celesteundress Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 hi, i've been through my share of painful break ups and am familiar with the stages and my own way of processing them. my last bf initiated a break up with me about 2 months ago by saying he felt that 'something was missing' and then could not elaborate on it (he said he didn't know what it was). we went round and round on it, he said there wasn't anybody else and that he was being sincere about not knowing why he felt this way. exhausted by how obtuse he was in explaining himself..i felt cornered into ending it. this is simplifying the discussion we had. but i got nothing more out of him to provide me with any sort of clarity about what went wrong. i told myself that he wasn't in love with me anymore and couldn't bring himself to say it. it's presumptuous, but i needed my own explanation and sense of closure. we were best friends prior to dating and we lasted 7 months. i did the best i could in elaborating how confounded i felt about our separation and accused him of not wanting to put in any effort to work on our communication skills. to me, we didn't work out because he gave up. he insisted that i was his best friend and expected us to remain good friends, we share the same circle. since then i've seen him twice in a large social setting, we were cordial. i went 'NC' and i guess he did too. but lately he's been sporadically msging me, asking if i want to hang out. i said i would be inclined to, but have heard nothing of it since. i guess he means 'hang out some time in the future' which i'm fine with actually, baby steps. i'm in no rush to see him, but i am certainly curious about what this time and space may have done. here's what i'm conflicted about - i am not friends with any of my exes. not because i don't want to be, but what has happened several times now is they come back around maybe a year later, initiating a friendship but with the motive of seeing if there was anything still between us. not an honest, platonic friendship. oh and they were jerks when we were dating. the delayed remorse did nothing to sway me. some of you on here say, an ex will initiate a friendship for selfish reasons - to 'ease their guilt' or have 'their cake and eat it too'. none of us are perfect, we all have flaws and baggage, we make mistakes and **** up and sometimes we know better but act otherwise. i feel empathy and compassion towards my ex boyfriend. i miss him very much. but my ego and pride get in the way of accepting how he is. i struggle with judging him because he consciously hurt me by severing me out of his life and by not speaking to him meant things wouldn't be so 'easy' for him. how did those of you get through that crutch and just let go of your pain in order to let an ex be in your life in a different way (whatever way that is)? thank you for listening ps. this is an interesting post http://jezebel.com/5295534/becoming-friends-with-the-ex+girlfriend?skyline=true&s=x
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Youve already seen the pattern with your ex's, its going to be the same way. So dont bother. When youre still in the same circle, you can be cordial, just like you have been, but you already know why youre not friends with any of your ex's. By the way, when someone your dating doesnt have a good concrete reason for breaking up with you, its because they cant think of a good lie, and they dont want to say "because I found someone else". So think of that when you think about whether you want to be friends with a liar.
Author celesteundress Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 ouch! well because we're in the same circle, i know he isn't seeing anybody else. certainly he could be wanting to pursue someone else, that i wouldn't know. my previous exes all came clean about wanting to be with others, as in, there was already an overlap.
Exit Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I never really make an effort to be friends, nor do I take any special steps to "allow it". It usually just ends up happening on it's own. There isn't really any pain that I have to get over before allowing it, because usually all the pain is gone by the time they come back around. I'm going through a break up right now and ironically enough my biggest help during this process has been an ex I dated years ago. She insisted on coming to see me the other day to make sure I didn't get too depressed. When we were dating, she broke up with me through an email and I felt just as bad as I do about this breakup, but it was years ago, we were young, we both made silly mistakes, and I'm not going to judge people on things that happened in high school. You mention being hung up on your ego and pride, well no offense but those are usually considered to be negative aspects of the human personality. I think my ex (the recent breakup) made a lot of decisions based on ego and pride, and one day she will regret that. If you can get past your ego, maybe you can be friends. If he's doing it for the wrong reasons and tries to hit on you or something like that, then you're in the position to turn HIM down. The power has shifted now that he's the one asking to have you in his life. I mean, if you think he's a total slimeball, obviously there's no reason to go through the effort of trying to be friends. But, you are here posting about it, so you must be a little conflicted, part of you must want to. If you are still hurt about what happened between the two of you, it probably won't work. I am only friends with the exs who I absolutely don't have feelings for anymore. The kind of exs where they can tell me they're dating someone, sleeping with someone, having an orgy with circus midgets, and I don't even flinch, because the wounds have healed and I don't care what they do.
asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I'm still trying to understand the point behind a dumper wanting to be friends with a dumpee. So, you like my company, and the last time we saw each other were making out with me, but now you want to hang out with me except not make out. And this idea would appeal to me... why?
adamt Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I'm still trying to understand the point behind a dumper wanting to be friends with a dumpee. So, you like my company, and the last time we saw each other were making out with me, but now you want to hang out with me except not make out. And this idea would appeal to me... why? Out of guilt. makes them feel better thinking they can soften the blow. They hope you accept to still be friends then they have dealt with the relationship part ok. but then most have no intention of keeping intouch.
Exit Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Not only do they think it will soften the blow for the person getting dumped, they are really trying to make it easier on themselves. If they can contact you and know that you're ok and still have your friendship, this will make them feel better about their decision, and help THEM heal quicker. Someone made a good point in another thread, not only do you want to do No Contact for yourself, but you don't want to be part of helping them get over you! If you completely ignore them, they will have to face their doubts and wonder if they did the right thing. If you're on the phone with them every day being their buddy, they'll be happy with their decision. You may think you're helping yourself when you try to be their friend, but in reality you're just giving them a shoulder to cry on, even though you're the one they just dumped!!
asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Out of guilt. makes them feel better thinking they can soften the blow. They hope you accept to still be friends then they have dealt with the relationship part ok. but then most have no intention of keeping intouch. Sounds like a great reason not to be friends. If she dumped me after 7 dates for some unknown bizarre reason when she could have just stopped dating me after date #3 or 4, then she SHOULD feel like crap. I'm not about to soothe her conscience for her.
asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Not only do they think it will soften the blow for the person getting dumped, they are really trying to make it easier on themselves. If they can contact you and know that you're ok and still have your friendship, this will make them feel better about their decision, and help THEM heal quicker. Someone made a good point in another thread, not only do you want to do No Contact for yourself, but you don't want to be part of helping them get over you! If you completely ignore them, they will have to face their doubts and wonder if they did the right thing. If you're on the phone with them every day being their buddy, they'll be happy with their decision. You may think you're helping yourself when you try to be their friend, but in reality you're just giving them a shoulder to cry on, even though you're the one they just dumped!! This is poetry. I need to copypaste this to my blackberry and look at it every time I get tempted to contact her.
adamt Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 18 months into the relationship with my ex, we bumped into one of her exes in bar. she went over to speak to him and when she came back she said she was happy that they are now friends and that was was the first time they had spoken since the break up 5 years earlier as he took it hard. I guess that is just easing her conscience. funny how it is probably my turn now. the dumper remaining friends is just about them being happy that everything is fine and they dont have to worry about feeling bad or guilty and they made teh right decision to split up.
asuman Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Right. Clearly, she made the WRONG decision to split up. Of that I have no doubt. So again we are all in agreement here: Why are we making it easier for them to believe they made the right decision? We would be enabling a lie. If anything, we owe it to them to make them feel like crap for leaving us. Let them wallow in their self-doubts and second thoughts, and wonder why we're not groveling for them. We're too busy getting on with our lives with women smart enough to see us for who we are: relationship material.
