dumndummr Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I always thought I would be the one to be involved with someone else behind my wifes back .......but I guess it is the other way around. i love my wife dearly and I believe she loves me too but this episode has hurt me beyond my abilities to cope and I am lost..... Here is what happened............ I moved out of state for business while my wife and kids remained behind. During this time she became firends, maybe she was friends before I left, with some one who works in the same facility she works at. I would visit twice a month and stay with my family and I and my wife would have good time together. I never suspected anything amiss. Once she visited me alone for a job interview and while she was with me she recieved a text from this other person saying he was wishing her luck with her interview and then saying...."I miss you" Normally someone would not add a sentence like this to a friend he/she did not see for a day. I confronted her and she reacted the way a person would react. She was upset that why her friend would become personal like this and she would confront him to tell him that was inappropriate of him to say that. End of story. I did not think much of it. a few weeks later some one who knows us both told me that she wanted to let me know that my wife was having an affair with this man. I called my wife, confronted her and she denied and I accepted her denials.She said that she cant help if this man likes her. I asked her that had he told her that he liked her and she said " yes he likes me but he has never said anything to me other than he likes what a good person I am" By this time I was having feelings that there was something she was not telling me. Whenever we would talk my conversation would turn to my feeling something more ws kept hidden from me. but she would always dny anything.On one visit back home she called me and said come home and meet him. i did. Everything was normal but the signals I felt between them made me more suspicious. I hate this word....."suspicion" But thats what I had become. By December I gained enough strength to ask her if she was having anything to do with this man and she said NO and proceeded to tell me that his wife had confronted her also and asked her if my wife was having an affair with her husband and she told the wife no and they had to figure out their problems themselves and all she was doing was being a good friend to both of them and giving advice to him. I looked up the phone records and found out they were talking to each other several times a day from early mornings(6am or 7am) to late nites. I asked her if she talked to this guy and she denied talking more than once or twice . I didnt tell her about the call records. Till now aqll she admitted was that the guy had told her he liked her and she had told him not to pursue her. She moved to the state we are in now by february. Everything was fine till one day she till I saw an email between them that she forgot to close. He was telling her his love for her in many words and how he was pursuing her and she was telling him that she wont give in to his feelings but she cherished him as a GOOD FRIEND....I confronted her again and she told me yes he was professing his love for her all the time. I asked her how often? and she said "a few times" again saying they hardly talked. Recently saw a thread of posts between them in which he talks about love and spending their lives and evenings together...blah blah blah... and she not responding in kind but keeping on talking to him. I finally called his wife and she told me how her marriage is almost ruined because of this. Now my quetion to all of you is...........whatever I have asked her she has denied it till presented with a proof. she never admits to anything till I show her the call records. She says he never touched her till I tell her so and so saw him giving her a foot massage. Then she says......."he tried but I told him No" She keeps on telling me "nothing happened" Now I wonder what "nothing" means. She has removed all the posts and emails thrown away all the gifts he gave her. She does not want to discuss it with me when I say I need to know everything that happened between them. What do I do? I feel I need to know the full extent of whatever happened. I will be able to handle the emotional drain on me when I know what happened.......... Please let me know what you think...............was there something between them or its all my feelings acting up? am I right in asking her about this? Is she holding back on this?
Darth Vader Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Maybe your post should be moved to the infidelity forum. I am sorry you find yourself here looking for answers. Agreed. Your wife's riding this guy. Divorce her pronto.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I have one question though? I always thought I would be the one to be involved with someone else behind my wifes back .......but I guess it is the other way around. So are you more hurt that she ended up cheating on you and you not on her? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand here. Does this mean that you're capable of, or have been thinking of cheating on your wife throughout your marriage?
