Author broken hearted Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Lupa, I keep telling myself the same damn thing day in and day out but my heart just won't go along with it! It's my damn heart that's causing all the problems right now! Every other part of me wants nothing to do with this monster that I am still married to but my heart won't let go of the wonderful man I have loved for so long! Tonight, however, I am feeling as though I really would like things to work out but I can't figure out if it's more bc he's comfort to me and all I've ever known and I am scared of the unknown ahead or if I want it to work bc I think it stands a chance at a better marriage ahead..........some days I want to jump ship and other days I'm clinging to the life jacket!
Author broken hearted Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Why the f*** can't these people see the terrible pain and heartache that they are putting us through? How can you love someone so much to marry them and vow to spend the rest of your life with them and then treat them with such disrespect and throw them away like an old chewed up piece of gum that has no more flavor? I am having an angry, pissy night.....sorry guys! My husband was better at having a mature adult relationship with me when he was 16 years old than he is now at 27! I can't even believe how immature some of the things are that come out of his mouth, or how immature so many of his actions are!!!!!!! HE'S DEAD, HE'S GONE! ANYONE OUT THERE LOOKING FOR A SINGLE MOTHER OF 2? 27 YEARS OLD.....DIVORCED, CHEATED ON? He will kick himself in the a** someday when he looks back and realizes what he's missing! I am attractive, love to play and watch sports, simple girl, wonderful mother, devoted wife!! HIS LOSS IS SOMEONE ELSES GAIN!!!
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Lupa, I keep telling myself the same damn thing day in and day out but my heart just won't go along with it! It's my damn heart that's causing all the problems right now! Every other part of me wants nothing to do with this monster that I am still married to but my heart won't let go of the wonderful man I have loved for so long! Tonight, however, I am feeling as though I really would like things to work out but I can't figure out if it's more bc he's comfort to me and all I've ever known and I am scared of the unknown ahead or if I want it to work bc I think it stands a chance at a better marriage ahead..........some days I want to jump ship and other days I'm clinging to the life jacket! It's probably both. Even if he dosen't, you see the flaws and the fixes, you see how it could be better and want to make it so. It is also hard to leave a life you are acustomed to, to go it alone and try and make it, especially as a single mother of two young children. Let him decide If he can be the man you need him to be, the father, the husband that you deserve. Thats the only thing that matters, anything less will be giving up too much of yourself. TOJAZ
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Why the f*** can't these people see the terrible pain and heartache that they are putting us through? How can you love someone so much to marry them and vow to spend the rest of your life with them and then treat them with such disrespect and throw them away like an old chewed up piece of gum that has no more flavor? I am having an angry, pissy night.....sorry guys! My husband was better at having a mature adult relationship with me when he was 16 years old than he is now at 27! I can't even believe how immature some of the things are that come out of his mouth, or how immature so many of his actions are!!!!!!! HE'S DEAD, HE'S GONE! ANYONE OUT THERE LOOKING FOR A SINGLE MOTHER OF 2? 27 YEARS OLD.....DIVORCED, CHEATED ON? He will kick himself in the a** someday when he looks back and realizes what he's missing! I am attractive, love to play and watch sports, simple girl, wonderful mother, devoted wife!! HIS LOSS IS SOMEONE ELSES GAIN!!! :bunny: In 6 days i plan to start making myself available to women with good hearts and caring nature such as yourself! I also love kids! Whats your sign?LOL :bunny: Tojaz
Author broken hearted Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 He's a fool Tozaj, belive me, he won't find a more loving devoted wife...especially one who likes to watch and play sports with him!!!!
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 He's a fool Tozaj, belive me, he won't find a more loving devoted wife...especially one who likes to watch and play sports with him!!!! :confused: :love:SEE MY LAST POST, Quick!! Ever been to Indiana? LOL
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Haha, I'm a cancer! Me too, I don't know if thats good or bad. What kind of sports do you like. (LisaUK is going to be soooo jealous, sorry lisa, OINK)
Author broken hearted Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 I love all sports really but I really love to play softball or baseball, soccer, and basketball!!!
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 No football huh, I love watching all those, especially soccer, but could never play them myself, just not built right.
