broken23 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 hello all, first off, this is really cool .. its awesome that there are spots where one can come for real advice that comes from experience - ive been reading a few posts, and it seems like everyone here has at some point had similar experiences .. so, by way of introduction .. my gf and i were friends for about three years, never in the same city but bumped into each other at parties and stuff, and always felt something for each other, but never referred to it .. then she went off to two really far away countries, and we started chatting online .. and boy, did we chat .. we would talk, and talk, and talk .. and got to know each other really well by the end of it .. finally, when she came back to the states, we met each other at a music festival and within two weeks, were a couple .. the next ten months were beautiful .. it was long distance (we live five hours away from each other), but we would see each other almost every weekend, and take all our breaks together and stuff like that .. then, at the beginning of 09, i started getting really stressed out about my job (i work in finance), and it took a major toll on me .. i know that it took a toll on her too, and would pretty frequently tell her that i felt like this was turning me into a different person, and just wanted to get out of the toxic work environment .. at one point, i considered quitting and going up to where she lives to just take a few months off .. anyway, a whole series of things happened in the interim (work wise), and finally, i handed in my resignation (i found another job) two weeks ago .. i call her to tell her this, and we were chatting about the vacation that i would have coming up, when she said that she wanted to break up with me .. she was bawling and wailing, and said that she wasnt in love with me anymore, but still loved me .. she said a few other things too, like she felt this in her gut and she didnt really know the exact reasons but she felt that this was the right decision .. anyway .. its been a few weeks ... we had a pretty nasty weekend immediately after the breakup - i called her sunday, and was a bit low - she said she understood, and that she was totally ok with talking about during this weekend - we both agreed that no contact would be the best move for the immediate future though .. so its been a couple of weeks .. food tastes great again, and im over the pain of not having her around (you know, phone, email, text) 24/7 .. ive been doing tons of thinking, obviously, about what went wrong .. i know that i should have been more receptive to her, even while my life was going haywire, because she really was very supportive of me through out .. ive also realized that even though i can go through my life happy without her, she was so perfect for me, and im really still deeply in love with her .. so, this is what i was planning on doing and was looking for advice .. sometime in the next three weeks (so it will be a month since the breakup), i was planning on going to her town as a total surprise, without telling her , and then texting her to say that i am holding her favorite pajamas (that she left at my place by accident, and wanted back before we broke up - never mentioned them after, obviously) for ransom at what was our favorite coffee shop .. when she comes, which i totally am sure she would, i would give them to her, have a chat, and then go back to new york .. during the chat, i would tell her that i really do respect her decision, because a) it opened my eyes to a bunch of things ive been too stressed or self involved to pay attention to, and im glad about that .. and b) i still care very deeply about her .. what do you think ? I know no contact is no contact, but everyone gives it a certain amount of time and b) i know this girl loves me .. how we broke up is still a shock to me, but there was no cheating - other men - other women - loss of trust - nothing like that .. Please do respond :-)
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Dood, she said specifically that she wasnt in love with you anymore. Once a women loses love like that, it doesnt come back. I think she found someone else and thats the real reason. So if you go see her, she will probably be in another relationship already. The NC was more for you to heal than for a reconciliation. If she wants you back, she will call. So dont go see her, dont text her, forget about her until she decides to call you.
Exit Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 It's a little too risky about how she would respond to that. A phone call or email is one thing. Showing up in her town and telling her that you're waiting for her somewhere could really freak her out. You'd be better off sending an email that says "this is what I was planning to do, but I want to be considerate of your feelings and decided it might not be the best idea". At least this way she knows you care without the risk of looking like a stalker. Or just continue NC completely. She did give you a pretty clear message. The line about "I don't know why, I just feel it in my gut" is usually bull. Women know why they do things, and they know they can get away with not telling us. It sounds like you learned a couple of lessons from this situation, you should walk away with that in mind and just cut your losses. It was a long distance thing anyway. You guys knew each other for years before this all happened, if she ever feels like she messed up, she will contact you.
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