jj33 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Maybe I am not so good at reading signals. Maybe there is no good way to relate to someone you used to be involved with. But apparently I have been misreading normal friendliness as him still being in love with me. Is this possible? I mean I know its possible but it seems to me that if someone spends almost 2 years trying to get back with you, you say no and mean it (no more A), and they keep paying what seems like extra attention to you, then its not unreasonable to think that they still have feelings for you is it? Or was I simply wearing rose colored glasses? Was he just so mature and reasonable that he was able to say fine, she doesnt want the A anymore I will continue to be her friend as if we never had a romantic history? And was I misreading this whole host of things as ploys for attention when really he was just treating me the way you would treat any close colleague? Boy do I feel stupid. Thank God there is finally something close to NC (as close as we will ever get). maybe I needed to believe that these were just ploys because I was still in love with him. Maybe he was just doing his best to get along and joke with me and I made a huge production over nothing. A part of me thinks that he is just saying that because things didnt go his way and so now he is saying its just water under the bridge as far as I am concerned, relax. It doesnt matter in the big scheme of things, but as a matter of pride I hate to think I read everything the wrong way for so long.
OWoman Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Maybe I am not so good at reading signals. Maybe there is no good way to relate to someone you used to be involved with. But apparently I have been misreading normal friendliness as him still being in love with me. Is this possible? I mean I know its possible but it seems to me that if someone spends almost 2 years trying to get back with you, you say no and mean it (no more A), and they keep paying what seems like extra attention to you, then its not unreasonable to think that they still have feelings for you is it? Or was I simply wearing rose colored glasses? Was he just so mature and reasonable that he was able to say fine, she doesnt want the A anymore I will continue to be her friend as if we never had a romantic history? And was I misreading this whole host of things as ploys for attention when really he was just treating me the way you would treat any close colleague? Boy do I feel stupid. Thank God there is finally something close to NC (as close as we will ever get). maybe I needed to believe that these were just ploys because I was still in love with him. Maybe he was just doing his best to get along and joke with me and I made a huge production over nothing. A part of me thinks that he is just saying that because things didnt go his way and so now he is saying its just water under the bridge as far as I am concerned, relax. It doesnt matter in the big scheme of things, but as a matter of pride I hate to think I read everything the wrong way for so long. JJ - the truth is, it doesn't matter. There's no way you can get to his true intentions - even he doesn't know them; his plot didn't work out and there's no way he can allow himself to admit that, even to himself. So no, his reconstruction-after-the-fact is no more accurate than yours. He's claiming that, had you taken his bait and leapt back into his arms / bed / heart, he'd have held you patiently and explained that he just wanted to be friends, and that he loved you but not "in that way"....? Gimme a break! Even if it HADN'T been on his agenda, you can be damned sure he'd have shifted gear and put it on the agenda! Sure he's being friendly. People seldom shag people they're not at least friendly with, surely?
Author jj33 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 So true. No we didnt get to what it would have meant if I had taken the bait, just that I have somehow misread his intentions. The past attempts to rekindle are brushed off as so much water under the bridge aka boys will be boys.
MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 This is the kind of thing that pisses me off about MM like this. You know what your gut told you and when confronted with it, he tries to make you think you "misread" things and not trust yourself. We do outselves a great disservice when we allow that notion to get to us. Anyway, don't get down on yourself for reading something that wasn't there, if in fact that's what you did. Things can only get better from here with NC.
Author jj33 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Thanks I mean if someone keeps persisting for so long denying then coming back and saying please reconsider... again and again, I think its not unreasonable for me to think that they still feel that way a few months later. I suppose it is a face saving exercise on his part. But its not right. If I could be honest enough to explain why I needed things to change (minimal contact) the least he could do is own up to his role in the whole thing, not act like I was the cashier at 7/11 reading into the way he flirted with me at the register. And his idea of NC seems to be contacting me when he has an excuse, coming up to me at business things when we could easily not speak to each other and then I have to be polite for at least a few minutes.... But I cant say anything more at this point. I cant make a scene in public all i can do is excuse myself. And I cant alienate his company any further by complaining about the little bit of contact we do have I'd sound like I was 6 - Dad hes looking at me... .
