Elizabeth48 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I recently (about two months ago) ended a long-term relationship of five years (I am 28). Around the same time, a platonic male friend was also ending HIS long-term relationship (he is a few years older than I am). We had always felt a certain attraction to each other, I think, and once we both found ourselves single, we acted on it. For the past three months or so, we have been spending a lot of time together. We have sex on a regular basis and see each other frequently, as well as emails, phone calls, etc. I have very strong feelings for him, and I think he does for me, too. He has said that it's too soon after his last breakup for him to be in another official relationship. I basically agree - I feel like I need some time to heal from the last one before taking on another boyfriend/ long-term - but at the same time, I really, really like him. I'm willing to wait it out and see if a relationship develops. We have talked and he has said he is open to that happening at some point when we are both ready. I'm happy with this answer, but I do wonder... am I being totally naive here? We are, kind of, in a 'relationship' already (something else he's acknowledged) - yet we are not officially boyfriend/ girlfriend. As I said, I'm okay with taking this at a slow pace, but not if I am just being strung along. After so many years out of the dating pool I'm really not sure if I should be worried about this situation. Is it throwing up any red flags for anyone? I don't think he would use me, but really, I have no idea how these things are supposed to work. Thanks for any opinions or experiences.
missdependant Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I recently (about two months ago) ended a long-term relationship of five years (I am 28). Around the same time, a platonic male friend was also ending HIS long-term relationship (he is a few years older than I am). We had always felt a certain attraction to each other, I think, and once we both found ourselves single, we acted on it. For the past three months or so, we have been spending a lot of time together. We have sex on a regular basis and see each other frequently, as well as emails, phone calls, etc. I have very strong feelings for him, and I think he does for me, too. He has said that it's too soon after his last breakup for him to be in another official relationship. I basically agree - I feel like I need some time to heal from the last one before taking on another boyfriend/ long-term - but at the same time, I really, really like him. I'm willing to wait it out and see if a relationship develops. We have talked and he has said he is open to that happening at some point when we are both ready. I'm happy with this answer, but I do wonder... am I being totally naive here? We are, kind of, in a 'relationship' already (something else he's acknowledged) - yet we are not officially boyfriend/ girlfriend. As I said, I'm okay with taking this at a slow pace, but not if I am just being strung along. After so many years out of the dating pool I'm really not sure if I should be worried about this situation. Is it throwing up any red flags for anyone? I don't think he would use me, but really, I have no idea how these things are supposed to work. Thanks for any opinions or experiences. Rebounds are a terrible, terrible idea on so many levels. Yes, this is a rebound relationship for both of you.. whether it's purely sexual, if there is emotion involved, whatever. Bad idea. I recommend being single, not having a man in your life for a while, and the guy probably needs to be single and not have a female in his life for a while.
Author Elizabeth48 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Thanks for your response. I guess I hadn't considered it a rebound because we knew each other so well (about three years) before we got involved romantically, so it felt/ feels deeper than that to me. I think we both were attracted to each other for a very long time, and we have talked about how meeting each other partially led us to realize our unhappiness in the existing relationships. But you bring up a good point: I'm not (nor is he) exactly in a rational position this soon after the break. Btw, I made a mistake up above and said it's been two months since the break-up and three months with the new guy. I was just guesstimating dates, they happened within weeks of each other, but they didn't overlap, I just wanted to point that out.
Trialbyfire Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 He has said that it's too soon after his last breakup for him to be in another official relationship.Elizabeth, believe what he says. You've now been together for a number of months, so if his feelings have changed, it would have changed by now. Committing to a relationship isn't really a big deal. If someone feels it's a big deal, look out. I say this from both sides of the fence, as someone who's been relationship-oriented and someone who wasn't ready for relationships.