lupa Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 EDIT: there was a whole sports conversation that went on before I could post this...lol...it looks ridiculous here. Meh, whatever. ----- I, for one, am scared of the unknown. Not like I'm scared of the world, but I'm scared of leaving this particular path, which was warm, comforting, known, and predictable. I was getting to know it, and appreciate things about it. I have a feeling you are the same. it isn't the comfort that you miss, it is that the path you now have to take is entirely dark. No light gets in, and from where you are standing no light is getting out. It is the abyss that terrifies us, like staring into the gaping mouth of a cold, dark cave. The worst part is that everyone tells you that the cave isn't scary, go on in, it will be fine; we think we are leaving a warm, sunny field, with rippling wheat and a single, nice big tree to sit under and watch the clouds. What we don't realize is that world is crumbling apart, right under our very feet, and we're holding on to an illusion. The world we are in is gray, the field is a wasteland of boulders, and just over that hill the land is falling away into a vast, lifeless plain. But we can't see it. We've latched our minds onto the vestiges of this long-gone glorious day. Our world is disintegrating, or already has, and the only exit is a staggeringly black void that we have to walk through. Were we able to see the desert of the real, we would gladly step into the gaping mouth and feel our way forward. I feel like I keep taking a step into it, and then when the cool, damp air hits my skin, I jump back and cling to the warm memory. We have to be willing to accept this next journey, because the place we are in will just kill us in the end anyway. I wish we were able, all of us, to walk this path together, and in a way we can lend each other love and support. The reality is, though, the decision is unto each of us, the path is our own. I think we will be able to venture deeper each day, and maybe we will stop running back out for the illusion. Tomorrow is another chance to try.
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 EDIT: there was a whole sports conversation that went on before I could post this...lol...it looks ridiculous here. Meh, whatever. ----- I, for one, am scared of the unknown. Not like I'm scared of the world, but I'm scared of leaving this particular path, which was warm, comforting, known, and predictable. I was getting to know it, and appreciate things about it. I have a feeling you are the same. it isn't the comfort that you miss, it is that the path you now have to take is entirely dark. No light gets in, and from where you are standing no light is getting out. It is the abyss that terrifies us, like staring into the gaping mouth of a cold, dark cave. The worst part is that everyone tells you that the cave isn't scary, go on in, it will be fine; we think we are leaving a warm, sunny field, with rippling wheat and a single, nice big tree to sit under and watch the clouds. What we don't realize is that world is crumbling apart, right under our very feet, and we're holding on to an illusion. The world we are in is gray, the field is a wasteland of boulders, and just over that hill the land is falling away into a vast, lifeless plain. But we can't see it. We've latched our minds onto the vestiges of this long-gone glorious day. Our world is disintegrating, or already has, and the only exit is a staggeringly black void that we have to walk through. Were we able to see the desert of the real, we would gladly step into the gaping mouth and feel our way forward. I feel like I keep taking a step into it, and then when the cool, damp air hits my skin, I jump back and cling to the warm memory. We have to be willing to accept this next journey, because the place we are in will just kill us in the end anyway. I wish we were able, all of us, to walk this path together, and in a way we can lend each other love and support. The reality is, though, the decision is unto each of us, the path is our own. I think we will be able to venture deeper each day, and maybe we will stop running back out for the illusion. Tomorrow is another chance to try. First off Lupa, back off! I saw her first! Seriously, I get what your saying, and without digging to deep into what we are all going through, most of the great things in life require a leap of faith, a venture into the unknown. We are all standing at the doorway looking into blackness. Anything can be waiting including new love, or reconcilliation. The fact is, you'll never find out until you step inside and take the ride. You've got it man, just take that step and don't look back. TOJAZ
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Way to go capt. bringdown, you scared her off! Sorry, been drinking a bit and in a playful mood i guess. hang in there guys, Broken, he is absolutely a fool, i cannot think of a better term to relate the story you have shared. Just do what is best for you and your kids right now. If he wants to be a part of that, it is up to him to make that happen and up to you to decide if he is welcome. After what he has done to you, he is at your mercy. Tojaz
Author broken hearted Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 LIFE CANNOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE FOR ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I have no where to go and nowhere to turn to! I have friends and they'll be there for me when I call but I haven't called yet. My mother woke me up at 4 this morning to tell me that she had just gotten a call and my brother had shot himself...HE'S GONE!!! I cannot physically take this pain, any of it!! Of course, the first person I called was my husband! He came over to my parent's house to be with me bc I asked him to! I asked him why he came and he said, "bc it's the right thing to do." WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!?!? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ANY OF THIS SH*T THAT IS BEING THROWN MY WAY RIGHT NOW!!
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 BROKEN, I am so sorry for your loss. You've read my thread I believe and you know about how I lost Allie during this time. I was very fragile for quite awhile. Please take care of yourself as best you can. As for the H, my wife tried to be supportive and do the right thing. That proved impossible for her and just wounded me deeper when she prooved that. Make sure having him there is what you want and it will not do you more damage in the long run although I hope he is sincere. If you need to talk to someone who has dealt with something like this, shoot me a PM. I'll check back often today. My prayers are with you and your family. TOJAZ
Author broken hearted Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Why the hell is everybody in my life so selfish right now? Why isn't anyone thinking about how much their actions are going to hurt someone else and affect their lives FOREVER!???!!! I know this should be the furthest thing from my mind right now but...where the hell is my husband, I need support through this!! He's here but he's still in a different world. His uncle committed suicide when he was about 12, maybe it's just bringing up some painful memories!!! I NEED HIM RIGHT NOW, I REALLY REALLY NEED HIM IN MY LIFE!!! THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR A DIVORCE!!! I NEED HIM TO TRY AND WORK THIS OUT WITH ME! NEED!!!!
