Abelard Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 So that’s it then. Message received loud and clear; you don’t want to have anything to do with me any more. I just wish I understood why. That last day we spent together in February was so good, it just felt so right, so natural being around you, just kidding around, enjoying your company. At one point in the afternoon you laughed and said “It’s like being married to you.” And I know I didn’t say anything, but inside my heart leapt and I was thinking “now that would be neat”. At the end when you had to go you leaned in to me, smiled and said “it was nice having you here today.” Oh dear God, why oh WHY didn’t I say what I really felt at that moment?! Why did I just sit there and let you walk away with all those words unspoken, all those words that now still hang so heavy inside me but that I will never be able to say to you? I thought there would be a million other days, a million tomorrows, a million other moments to tell you just how much I love you. But then, something changed, I don’t know what and I don’t know how, but I began to feel you gradually drawing away, just at the moment that things were clearer in my mind and choices about my future that had held me back were becoming easier to make. For the past 3 months no matter what I did, no matter what I said, I felt I was losing you bit by bit, moment by moment, the first chills of autumn as winter sets in. Did all those times we spent together, all those places we’ve been, all those journeys, all those conversations we’ve had - really count for nothing? Did all that really mean nothing to you? And now you say you’re so “busy”, so busy at work, so busy at home that you don’t have time for me, you never call me up anymore, never answer the phone when I call, never answer my voicemails or texts and only occasionally answer my emails with terse and superficial one-liners. Yet at the same time you said you still wanted to see me, that you really liked me, that I was an amazing person, that you were glad to have met me and to have me as a friend. Did I make everything up in a fantasy in my own mind? Did I read things into situations that actually were never there? But I just can’t forget the way you used to look at me sometimes, particularly when you thought I wasn’t looking, with that look in your eyes, the way you used to talk to me with that tone of voice, the way you used to walk so close up against me with our shoulders brushing, the way you used to touch me; the warmth of your hand on my arm, the sensation of your fingertips on the back of my hand, your hair brushing against my face and the softness of your cheek against my lips… Oh God how I miss you, I miss your presence, I miss your laugh and your pretty smiling face so very, very much. I miss you so much it sometimes it catches me off-guard and I gasp with a jolt of pain and I have to take deep breaths to regain my composure. The thought that I may never see you again, may never spend another minute in your company… If loving you is my crime, then it is also my punishment. I am 2 years into a life sentence with no hope of parole. Life has become flat, two dimensional without you. Fool that I am I dared to dream, dared to hope. Did you find the flowers I left on your doorstep? Did you just throw them away, or do you sometimes look at them and think of me? If so, what do you think? Three days later and still no sign… You did so much for me, you changed my life. You gave me the strength and inspiration to unlock the potential of who I could be that I hadn’t even realised was there, to do things I didn’t even know I was capable of doing - you believed in me. I will ever be in your debt, I will ever regret the chances that I missed, I will ever be missing you and hoping that maybe, just maybe one day I will hear from you, I will ever be wondering just what the hell it was I did to screw everything up and I will ever be hoping that fate will offer me the opportunity just once to hold you in my arms and to whisper “I love you”. She would not stay for me, and who can wonder? She would not stay for me to stand and gaze. I shook her hand and tore my heart asunder And went with half my life about my ways. Adieu my love.
White Flower Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 You really loved her. I feel your pain. How long was your R? 2 years? Have you heard from her? Has she been made aware of this poignant letter? It could make a difference. Godspeed Abelard, Godspeed.
inthefields Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 The most painful experience is unrequited love followed by betrayal.
sean22 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Oh dear God, why oh WHY didn’t I say what I really felt at that moment?! Why did I just sit there and let you walk away with all those words unspoken, all those words that now still hang so heavy inside me but that I will never be able to say to you? I thought there would be a million other days, a million tomorrows, a million other moments to tell you just how much I love you. Sigh.. i feel you there, that's exactly how i feel right now. I had all these opportunities to tell her how I feel.. but i held back, and now shes gone.
nature Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Why did you two break up? I get the sense from your letter that perhaps you took her for granted? And are only now realizing how much she meant to you? Please fill us in. Heartbreak is the worst pain in the world.
Author Abelard Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 It’s complicated (isn’t life always?) – there are children, mine older, hers younger (parenthood and the kids was one of the subjects we used to spend hours talking about), her new boss is a friend of mine who I sometimes go drinking with (but I’ve never told him how I feel about her), there’s a bullying ex in the background (father of her child), her other ex is a close friend of another woman friend of mine (she’s in love with him but can’t be with him as she’s in a loveless marriage, so she has nothing good to say about her (so therefore I know details about her past relationship with him that I probably shouldn’t) so I can’t even discuss how I feel with her - we met for lunch a few weeks back and her first words to me were “You look sad.”) And that’s just the start of the complications. She did once say in an email that she loved me, it came so out of the blue and unconnected from anything else we’d just previously been talking about that I thought it was just joking around, so I made some total numnuts reply, but Summer last year there was this one time we were talking about my situation and she asked “Does she still love you?” I paused, decided to be honest and said “Yes”. She made a strange sound (like as if in pain) with an intake of breath, turned away from me and stared silently out of the window for a minute or two. The moment passed and conversation turned to something else, I missed something there too, didn’t I? :-( What’s changed? In December I got laid off, got a new job in a different place and changed direction, ironically now I’ve got freedom I didn’t have before. I did send her a letter last Valentines day saying how I felt, she texted me when she got it saying thank you and that she’d write me on the Monday, but she never did. But then a couple of weeks later there was that day we spent together that I mentioned above, so I kind of assumed that was actions speaking louder than words. We were supposed to meet up this week, it was her suggestion and she chose the day. I was so looking forward to it and there were a few emails exchanged on where she wanted to go, but then on the day she didn’t show (hence the flowers I’d bought for her just left on her doorstep). I tried calling (voicemail as always) so I texted asking her to be honest with me and saying that I missed her. Next day I get a non-committal text saying that she hadn’t been sure that we’d actually agreed it (wtf?!) so I texted back saying ok I was confused, shall we arrange another time? Several days later and I’ve not heard anything back. I really don’t understand why (and that’s the worst bit), but it is over, isn’t it?
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