I know what it is that I want.... and don't want..

[dreamergrl]

So I've been starting to get a good handle out of what I'd want in a R and don't want. I'm figuring out more and more every day what is important to me. This sabbatical has been good.

 

I also don't want to get over excited about anything... but I found out today there is a possibility I may be able to go work in Denver for the summer. Which would be so freaking cool it's not even funny. But, I don't want to get my hopes up!

 

Wants:

• Honesty
  
• Respect
  
• Accepting me for who I am
  
• Follows through
  
• Clarity
  
• Easy to be with
  
• Able to take responsibilities for own actions
  
• Maturity in life's daily relationships and in a relationship with me
  

Don't want!

 

• Lies
  
• Flaking
  
• No goals
  
• Fear of commitment
  
• Not being up front
  
• Being judgmental
  
• DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA
  

I want someone to be able to look at me and not see my past, or be able to accept that it is my past. I realize I get drawn to a lot of guys who can relate to my past, but yet their past is still their present.

 

I don't want to have to wonder all the time. I want clarity in what is going on. Grant it, I understand that nothing is instant. But I want to feel security, and know that things are headed in the right direction. Will being with the right guy give me this? Is it his actions that will do this? Or do I need to just learn to be secure in my own self.

 

I know I'm a good person. I'm beautiful. I am loyal. I am kind. I give things my all. I don't feel like a judgmental person. I try to look at everyone for who they are. I deserve so much better then what I've let myself have.

 

Hopefully when my sabbatical is over, I'll be secure in myself enough to trust my instincts. Hopefully I'll find what it is I'm looking for.

 

I don't need a man to complete me. But I want to be married and happy some day. I want a family of my own. Some day.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't want to have to wonder all the time. I want clarity in what is going on. Grant it, I understand that nothing is instant. But I want to feel security, and know that things are headed in the right direction. Will being with the right guy give me this? Is it his actions that will do this? Or do I need to just learn to be secure in my own self.

This is a combination of both feeling secure in oneself, as in trusting your instincts and most of all, self-respect; and being with the right person.

 

Historical patterning is important. If a person isn't self-aware, they're going to have no real reason for change. You feel you've changed as a person, in that you're not who you were...but...you're also self-aware to an extent. Maybe you need to look at these guys and decide how self-aware they really are, instead of only looking at the moment and washing away all history.

 

Look at how quickly you turned around your relationship with your mother. But...this took active work on your part.

 

No matter how hard we try to change, we're still a composite of our past. The past creates our current triggers, both positive and negative. For example, myself, with my ex's cheating. I found a man who didn't need an excessive amount of external validation, thus avoiding those negative triggers. I've also learned to trust my own instincts, thus anchoring within myself.

[OpenBook]

I want to be married and happy some day. I want a family of my own. Some day.

 

I think it would be good to make sure you understand (in your own mind) why you want this. Do you think being married is going to make you happy and solve all your problems? There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that, BTW... just be sure your expectations about marriage are in line with reality. It DOESN'T guarantee happiness. And it sure as hell ain't no cakewalk. You have to constantly make personal compromises, adjustments and sacrifices for your spouse. And what would you do if he didn't make his own adjustments/sacrifices to your liking? It's a lot to think about.

[Thornton]

It doesn't matter how secure you are in yourself, if a guy lies and cheats you're going to feel suspicious and insecure and hurt. To feel secure and confident, you need a good guy. You seem pretty sure about what you want, the trick is to make sure you get it. You have to be ruthless in order to weed out the bad guys - if he cheats, dump him; if he lies, dump him; don't stand for any crap and you'll find you get a good guy sooner because you haven't wasted your time with all the bad guys.

[boogieboy]

Yeah Dreamer youve seen what happens on this board. I think pretty much all women want exactly what you want, but they start to compromise when they fall for a guy. You already knew what you wanted im sure of it, but you started putting your heart into a guy who wasnt that into you, then had to bail out (smart move-i remember the situation)

 

Now that you got the initial list:

Do you think you can keep your ideals in your head when you see yourself falling for the guy, or can you keep your heart from getting in it?

 

Do you think you will compromise what you really want again when you see the guy misses one or more of your wants?

 

Are you prepared to squash the feelings that you might never find the guy after a few more bad dates? Can you keep hope alive?

[dreamergrl]

I do know that I have an old pattern to break. For a while, I thought I had broken it, because I didn't realize that I was still dating the losers. I didn't realize the losers where making me feel as if I where doing something wrong by having my own needs and wants.

 

I want to be married and have a family some day because I have all the love in the world to give to the right man, and soon to my own children. But I have to learn to only give it to the right man. I need to stop sacrificing things to the wrong ones. When I was 24 I was engaged. And even when it didn't work out (this guy wans't a loser, I just wasn't ready), I knew that some day I still wanted to be married.

 

To me, it's not 'can I keep these ideals in my head', it's I need to. In order to continue to grow as a person, and break the bad chain I've been in, I need to make sure I don't settle for less. I need to learn to walk away.

 

I do think I'm learning to trust myself better. I'm not 100% there yet, and it will take some time. But I think things are progressing. I'm happy to be learning and accepting more of myself.