juschilln Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 asu man ur exactly right you cant stay in contact all it does is make it easier for the dumper and harder for the dumpee. she contacted me over a chat last night and i kept the convo short as possible. then she told me at the end "why are u throwing away what we had cas i know thats what ur doing" and i thought to myself ur the 1 who ended it...obviously this no contact works and the dumpee notices it even though they sometimes dont reveal it to the dumper
Author celesteundress Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 i understand the importance of no contact soon after a break up, you are doing it for yourself. a break up is a process, but i absolutely despise all the game playing that can happen, in my experience ignoring my exes after some time has passed only makes things more complicated when i do see them around. why hold onto that anger? bitterness is very unappealing, not to mention petty. but if they do want to be friends and do make an effort why can't it also mean that they could genuinely miss your company or that you're better off as friends instead of lovers? there are many variations. mind you, i posted on here because i am struggling and this particular ex who was one of my best friends prior to dating. our relationship was based on a solid foundation of friendship. we both knowingly took a risk and didn't know what would happen. in order for me to heal, i needed to remind myself that i gave it my best shot and to accept the outcome. i was seeking advice on this sort of limbo state....after a couple of months we've started to slowly communicate, i wanted to know how people have managed to make that cross over and things to keep in mind about this process.
boogieboy Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 My ex wouldnt stop texting me just to monitor me and see if I answered for her ego. Once I realize this I ignored her. She still tried to this day 4 months later, and i got over her by seeing how pathetic she is. I dont have any female platonic friends, so having female exs as friends is out of the question.
boogieboy Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 i understand the importance of no contact soon after a break up, you are doing it for yourself. a break up is a process, but i absolutely despise all the game playing that can happen, in my experience ignoring my exes after some time has passed only makes things more complicated when i do see them around. why hold onto that anger? bitterness is very unappealing, not to mention petty. but if they do want to be friends and do make an effort why can't it also mean that they could genuinely miss your company or that you're better off as friends instead of lovers? there are many variations. mind you, i posted on here because i am struggling and this particular ex who was one of my best friends prior to dating. our relationship was based on a solid foundation of friendship. we both knowingly took a risk and didn't know what would happen. in order for me to heal, i needed to remind myself that i gave it my best shot and to accept the outcome. i was seeking advice on this sort of limbo state....after a couple of months we've started to slowly communicate, i wanted to know how people have managed to make that cross over and things to keep in mind about this process. The situation that usually happens is the dumper wants to ne friends, and they dumpee still has feelings, so you cant be friends when you still want to talk about the relationship. Its hurtful. The dumper could care less about the dumpee still hanging on. How can a freindship work from that?
bluewolf17 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Ex with friends. I have dated quite a bit, and the general answer is no. I am friendly with them if we run into eachother, but I don't call any of them or see them. My first Ex (from 10 yrs ago) I see from time to time in a group setting. Sometimes I go the whole night without even saying a word to him and sometimes we chat all night, but it ends there. It's just catching up. And we can only be friends because I HAVE NO feelings left for him. I could watch him have sex in front of me and just feel sad for the girl he's with. He wasn't that great in bed My 2nd Ex and I were together 3 yrs, and broke up 7 yrs ago. Strangly enough, he tried to get back with me about 6-7 months after we broke up. He treated me like dirt most of the time, and I would always beg him back. The last time we broke up, I just moved in. I met someone else. But this ex tried for almost 4 years to get me back. A long time, I know. He wanted to be friends, and I did too. NOT BECAUSE I FELT BAD FOR HIM, OR IT FED HIS EGO EITHER!! I wanted to be his friend because he made me laugh, made me happy, and I enjoyed seeing him and hearing about his life. Unfortunetly, he just really wanted me back. It wasn't until I basically had to scream at him that it would never happend, did he go NC. Actually, I forced NC on him. I feel bad. Maybe we can be friends years down the road, but probably not. My most current ex of 3.5 years broke up with me end of Feb. I have had two stints of NC (about a month each). He keeps breaking them, wanting to talk and see eachother. He hasn't said "lets just be friends", he has said "lets wait and see". But when we get together, it feels like friends. Nothing physical, and we have a good time. BUT, IT WON'T LAST. Eventually if we don't get back together, I will get mad and go NC and hate him, or he will date someone, and we won't be able to talk anymore. THAT IS NOT A FRIEND. So to answer, no. No friends, no way. Not unless you BOTH have moved on, and it's been a long long time.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I'm currently friends with four of my exes, who I don't contact but let them contact me. In order to be friends, all romantic feelings have to be gone. What disappears with those romantic feelings, is resentment and baggage.
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