Author Elizabeth48 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I kind of feel like committing to a relationship IS a big deal - that's my own recent breakup talking, I get what he's saying when he says he's not ready. I'm not really ready either. At the same time though, I like the idea of something developing between us, so what you said (if he was going to feel that, he would by now) is quite a valid point.
boogieboy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I kind of feel like committing to a relationship IS a big deal - that's my own recent breakup talking, I get what he's saying when he says he's not ready. I'm not really ready either. At the same time though, I like the idea of something developing between us, so what you said (if he was going to feel that, he would by now) is quite a valid point. Well you obviously want something more NOW, so if you have no problem with the idea of being a friend with benefits, keep it going. I truly dont think he will ever do the relationship thing with you, I think he is stringing you along, and you are buying every word of it. If I didnt have to call you a gf and still get the sex, I'd string you along too. I wonder if he is seeing another girl in between the time that you see him.
Author Elizabeth48 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I'm not trying to be argumentative, I really do appreciate the feedback, but... I don't think he would be seeing another girl. I know all of his friends (male and female), I've met his parents... we're basically IN a relationship except we don't call it that (which he has acknowledged). He's just afraid of the word and the committment, which I am a little, too. You might be quite right that he's stringing me along, and that was kind of my question, so I appreciate your POV. But I don't think it's malicious or that he's two-timing - I generally have a pretty good BS detector, and I really don't think he's doing that. I think he's having an argument with semantics. He really does like me, he calls me every day, he just... doesn't want to use the girlfriend word. Which is the part I don't get.
Jester268 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 He's looking at the situation differently than you. He's seeing it as you both are getting together, sharing some laughs, having some good times, and licking each others wounds ( a mutual rebound). I have a feeling that he is not going to want to change the status quo anytime soon. You need to understand what YOU want. If you're looking for something that is committed he isn't going to be able to offer it, and if you let yourself move to that next level (even if you two haven't verbally agreed to it) you need to realize that you are going there alone and he won't be following.
Jester268 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 doesn't want to use the girlfriend word. Which is the part I don't get. This is because he doesn't want a girlfriend he wants a FWB.
Author Elizabeth48 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I think you may be right, which bums me out, because while I'm okay with not being a girlfriend NOW, I'd like the chance to be one in the future. Do guys introduce FWB to their parents, do they call them all the time? That's a genuine question, I'm honestly wondering, I was thinking that if I was just a FWB it would be more of a 'just sex' sort of thing. Then again, I guess if that was the case they wouldn't call it 'friends.' He has said before that he swears I'm not just "someone to have fun with" and that he is open to what might happen, I just don't know if that's believable or not. Edited to add: one major catch in all of this is that I was planning on moving away within a few months. My break-up changed that plan, and now I'm unsure, but I do still want to move away eventually, and that's putting some extra pressure on us, I think, although I've made it clear to him that I'm not in any hurry to go (since I am not even sure where I would move to yet).
Jester268 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Look, don't let your current situation with this guy interfere with you living your life. Period. He's not going to be doing it either. Maybe he is open to something in the future, but who knows ? The fact of the matter is he has no clue what he wants because he's getting over his breakup just like you. I have a feeling that this is why missdependent is so against rebounds. What happens is you stay together until you're back to normal and then your relationship which was built on something completely different (your previous one ending and your need for validation and affection to cope) isn't the same type of relationship anymore...
Author Elizabeth48 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 This is really good advice. I'm just confused, because my feelings for him are pretty strong (years of friendship before all of this happened) and because frankly I have no clue what else to do. Part of me thinks I should just move now and forget the whole thing because if he isn't serious now, I'm just wasting time. The other part of me thinks I'm being unnecessarily dramatic and I shouldn't rush things and should just chill for a few months and see what, if anything, happens.
Jester268 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 if he isn't serious now, I'm just wasting time I don't understand how you're wasting time. Are you looking for a serious relationship ? Is that really what you want after you just got out of one ? If that's true, then yeah I guess you are wasting time. But if you're uncertain that you even want a serious relationship right now you're really not wasting time because you're not exactly missing out on all the serious relationships you don't want. You should take some time to think and chill about the situation not to "see what develops" and build on this hope/fantasy that you and him could start a committed indepth relationship, but to truly assess your situation and yourself and find out what YOU really want. Don't look for a relationship right now just look for yourself. I'm not saying it's truly impossible for you two to not have this committed relationship you want sometime down the road. I'm just saying it isn't going to happen until BOTH parties are ready, and given that you both are recovering from breakups neither of you are ready.
