LoveAddict420 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Hello all. I have a problem, and I'm hoping to gather opinions on a very confusing subject. All input is appreciated. My boyfriend and I have been together for just shy of 10 months. We've had what seems to be a very happy relationship so far, despite the way ppl were so doubtful it would work (bc i'm 21 and he's 31). People always said he'd leave me for a younger, prettier woman. it seems, now, that maybe this is that time. it makes me sad. We shall start with a little background. A) my boyfriend has this sort of, "save-the-world" complex, where he feels the need to fix everything in everyone's life, even if it has nothing to do with him. B) other said woman (we shall give her the name Kate, this is not her real name) is 17, going on 18, and works for the same company, but different resturant than my boyfriend. They have only known eachother a couple years, it's not like they're childhood friends. C) one morning, my drawing class at school was cancelled, so i decideded to go to my boyfriend's house for a little visit, only to find a topless, pregnant woman, "Kate" wrapped around him in bed. I slammed the door and raced out to my car, only to discover nothing had happened, he was still fully clothed and his clothes were damp from sleeping in them all night. so he definitely didnt cheat, and he told me she was having problems at home, she fell asleep crying on his shoulder, etc etc. i forgave him. now, the real problem starts. you see, Kate is psycotic. she's obsessed with my boyfriend. she's stalked him. She's egged my car while i was visiting my bf (i assume out of jealousy), she's been diagnosed with severe bipolar and schizophrenia, she's only got about 10 years left to live based on some medical problems, her "sperm donor" boyfriend, we shall call him "Rob" wanted her to get an abortion but she waited till it was too late, now she's realized she's going to be 18 and a mother, and she's freaking out. both her mother and "Rob" are alcoholics, and "rob" was never actually her bf, just a one night stand. Seeing the mess dear Kate is in, my boyfriend tries to save the day. in the process he finds that he cares very much for her, her safety, and the baby's well-being. in a sense, he takes on a husbandly, fatherly role, without actually "being with" kate. This week was the inevitable delivery- a complicated one, at that. The doctor let kate choose three ppl to be in the delivery room at the hospital. she chose her mom, sister, and my bf. she told "rob" and his mother to get lost, bc my boyfriend had been a better father to this baby than he had, etc. rob and his mother and all of kate's family are ticked off bc of this remark....(this pregnancy is complicated, and my bf is still there, after 3 days at the hospital...through seizures, blood pressure problems, etc. my boyfriend missed two days of work ....when even calling off one could cost him his job...for this girl.....) He barely talked to me at all during this time... 4 entire texts, all about her. no phone calls, and he forgot to mention the fact that she stayed the night at his house earlier this week.... found out from his housemate....he slept at the hospital instead of going home the last few days. finally when the baby was born i went to meet him at his house, he barely said two words to me, seems all pissed off that im so concerned about what he's doing. got mad bc i let him sleep too late today, made him late for going back to the hospital to visit kate and the baby again. he hasn't told me he loves me in about a month. he never says sweet things to me anymore. last night he wouldnt even cuddle with me anymore. have i been replaced by kate? should i stick around and see what happens when I come back from vacation next week, or try and figure things out before---would that be too early? maybe he just needs time to sort his life out. he said today on the way out the door that he's just really confused right now---but he did it to himself, right? help!
Adunaphel Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Hello, I feel for your situation and I hope you will not choose to stick around as if you were a third wheel. She is not a relative of his or a childhood friend. Most people would consider it cheating (or very short of cheating) if their SO let an opposite sex person fall asleep naked on them in their house. Many people would also be upset if their SO offered support or became a confident of someone of the opposite sex to the extent he did and consider it an emotional affair (or short of an emotional affair). Put the two things together, add in that part of the inappropriate behaviour took place in his house (his personal space) and, expecially, behind your back. You found out things on your own. Twice. Had you not talked to his housemate or got back home earlier on one occasion, he would not had offered the information. How many other times similar things happened? And he is either not realizing that all of this is very inappropriate or does not care. Do you *really* feel like accepting this and waiting for some sense to knock into him? Wouldn't it be better to just dump him? You might still take him back if he makes a 180, if you feel like it, but you won't be waiting for him while he pretends playing the good samaritaine.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I can tell from your post that a lot more went on between those your boyfriend and Kate than you are willing to admit to yourself. I would not be surprised to see a DNA test showing him to be the father. He has already ended your relationship. The only thing that is "confusing" to him now is how to let you know that it is over. I would walk... no, RUN in the other direction at this point. His 'knight in shining armor' complex (and possible paternity) will keep him glued to this girl Kate for the rest of her life.
MistyK Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Yeah, I don't buy the "nothing happened". Me personally - if my boyfriend fell asleep next to a naked woman, I wouldn't care if they techincally slept together because it's still a huge crossing of an obvious fidelity line. He's clearly made her his priority. It sounds like he really enjoys the drama that comes with Kate. Some men are like that, they need to feel like a hero to feel ok with themselves. So whether or not he has feelings for Kate is really irrelevent - she's learned that being a drama queen gets his attention, so it will continue, and he will continue to try to rescue her. So you have two options, be an even bigger drama queen so he comes to your rescue, or leave him in the dust. I think option 1 will destroy you and he's totally not worth it.
wildsoul Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 So you have two options, be an even bigger drama queen so he comes to your rescue, or leave him in the dust. I think option 1 will destroy you and he's totally not worth it. That sounds ridiculous, but MistyK just wrote out the unconscious choice many people actually make. Her outcome assessment is spot-on, too. Your situation seems better suited for the infidelity section, IF what you are saying is true: that your BF was with you first (not her) and you and him weren't broken up at the time of his getting involved with her. You're only the OW if you two are broken up because he's chosen her, and you continue to try getting him back. Ugh. Do you really want him that badly? At 21, the world is your oyster! It seems so much better for you to chalk this one up as game-over and explore your better options!
