Slipped

[wildsoul]

Timidly stepping into the confessional. Feeling a bit fragile, but I'm going to post anyway. I don't want to harbor a secret.

 

After 3months of NC, xMM found some workaround ways to contact me (sending from a new non-blocked email account.) I ignored him.

 

Then he had flowers delivered to my home 3x. I still ignored him.

 

Then he called me and I decided to answer, so I could reiterate all the reasons why we are not together and reinforce NC. I did that, but then he got me to soften by apologizing.

 

Hearing his voice was hard for me. It's one of the reasons I maintained NC, knowing that hearing his voice or seeing him in person would weaken my boundary. It did, because I then agreed to meet him in person. And somewhat surprising to me, all of our chemistry was still there. I thought I was over him. I am not.

 

The bottom-line remains the same: We're still broken up. I managed to hold that line. But then with his apologies, "epiphanies," and promises to go to anger management/therapy, and get a divorce, he got me to soften from "I never want to see you again," to "Maybe we still have a future, but only after you are divorced."

 

*sigh* I've got to hold firm and stay focused on MY life. All the future-talk he does, and the mental, emotional, & physical chemistry we have are still seductive to me. I'm sure that part of my root problem is that I'm so vulnerable right now (financial struggles, no family, etc.)

 

Anyway, I'm checking in on this to get rid of the feeling that I have a secret. There's not really any advice I need, as I know what to do: go back to NC and focus on my life, not him. Damn heart. Damn head.

[Owl]

You got the very last part wrong.

 

It's not "Damn heart. Damn head.".

 

It's Damn him!

 

He's back to playing the game, and you know it. He knows EXACTLY how to manipulate you into resuming the affair, without being forced to actually do the steps you've required of him.

 

Rather than sit here and blame yourself...you need to BLAME HIM.

 

Get mad!!! Get angry!!! Take action against him if you need to, but realize that the anger is what you need to finally put a stop to all of this!!!

 

Stop putting up with being his little playtoy.

 

This is a game for him...he wants to explore how far he's got to go to get back in...but he has no doubts that he can.

 

Why are you accepting that kind of disrespect?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sorry he's back WS. You know, epiphanies don't change people, anger management doesn't change people and he's been working on the divorce for how long. He wants things back the way they were and the way they were was why you ended it.

[Reggie]

It's sort of like slipping on a diet or other commitment. It does not mean all is lost. You just have to resume the NC and strive to keep to it.

[2sunny]

those are just words and promises - just the same as what he did before - but dressed up a bit to lure you back in.

 

even if he was divorced - he still has such narcissistic tendencies that it would eventually rear its' ugly head if you dated him for the long term.

 

he hasn't changed anything - his wife has only begun to believe that you are out of the picture now - leaving him the luxury of his hot pursuit again.

 

expect him to get more aggressive as she becomes more trusting and he pays more attention to you.

 

since he stated that he has promised to go to anger management - he may as well... it's not really for you - it's for his benefit. my bet is that it's only a promise though... and no action will be taken to show you that he has changed his behavior.

 

you have done so well WS - keep up your strength - you will be proud of yourself if you don't settle for an angry, unavailable man. you deserve more than that.

[delirious]

Don't beat yourself up WS, it is so very very hard. I know exactly what you mean. I did the same thing. I confess I confess I confess also. The chemistry business, just when he touched my hand, he shocked me into submission. We are weak. But we love so very very much.

[jj33]

Oh Sweetie. Big hugs. He is a sly one.... Just remember:

 

1. You are a smart cookie. The minute you realized that his separation was not for real, you got out.

 

2. Then when he was separated and wasnt treating you right you got out again.

 

3. You did not put yourself through hell waiting hoping against hope that he would "choose you". Technically you could say you were never "willingly" the OW.

 

4. He has shown that he has significant anger issues.

 

They are not the signs of a macho man. They are not the signs of a man who knows just how to make you feel vulnerable and weak at the knees.

 

They are the signs of a man who was emotionally abusive. You got hooked into a replay of childhood issues (i am guessing).

