LovieDove24 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Ok I've been on a dating website for awhile now and I am not completely sure how to end things properly when you realize there's no connection after the first, second or third date. I had one instance where a guy pulled out his phone while we were on our first date, turn the vibrator on and put it on my crotch. I was shocked and embarrased he could do this to a mere stranger on a first date! Sick! Needless to say I would not be seeing him again. But was I supposed to tell him specifically what turned me off when he called me 10 times after in the week following? I simply ignored his calls. Another example, a guy and I met up for drinks and he smoked like a chimney the entire time. Can you say turnoff? I always end the night by saying I had a good time b/c I am just too polite to be blunt about what really irked me. I'm sorry but "You smell like a cigarette factory and we won't be doing this again" does not really work for me. It's even harder too when you otherwise got along fine and they are looking for specifics as to why you're not interested. Help!
39388 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 If a woman is not interested in me, something like a generic "we're not a good much for each other" or someting along those lines is what I'd prefer hearing. A neutral statement like "I'll think about it" would be ok too. Specific reasons make it worse and are not needed. Saying very little might give them a hint also. It makes me really mad when someone deceives me by telling me everything is good when it is really terrible. Inevitably, it leads to a messy situation.
butcher's hook Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I would say you don't have enough in common to see the long term thing happening. But, you had better have good concrete reasons as to why you are not compatible because in my experience every single time I reject a guy after a few dates he goes into overdrive trying to convince me why we are a good match. It's so annoying how they panic and will say anything to guilt trip you into staying. It's natural they will want specifics. (uuuhm he put his phone on your crotch?) how did it even get to that point? What could you possibly be talking about that he would feel comfortable enough to do that? Sorry but it sounds like you are way too nice, if a guy ever did that to me out of left field I would get up and leave. And if you were talking about stuff that lead to that I would stop with the sexual innuendos on a first date if I were you. Either way you have more power in that situation than you choose to believe.
Prolix Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 That is what I wondered too, Butcher. How on earth did it get to the point where he placed a phone there? That isn't someone a guy is going to just randomly do unless he's completely mental.
WTRanger Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I think that after one one date, and give the way he acted, I don't think he even deserves an explanation. Just act like you've never met him, don't ever talk to him again, ignore him, and eventually he'll get the clue. If the guy was nice, but you just didn't feel a connection then I think that's a good place for a soft, but realistic explanation of why you don't see things really working out. But if the guy is a tool, then screw being nice to him.
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Lovie you think youre being polite by lying, but youre actually being quite rude. Youre also not helping the guy out by not telling him how crass he is by putting his phone on your crotch, and not telling the other guy that his smoking turned you off permanently. The reason they did that to you is because the last women also lied to them. Dont you think if he would have learned from the last time, he might have been a better fit for you, but some other woman was too chicken to tell him the truth? All you are doing is keeping yourself from feeling guilty and worrying that they think badly of you. That is horribly selfish. Since you realize that you wont talk to these guys again, you dont have to feel bad by telling them the truth. Especially since you will be dating more guys off this site. Guys can handle it, help them not make the same mistakes again.
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I would say you don't have enough in common to see the long term thing happening. But, you had better have good concrete reasons as to why you are not compatible because in my experience every single time I reject a guy after a few dates he goes into overdrive trying to convince me why we are a good match. It's so annoying how they panic and will say anything to guilt trip you into staying. It's natural they will want specifics. (uuuhm he put his phone on your crotch?) how did it even get to that point? What could you possibly be talking about that he would feel comfortable enough to do that? Sorry but it sounds like you are way too nice, if a guy ever did that to me out of left field I would get up and leave. And if you were talking about stuff that lead to that I would stop with the sexual innuendos on a first date if I were you. Either way you have more power in that situation than you choose to believe. Nothing! We were at a movie theater and he had his arm rested on my leg...that is all folks. Yes he was a sincere creepo. Too bad they don't filter things like that on online dating sites, yipes!
