. But with children involved its completely different. There would be issues relating to the kids where I or the other BS would be put in situations where we would have to be around the AP at somepoint down the road if this new relationship lasts, ie: b-day parties, graduations, ect). Im sure many of you will tell me I will get past it one day or learn to forgive them or accept it. But I assure you I never will, I cannot forgive whats been done to me. Keep in mind I felt I was in a great marriage until this started. This was not a bad marriage that led to an affair. This is a women (my wife) who has issues from her childhood and is having what some are calling a mid life type crisis, the AP (the man) is someone who has cheated on his wife before ( possibly more, but one confirmed by his wife). So I believe it was a mix of a lot of different things that all played into this affair, and there is more that I didnt post here.

[Darth Vader]

Yes the boss knows, he is the owner of a small company. He is not supportive to them however he is not going to fire either of them for it. There are 7 children in total involed, both sides. Ages range from 7 to 12. As far as full custody, no but I will have primary custody. Its just a bad situation all around. The cheaters have known each other for a few years at work however this affair started about 7 months ago. My wife is not herself, she does not act herself nor does she act like a mother should when she has our kids. I know I cant control the two of them but it is making life harder for me and the other BS with the kids. Just trying to see if these relationships typically last given the circumstances and kids involved. Im not naive enough to think that anything cant happen, but a general idea of opinions on those who have had similiar situations would be nice. And yes, many of the children are in conseling, mostly the older ones. My son is very upset with the situation, hes 12. He has told my wife how he feels but she doesnt seem to care. Her thought is, he will have to get over it and learn to accept it. The counselor has told me that there is only some much he can do, being that she is continuing this behavior. So counseling is like 2 steps forward and then the next day 3 steps back. So im not sure its helping much. She has turned a blind eye to any negative issues stemming from her affair, she simply says its all my fault.

 

 

I hope you have set her straight in telling her, "no, it's not my fault that you're screwing around on me and destroying your family"! Like it would help.

 

Your children are going to remember this for the rest of their lives, and resent her (if not hate) for doing what she's been doing to you and them.

 

You watch, when/if she comes out of this affair fog, she's gonna be all sooooo sorry:rolleyes:, YEAH! RIIGHT!!!!!

 

Problem is, she's going to regret it someday (maybe not), but, she won't be able to take anything back! That's when you need to tell her, that you told her so, but, she didn't want to listen! You tell her, you did the damage, now you lie in it, you have to live with yourself!

 

Are you able to speed up this Divorce thingy at all? You want to get away from that woman as fast as possible! What's the hold up, if their is any?

 

Another thing, you want to get as much as you can out of the situation in your favor, because when she comes off of cloud 9, affair fog, coming back to reality, wakes up, whatever you wanna call it, she's gonna fight you hard, she still won't care about you or what she's done, it'll still be all about her!

[Darth Vader]

:confused::confused:

Since neither BS want their H/W back, it becomes vaguely similar to a "you took it from me, now I no longer want it but I'd hate to see you use it" thing.

Which takes away positive feelings from you, and channels your energies into unhealthy routes.

:confused::confused:

 

 

So, you're saying that she has the mentality that she doesn't want you, but, she doesn't want you to screw anyone else while she's out riding her OM? What hypocrisy!

[fooled once]

nightmare -- I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

This affair started only 7 months ago and they are both throwing their marriages away and now moving towards living together?

 

LOL -- good luck with that for them.

 

They are living in the "HIGH" of the affair.

 

They truly don't know each other.

 

The entire foundation of their affair/relationship is built on lies. NO relationship will last with that kind of foundation.

 

It will come crashing down on them. Mark my words.

 

They won't be able to handle the "boringness" of every day life They are use to sneaking around, stealing moments, enjoying that thrill of it all.

 

And the children

 

My heart breaks for them. And how as parents these two selfish a**'s can't see or seem to care about the harm they are causing them.

 

I am glad she did this Affair because it gave you REASON to get rid of her. She is obviously NOT someone who cares about others or how her actions affect others. She sounds very self absorbed, very immature and very selfish.

 

I wish you the best of luck in the months ahead. I hope you can heal and I hope your children can. I am glad the kids have YOU - a stable, loving, devoted parent to count on.

[Nightmare]

nightmare -- I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

This affair started only 7 months ago and they are both throwing their marriages away and now moving towards living together?

 

LOL -- good luck with that for them.

 

They are living in the "HIGH" of the affair.

 

They truly don't know each other.

 

The entire foundation of their affair/relationship is built on lies. NO relationship will last with that kind of foundation.

 

It will come crashing down on them. Mark my words.

 

They won't be able to handle the "boringness" of every day life They are use to sneaking around, stealing moments, enjoying that thrill of it all.