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 If he dosen't see that, then just leave him be. You grieving the loss of your brother is more important right now. This is a moment where your husband will choose who he is going to be, the kind of man he is going to be. If he cannot help you through this, lean on those who will. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Oh, Broken, I do not know what to say, I'm so very sorry for your loss. there are just no words. Lean on those who love you, those who have and always will be there for you. Call your friends, be with your parents. Thinking of you.
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Broken, I don't know if you do the horoscope thing, but me and Lisa have been trading them for awhile. I liked this one and since we are the same sign, I figured I'd pass it along to you. Do you ache? Are you in pain? Is there something within you that feels stifled and streched all at the same time? Are you being wrestled into a half nelson? Is your arm being twisted behind your back? Is the universe being a bully towards you? Ok. Enough difficult questions. Here are some reassuring answers. You will soon experience a distict ligthening of your mood-and a clear improvement in your physical situation. Sometimes we have to go through a struggle before we can feel that we have fully earned a reward. Your toughist times are behind you. A series of easier, sweeter days lie ahead. It dosen't seem like it, but it gets easier with time. Take one crisis at a time, push the D to the back for awhile and be with your family. My heart goes out to you Broken, be strong. TOJAZ
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Broken, I just found this link in my bookmarks. It was sent to me after Allie passed by a dear friend. Some of the articles helped me to understand what it was i was going through. Just figured i'd pass it along. http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm Hope you are doing as well as can be expected. TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Sorry for your loss and troubles. I truly mean that. Going through a separation/divorce is hard enough? But then this,....................... It seems as though the 'storms of life' just keep rolling in over you one right after another. I had a older friend who had been through a hard life, lost his wife of many years to cancer. He had a way of saying something, no matter what happened that always made me calm down and its was: "It'll be alright!" Years later, I found an Ann Landers column with a famous oftentimes quote of hers. I typed it out, printed it, laminated it and carry it in my wallet. Whenever I get to spa-zing about something, I pull it out and read it? Call it my 'stress card'? It says: "Expect trouble to be as an inevitable part of Life and repeat to yourself over and over the most comforting words of all: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS!"
hopesndreams Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 BH {{{{hug}}}} I am so sorry to hear about your brother. This is such a hard thing for you to have happen and there would be no way for you to understand it. I pray that you have the strength to get through this tragedy. Blessings to you and your family.
delajoonal Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 ahh Gunny...those words are imbedded in my brain forever....lol my grandmother AND my mother would say those words to me my whole life! when my H first left, my best friend said these very words to me.. i told her to shut up!..LOL for some reason, THEY just didn't fly with me at that time...my separation was/IS too huge TOO painful...so i was irritated to have my broken heart shoved under the rug with those words.... but in essence...THEY ARE VERY TRUE...EVERYTHING changes, EVERYTHING passes...
Gunny376 Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 Its strange in that those things that would rattle your average person? Don't/didn't bother me? I didn't have any problem with being shot at? (Not that I wasn't scared for my live ~ just the adrenaline always took over, and then soon 'action' took over ~ ("Move dammit! Get your @zz to moving! You stay here your going to die! Do something! Either s*** or go blind! But dammit DO SOMETHING!) All these thoughts went rushing through my brain housing group within a nano-second! They were all compressed thoughts and emotions, and now years upon years after the fact? They all come a haunting. They're becoming uncompressed thoughts! Now that I'm retired and out of the Corps! The reason I post this? There's always going to be someone richer, smarter, better looking than you! Just as there's always going to be someone poorer, dumber, and uglier than you! As bad as I've had it in my life (or at least seemingly so?) There's always going to be someone who's got it worse than you! And that's not just me spouting BS! That's a fact! The fact of the matter is? Most of us have it worse than some, but better than most! Count your blessings and not your troubles! Look upon someone who has more troubles and worries? Not with pity, but with "But By the Grace of Almighty God! There go I!" Suicide? Yea, when I was going through the pains of what many are going through here? It crossed my mind in my despair! Suicide is BS! I can understand that its when the pain of living out weighs the pain of dying! At least in the individual's mind? But its still BS! But its BS! Plain and simple! The individual gets relief from their grief! But they've just burdened the ones that love them with dragging a dead horse and saddle around with them everywhere they go! For many? For the rest of their lives! delajoonal! Get yourself into a counselor ASAP! Your plate is already filled! And from your posts I can tell your a caring and loving person! And I can also tell your torn up over your Brother's death! I can also tell you about something called "Survivor's Grief" and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) ~ delayed emotions that come back to haunt you years and years later!
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