Kamille Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I've received advice and seen other posters receive advice warning against rebounds. Simply put, I just don't get it. Basically, some people feel that I might be my bf's rebound relationship. Seach as I may, I find no sign that make me believe I have anything to worry about. I've been in one relationship where I was clearly on the rebound. The guy I was seeing knew it and didn't mind giving me emotional support as I sorted myself out after a bad break up. My FWB and I both felt very comfortable in a very casual relationship and it ended on amicable terms. See, I knew I was rebounding - so I don't understand how someone could NOT know they are on the rebound. I was a complete emotional mess. So... What are rebounds? Is it possible for the rebounding partner not to be aware they're on the rebound? What's so dangerous about them? And also, what are some signs that your partner might be on the rebound? What are your experience with rebounds? Either as the reboundee or the rebounder. (I'll go add those to the new word thread )
Stockalone Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 The following should be taken with a grain of salt since I so far have been spared from being a reboundee or a rebounder (or at least I think I was. LOL). I think that people do know when they are rebounding. I knew if I was ready to date or not. When I had doubts, it meant I wasn't ready to date. But I also believe there are people who have some doubts but try to work on/overcome them while they are dating. That may work out or not, so they don't look at it as rebounding because it can work out. There was one woman I dated who was still in contact with her most recent ex and she talked about him too. I got the impression that she needed a distraction, something or someone to keep her from having to deal with being alone and/or hurt. Someone to stroke her ego, to reassure her that she was a great catch. I figured that she was not ready to date and that I could end up as her rebound if I kept dating her. But I am not really sure if she was really rebounding or if the impression I got simply stemmed from my own bias against staying in contact with an ex (regardless of the reason). What is the danger? The danger of becoming a reboundee, IMO, is that the rebounders aren't as picky as they usually would be in choosing a partner. The new partner is first and foremost a crutch, someone to help them through a tough time. Their new partners ability to provide that help/comfort is the main factor that makes them enter a relationship and other criteria are ignored or at least become less important for the moment. When that problem is solved and they no longer need a crutch, they take a closer, long-term look at their partner. Usually, the result of that closer look is that they feel that other needs aren't met and thus the rebound relationship ends. Signs for your partner being on the rebound: A lot of talk about the ex and/or too much contact with the ex. When they seem preoccupied with other issues and the relationship centers around very few topics and if there are hardly any commonalities. Hemming and hawing when it comes to where this relationship is going. The relationship seems and feels unbalanced, your needs aren't met, and you always have to take the back seat. In a nutshell, it's like all other new relationships. When something interferes with the progress of that new relationship, that is a red flag. All this talk about rebounds got me thinking. What did I do with a rebound when I played basketball? I either tried to score or passed the ball. Holding onto a rebound was not a good idea back then, I don't think it is now.
Kaizen Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 The person above made some very good points. Read the post. My view is simple. I am on the rebound. I just got out of a relationship where I had certain expectations of the woman. Let's say she did three things: she cooked for me, she kissed me a certain way, she picked me up from work. I need someone to do those things to/for me even though the woman is not there. I need to fill a void. Here comes the new girl. She does some things that make me happy but she doesn't kiss me that certain way. I am unhappy. I make her unhappy. We break up. Problem is I did not give myself enough time to: A) Get used to the single life again and forget the things I had taken for granted from my ex. B) No matter how perfect the new girl is, if I catch her while I am in limbo she will not be good enough because it will be too early in the relationship for her to act as my ex. HTH.
Sam Spade Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I think that the whole rebound concept makes no sense. Anyway, everybody has exes, and therefore everybody is "on the rebound". Whether or not long term needs are met is an issue that needs exploring in any relationship (as it could not possibly be apparent upfront). Conversely, lack of awareness will affect any relationship, rebound or no rebound...
sb129 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Hey Kamille- haven't had a chance to say congrats re: this new R. So....congrats! I met my H pretty soon after my last (disastrous) R ended, and a few of my friends may have thought that H was a "rebound" R. But actually, the previous BF was a rebound from the one before that. And its turned out OK- if things are working out well, why label them in a negative way?
CalHorn Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I think you pointed out the different in your OP Kamille. If you know you're dating an emotional mess, that's fine. If not, you're going to get hurt (unless like in your situation, it was clearly FWB) On a rebound, folks are a mess, they're not discriminating and just need to be in a relationship as they sort through their issues. The person on a rebound is recovering (right?). So, in essence, it's healthy for them. What's not healthy is being the person dating the rebounder (if you have long term expectations). If you go in with eyes open, you are protecting yourself, but if not, c'est la vie. Not saying rebound relationships are bad per se and they might work out, but generally folks are talking about the odds for a "real" relationship as opposed to a FWB.
Trialbyfire Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Kamille, I don't think it matters what other people think about rebounds. You've chosen a course of action, fully knowing the implications, since as a longtime regular, it's no secret to you. Statistically, more rebound relationships fail, than work, which is why they get such a bad rap.
Author Kamille Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Thanks everyone for the replies. Stockalone, for someone who has no experience with rebounds, you sure sound wise in the ways of rebound. I guess what I get from it all is that reboundees end up providing emotional support for rebounders, whether or not the rebounder is aware of he is on the rebound. And, pretty much, the only way to asses if someone is on the rebound is to let things run their course. Because, yes, I have chosen a course of action, but I have to confess that lately, something feels off. I don't know if it's me, or him or the both of us. I usually end up having a crisis at the three month mark and I seem to be reproducing that pattern. Meanwhile he seems to be settling into our relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 And, pretty much, the only way to asses if someone is on the rebound is to let things run their course. Okay, I have to call you on this one, since it's not a genuine comment. No one is obligated to allow things to run their course, unless they want to remain in the relationship. Weigh it. Overall, you have a helluva' lot more tolerance for bad behaviours, than I do. I can't decide if that's been beneficial for you or not.
