sedgwick Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I liked her okay. It was just an intake history and stuff. We start the actual EMDR next week. I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about it because she does it just by waving her fingers back and forth, and somehow the light machine thing seems a little more impersonal or scientific or something -- I would prefer that to the finger-waving, but we'll see how it goes. (For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, http://www.emdr.com/q&a.htm) It's been a year now since we spoke, and on July 17 it will be two years since the breakup. It's time to try to get over him. I'm having nightmares about him more nights than not, still (last night I dreamed he got married and that he and his new wife rode by me in a covered wagon laughing and pointing at me), and I still can't really leave the house much because I feel like I'm too ugly and too not-a-musician. The new therapist said today that she thought the "not a musician" thing was just an excuse and that he was probably missing me too much when he was on the road, but that's really hard for me to believe. I feel like if you miss someone, and you love them, you don't just bail on them one day and never see them again. But whatever. At least I'm doing something to try to make these thoughts and feelings and dreams stop. Next week is the official first session, so hopefully I'll only have one more week of nightmares before I get some relief. If I could just sleep through a whole night without dreaming of him, I'd consider it major progress!
PinkToes Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I'm glad you've started the process and I really hope it will help you; my sessions took care of the issue I was dealing with at the time. It's been about 6 years since I did it but I think I used subtle little buzzer-thingies that I held in my hands. It seems like the light bar was too frenetic for me, and the hand dealies let me keep my eyes closed. At least that's what I remember. And I think that business about your not being a musician is a load of crap also, and telling you that was easier than facing whatever issues might have kept him from creating and maintaining a healthy, grown-up long-term relationship. It's his stuff, and he really didn't deserve you.
Author sedgwick Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Thanks PinkToes, I wish I could believe that! Maybe this will bring some relief from the constant blaming myself and guilt over not being good enough. Let's hope!! My therapist said she used tones and tapping as well. I'm open-minded; the light box isn't the only way. She was the only EMDR therapist I found in my area who took my insurance, so I can't really go elsewhere. I'm going to trust her and hope for the best! I'll be tremendously grateful for any relief at all. I just want my life back.
81West Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 My first therapist 10+ years ago used her fingers back and forth. My more recent one used different things to see which I liked - buzzers in my hands and headphone with alternating tones - but she offered to use her fingers if I preferred. I found no difference at all in the effectiveness - the only advantage to both the headphones and the fingers is that my hands were free to use kleenex and such. I really glad that you've initiated this. I'm really looking forward to hearing what you thought about your first session.
motive2002 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I'm going in for some EMDR this afternoon. I hope it is helpful to both of us. I have new fresh wounds to deal with this time. Funny, I'm finally completely over the old ex that brought me here in the first place because I have this new pain to deal with. Pretty good deal eh? Does anyone rely on you? Do you have love to dispense elsewhere? Unrequited love is so painful. Love someone that's gonna love ya right back. Doesn't have to be romantic love. Any kind will do.
Author sedgwick Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I so want to be able to go out and rejoin the world after two years of intense mourning. Motive, I'm sorry to hear you're hurting anew, but I'm happy we can go through this together and share our experience! Maybe it will help other people. I do have lots of love in my life. I have a wonderful best friend (who, incidentally, happens to be my ex-husband, so that *is* possible!), other great friends who care about me, a good family (though they're far away), and two awesome cats who make me laugh every day. It's just that since Joe left, I've really withdrawn from the world. My friends have stopped asking me to go out and do things because they know I won't. Being told that everything you are is worthless to the person you love, because you're not exactly like HIM, is truly a devastating experience. It has really made me feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, and that meeting new people is pointless because they'll all just be bored by me like he was. Dammit I hope this works!!!!! I just want to feel like I have as much right to exist as he does.
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