bluewolf17 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Uh, so after what I thought was the start of a good reconiliation, here I am, crying. MY TB texted me today. We texted back and forth. He made a joke about me having a boyfriend (as he has done many times since we started talking). I don't have one, but it's his way of fishing. Anyhow, I made a comment about "if you think I have a BF, why would you contact me?" The texts came back and forth, but he told me he really missed me. I asked him what he wanted with me. Why break my NC. I asked if he knows what he wants. He replied "why does it have to be like that". I asked what he meant, and he said "why does it always come to this? Why can't we enjoy eachothers company & just see". I honestly didn't even know how to respond! This is the guy who has broke my NC (okay, I let him break it) twice. Both times, before I went NC I told him we couldn't be friends, and I asked him if he wanted to try again or not. Both times he gave me fuzzy answers. Not a yes, not a no. It hurt me so much, I went NC. Now that we have been in contact, I think it's only fair that I know what he wants. If he just wants to be friends, or if there is more. (I wouldn't be friends). And now he wants me to "wait and see". Am I being irrational? I do want him back, but "wait and see" just seems like a way of not saying yes or no. I haven't even replied back, I am so mad!
CaliGuy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I told you not to pressure him. Every time you ask those "where do we stand?!" questions you start caging people into a relationship when they aren't ready. You should just take it easy and see where things go. Don't be in such a hurry for answers. If the relationship doesn't progress the way you want it to then you can walk away at any time. But if you sit there and analyze every aspect of the relationship you will push him away. You want too much, too soon. Honestly, BW, he is behaving just like any normal guy would when put on the spot and he is not 100% sure of what he wants.
BCCA Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I dont think your request is all that irrational, just more than he's willing to give. If I was you, I wouldnt want any part of 'waiting and seeing', either, but your only option is to walk away if thats all he has to offer. Neither of you is 'wrong', per say, just on different pages. Like CG is saying, you cant back him into a corner, and expect him to say anything you want to hear. The worst place to put someone is in a position with nothing to lose, because then they just cant win no matter what. The one telling thing I noticed was this: "why does it always come to this? Why can't we enjoy eachothers company & just see". Honestly, I would have just said, "because that doesnt work for me. I need to know whats going on, or Im not interested in talking to you anymore. I hope you understand, I have to look out for my best interests" I think the problem is also related to the fact that you make lines in the sand, and then let them go. You go NC, but 'let him' break it, therefore, it means nothing. I would ignore him unless he says he wants to work things out. I dont think youre interested in waiting this one out, and I cant blame you. The thing is, when you tell people what you arent going to tolerate, MEAN IT, and STICK WITH IT. Otherwise, he thinks youre only half serious, and just mad.
jqb05443 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Hey Blue after my experience and if you really want him back I would just let things play out. Don't throw yourself at him like I did lol Don't pressure him for answers as I learned the hard way. The fact that he wants to wait and see what happens is better than nothing. Again this is coming from someone who would take anything I can get at this point : ) But I know everyone is different and some people can handle certain things and some people can't. So it really depends on you. If you can handle a slow reconciliation and having him in your life not a 100% how you would like it now but just taking it as it goes (the way my ex said) then I would say go for it. The fact that he you hung out with his roommate and his gf the other night shows that he at least isn't hiding you from his friends. If I was in your shoes I would take it slow and see what happens. I am here crying as well as my situation does not have a good ending. He basically told me that he doesn't want to be with me and I have been in tears ever since. It doesn't even seem like he wants to be friends with me anymore either. So I am officially starting my NC as of tomorrow for good. I am debating on whether I should have his phone number blocked from calling me so I don't jump everytime I get a text or a call and don't cry myself to sleep when he doesnt. But then I wonder what if he does try to reach out? I would never know. Any advice on that?
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I dunno Cali, Im tryin to think of reasons why this guy would be sayin this. I think he just wants her to be a FWB. He doesnt want her for a gf obviously, and hes telling her to back off the relationship talk. Blue you have to relax and be fun. Like when you first met. if you are going to have trouble with this, you should not talk to him at all, because you will only burn your chances to try again.