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I suppose I should be honest to their face. I would actually feel more comfortable doing it over the phone. I grew up in the type of family where you constantly walked on eggshells and it was quite a good breeding ground for someone to turn out like a complete mean a*hole or someone who overcompensates the "peace" by saying nothing at all. Sorry boogie boy if you think I'm extremely selfish, thats your opinion though and not the truth.
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I suppose I should be honest to their face. I would actually feel more comfortable doing it over the phone. I grew up in the type of family where you constantly walked on eggshells and it was quite a good breeding ground for someone to turn out like a complete mean a*hole or someone who overcompensates the "peace" by saying nothing at all. Sorry boogie boy if you think I'm extremely selfish, thats your opinion though and not the truth. Since you cant tell your dates the truth, I would tend not to believe the eggshell theory as being the real reason youre too afraid to tell the truth to these guys faces. You basically started this thread asking about how to lie to these guys. Youre avoiding confrontation and guilt. Dont worry, you tell a few of these guys the truth, you'll get used to it. They should realize when the truth is so severe (as long as you dont try to sugar coat it) that they dont have a chance with you, they should accept it and move on, and appreciate the truth. IF not, you stand your ground. If you cant deal with that, then continue to lie to them.
lora22 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I always end the night by saying I had a good time b/c I am just too polite to be blunt about what really irked me. That is SO rude, not polite at all. All you're doing is leading him on. If you didn't have a good time, but can't bring yourself to tell him you're not interested, just don't say anything. Generally when someone says she had a good time it implies that she'd be interested in a second date. Don't most dating sites have at least SOME filters, like whether someone is a smoker or not? While it would be terribly rude to end a date with "you smell like a cigarette factory" there is nothing wrong with saying "Thank you for taking me out, but I'm not interested in dating a smoker" or something to that effect. Other than that, if a guy you're not into asks for a second date, you just say "I'm flattered but no thank you/I'm not interested/I don't think we're a good match."
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 That is SO rude, not polite at all. All you're doing is leading him on. If you didn't have a good time, but can't bring yourself to tell him you're not interested, just don't say anything. Generally when someone says she had a good time it implies that she'd be interested in a second date. Don't most dating sites have at least SOME filters, like whether someone is a smoker or not? While it would be terribly rude to end a date with "you smell like a cigarette factory" there is nothing wrong with saying "Thank you for taking me out, but I'm not interested in dating a smoker" or something to that effect. Other than that, if a guy you're not into asks for a second date, you just say "I'm flattered but no thank you/I'm not interested/I don't think we're a good match." Lol wow I didn't realize how many people were up in arms about this! Just to make things clear, I am never gushing on a man's arm with a huge smile on my face saying I had such a good time, with a sparkle in my eye. No way. I'll usually just say, "It was nice meeting you" or "Had a nice time." I kinda find it to be along the lines of when someone asks you how you're doing, the typical response is "good." While it'd probably be a lot "healthier" and productive for relationship purposes to really spill your heart out and get your troubles off your chest, saying "I'm good" instead typically is a shorthand for being polite and also saves face at the same time.
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 That is SO rude, not polite at all. All you're doing is leading him on. If you didn't have a good time, but can't bring yourself to tell him you're not interested, just don't say anything. Generally when someone says she had a good time it implies that she'd be interested in a second date. Don't most dating sites have at least SOME filters, like whether someone is a smoker or not? While it would be terribly rude to end a date with "you smell like a cigarette factory" there is nothing wrong with saying "Thank you for taking me out, but I'm not interested in dating a smoker" or something to that effect. Other than that, if a guy you're not into asks for a second date, you just say "I'm flattered but no thank you/I'm not interested/I don't think we're a good match." Well the problem I have with this is, she should already tell the guy at the end of the first date that there wont be a second date, and he shouldnt be calling at all. But she wont do it face to face. Its just as well, its not like this is going to start a trend. Most women/men will just avoid calls instead of going though the trouble of laying it out. Its never going to change.
lora22 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Lol wow I didn't realize how many people were up in arms about this! Just to make things clear, I am never gushing on a man's arm with a huge smile on my face saying I had such a good time, with a sparkle in my eye. No way. I'll usually just say, "It was nice meeting you" or "Had a nice time." I kinda find it to be along the lines of when someone asks you how you're doing, the typical response is "good." While it'd probably be a lot "healthier" and productive for relationship purposes to really spill your heart out and get your troubles off your chest, saying "I'm good" instead typically is a shorthand for being polite and also saves face at the same time. LOL didn't intend for that to come across as mean or angry - but how you say it doesn't change the fact that in the dating world those words generally indicate interest in another date. If you're saying it to be polite, just thank him for dinner or whatever if he paid.
