My boyfriend is troubled with my past.

[inthefields]

Before I start, please read the entire post before answering. Thanks.

Some information is that:

-We met online and was planning to meet this summer (we both have college).

-We are in a long distance relationship

-It has been almost a year

-My past did not involve sex but did involve one guy.

 

He is bothered by my past because he saved himself specifically for me. He had no prior girlfriends and did not go on any dates with anyone. Now, I have read some past posts on the thread regarding this topic and, how can I help him get over it?

 

Simply put, he has two choices:

1) Get over me

2) Get over my past

 

I would choose the latter, he wants to as well. He doesn't know how he can bring himself over it - it's his personality and his own expectations/standards. He loves me truly, and cares about me so much that even the thought of sharing my first kiss with someone else makes him emotional. He says he's close to leaving because he doesn't know how he can get over it. How can he get over my past? How can I help him get over my past?

 

Please don't post if:

*If you would choose the former (Get over me).

*If you would tell him to forget about it

*If you're going to say "If he REALLY loved me, he wouldn't be bothered by my past" - he does really love me, that's why he's trying so hard.

 

Thanks.

[lora22]

Sorry, but I don't think there's anything you can do, beyond the fact that you didn't lie to him about it (I presume), so he should trust you, and that you are open with him about how you feel about him.

 

But seriously, it's his problem/issue, not yours, (you didn't do anything wrong) so he's the one that needs to figure out if and how he can get over it, and there's not much you can do about it.

[Island Girl]

He should get into the real world.

 

He will be hard pressed to find a girl who hasn't already had a first kiss by college.

 

And the longer he takes to look - the more elusive that will become (and not only a first kiss but a hell of a lot more).

 

You are making a BIG mistake by even entertaining talking about this and indulging this irrational "standard" he has.

It is ridiculous and it needs to sit with him where it belongs.

 

You are the one not drawing the line in the sand. What you should be saying is, "EVERYTHING that happened in my life up to now has made me who I am now. You profess to love who I am - therefore need to accept that I had a life before I even knew you existed. I refuse to apologize for living my life. If you can't get over it then I will be sad but I refuse to indulge the conversation when there is nothing -- NOTHING -- I can do about it."

 

And you should be prepared to walk away.

 

I have no doubt that being without you completely will snap him out of this insanity IF it even gets that far.

 

If he can't get over it after you tell him no more discussion, and then you walk, and he STILL doesn't get over it --- then he doesn't love you as you think he does and that is better to know now.

[inthefields]

However, I'm the problem.

[lora22]

Your bf is the problem, not you.

[Island Girl]

However, I'm the problem.

 

This just shows how you are taking on guilt and blame for a problem that is HIS problem. This is HIS issue.

 

And it is stupid. Ridiculous.

 

You are INDULGING him and acknowledging this as something you created -- a problem you brought to the relationship -- and that is simply NOT TRUE.

 

By dealing with this the way you have been and apologizing for it or being sorry about it you are letting him know his thoughts and feeling are valid when they are so off base it isn't funny.

 

The more you listen to this drivel the more you are allowing a non-issue to become a huge issue.

 

You haven't even met this guy in person yet -- and I know -- I KNOW -- how LDRs are. I know there are real feelings involved etc.

And there are plenty here who met online and it has worked out for them.

But until you meet in person there is the question of chemistry. Please keep that in mind.

 

His thoughts about this are irrational.

 

If it were me, his reaction to this would cause me to be concerned about how he perceives others and life in general. It is really bizarre.

[Jersey Shortie]

I am confused.

 

Have you two even met in person yet?

 

Did you do something with another guy while you were talking to your current guy?

 

Because I can't understand him being upset about things that happened prior to him. And frankly, he sounds immature and manipulative.

 

You aren't the problem.

[inthefields]

Island Girl,

He has high expectations, he never did anything with anyone. He saved it for me.

 

Jersey,

No, we haven't. I live in New Jersey, and he lives around 900 miles away. No, I didn't do something with another guy. He's troubled by my past.

[Island Girl]

Island Girl,

He has high expectations, he never did anything with anyone. He saved it for me.

 

He hold himself to his own standard -- fine.

To hold someone else accountable to his own standard is (again) ridiculous and unreasonable.

 

Your thread title states he is troubled with your past -- but having a boyfriend (ONE) before college is not much of a past compared to most everyone.

 

So he hasn't had a girlfriend until you. Give him a brownie. Or a gold star.

It means nothing.

 

In fact I would view it as reason to be alarmed (you clearly don't and I don't know why) that he has not experienced normal teenage flirting and those juvenile relationships.

One learns a lot during that period in life, not only about dealing with others but oneself. He hasn't learned any of this.