wildsoul Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 He's claiming that, had you taken his bait and leapt back into his arms / bed / heart, he'd have held you patiently and explained that he just wanted to be friends, and that he loved you but not "in that way"....? Gimme a break! Even if it HADN'T been on his agenda, you can be damned sure he'd have shifted gear and put it on the agenda! Wise words! Agreed, and want to remind you that blurriness is PART of the whole cake-eating dynamic. It's certainly NOT a case of you entirely misreading or projecting. There's probably an amount of vagueness due to him wanting to keep the option open. Not really a total yes to you, but not an absolute no, either. More to the point is your pain over feeling stupid/ashamed/embarrassed or whatever it is that's going on right now. Remember, you just took steps to let go of the relationship at an even bigger level. Stuff is going to come up. Process it. Learn from it. But don't get completely obsessed with each bit of flotsom that surfaces. Make sense? Ride out the feelings. It's part of the withdrawal process. Don't over-analyze. FEEL.
Author jj33 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Hes not allowing the NC to really work as he is contacting me for all sorts of business reasons when I had hoped those communications would come from his partners. And if I say something again I will look like a problem... So I got what a week? not even and when I reinforced it, i got more communication rather than less. I guess I am going to just have to toughen up again. Its really maddening. I really needed more of a break than a week.
MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 And his idea of NC seems to be contacting me when he has an excuse, coming up to me at business things when we could easily not speak to each other and then I have to be polite for at least a few minutes.... But I cant say anything more at this point. I cant make a scene in public all i can do is excuse myself. And I cant alienate his company any further by complaining about the little bit of contact we do have I'd sound like I was 6 - Dad hes looking at me... . Again, you not insane here, you know what your gut tells you. He's just being a jerk, feeling you out to see if you still want him (which serves as either an ego boost or to see if you want to resume the A). The fact that he continually ignores the NC decision is disrespectful and makes him an even bigger jerk. If you can, don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he got to you. Is he "over" you (supervisory) at work, or can you dodge him entirely? If he is not, can you just kindly be "busy" whenever he wants something. And if he is, can you remind him of federal sexual harrassment laws? Just a thought.
jwi71 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 JJ33, Whats going on? What is he telling you now after you most recent actions (the revelation). What is he doing (besides what has been previously posted in your earlier threads)? Where is this doubt and second guessing coming from? I get the impression that you've been struggling for a bit with this...
sugarmomma Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 What he is doing is keeping the door "cracked" just in case he catches you lonely and horny and vulnerable. If he cared for you in a real way he would come back with divorce papers IN HAND! I had one like this and he kept at it for about a year. He finally broke and asked me to meet him again and I told him to "put an egg in his shoe and Beat It" Its all a part of the game. Don't buy into conversation (its only words), buy into actions. So much more relaible!!
Author jj33 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 You are exactly right Sugar and at this point unless he has divorce papers in hand and a major change of attitude, nothing he has to say to me is of any interest.
LaGazelle Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 You are exactly right Sugar and at this point unless he has divorce papers in hand and a major change of attitude, nothing he has to say to me is of any interest. Very good point. I think with men generally, MM, AP or whatever, the best indicators to bridge the gap between our "Mars and Venus" speak are their actions.
Author jj33 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Thanks Gazelle. I think the change of attitude is particularly important. If someone leaves one relationship and begins another without a change of attitude or a willingness to explore new relationships styles, history is destined to repeat itself.
Owl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I'm curious, JJ. After all of this...if he DID show up "divorce papers in hand"...would you pursue a relationship with him?
Author jj33 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Im curious too Owl but doubt we will ever have to cross that bridge. There is so much that would need to be unraveled and so much that would need to change in terms of his attitude. there was so much that I excused and so much that I wrote off to the "difficulty" of his situation. If he came forward in a way that showed that he understood that the relationship would need to start anew, that certain attitudes would have to change etc yes I would. But there are a lot of hurdles. The thing is I still believe he does really love me. A lot of what has transpired since it ended has been very unhealthy on both our parts. I have not always been pleased with my own behavior, and have as you know been displeased with his actions. But given the difficulties I think overall we have fared alot better than we might have. We have retained a fundamental respect and care for each other, which is amazing given everything that has gone on. The problem as you predicted is that by continuing contact we never broke the old bond but there was nowhere for it to go for the past few years and we each dealt with it in a way that hurt each other at times. In that way its not unlike other long relationships. If he ever left, and I think that is highly unlikely, he would have to demonstrate to me that I really was "the one", as opposed to striding in with a flourish as if to say here you are, I am finally free isnt life grand, which is perfectly possible given his make up. I made the fatal mistake of treating him like he was "the prize" and twisting my life to fit his when we were together and although we have been apart for a long time, that is the dynamic he may well expect. I would not go rushing into his arms saying oh goodee you're mine now... we would have a lot of work to do. He couldnt roll up with his little toothbrush and say Im here lets continue where we left off. But as I say I think the odds of that happening are next to none. Its been a few years since the PA ended and many many years since his marriage died. If he hasnt been motivated to leave yet, whens he going to leave? When hes 80? Unlikely. The thing is he has a lot of freedom where he is now (in the marriage) and on some level I think he likes that. Its what he knows. Living somewhat separate lives is has a certain emotional distance to it that he wouldnt have if he pursued a relationship with me. I have to believe the status quo is what he wants. Otherwise he would leave.