 

5. But you are smart enough to know that and to say ahh... the emperor has no clothes (and not in a good way)

 

6. You are smart enough to know that the love of your life doesnt jerk you around about Tksgiving and Christmas

 

7. The love of your life doesnt do that initial Craigs list bit; doesnt write mean comments on your work site blog or whereever he wrote them.

 

The love of your life cherishes you and respects you and wants the best for you.

 

This man is a wolf in sheeps clothing. And you need to be on guard.

 

To us you are a goddess but at the same time, you are only human. And humans get nostalgic (as i did tonite seeing MM and practically swooning just saying hello)

 

BUT REMEMBER - just because you told him you MAY have a future if he gets a divorce, doesnt mean you owe him ANYTHING. You are entitled to change your mind - every 5 minutes if you like.

 

You are not required to speak to him EVER EVER again. You are not required to go on a date with him, to answer his emails or anything unless and until you want to and have some evidence that he has confronted his anger issues, takes responsibility for them and has changed.

 

Big hugs:love:

 

jj

[wildsoul]

Owl: Yes. Anger is what worked to get me through the first hard couple of months. Betcha he waited me out, knowing I was furious and that was why I was freezing him out. He waited for me to thaw, and he gauged it correctly.

 

IWWH: Yep. A girlfriend and I were discussing the "ephiphany" thing, as she and I both have a tendency to believe them. Sometimes they are real in the "aha" moment, but it doesn't mean that they cause a lasting change.

 

Reggie: Thanks. Damn, but I've been slipping on my diet too! Wish I was one of those girls who gets anorexic when stressed.

 

2sunny: I've thought of you and the NPD aspects involved. The upside of all that NPD charm is so seductive. Certainly, I've thought about his W and what she's probably thinking. Previously, he'd moved out and was spending all his time with me. Betcha my vacancy had him spending more time with her again. I can imagine how he was going thru heartache and withdrawals from me and might have cozied up to her for ego strokes. He says they aren't "back together," but she probably has a different take on it.

 

Delirious: *gives an empathy hug* Yes. It's hard. I'd pushed all my loving thoughts away and used anger to break free. Then seeing him again reminded me of how deeply I loved him and all those feelings of how happy we are in each other's presence came back as if no time or struggle had passed at all. Not to say I wasn't guarded, but I felt again how much I love him. Sad, because it doesn't change a damn thing. We're still compatible and have powerful chemistry, but he's ALSO still married and has his same personality defects.

 

If there's any measure of progress at all, it's this: I'm functional and not a slobbering crying mess in withdrawals. Onward and hopefully upward.

[2sunny]

good for you!!! woot... for every action he has - doesn't require a reaction by you...

 

also - if he tries sending flowers or meeting with you further...

 

flowers - i'd immediately have the delivery person send them straight over to his wife at their house (card and all). she deserves to know that he is making an effort to woo you. she won't mind getting flowers since they aren't really "back together" - also he can't get mad since you really don't intend to have them go to waste... he he - i'm bad... but this act may just allow you the luxury of understanding her perspective a bit more - ya know?

 

also, if he wants to meet with you... call his wife while you're just sitting down with him "just to check and be sure she's ok with it all" THAT will tell you what his intentions are.

 

my guess is that he'll be VERY, VERY angry! why? oh - because he's still lying - just like before - just now someone is willing to hold him and his actions accountable - and his sneaky, lying bad behavior will be revealed.

 

when the truth is revealed - it will become very obvious by the reaction what his true intentions are. best guess? he'd like to continue on with this little charade for as long as you both are willing to allow.

[wildsoul]

jj33: Good stuff. Thanks!

 

Gotcha. Nostalgia is NOT a sign that things are different now. It just means that I miss the good parts. It still all boils down to the defining moment when I gave up: There's NO way to amputate out the bad parts and keep the good.

 

I'm much more realistic and not blinded by hope. I'm not willing to stick with him and work it through. I've got a lot of mileage on my tires, trying to practice loyalty with men who can't do their side of the work. I can still feel some of those impulses. I can still feel where I get hooked into the fantasy of us. We had a LOT of times when I was the happiest woman on earth with him. But some of our best moments were followed by big backslides on his part.