 

It is telling in his approach to your past. HE is juvenile in his assessment and reaction. He is immature in his inability to separate it and get over it.

 

I'll say it again -- his process surrounding this and his reactions to it would be cause for alarm if it were me.

They should be to you -- but I know you are too far gone to see it.

 

Just draw the line as I said and don't entertain this topic anymore. He deals with it and gets over it or he sits and frets with it all by himself. Don't even listen to him talk about it.

It should not be up for discussion. PERIOD.

 

Like I said, he would be hard pressed to find ANYONE who hasn't had a previous relationship.

 

If you guys break up -- he won't be able to say he hasn't either. And then he'll find it even more difficult - and it will grow increasingly so.

 

He just better get over it and himself - NOW.

 

And it really isn't some great accomplishment that he has "saved himself". It just means that in a lot of ways he more than likely is socially retarded.

Just wait until you are around him in person to assess that.

[hoping2heal]

This is like saying..WHAT? You had pizza?! But I wanted us to share out first pizza together!!

 

You've been out to a movie?!! I've never gone to a movie! I was saving myself for you, and here you are going to movies!

 

I agree this is ridiculous on his behalf. And I'm sorry to hear you're actually internalizing it yourself, but if you're going to help him you've got to stop. Stand up to him, because he's not right. I agree that if he loves you; then that means your past also. As IslandGirl said, it's what made you, you!

[Jilly Bean]

So, he lives 900 miles away, you've never met, and this is all an issue, why?

[Kamille]

Wish I could help but all I can think is... That boy is drama! How self-involved could he be that he cannot get over the fact you had one boyfriend? Did you two somehow meet in high school and made an agreement you would save yourselves for each other? Does he really believe you did something wrong here?

 

How could he get over it? By not expecting the world to center around him.

 

But you know what, I'm guessing there are deeper issues here. Is he insecure? So insecure that he feels he cannot measure up to any man in your past?

[inthefields]

So, he lives 900 miles away, you've never met, and this is all an issue, why?

 

I won't answer that, please don't waste my time.

[sb129]

How could he have saved himself for you if you have never met?

 

Sounds to me like he uses this as his trump card to make you feel like you are "worse" than him because you "have a past". Which is manipulative to say the least- as its working, you now feel guilty about something you can't change, and shouldn't feel guilty about.

 

Sweetie- your past is peanuts compared to what many other peoples pasts are.

And your past makes you who you are as Island Girl said.

 

I had a R with a man who had MAJOR issues with my "past". (And compared to you, I am a right down and dirty hoe-bag). I couldn't change the past. i couldn't change the way HE saw things- only HE could do that.

 

And he couldn't. He simply couldn't accept it, and that combined with his jealousy tainted every aspect of our R until it was so poisonous I had to get out. My self esteem was at rock bottom towards the end because he used my past as a way of belittling me and making me feel guilty and bad.

 

My husband and I decided that the first day of our new R was all that mattered. (we met online). Anything that had happened up to that point was irrelevant, and we have stuck to that rule. Occasionally things come up that we discuss, but we have for the most part agreed to leave the past where it belongs.

 

I am not telling you to ditch this guy (although some would, and you can't stop them from posting on here, its a public forum).

 

Please examine whether its worth taking it to the next level if he finds this so hard to deal with- its not your problem, its his.

He is making it yours and that will eventually erode your self esteem, and I can assure you that is not a fun place to be.

[inthefields]

Thanks, IslandGirl. He knows he's different, and he took a chance with me. If this doesn't work out, he's just not going to try anymore because he doesn't think it's fair to love twice or share his heart, and his feelings, and the words that he says with anyone else. I just want this to work, I don't want to give him an ultimatum or leave. He thought I was different from everyone else but, I let him down, too. That's why he was hurt over it.

[sb129]

I won't answer that, please don't waste my time.

 

Hey- come on newbie. Have some respect please. People are taking the time to read and post answers to your thread.

 

You can't control everything they write, and sometimes some very good advice is given even if its not 100% not what you want to hear.

 

Background information is important to help people get a sense of the situation- the more info people have the less likely they are to jump to conclusions- which can also offend the OP.

[sb129]

Thanks, IslandGirl. He knows he's different, and he took a chance with me. If this doesn't work out, he's just not going to try anymore because he doesn't think it's fair to love twice or share his heart, and his feelings, and the words that he says with anyone else. I just want this to work, I don't want to give him an ultimatum or leave. He thought I was different from everyone else but, I let him down, too. That's why he was hurt over it.

 

 

Well if thats the case I think this guy is slightly deluded.

 

While only loving one person once is a lovely romantic notion, most of us who end up in successful, happy relationships and marriages these days have learned to love WELL, because we have done it more than once. Learning from previous experiences and mistakes and all that.