 

And the children

 

My heart breaks for them. And how as parents these two selfish a**'s can't see or seem to care about the harm they are causing them.

 

I am glad she did this Affair because it gave you REASON to get rid of her. She is obviously NOT someone who cares about others or how her actions affect others. She sounds very self absorbed, very immature and very selfish.

 

I wish you the best of luck in the months ahead. I hope you can heal and I hope your children can. I am glad the kids have YOU - a stable, loving, devoted parent to count on.

Thank You, Ive definetely been in a nightmare. My thoughts are in line with yours as far as how they will be now that its in the open and the excitement of sneaking around is over. She is as you described and from what I know about him, he will be cheating on her soon enough. Its sad for the children involved, they dont deserve this.

[Chrome Barracuda]

NM listen when he does cheat on your wife and drops her. What do you plan to do? I mean you think she wont make inroads to get back in your good graces? Keep your shields up when dealing with her.

 

Let her enjoy her fantasy for now. it wont last. lol.

 

Also I am like you in many ways very prideful, but there comes a point where you gotta stop hating when you are truly past it, and you can let things go and be indifferent to it all.

 

Be there for your kids, focus on them and only on them. Get your life in order and make yourself a better man. Regardless of what happens to her in the possible future.

 

Things gonna be aight.

[D-Lish]

My ex husband betrayed me by getting a waitress pregnant on a business trip. I found out 6 months into her pregnancy because she went through his phone and called me to tell me.

 

They are now married with 2 more children.

 

He did every thing he could to try and work things out with me after I found out- he didn't want our marriage to end. I was the one that ended our marriage and left him as soon as I found out.

 

If she hadn't have contacted me to alert me- I would probably still be with him- oblivious. He would have supported her and his child and kept it on the down low.

 

They have a life now and I'll never be the same because of what happened.

 

You know, it sucks to have to come to terms with a situation like that, but you have to move on regardless. Just look out for your kids as best as you can.

[Nightmare]

NM listen when he does cheat on your wife and drops her. What do you plan to do? I mean you think she wont make inroads to get back in your good graces? Keep your shields up when dealing with her.

 

Let her enjoy her fantasy for now. it wont last. lol.

 

Also I am like you in many ways very prideful, but there comes a point where you gotta stop hating when you are truly past it, and you can let things go and be indifferent to it all.

 

Be there for your kids, focus on them and only on them. Get your life in order and make yourself a better man. Regardless of what happens to her in the possible future.

 

Things gonna be aight.

I dont think Ill ever stop hating her for this. I know what your saying as far as that goes, but right now I dont see it happening. My kids are the reason I havent done anything stupid. Maybe when I find someone else, things will change for me. As far as if it does end with her and him and her trying to get back in my graces, if that ever happens, I assure you I wont be taking her back. Too much damagr has been done. But if they were to end this, I can tell you it would be alot easier for me to deal with her as far as with the children. As far as right now is concerned, I feel if she is with this guy I cannot get along with her. He cannot be involved with her for me to get along with her, even for the kids. I know I should take the high road, turn the other cheek, but thats not how I operate.

[Nightmare]

My ex husband betrayed me by getting a waitress pregnant on a business trip. I found out 6 months into her pregnancy because she went through his phone and called me to tell me.

 

They are now married with 2 more children.

 

He did every thing he could to try and work things out with me after I found out- he didn't want our marriage to end. I was the one that ended our marriage and left him as soon as I found out.

 

If she hadn't have contacted me to alert me- I would probably still be with him- oblivious. He would have supported her and his child and kept it on the down low.

 

They have a life now and I'll never be the same because of what happened.

 

You know, it sucks to have to come to terms with a situation like that, but you have to move on regardless. Just look out for your kids as best as you can.

Im sorry for what you had to go through. Fortunately I dont belive these two will ever be having children between them, medical reasons, but it is possible with surgery. However with the amount of children he has, I dont see him wanting more. She told me numerous times she didnt ever want a divorce, so I guess she just wanted to keep this going behind my back. We both went back and forth trying to save the marriage, but fact is she never really ended it with this guy. So here I am now. It sucks. Although deep down inside I knew it would never be the same and in reality never last.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your gonna stop hating her. lol.

 

Dude I've been there done that. The pain is still fresh in your head and your brains are scrambled. I get that, you want to see her suffer for betraying you. I totally get that.

 

But a year from now, indifferent you shall be. Watch. As long as your a good father and she doesnt interfere with time when the kids are with you, your gonna say good riddance.

 

Trust me mayn it's hard now but in time you'll get through all the little emotions swirling in your head now. I mean you should be laughing after the anger subsides, she traded down.

 

And she's gonna reap what she sows.

 

How poetic.