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Anyway..The bottomline is - She's lying to you and minimzing the extent of this other man and what they're doing. She's will lie and may even lie if you have proof.. Deny and lie.. Is it possible for you to hire a PI? This way you will get to know exactly what's going on. You can also install a keylogger on the computer to track her. Another option is, tell her you KNOW she's cheating and she has a choice to make. Either she says goodbye to the OM forever,works on the marriage with you, or she can move out and leave the kids with you, so she can do whatever she wants with the OM. Don't let her gaslight you, manipulate you or convince you that it's all in your head because it's not. She KNOWS she's up to no good and she's just not thinking clearly..aka the affair -fog. Only she matters and what she feels matters. Confront her and be strong. Show her that you won't put up with her crap.
sadintexas Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 If it was JUST a friendship situation, she would have nixed it a long time ago because of the problems it caused. She was definitely getting something out of it.
jnj express Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Tell her enuff is enuff. Her relationship with this guy is ABNORMAL for a married woman. YOU NEED TO DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND RIGHT NOW. Their relationship is over, she sends him a NC letter, she becomes completly transparent, and she follows boundaries that you will set in/re: to her talking to other men. If she can't do these things then tell her she will be served Divorce papers. SHE NEEDS TO BE KICKED OUT OF HER AFFAIR WITH THIS OTHER GUY.
tami-chan Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 At the very least your wife is having or had an emotional affair with this man. You need to put your foot down, like the others are saying.
Author dumndummr Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 what do you mean when you say I should put my foot down? i asked her again today about this situation and her response was that it was all in my mind. As far as she was concerned nothing happened. He tried to hold her hand and he was the one saying all the things. She never reciprocated. My question is that if this person was behaving like this for so many months why didnt she tell him off and cut off all contact with him?
Author dumndummr Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Now I realize that any one is capable of cheating. Before, I always considered myself to be susceptible. Never wanted to and never did cheat though.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 See, she's starting 'it' already. Making it seem like it's all in your head, that you're crazy, that this guy is just a friend, no big deal. It's your problem, you're jealous and just can't accept that she has a male friend..Stuff like that. But, your gut KNOWS it's bullcrap..You've seen enough to know that what she is doing is totally inappropriate! IF this guy was "just" a friend, you would have met him already and had him for dinner to your house.. When I said you should put your foot down I mean don't let her call the shots. Tell her that you feel uncomfortable with this friendship and she has to let this guy go. Your marriage is more important than this guy. Seriously consider hiring a PI or ask a trusted buddy to follow her, see where she goes if you can't afford a PI.
Bryanp Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 My friend I believe that you are in serious denial. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would accept such crap from you? Your wife has continued to lie to you so why do you believe anything she says. In addition, do you really think a married man would profess his love and throw away his marriage for your wife and all he ever was able to do was give her a foot massage (which she lied about)? I am sorry but your wife is playing you for a complete fool. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes about her affair and her total disrespect and distain for you and your relationship. You need to contact an attorney to understand your options. It is quite clear that your wife "does not get it" and has no problem lying to your face. She has little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
Reggie Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 what do you mean when you say I should put my foot down? i asked her again today about this situation and her response was that it was all in my mind. As far as she was concerned nothing happened. He tried to hold her hand and he was the one saying all the things. She never reciprocated. My question is that if this person was behaving like this for so many months why didnt she tell him off and cut off all contact with him? Look, your wife is lying to you and trying to make you think it is all in your head. Ask yourself, before all this happened, was I the jealous, paranoid type? Clearly, you were not and you are reacting to what your instincts are telling you is cheating. And, she is cheating. I hate it when they do this to a BS, and almost all of them do it. Thye try to make you think you are nuts. This is as cruel , if not crueler, thant the cheating itself. You've caught her lying re the frequency of calls, the physical contact, and you've seen the substance of his messages professing his love. You've seen her take zero action to stop any of these overtures and you are surely unaware of the overtures she is making toward him. You just need to decide if you want to stay with a cheater. If you are okay with reconciling with a cheater, you should take steps to interfere and end her affair.These are outlined on other sites, These steps include exposing the affair, cutting off funds that underwrite the affair, doing the 180, etc.
