rkelly1982 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 My girlfriend (and the mother of my 2 year old daughter) and I recently broke up. She's already dating someone else so naturally I was both extremely hurt and angry. This whole process has last a couple of months but I can truly say that each day gone by I get a little stronger and a little more confidence. My ex considers me her best friend ( I don't feel the same way about her for many reasons) and I would love to eventually have a very friendly relationship with her. We tried being friendly but every time the personal questions were asked (What are you doing this weekend, where are you going, etc.) I would dwell and get angry. About a week ago I told her that I think it would be best for my health that we only talk about our daughters well being. I could tell she was bothered. Since then she has asked me out to breakfast for Father's day and accused me of trying to get under her skin. She has also said that I'm making the relationship bitter and cold. I think I'm doing the right thing, but I feel bad... Any advice?
reservoirdog1 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I'm guessing she's the one who broke up with you, so she could date the new guy. I think you should limit contact with her for now, for your own sake. She probably wants the friendly relationship immediately so that she doesn't have to feel as bad about hurting you. Which is understandable, but also unreasonable. You ARE hurt, and your feelings count here too. As long as you're civil with her on those occasions when you have to see her or speak to her because of your daughter, then you have nothing to feel bad about. From what you said, it doesn't sound like she cheated on you; she wasn't happy, ended the relationship, and started dating somebody else. Which doesn't mean that you can't be hurt, and understandably so. Explain to her that you're going to restrict your contact with her to only what's absolutely necessary, because doing otherwise is too painful right now and you need to put some distance between the past and the present. If she starts to get pissy about this, remind her that she's not the only one with needs and feelings and that you can't be all smiles with her just because that's what she wants. And frankly, if she still can't accept that, she's being selfish and insensitive and you may just have to tell her to piss off.
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Dont feel bad, you cant have a friendship when you still have feelings. You are right to feel angry, and you should limit your contact with her so she CAN feel bad about hurting you. Dont let her get off easy. In fact you should do the bare minimum of speaking when it comes to your kid. "Ok, ill take her (the daughter) on wednesday at 6pm. Cya then, bye" Let her feel upset about it, her emotions are not your concern anymore. For her to want to be friends with you she gets three things: 1.) She doesnt have to feel bad about dumping you 2.) she gets to have the friendship from you that she missed (only the friendship, nothing else) 3.) she gets to have her cake and eat it too. So of course she gets to be happy while youre miserable cuz she has it all. Dont let her have it all. Plus cutting her off will help you heal faster, so you can get another gf soon and move on.
Author rkelly1982 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I don't know if she cheated on me with this guy but I do know that she cheated on me right before our daughter's first birthday. I was devistated and took her back believe that she made a huge mistake and that we would be a family. She lied to me all the time and refused to give my daughter my last name. I was also not wanted in the delivery room when she was born. I know what all of you are saying now... How could this guy put up with that? Well I truly thought she was scared and that we would work things out. I know we will not get back together and I know it is for the best. The thing I'm struggling with his how to deal with her... She wants to be friends and I know this sounds like I'm full of myself but I don't think she deserves to be my friend, at least not right now...
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 No she doesnt deserve friendship. Reread what was posted above until it sinks in....
reservoirdog1 Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 If she cheated on you before, then I'll bet she did it again this time. And going on that assumption, her need for you to be friendly is even less important. She clearly didn't give a shyt for your feelings when she betrayed you. Why should you force yourself to be anything more than coldly courteous with her, just to make HER happy? Having been where you are, I can tell you that anger and righteous indignation can be your friends. Being angry feels a lot better than feeling sad. As long as you don't do stupid or harmful things while angry, it's all good. Let her deal with her guilt on her own. Her problem. Not yours.
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