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Lol wow I didn't realize how many people were up in arms about this! Just to make things clear, I am never gushing on a man's arm with a huge smile on my face saying I had such a good time, with a sparkle in my eye. No way. I'll usually just say, "It was nice meeting you" or "Had a nice time." I kinda find it to be along the lines of when someone asks you how you're doing, the typical response is "good." While it'd probably be a lot "healthier" and productive for relationship purposes to really spill your heart out and get your troubles off your chest, saying "I'm good" instead typically is a shorthand for being polite and also saves face at the same time. of course people are up in arms. Youve been on this board long enough to see how cowardly dumpers break up with people. They do it just the way you do it. You dont have to spill your heart out, just say, "hey you just creeped me out with that phone gag, and we wont be going out anymore, take care of yourself." How hard is that? Havent you even been avoided by a guy after a date and you wondered what you did wrong?
lora22 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Well the problem I have with this is, she should already tell the guy at the end of the first date that there wont be a second date, and he shouldnt be calling at all. But she wont do it face to face. Its just as well, its not like this is going to start a trend. Most women/men will just avoid calls instead of going though the trouble of laying it out. Its never going to change. I disagree with you on this. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with letting someone know in no uncertain terms that your'e not interested in another date at the end of the night. BUT I think that it's perfectly polite and acceptable to wait for the other party to indicate interest by asking you on another date before turning them down. Otherwise you're assuming they want another date, and if they don't, you looke like an arrogant tool. I do agree with you 100% that people need to be honest though - don't lead anyone on, and don't ignore calls or dance around an invitation for another date if you're not interested. Just let them know for sure you're not interested so they can stop wasting their time.
Author LovieDove24 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 of course people are up in arms. Youve been on this board long enough to see how cowardly dumpers break up with people. They do it just the way you do it. You dont have to spill your heart out, just say, "hey you just creeped me out with that phone gag, and we wont be going out anymore, take care of yourself." How hard is that? Havent you even been avoided by a guy after a date and you wondered what you did wrong? Right I have been on here long enough to see how the dissapearing act hurts others. I have been on the receiving end of it too. BUT the big difference between the painful disapperances some people experiences here with their ex and what I've done seems miles apart in my opinion. When I go on a first or second date, even if we had a nice time, if I don't hear from him afterwords I am not "crushed" nor am I even offended. I take that as all the sign I need that he was not interested. Once the "testing the waters" phase is over (typically after the first few dates) I most certainly would not pull this manuveur as plans for a future together are probably beginning to be conjured up in one anothers mind and thus feelings have a likelihood to get hurt. When its in such an early stage though, I just feel like we're merely strangers still and slightly awkward conversations feel even moreso in these situations.
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 BUT I think that it's perfectly polite and acceptable to wait for the other party to indicate interest by asking you on another date before turning them down. Otherwise you're assuming they want another date, and if they don't, you looke like an arrogant tool. Yeah but who does that? if youre waiting for them to call, youre not telling them what they did wrong, youre just avoiding the call. Then were back to the original problem. Now youre getting into an area that is a slippery slope into avoiding rejection. Lovie knew right when the phone hit her crotch that this was it. So at the end of that date she could have told him. Besides if she knows she doesnt want to see him again, it doesnt matter if he thinks shes arrogant. She avoids the guy who calls 10 times, she obviously doesnt care what he thinks of her, so she can do whatever she wants. She shouldnt be afraid for him to retaliate if hes immature enough. Thats the only thing I can see being avoided by this.