Author Kamille Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Overall, you have a helluva' lot more tolerance for bad behaviours, than I do. I can't decide if that's been beneficial for you or not. What are some example of behaviours I tolerate that you wouldn't? But okay, I choose to let this run its course. I've been having doubts for a couple of days and I can't figure out where they come from. I want to give myself some time to figure this one out before I make any drastic move that would only serve to induce drama. I think I process thing differently then you do - it takes me more time. And that is why I started this thread. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him, so I was wondering if there is anything to the rebound theory that I'm missing.
Star Gazer Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 K, something TBF just said struck a chord. You tolerate bad behavior, much more than you should. You do. And then you try to explain it away and justify it. The result seems to have been that relationships that weren't good for you take a lot longer to run their course, and you end up more hurt in the end. Promise yourself you won't let that happen this time. That said, rebounds suck. I'm not trying to trivialize how awesome you are, but when a person is fresh out of a long-term, temultuous relationship (like your BF is, let's admit this), anyone looks better than who they were just with. In that situation, the grass IS, in fact, greener. The things they longed for with their ex, all of a sudden exist with the new person. They excited about the opportunity, and latch on. Everything is perfect in their eyes, during those introductory moments... But it's not "real." It's want they so desperately want, but it's not what is. All the while, the person their dating, thinks that it IS real, and falls...hard. THAT's the danger.
Trialbyfire Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 What are some example of behaviours I tolerate that you wouldn't?Your previous b/f, with his lack of consideration for you. His addiction to alcohol and smoking inside, when he knew you were a non-smoker. Over PDA and a lack of respectful behaviour towards you, in general, like respecting your professional input and needs. Your current guy. At the beginning of this interaction, you kept him around for awhile, even though you knew he was mulling over going back to the ex. I'm glad you finally put your foot down on that silliness, in that you knew you wanted more, instead of the part measures he gave. When he came back to you, he still didn't come back to being all in. Again, a decision point where you and I would have handled it differently. That he's finally willing to commit to a relationship is, I think a good thing but took a lot of work and patience on your part. But okay, I choose to let this run its course. I've been having doubts for a couple of days and I can't figure out where they come from. I want to give myself some time to figure this one out before I make any drastic move that would only serve to induce drama. I think I process thing differently then you do - it takes me more time. And that is why I started this thread. He hasn't given me any reason to doubt him, so I was wondering if there is anything to the rebound theory that I'm missing.The timing of your doubts in relation to his now willingness to commit, is kind of suspect, no?
Star Gazer Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 The timing of your doubts in relation to his now willingness to commit, is kind of suspect, no? I suspect K is still drawn to emotionally unavailable men? Having felt that way in the past, I can relate.
BCCA Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I suspect K is still drawn to emotionally unavailable men? Having felt that way in the past, I can relate. I have several female friends like this. What exactly is the attraction, the challenge?
Star Gazer Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I have several female friends like this. What exactly is the attraction, the challenge? I'm an armchair shrink when it comes to this issue. I think that women who historically seek out unavailable men, or consistently find themselves attracted to men they know are unavailable (emotionally, legally [i.e., married], geographically, or in some other way) lacked a strong relationship with a father figure growing up. A distant connection to a man is all they know; so that's what they're attracted to. Like, seeks like.
Author Kamille Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 That said, rebounds suck. I'm not trying to trivialize how awesome you are, but when a person is fresh out of a long-term, temultuous relationship (like your BF is, let's admit this), anyone looks better than who they were just with. In that situation, the grass IS, in fact, greener. The things they longed for with their ex, all of a sudden exist with the new person. They excited about the opportunity, and latch on. Everything is perfect in their eyes, during those introductory moments... But it's not "real." It's want they so desperately want, but it's not what is. I guess that's my biggest fear right now... but yeah... that, for now, seems to be all in my head. So I wonder to what extent it has to do with my sigh commitment-phobia and tendency to go for unavailable men. I seriously don't understand why I do this. Wish I did, thought I did but here I go again. Your previous b/f, with his lack of consideration for you. His addiction to alcohol and smoking inside, when he knew you were a non-smoker. Over PDA and a lack of respectful behaviour towards you, in general, like respecting your professional input and needs. Yeah, that one I can definitely agree was very unhealthy. And yes, I put up with a lot of bad behaviours. To some extent I'm the one rebounding with the current guy because he never makes me feel pressured and always takes what I say into consideration. Your current guy. At the beginning of this interaction, you kept him around for awhile, even though you knew he was mulling over going back to the ex. I'm glad you finally put your foot down on that silliness, in that you knew you wanted more, instead of the part measures he gave. I didn't know his ex and him were still discussing a reconciliation for the sake of the children. When I found that out, I broke things off. And, yes, I'll admit I was happy to date him as a fling... especially considering that I am moving to Europe. When he came back to you, he still didn't come back to being all in. Actually he was, I was the one who suggested taking things slower. That he's finally willing to commit to a relationship is, I think a good thing but took a lot of work and patience on your part. No work or patience on my part at all. He had brought it up and kept bringing it up and I didn't feel ready until last week. The timing of your doubts in relation to his now willingness to commit, is kind of suspect, no? Well, yes. The timing of%2
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