Spark1111 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 But JJ, what I think I am hearing from you is that you have not opened your heart to anyone else! There is no other relationship in your life, no suitor, no prospects, no companionship. So whether you have minimal contact, no contact, you are still living as if you could be exclusively with him, because there is no other man. Is this correct? Have you dated anyone since the affair broke up? Do you want to? To live on a shelf, is IMHO, no way to live. Do you agree?
Author jj33 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Spark I wish others had wanted to ask me out. There have been various people in whom I have been interested, but they have not been interested in me. I am not a young woman there are not hoards of men hovering around me. I am open to dating whoever comes along but they dont come along that often. I dont see a future with him, I dont think he will ever leave. I would like to think that i could meet someone else but I think I have to accept that it might not happen. Thats not pessimistic but it hasnt happened until now and so at this age I have to accept that it may not be on the cards for me. I dont like to think that, but it wouldnt have anything to do with him, I have to account for all the years before I met him too. For whatever reason, its very possible i am going to end up alone. That is not a statement about my feelings for him its just about the way things seem to have gone for me.
Author jj33 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Quite honestly my life is plagued by financial worries, fear for my future and dread at having to deal with him to the extent that I do and fighting off anxiety and depression. Superficially my life is very glamourous but that is just superficial. Its very lonely and lately very scary and overwhelming. So while I agree its not great to live on a shelf my life is what it is. I have turned my life around in miraculous ways but its still not what i would like it to be. And its all these things that led me to get involved with him in the first place. Its been years since I was asked out. years since I met anyone who I really clicked with and yes I did the internet dating thing etc etc etc. And at a certain point I thought well maybe this wouldnt be the worst thing in the world at least I knew we had real feelings for each other and his W wasnt going to be hurt by our relationship. But as it turns out it didnt work for me. Its all rather pathetic and embarrassing.
Spark1111 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Envision the life you wish to have and make time to start creating it. Volunteer? Through church? Organizations? Do you have artistic hobbies, or maybe want to take a class and learn something completely new? Make time to grow and learn. Meet new people. Please do not let it all be about the work rut. He is apart of that. Do not get stuck in that limbo land. Whether you meet someone special or not, and I understand that, you can meet new people, new friends and have options. One thing my husband's affair taught me was that I too did for everyone else; spouse, children, parents, work. There was no longer a me in there, in the sense that I had NO FUN, and my life was totally being defined by my responsibilities, not my personality. Make room for fun, and new experiences, please.
Author jj33 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Spark I appreciate your concern. I run my own business and it takes up a great deal of my time and that has nothing to do with him. I have all sorts of experiences all the time I travel exensively go to all sorts of interesting social gatherings, I have ample opportunity to meet people. It just doesnt seem to happen. People meet people in all sorts of situations some mundane some unusual. Its not as if I am sitting home all the time. At this point I feel like if its fated I will meet someone, if not I wont. Im juggling so many balls at the moment there is nothing more I can do.
jasminetea Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Look, I know this is a huge cliche, but when the time is right for you, you will meet someone. Right now and for the past couple of years you've been hung up with a man. Even when your relationship with him was over, you were still caught up in your feelings for him (not surprisingly!) and that's only very recently started changing. Its really no wonder that the guys you may have been interested in haven't reciprocated, they've picked up the 'vibes'. When you are really over, not necessarily him, but the feelings you had for him, and really ready to move on emotionally, it'll happen.
Recommended Posts