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 When its in such an early stage though, I just feel like we're merely strangers still and slightly awkward conversations feel even moreso in these situations. Oh so you just dont want to feel awkward? See if a guy doesnt call you back, Im sure you dont call him 10 times trying to get him to go out with you again. I would think it would be easier to tell the guy straight up on the last date rather than avoiding him calling you 10 times.
lora22 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Yeah but who does that? if youre waiting for them to call, youre not telling them what they did wrong, youre just avoiding the call. Then were back to the original problem. Now youre getting into an area that is a slippery slope into avoiding rejection. Lovie knew right when the phone hit her crotch that this was it. So at the end of that date she could have told him. Besides if she knows she doesnt want to see him again, it doesnt matter if he thinks shes arrogant. She avoids the guy who calls 10 times, she obviously doesnt care what he thinks of her, so she can do whatever she wants. She shouldnt be afraid for him to retaliate if hes immature enough. Thats the only thing I can see being avoided by this. Who does what? Waits to turn someone down if they ask you out again, or who actually turns them down? *Waves hand* I do! I don't see anything wrong with it. If you've only gone out once, there's no need to assume he's interested and will call to ask me out again. Therefore, there's no need to let him know at the end of our date that he shouldn't call me again. However, if he does call to ask me out - sure, I'll say "No thank you, I'm not interested" because I don't want him to keep calling me. It's annoying and it's a waste of both our time. The exception to that would be if it's incredibly obvious by the end of the first date that he's interested in another date - then you should let him know right then and there that he shouldn't bother cuz it's not gonna happen. Of course, this is just when you go on a normal date and just don't really hit it off with the person. I think the vibrating cell phone is a bad example of this type of question. Let's face it, if someone does something that inappropriate on a first date, the date should be OVER right then and there.
boogieboy Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Who does what? Waits to turn someone down if they ask you out again, or who actually turns them down? *Waves hand* I do! I don't see anything wrong with it. If you've only gone out once, there's no need to assume he's interested and will call to ask me out again. Therefore, there's no need to let him know at the end of our date that he shouldn't call me again. However, if he does call to ask me out - sure, I'll say "No thank you, I'm not interested" because I don't want him to keep calling me. It's annoying and it's a waste of both our time. The exception to that would be if it's incredibly obvious by the end of the first date that he's interested in another date - then you should let him know right then and there that he shouldn't bother cuz it's not gonna happen. Of course, this is just when you go on a normal date and just don't really hit it off with the person. I think the vibrating cell phone is a bad example of this type of question. Let's face it, if someone does something that inappropriate on a first date, the date should be OVER right then and there. Yeah but if he calls, you answer the phone, youre 1 in a million, which is not the debate in this thread in the first place. Youre not afraid of the minor confrontation. If a guy puts a vibrating phone in your crotch, you end it right there and let him know thats it. Not what Lovies doing. The vibrating phone can just represent anything that a date does to turn you off. If Lovie knows she doesnt like the guy after he turns her off, she shouldnt be afraid to tell him. how bout this Lovie: Next time a guy does something to turn you off, instead of telling him what he did wrong, you get up and leave right then. "Im sorry, i dont like that, I have to go". Then he will know what he did wrong, and you only deal with a little bit of awkwardness.
lora22 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Yeah but if he calls, you answer the phone, youre 1 in a million, which is not the debate in this thread in the first place. HA, my fatal flaw is I think I'm right a good chunk of the time and everyone should just do that also - cuz hey, I'm right!! :p how bout this Lovie: Next time a guy does something to turn you off, instead of telling him what he did wrong, you get up and leave right then. "Im sorry, i dont like that, I have to go". Then he will know what he did wrong, and you only deal with a little bit of awkwardness. I agree with this, if what he does to turn you off is inappropriate, rude, etc., rather than just simply not clicking with the guy. I mean, even with the guy smoking - did he ask you if it was OK to smoke in front of you, and if so did you say yes or let him know that no it wasn't OK?
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