Author Elizabeth48 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I know, I'm being a little contradictory. I guess what I mean to say is that I'm scared to have a major committed relationship, but I have strong enough feelings for this guy where I'd be willing/ happy to try at least being exclusive with him. I lived with my ex. I'm not ready to live with this guy, but I would like to be his girlfriend. I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I want a committed relationship in the sense of "I wish you would call me your girlfriend." But not in the sense of "Let's get engaged and move in together" like it was with my ex. So, it's like I'm ready for a "lesser level" of committment, but he isn't willing to really have any. That's why I am afraid I'm wasting time. I feel like if I was more than FWB or a temporary comfort to him, he wouldn't be so afraid of the girlfriend word.
Jester268 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Is the problem that you suspect him of being with or potentially being with other women ? If not then you have what you want just without the label.
Author Elizabeth48 Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 He said that he's not seeing others, and I believe him. I see him too much for that (and also, all of his friends consider us a couple). I do feel like I have exactly what I want, except the label, in most ways... but not all. I feel like I don't have any reassurance that I'm not just a FWB/ temporary thing, that maybe he WILL at some point go find someone else and not feel obligated to me, that I'm being used, a little. If he at least referred to me as a girlfriend that would imply some level of committment and caring, but by avoiding that label he's still technically able to do whatever he wants. I feel like he does care about me, but the fact that he is so against calling this a relationship, even on a casual level, makes me feel like a temporary fix. It's like he's leaving himself a loophole. Example: I invited him to a friend's dinner party (a very casual thing) and he said no. I basically had no right to be disappointed that he didn't want to go, because to do so would be "a girlfriend thing to do" if that makes sense. I had to say it was not a big deal, but it actually really hurt that he didn't want to go and hang out with my friends. He said he was busy, but I felt like I should have been a higher priority than that (I asked weeks in advance). I also feel like he would not necessarily mind if I moved away.
carhill Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I also feel like he would not necessarily mind if I moved away. That's odd. I'd mind if any close friend moved away. Doesn't that seem normal, regardless of the intimacy? I mean I'd encourage them, since moving is usually a big deal for anyone, but I'd still miss them and want them to know that. Also, the dinner party thing....you've met his friends and parents and evidently attend friend and family functions and are considered by some to be a couple, but he balks at going to a simple dinner party? I'm a man and I'd suggest re-examining this friendship. Something just doesn't sound right....
missdependant Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Rebounds are a terrible, terrible idea on so many levels. Yes, this is a rebound relationship for both of you.. whether it's purely sexual, if there is emotion involved, whatever. Bad idea. I recommend being single, not having a man in your life for a while, and the guy probably needs to be single and not have a female in his life for a while. Three months, compared to five years.. that is still not making a difference to me, I'm sorry. The problems from your old relationship and his old relationship will bleed into this one. It doesn't matter if you were friends before you started seeing him, it is still a rebound for BOTH of you. You obviously have two different agendas. He wants a friend with benefits. You want a relationship. I think you should be single. Relationship directly after relationship is unhealthy, especially considering the amount of time you were in your previous relationship. I also think that whatever is going on between you two is going to ruin your friendship. He is stringing you along. His feelings for you are sexual, not romantic. You are looking for too much too soon. And I think it's because you spent 5 years with someone; you're afraid to be alone or afraid to be single.. and he is there to fill a void. But he might not be right for it. Be single.. and enjoy it. Just my opinion. Good luck.
manugeorge Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I think he probably does care about you but he is also using you as a crutch. Breakups are usually so sudden and such a jolt to our system that we tend to look for a bandaid to heal the wound as opposed to just letting it fester. Going from having the everyday companionship that he had with his ex-girlfriend to having absolutely nothing at all is something he probably doesn't want to deal with, hence his recreation of a pseudo relationship wtih you. But I think he is also very aware of what he's doing, which is why he is resisting making your relationship official. There is nothing inherently wrong with rebound relationships as long as both parties are aware of and agree to the fact that it is a rebound relationship. The rules seem to be changing for you here so I'll suggest you pull back and take care of you first.
Recommended Posts