buckuppie Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Hey everyone! First, thanks for reading this post, and I appreciate any advice you're willing to give! The issue I am having involves my girlfriend's relationship with a certain male friend. I guess my real issue is that I am having a hard time deciding whether I'm worrying too much/letting jealousy get the best of me OR I actually have a valid point. Here's the scenerio. My girlfriend has a particular male friend that she was close with the year before we started dating. (Lets call him Joe). From what she has told me, during that period of time; they were very close, hung out on the weekends, had slept in the same bed together, kissed on one occasion, and a result had mixed feelings towards each other as a result (do i like him? do i like her? are we just friends kind of thing). The feelings never came to anything of substance, more than likely because Joe was already in a serious relationship during the time of the kiss. Now, my girlfriend regards that kiss as a mistake and she was just in a confusing time in her life. On the weekends, my girlfriend will sometimes try and work Joe into our plans (meet at a bar, get dinner, come to a party). That's the part I'm having a hard time with. I completley understand we all have people like Joe in our past. I don't have a problem with my girlfriend hanging out with guy friends, or occasionaly checking up with an ex. But I am having an issue with the amount of time my girlfriend wants to spend with Joe. I have girls in my past, that were Joe-like relationships, the difference is that I am not trying to hang out with them every weekend. I guess I feel like whether the kiss was a mistake, it still happened, and maybe things would have went differently if Joe didnt have a girlfriend at the time. I'm not at all asking or wanting her to never see/talk to him again. I guess I just don't see why she needs to see/talk to him AS MUCH as she does now. Ive discussed it with my girlfriend and she thinks I am overreacting. She says if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't have any problem with the situation. My response is: the roles aren't reversed because those relationships from the past stay in the past. Also, recently, an exgirlfriend of mine wrote me about getitng lunch because she would soon be moving out of state, far away. I asked my girlfriend first if she would mind. Her reponse was that she didn't care. A few days later my girlfriend changed her mind and said she "didnt understand why she would wnat to get lunch with me" and feared she had ulterior motives. So as a result, i didnt get lunch with her. Doesn't seem quite the same treatment does it? So help me out! I think I am a pretty reasonable dude, if ya'll tell me I'm making a big deal out of nothing - I'll believe you. So - should I drop it, or take a stand? Sorry this was so long!
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Ive discussed it with my girlfriend and she thinks I am overreacting. She says if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't have any problem with the situation. dude your woman is feeding you a plate of ****. she is a lying fraud. if you did this same thing to her she would have put an embargo on the sex faster than you can say "embargo". there is much more going on with their relationship than she is telling you. basically she'll waiting for the right time to dump you and hook up with him. the only thing you can do to save you self-respect is to tell her to stop seeing and talking with "joe" otherwise you'll split. if she really loves you then she will obey. if not then you have to dump her becuasue if you don't then she'll eventually dump you for him. end of story
Pyro Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I personally wouldn't be comfortable with my SO wanting to spend as much time with a guy (especially one that she has had feelings for) that you say she does. You are her guy and you should be the guy that she wants to spend the most time with out of the guys that she knows. Talk to her some more about it, but giving her an ultimatum will only put her on the defense and that will only lead to worse things. You two are going to have to compromise here, or you may have to go your own ways.
lora22 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 On the one hand, it's good that she's not keeping hanging out with "Joe" separate from you. On the other hand, if you've told her you're not comfortable with how much time she spends with him (or wants to spend with him), and it's because of their unresolved feelings and she blew you off, that's not good either. So you're "overreacting" because you're not comfortable with her hanging out all the time with a guy she kissed and has unresolved feelings for, but she didn't think it was overreacting on her part to freak out because your exgf wanted to get lunch with you? Your gf sounds like a hypocrite to me - what's good for the goose should be good for the gander, right?
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 ... but giving her an ultimatum will only put her on the defense and that will only lead to worse things. You two are going to have to compromise here, or you may have to go your own ways. the relationship is basically almost over anyways
Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I do think it's a bit of a double standard for your gf to demand you not see your ex while she's allowed to bring Joe along. If it's getting to the point where you guys can't make plans without her insisting Joe is worked in, then I think you need to bring up the fact that you're in a relationship TOGETHER, not TOGETHER + Joe. Otherwise leave them to themselves and find someone who will place more focus on you.
Pyro Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 the relationship is basically almost over anyways That'll remain to be seen. Lets see what happens.
hey_beautiful Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Since it isn't an occasional thing, I can understand that you would be upset. I do have a feeling that it is platonic, but the fact that she doesn't understand the feelings you have and she, herself, experienced those feelings when you ex wanted to meet is the biggest problem here. She seems like she wants to have all of the right to do what she wants to without a care in the world, but when it comes to you, she can't handle it. You need to have a discussion, because the way you both feel is the same. You don't not want her to spend so much time with an ex, and she does not either. How are they different at all? If she wants to pretend that it's not the same, then I would start questions what is behind all of this. That is what would raise my suspicions.
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 That'll remain to be seen. Lets see what happens. dude, when your gf starts spending time with another man its basically over. there's nothing else to discuss.
Prolix Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Unfortunately I find that to be the truth in many cases, too. It's a tough spot to repair.