 

He can give me moments of what I most want from a mate, but the circumstances of him still being married is a TOTAL deal breaker. The personality stuff should be too. Somehow that seems less cut and dried in comparison to him being married. Owls right about me having some issues about really feeling like I deserve more. It's also been hard as I've been dabbling in dating and NO ONE comes even close to the chemistry I had with him. But a girl can't live on chemistry alone. I need someone solid and reliable too.

[jj33]

The chemistry thing is very very difficult. And as great as it is to "get out there" when you are getting out there and not meeting anyone who comes in the same league with chemistry it does feed the nostalgia (I used to tell an xbf that dating just made him look better and better)

 

And for some reason when the chemistry is there, it is easy to forget in the moment, that the personality stuff matters too. If you had seen me by his side today you would have shot me (I hope). It was only about 2 minutes but the guy we were talking to commented on our comraderie...

 

For whatever reason, that stuff stays sometimes. I would not have believed it. But it does. And its crazy. It shouldnt da*n it. But it does.

 

But you know what to do and you are doing it.

 

I think sometimes the personality stuff gets less play in our heads because there is (or there was in my case) a tendency to write some of it off to the difficulties of the dynamic or to the nobodys perfect and you pick your flaws.... Not sure.

 

But you are doing great. They always come back. he has and you stood strong. You should be very very proud.

[wildsoul]

If you had seen me by his side today you would have shot me (I hope).

Hands you a matching squirt gun filled with anti-love potion. Ready? Aim. Fire!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

IWWH: Yep. A girlfriend and I were discussing the "ephiphany" thing, as she and I both have a tendency to believe them. Sometimes they are real in the "aha" moment, but it doesn't mean that they cause a lasting change.

 

I just know that I've had plenty of "aha" moments myself but they didn't bring on change except for the few times I backed them up with a years worth of work and hard changes myself.

[OpenBook]

[[[Wings]]] Sorry to hear about your current troubles. (I'm in the same boat, professionally.) When it rains, it pours huh. I completely admire you for standing your ground with him, as vulnerable as you are right now... and I'll be cheering you on, all the way. I don't know what the solution is, to anything, but I do know you have everything you need within yourself. You Go Gurl. It's all going to work out.

[jwi71]

 

I'll be nice Wild and let you pick which azz cheek I'll kick. Left or Right?

But I'll pick the shoes...I know my golf shoes are around here somewhere...

 

OK...enough of that.

 

Let me tell you this. Maybe it will help.

 

As you and most here know...My stbxw had an A. Tried to recover but she really wasn't "in to it". Served her and showed her the door.

 

It was easy. Divorce IS easy.

 

Wanna know why? I wanted it.

 

Nothing wishy-washy or epiphany or that other bull****e. No "I'll file the day after the third half moon of next year" crap so many MM/MW speak of. No I'll wait for the kids. No "Lets drag this out over the years".

 

Done. Filed, served and out in 30 days. Simple and easy. Why? I wanted it.

 

So when I hear these stories such as the one your MM fed you - I know its bull****e. I know it in every OW/OM story where this comes up.

 

If he/she truly WANTS a D...its easy. Real easy.

 

Wild...he DOESN'T WANT A D. If he did, he would have done it. ITs really that simple. That easy.

 

And yes, I have two small kids...a daughter 6 and a son 3. I STILL did it. Why? I wanted it.

 

Don't fall for that crap.

 

And...NC ok? I'll go easy THIS TIME...you are only human. Do it again...I'll get the ice skates...

[wildsoul]

It was easy. Divorce IS easy.

 

Wanna know why? I wanted it.

 

Nothing wishy-washy or epiphany or that other bull****e. No "I'll file the day after the third half moon of next year" crap so many MM/MW speak of. No I'll wait for the kids. No "Lets drag this out over the years".

 

Done. Filed, served and out in 30 days. Simple and easy. Why? I wanted it.

 

So when I hear these stories such as the one your MM fed you - I know its bull****e. I know it in every OW/OM story where this comes up.

 

If he/she truly WANTS a D...its easy. Real easy.

 

Wild...he DOESN'T WANT A D. If he did, he would have done it. ITs really that simple. That easy.

You're right. Totally. My xMM doesn't even have kids. His excuse is "not wanting to hurt her," and "giving her time to get on board with it." And he's overly concerned about what his and her family will think.