sadintexas Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 10 month relationship, 21 years old, drama, confusion, lying, betrayal...not worth it. Move on. I believe he already has.
sugarmomma Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 OMG!! He is running worund with teenagers and dhe is 31? Please get away from this guy and figure out why you're attracted to a person like this. He treats you horribly and you should never "stick around" since he loses more and more respect for you. Besides, he is TOO OLD for YOU!!! Cut your losses and kick his ass to the CURB!!!
angie2443 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 OMG!! He is running worund with teenagers and dhe is 31? Please get away from this guy and figure out why you're attracted to a person like this. He treats you horribly and you should never "stick around" since he loses more and more respect for you. Besides, he is TOO OLD for YOU!!! Cut your losses and kick his ass to the CURB!!! This is exactly what I think. The man sounds kind of perverted. Be glad you are not stuck with him.
Author LoveAddict420 Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 its just hard. i've heard "i love you, you're the most important woman in my life, i would never let kate come between us"for the last two months now. also, he's definitely not the father, for all of you skeptics. rob is....paternity proven.... the baby looks just like him, too, spitting image....and nothing like my boyfriend. not that he would have had time to cheat during the time she got pregnant. we were only in the first two months of our relationship, and saw eachother nearly every day. maybe ive highlighted a lot of his bad points, but this is because i am terribly upset. i see him tomorrow and i have no idea what i am going to do/say. He does have good points. we've lasted this long for a reason. its just that right now, she's important in his life. i just want to get him to see what he is doing, why this is so wrong. i want my boyfriend back. he's got his heart in the right place but his priorities all effed up. i just cant believe this is all happening. im so lost. i haven't been depressed in this way in such a long time. he makes me so happy most of the time and i just wonder if there's a way he and i can talk this all out. i just dont know where to start.
Adunaphel Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 its just hard. i've heard "i love you, you're the most important woman in my life, i would never let kate come between us"for the last two months now. They are all very nice words, but Kate spending time with him behind your back, him playing husband with kate and kate falling asleep half naked on him, in his bed, do not quite back up his words. He does have good points. we've lasted this long for a reason. its just that right now, she's important in his life. He doesn't!!!!! The reason why you lasted so long is that you had no idea he might end up acting like this! If he feels entitled to act this way (and lie, and hide things, and treat you so poorly) after 10 months, what will your life be like if you get married? She is way too important in his life, while *you* should be the important one in his life! Why on earth she is so important, by the way? Why did he allow her to enter in his life to that extent? What has he been hiding from you? The situation is just so inappropriate and....well, yucky. as the other posters said. i just want to get him to see what he is doing, why this is so wrong. i want my boyfriend back. he's got his heart in the right place but his priorities all effed up. It is fine to try, but please, please, please do not just stick around hoping he will change. He either wakes up or smells the coffee now, or he won't at all. Even if he truly sees nothing wrong in the situation(which I do not buy for a second), seeing you upset and hurt should have suffice to make him rethink the situation very hard. But he didn't. He is just trying to manipulate you and gaslight you. BTW, the "he'd leave me for a younger, prettier woman" is not a normal comment to make about someone when the only problem is an age gap. This is not the average comment you make about 31 years old dating 21 years old. Try to dig deeper into this. Do people who made the comment know him? He could have an history of getting into inappropriate situations. He probably has an history of meddling with teenagers, possibly when in relationship. Get to ask people about your bf, for your own safety. i just cant believe this is all happening. im so lost. i haven't been depressed in this way in such a long time. he makes me so happy most of the time and i just wonder if there's a way he and i can talk this all out. i just dont know where to start. Start from an external point of view - imagine that it was not you but someone else. What does the situation look like from the outside? Good samaritains and knights in shining armor are hard to deal with...but he does not just have a good samaritain complex - he is a liar and a cheater. Since you posted this on the OW's forum... even if you truly were an OW and not the GF, you'd still be getting too little from him. Meaning, even if you were just an OW (which I remind you, you are not!), he'd still be neglecting you, lying to you, hiding things from you, dismissing your feelings and treating you poorly. Dump him if you can. It is only a matter of time before things will blow up anyway, the more you stay with him, the more time you are wasting, take this from someone who wasted a couple of years hoping that someone "just saw the light" and changed some inappropriate behaviours.
kuma Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 its just hard. i've heard "i love you, you're the most important woman in my life, i would never let kate come between us"for the last two months now. its just that right now, she's important in his life. Why would you stay someone who disrespects you? You're in an unhealthy relationship. There are so many men out there. Dump him. Don't be afraid of being alone!
angie2443 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Are you not bothered that a 31 year old man is hanging out with a 17 year old? To me this is a huge red flag that something is wrong with this guy and you don't seem to notice it.
fooled once Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 10 months is NOT a long time; but I guess it is in the life of a 21 year old. You are way too young for all this drama. He lies He disrespects you. He is at the very least EMOTIONALLY cheating on you. Those are HUGE bad qualities in a person. Again -- you are 21. You haven't even begun to be the person you are going to be. You will do the vast majority of changing in your 20's. He is 31 -- he has already done his changing and is ready for his 2nd phase of life. He will eventually (probably) find someone else who is more close to his age, his maturity level. Find someone else your age - someone who you can enjoy life with instead of this lying loser.
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