Pyro Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 dude, when your gf starts spending time with another man its basically over. there's nothing else to discuss. Its not looking good I'll admit, but lets see. I've seen worse scenarios end on a good note.
lora22 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Its not looking good I'll admit, but lets see. I've seen worse scenarios end on a good note. I wouldn't want to be with someone who put another girl before me or someone who blew off my feelings or concerns, or someone who held me to a different standard than he held himself, or someone who was supposed to be my bf, but who was hanging out all the time with someone else he had kissed and maybe had feelings for. That's just me.
Pyro Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I wouldn't want to be with someone who put another girl before me or someone who blew off my feelings or concerns, or someone who held me to a different standard than he held himself, or someone who was supposed to be my bf, but who was hanging out all the time with someone else he had kissed and maybe had feelings for. That's just me. I wouldn't either, but after a nice talk things can change. Not saying thats a common thing because its not.
lora22 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I wouldn't either, but after a nice talk things can change. Not saying thats a common thing because its not. True. I guess even that would bother me though, because really, what happens in that talk that makes things change is that the guy/girl finally decides to actually commit to his/her partner - when s/he should already by committed. But you're right.
Pyro Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 True. I guess even that would bother me though, because really, what happens in that talk that makes things change is that the guy/girl finally decides to actually commit to his/her partner - when s/he should already by committed. But you're right. and who said relationships are easy?
boogieboy Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Have a nice talk with her first. If it doesnt work, and you cant dump her without being hurt, start hanging out with that girl that makes your gf jealous. Watch what happens.
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Have a nice talk with her first. If it doesnt work, and you cant dump her without being hurt, start hanging out with that girl that makes your gf jealous. Watch what happens. i think we are already at the "kobiashi maru" no-win scenario stage here...your suggestion will backfire as the OP's gf already has her sites set on "joe". there is really only one soloution. The OP should tell his gf that if she doesn't put the kaibosh on "joe" then he is history. if she stops seeing joe then all is good and well, if she continues seeing joe then he should leave her. in retrospect however it seems as if she's already made her decision.
dreamergrl Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I don't think she's cheating on you. However, I think she needs to respect your feelings. I'd try another sit down. Since she felt you shouldn't see your ex, use that as an example. But don't do it as a "you can do it so why can't I?"
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I don't think she's cheating on you. However, I think she needs to respect your feelings. I'd try another sit down. Since she felt you shouldn't see your ex, use that as an example. But don't do it as a "you can do it so why can't I?" here's how that conversation will go: buckuppie: so you're still seeing joe? i think you should stop gf: why? he's my "friend" and i've known him longer than you buckuppie: so what? you didn't want me to see my ex gf: that's because she probably wanted to get back with you buckuppie: how do you know that? doesn't joe want you? gf: no, we're just "friends", you know that buckuppie: why do you spend so much time together?? gf: i'm sick of this conversation. i'm leaving you. goodbye forever
dreamergrl Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 here's how that conversation will go: buckuppie: so you're still seeing joe? i think you should stop gf: why? he's my "friend" and i've known him longer than you buckuppie: so what? you didn't want me to see my ex gf: that's because she probably wanted to get back with you buckuppie: how do you know that? doesn't joe want you? gf: no, we're just "friends", you know that buckuppie: why do you spend so much time together?? gf: i'm sick of this conversation. i'm leaving you. goodbye forever And if it comes down to that - so be it, and move on. But really, who knows how the last talk went. If it came off as a couple of toddlers not getting their way, then it wont be productive. But if they can sit down as two mature adults, it could be addressed and fixed.
BubblyPopcorn Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Inappropriate behavior on your girlfriend’s part, so no, you are not over reacting. If she is unable to be respectful of your feelings towards her past/present behavior with Joe, wouldn’t that indicate to you, that she does not value her relationship with you as someone who cares and has respect for her boyfriend would? It seems you do not have an issue keeping your past relationships, in the past and that is based on your actions towards your girlfriend. See the difference?
proton Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 here's how that conversation will go: buckuppie: so you're still seeing joe? i think you should stop gf: why? he's my "friend" and i've known him longer than you buckuppie: so what? you didn't want me to see my ex gf: that's because she probably wanted to get back with you buckuppie: how do you know that? doesn't joe want you? gf: no, we're just "friends", you know that buckuppie: why do you spend so much time together?? gf: i'm sick of this conversation. i'm leaving you. goodbye forever ahaha.... ahhh... yaahh good stuff right there
Loxx Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Does she change personalities around him especially toward you? Thats where you'll find the answer!
Jester268 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Alpha male is right. I let my girlfriend hang out with a guy who was hitting on her and she left me for him. You don't have to be a dick, but you should be firm. The fact that she has kissed this guy and wants to hang out with him so much is because she's ready to start looking elsewhere. Sometimes people don't know what they have until it's gone. Do yourself a favor and let her know that her behavior is going to cause her to lose you. If it bothers her she will stop and if it doesn't you should just end it because it is definitely not meant to be. As a side note I have a feeling that this girl is less than 25 years old. amirite ?
Mary3 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 dude, when your gf starts spending time with another man its basically over. there's nothing else to discuss. Its almost like she is trying to hang on to Joe * in case * the fireworks come back....I think I just saw a spark....
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