 

It's a combination of him being a coward and still being emotionally attached to her.

 

He told me a story about running into a stranger that he felt was giving him a message. Some older woman that reminded him of his deceased mom. Apparently he told her how he was in love with another woman, but afraid to leave his wife. The woman challenged him to make a damn decision before he lost me and confronted him on what a chickensh*t he's being about getting a divorce.

 

It's all talk though. I get that.

[NoIDidn't]

*Hugs* Wild. You weren't harboring a secret. Its always your decision on what you tell the board. Most of us aren't in any place to judge you.

 

Oh the stories I could tell about my recovery slips when we decided to reconcile.....

 

Don't take the slip too hard. You have a goal in mind: your own life. Live it to the fullest no matter his place in your heart or head.

[Mino]

*Hugs* Wild. You weren't harboring a secret. Its always your decision on what you tell the board. Most of us aren't in any place to judge you.

 

Oh the stories I could tell about my recovery slips when we decided to reconcile.....

 

Don't take the slip too hard. You have a goal in mind: your own life. Live it to the fullest no matter his place in your heart or head.

I agree, look at it this way... it was just another reminder to you of why your doing nc. Good luck sweetie, this will only make you stronger.

[wildsoul]

*Hugs* Wild. You weren't harboring a secret. Its always your decision on what you tell the board. Most of us aren't in any place to judge you.

 

Oh the stories I could tell about my recovery slips when we decided to reconcile.....

 

Don't take the slip too hard. You have a goal in mind: your own life. Live it to the fullest no matter his place in your heart or head.

Thanks, NID. The board was getting so hostile for awhile there, yanno?

 

I'd like to hear your stories. Are you saying you broke up with your xMM then tried reconciling? How long of a break before you did that? What happened? What did you learn?

[whichwayisup]

Don't beat up on yourself at all about this. You can slip back into NC mode, just look how far you've gone so far! It'll probably be abit easier this time around because now you know what to expect (as in your own emotions and how to deal with them better) and also, most of all, all that hard work you've done, the ground work is there. Hope that makes sense..(It does in my head yet sometimes when it's written down it doesn't come off that way..hehe)

 

Time to change your email address and get a new one that way he won't contact you again by using a fake name.

[Mino]

Thanks, NID. The board was getting so hostile for awhile there, yanno?

 

I'd like to hear your stories. Are you saying you broke up with your xMM then tried reconciling? How long of a break before you did that? What happened? What d? Now id you learn?

NID, You were an OW? Gezz how did I miss that one???? Now I understand why you are the wise one !

[sadintexas]

((( Wild Soul )))

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks, NID. The board was getting so hostile for awhile there, yanno?

 

I'd like to hear your stories. Are you saying you broke up with your xMM then tried reconciling? How long of a break before you did that? What happened? What did you learn?

 

NID, You were an OW? Gezz how did I miss that one???? Now I understand why you are the wise one !

 

Oh no. Its not quite like that. My (actual) OW days were before I got married. I'd like to say that I've never cheated on my H, but opinions on my *almost* EA shortly before I discovered his EA may vary on that. LOL. )

 

But if you'd like to hear that tired, three day long tale, I'll be glad to share.

 

I was talking about my slips in the recovering my M stage following my H's EA. There is always the assumption that the recovered marriages are completely happy if the BW is here defending M and it isn't always so. My tales are more about my own journey than that of my marriage, though.

 

Sorry for the confusion. (Mino, I WISH I was wise. I'm barely even experienced, LOL, but I'm glad if anything I've ever posted to you was in any way helpful. )

[wildsoul]

Sorry for the confusion.

Oh no, the apologies for confusion are all mine! I knew you hadn't cheated on your H, but I thought you were referencing your nefarious past.

[NoIDidn't]

Oh no, the apologies for confusion are all mine! I knew you hadn't cheated on your H, but I thought you were referencing your nefarious past.

 

Oh, I made plenty of slipups then too! LOL.

 

That cheating boyfriend that reminds me of so many of the MM here? I went back to him twice even after finding out that I was the OW.

 

Like I said, I am in NO position to judge you or anyone else on slipping or anything else for that matter.