seibert253 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 what do you mean when you say I should put my foot down? i asked her again today about this situation and her response was that it was all in my mind. As far as she was concerned nothing happened. He tried to hold her hand and he was the one saying all the things. She never reciprocated. My question is that if this person was behaving like this for so many months why didnt she tell him off and cut off all contact with him? Cheaters lie and liars cheat. She's hoping to keep the wool pulled over you eyes. You need to confront her right away and set up boundries. Let her know if these boundries are crossed, you will be seeking divorce. YOU NEED TO MAKE A STAND RIGHT NOW, OTHERWISE SHE WILL CONTINUE TO WALK ALL OVER YOU. This is not in your head, this is real. Do not listen to her. She will minimize, gaslight, whatever you call it, she is lying to you. If I were in your situation here's what I would do; Sit her down, without and kids or other distractions, and let her know you love her more than anything else in this world, and you would move heaven and earth for her, but you are very hurt and concerned about her "friendship" and contact with this OM. Let her know your marriage hasn't been perfect, but you want to make it better. Tell her you're committed to this, but you're not sure she is. The reason why is her relationship with OM. Tell her you're aware of the communications between them and you know of the things they said to each other. (don't reveal how you know). Tell her you feel hurt and disrespected by her contact with OM and content of their messages to each other. Let her know if she wants to work on your marriage the first order of business is to end all contact with OM. Tell her the two of you cannot concentrate on fixing things, if the OM is still in the picture. Tell her the relationship with OM is fracturing your marriage. Then finally let her know she needs to make a decision; 1. end all contact with OM and work on us or 2. your marriage is over and you will be seeking a divorce. Do not give her a time limit but tell her you will not wait forever for her decisioin. Then reiterrate your love and devotion to her and you're willingness to work throught this difficult time, but you can no longer tolerate what's been going on. Let her know that right now, you do not trust her. She will probably get mad, blame you for everything, yada, yada, but be calm and supporting. Right now she's in la la land in regards to this affair, yes that's what it is and that's what you should refer to it as. Even with her, tell her in your eyes it's an affair no matter what she thinks or says. But, now is the time for you to draw the line in the sand, stand up for yourelf, and say I WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE THIS. Sometimes it takes a 2X4 of reality to snap the WS back to the real world. Don't take what she says on face value. You need to validate. Keep up your investigation. Install a keylogger on the computer if you havn't, get detail billing of her cell phone. Trust by verify. She needs to earn your trust right now, as a matter of fact I would tell her this. Good Luck, God bless, and keep us updated.
2sure Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Please do yourself a huge a favor before anything else. Google the term GASLIGHTING. After learning about that , you will not feel like you are crazy and will not be driven there.
seibert253 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Now that I think of it, be prepared to drop the bomb if she says she's not going to end her relationship with OM. Prior to confronting her, I would meet with an attorney and have D papers drawn. That way if she says she's not going to end contact with OM, have her served the very next day. Or if she lies again and tells you she's ending contact, but doesn't, BAM, have her served.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Do you know if the OM is married, or does he have a girlfriend? If he does, think about telling his spouse what is going on. Two pairs of eyes are better than one.
stampdaddy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Do you know if the OM is married, or does he have a girlfriend? If he does, think about telling his spouse what is going on. Two pairs of eyes are better than one. Post # 1 Girl, he said his wife confronted him.... c'mon now jk
Darth Vader Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Post # 1 Girl, he said his wife confronted him.... c'mon now jk If I remember correctly, his wife said that OM's wife confronted OM already, I suspect that this is a ploy so you won't contact OM's wife and give her the heads up as to what's going on, even if she really did know, which is doubtful, she's being gaslighted as well. Contact the OM's wife and let her know what's going on, just in case. There's more going on than you realize, you just don't have proof, yet.
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