Author bluewolf17 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 Thanks everyone. Caliguy, damnit, I broke, okay. I kept thinking it would have been better if I had left it alone. Lesson learned. He just called me actually: Here's a re-cap: He missed me He has fun with me He is "slow moving" on big things (This is true) He hates that this is hurting me, and he truly doesn't mean to upset me He understands that I feel we can work it out and just try again, but he isn't sure. He said we broke up and had good reason too, we had both been unhappy. I don't even remember most of it. He hasn't dated anyone (and neither have I) He asked that I tell him If I date, and he would do the same, and we agreed we couldn't talk if that happens I don't know how to feel. He just told me to mellow out, and stop trying to force somthing to happen. He said again how sorry he was that I was hurting, and if it really hurts that much, it might be best to not talk, but he wouldn't like that. He did comfort me, and said we would talk soon. I guess the key here is, can I handle "waiting and seeing" or will it just hurt me more. Honestly, I think I will hurt. I will hope that he calls, and be disapointed when he doesn't. I will end up hating him, and being worst off. It would work, if I cared less, like he does.
CaliGuy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Thanks everyone. Caliguy, damnit, I broke, okay. I kept thinking it would have been better if I had left it alone. Lesson learned. He just called me actually: Here's a re-cap: He missed me He has fun with me He is "slow moving" on big things (This is true) He hates that this is hurting me, and he truly doesn't mean to upset me He understands that I feel we can work it out and just try again, but he isn't sure. He said we broke up and had good reason too, we had both been unhappy. I don't even remember most of it. He hasn't dated anyone (and neither have I) He asked that I tell him If I date, and he would do the same, and we agreed we couldn't talk if that happens I don't know how to feel. He just told me to mellow out, and stop trying to force somthing to happen. He said again how sorry he was that I was hurting, and if it really hurts that much, it might be best to not talk, but he wouldn't like that. He did comfort me, and said we would talk soon. I guess the key here is, can I handle "waiting and seeing" or will it just hurt me more. Honestly, I think I will hurt. I will hope that he calls, and be disapointed when he doesn't. I will end up hating him, and being worst off. It would work, if I cared less, like he does. If it's all or nothing for you, tell him. If he doesn't want ALL, then it's nothing. Then you aren't forcing anyone into a corner. You tell him what you want, if you are impatient or unwilling to let love grow naturally. Just be ready to bear the consequences of your actions.
Nuala83 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 He replied "why does it have to be like that". I asked what he meant, and he said "why does it always come to this? Why can't we enjoy eachothers company & just see". Rome wasn't built in a day. I don't think he's being unreasonable. It's not that long since you've started talking again. Personally I think he's being very sensible. He's told you he misses you and he hasn't said he doesn't want to try things again. I think if you pressure him at this tender point in the process he's gonna be certain that he doesn't want to give it another go. Give it a wee bit more time yet. I think you'll have to handle waiting and seeing for now. Don't wait around for his calls though, even though I know you're eager for him to call
PinkToes Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Something like this happened to me once. A guy I'd been with for about a year decided he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, so he broke it off. He came back within a couple of months, because he said he really missed me, and we went out a couple of times. But he was sort of acting like we'd never had a relationship; he just wanted to "date." He said he wanted to "back up" and take things slow. I agreed, purely because I wasn't over him yet. But after a couple of months (and I wasn't putting any sort of pressure on him), he started feeling anxious again, and he disappeared. In my case, this guy had a serious fear of commitment. He knew that, but didn't think it was a problem. Until he did the same thing with someone else. This may or may not be true in your case, but with this guy, he did fine as long as things weren't serious. And that's OK, it's just not me. The idea of being in a committed relationship for a year and then deciding you want to start casually dating is ridiculous, in my book.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 He wants to build somthing new.. I don't want to offend any men here. But most of the time instead fo facing old problems they want to build somthing new. Your old problems will need to be looked at. Just wait until he is in the right place to deal with them. Its obvious to make this work you will have to rebuild what u had together. It will not go as quickly as you would like. But you need to think about it and decide if its worth it. You guys have takin many steps backward. Its up to you to start going forward again, but I definetly wouldn't force the issue if you want him back.
Author bluewolf17 Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks all. I have been mulling it over all weekend. I haven't heard from him, and I don't blame him. It feels a little awkward now. I keep thinking maybe I can hang in there. You know, move on with my life, be happy, and every now and then, see him and have a good time. Maybe if we stay in LC, and always make it fun, someday he may change his feelings, and start to see me in a new light. The stronger part of my heart says I just need to tell him, friend won't work for me. We are in diffrent places, and I need to move on. I know if I told him I wanted NC, seriously, he would do it. It might be a relief. But I also would wonder "what if". But my story is not special. All of you are on here with the same pain, fears and regrets. I beleive there is hope for us all. Bluewolf17
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