 

I wouldn't be with the wonderful man who is my H if I hadn't had my heart broken several times in the past.

 

And the bolded part is just..... scary. Reminds me waaaaay too much of my ex.

[Kamille]

I've been in love twice, and I can tell you, every love is unique. Apples and oranges. I understand his romanticism but I think it's an unromantic view of what love is.

 

Do you think what the two of you shared resembles in any way what you and your ex had?

[boogieboy]

You cant convince him because he doesnt want to be convinced. I cant figure out 1 way that you can say to defuse his immaturity. The only way is to make an empty threat to leave him, and maybe then he will realize hes being unreasonable.

 

Find a guy that is 800 miles closer, theres plenty of reasonable guys that have more reasonable hangups that you can enable.

[inthefields]

Thank you so much Sb, I'll try my best to reason with him.

[Art_Critic]

and he took a chance with me. If this doesn't work out, he's just not going to try anymore because he doesn't think it's fair to love twice or share his heart, and his feelings, and the words that he says with anyone else.

 

No offense but this guy is not telling you the truth about how he really feels.. he is filling your head with crap that he thinks you want to hear instead of telling you what he really feels...

 

The reality is that if it didn't work out with you that he would move on to someone else.. the same with you... it's called living life..

 

IMO- Honestly he sounds a bit controlling and places a bit too much guilt on you and pressure on you for the relationship's success or failure..

 

You really might want to rethink this one as you aren't too invested at this point since you have never met yet..

or at the very least meet with him and call him on his shiot.. 10-1 he has had another girlfriend before you..

 

Sorry this isn't what you wanted to hear....

[inthefields]

Hey- come on newbie. Have some respect please. People are taking the time to read and post answers to your thread.

 

You can't control everything they write, and sometimes some very good advice is given even if its not 100% not what you want to hear.

 

Background information is important to help people get a sense of the situation- the more info people have the less likely they are to jump to conclusions- which can also offend the OP.

 

I have respect for the people who do take the time to read and post answer to the thread. I have no respect whatsoever for people who feel the need to add in their comments without having read the actual first post concerning the topic.

[Island Girl]

If this doesn't work out, he's just not going to try anymore because he doesn't think it's fair to love twice or share his heart, and his feelings, and the words that he says with anyone else.

 

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

 

 

The Red Flag Bells are ringing so loud in my head right now!!!

 

Let me guess. When you heard this you thought it was so sweet and romantic...?

I am not belittling you. Please do not misunderstand my intention.

 

This is scary. This is unrealistic and unnatural. I do not know where he is patterning his relationship life -- but it is twisted.

 

It may sound sweet to someone who wants to feel close to him right now (you) but if you had relationship experience and a clear understanding of problems that can develop because of this kind of outlook I GUARANTEE you would run from him -- fast and far far away.

 

Be very careful about what you give over to this guy.

 

Another poster said "he is making it yours" and that is true but can ONLY happen if you in turn take it on.

So far you have been. Stop that.

Do not take on his issues as your own.

Even if they are issues he has within the relationship - that doesn't mean they have anything to do with you.

 

 

 

I just want this to work, I don't want to give him an ultimatum or leave. He thought I was different from everyone else but, I let him down, too. That's why he was hurt over it.

 

OMG OMG OMG

 

The glaring manipulation!! Holy COW!!

 

And you are buying in!!

 

This is sickness. Do not take it on.

 

You CAN NOT POSSIBLY have "let him down"!!! You didn't even KNOW him!!

 

And by saying that to you he is attempting to manipulate you into feeling guilty for living your life before him. And then by doing so he puts you in a position that is submissive to him and himself as superior.

That is complete crap. ANYONE will tell you that.

 

But my fear right now -- FOR YOU -- is that you are buying it.

You are feeling guilty and you are allowing yourself to be manipulated.

 

This is victim behavior and an abuser can spot that a mile away.

 

You need some personal counseling. It is fir YOU not for the relationship and really has nothing to do with him.

Please get help at your college. It is there.

Address this within yourself now so you can have healthy boundaries. A healthy you means you having a healthy relationship.

 

If what I am saying does not make sense to you then you need the help even more.

 

Your guy has major issues. But they are his issues.

 

It sounds like you also have issues and they are different issues. But combined in a relationship with HIS issues is volatile.

At least you can take some control and get yours taken care of. So please please do so.

[inthefields]

Kamille,

I feel that he was not like the first boy that I met. This is a serious relationship, and he is very idealistic at times. He even admits it, too.

[hoping2heal]

Everything IslandGirl posted seems to ring true based on what you've shared with us. If this is what he is trully saying and doing, please listen to her.