Work with my ex and trying not to be bitter

[TeacupMovinON]

My ex and I have been split for close to six months but we still have to work together. I have went thru all of the phases but now I seem to be stuck in the ANGER stage.

 

We dated close to two years. Lost a child during this time, took care of his children, had what I considered to be a very serious relationship. Lived together the whole 9. Two days after our break up he had a new woman, she was likely there all along!

 

That is not the part the angers me so much now...it's that mixed in with his total disrespect of me and my feelings. Bringing her to work where I will see her, posting I love you notes and pictures at his desk, making it obvious that she is the 'replacement'. It is humiliating on top of being just plain hurtful. I try very hard to keep my love life private.

 

He is kind most of the time at work and wants to have a friendly (sometimes too friendly) relationship but I think he has been such a PIG. I don't want to be angry, I feel guilty for it, but I am MAD. I hate seeming bitter but I can't bare to be a buddy to someone who treated me so poorly.

 

Any suggestions? Has anyone been in this situation?? HELP!!!

[TeacupMovinON]

Anyone...Please!? I am having a hard time behaving accordingly. If I am indifferent and ignore anything but the business at hand the ex gets angry and is quite rude. When I try to be friendly it feels unbearable because I am letting someone walk all over me.... I don't know which direction to go!

[TaraMaiden]

Movin'on - you ain't.

 

You obviously still have resentment issues and you're jealous that he could be treating his new lady in this way, and flaunting it under your nose.

Yes, he's tactless, and very inconsiderate, and he's being a jerk - but you have to let him get on with it.

The only person this inhibits and holds back - is you.

Every time you feel anger, resentment, jealousy, hostility, rising - whatch it.

Literally.

Then 'see' your thought, and 'think back at it:

"I don't care! let him, it's his life.... I'm the better person for dealing with this!

He's immature and juvenile, fine! If he's happy, then he's happy! But he's not going to bring me down to floor level, because I am soooo much better than that!"

 

His anger is his discomfort.

You can still be fiendly and smiling, and not let it get to you.

If he becomes rude and angry, just ask:

"Oh dear, is Mr Grumpy home today? What's rattled your cage, then?"

 

Be passive, but not submissive....

[TeacupMovinON]

You are right about the moving on... sometimes I do really well and other days when I get a big reminder I loose all the ground that I had made.

 

Thank you for the advice. I try so hard to let the negative things go. Sometimes its just tuff!

[TaraMaiden]

Do you know why we hold on to 'the negative things'...?

because it makes us feel justified in feeling sorry for ourselves.

 

it gives us a self-righteous feeling of having the right to be hurt/offended/angry.

It's great, because it feeds our ego.

But - it does it in a negative way.

It keeps us in a holding pattern of "I'm a victim and I'm right to be"......

All the while we nourish this 'poor me' attitude, we remain stuck in a pit of wallowing.

We think we deserve to feel sorry for ourselves, but, much as we think it's justified - it's also crippling.

I heard a wonderful saying once:

 

"Every minute we spend angry, is 60 seconds in which we could have been having a good time".

 

Think about that....

Your mood - is truly, your choice.

 

Look - for whatever reason, whatever you had, didn't work.

It wasn't meant to be, you weren't compatible, and it came to an end....

Whatever.

 

So what?

No, really.... tell me....

 

So what?

 

Are you less of a person than you were before?

Are you worse?

Are you damaged and beyond repair?

 

Of course not.

If anything, you've gained an experience, come to know yourself better, and grown at the same time.

You now know more things about yourself, which will go to construct a better relationship - with a better man for you - in the future.

 

Come on, shake it off!

 

learn to laugh at life again, and put your shoulders back, and greet things with a newer and better perspective!

[TeacupMovinON]

I so get what you are saying! Here's the thing: Wouldn't being friendly and forgiving someone who is not sorry make me seem like a push over. This man tells me he loves his girlfriend and all of the things that makes her better than me and then the next day asks if he can come 'visit' with me.

 

I just hate to offer kindness to someone who offers no respect. It makes me feel like I have no boundaries...

 

Whats ur take?

[CaliGuy]

My ex and I have been split for close to six months but we still have to work together. I have went thru all of the phases but now I seem to be stuck in the ANGER stage.

 

We dated close to two years. Lost a child during this time, took care of his children, had what I considered to be a very serious relationship. Lived together the whole 9. Two days after our break up he had a new woman, she was likely there all along!

 

That is not the part the angers me so much now...it's that mixed in with his total disrespect of me and my feelings. Bringing her to work where I will see her, posting I love you notes and pictures at his desk, making it obvious that she is the 'replacement'. It is humiliating on top of being just plain hurtful. I try very hard to keep my love life private.

 

He is kind most of the time at work and wants to have a friendly (sometimes too friendly) relationship but I think he has been such a PIG. I don't want to be angry, I feel guilty for it, but I am MAD. I hate seeming bitter but I can't bare to be a buddy to someone who treated me so poorly.

 

Any suggestions? Has anyone been in this situation?? HELP!!!

 

Well I can tell you that I am in a similar sitution though there was no lost child in the process. I think you should thank your lucky stars that it did not happen because then you'd be stuck with the child and a father who is dating someone else. Not a good situation.

 

I see my ex at work all the time. She used to have a ton of photos of the OTHER guy at work she is dating all over her desk but has since taken them down (partly because their relationship is rocky at best, partly because it's tacky and I am sure people complained).

 

You know what I do? I just flat out ignore her. She isn't a friend. I don't want/need her friendship. I mind my own business and I do my job. Every couple of months, when her b/f is treating her like crap, she'll try and spark up some small talk. Each time it's not because she wants to be with me, it's simply because she wants validation.

 

I have a great job but due to the economy I can't leave right now. But when the economy turns around and opportunities arise, I'll be leaving. Not because of her but because I should be making more money. I will tell you though, I will be glad to not have to see her every day and listen to her giggle like a school girl to her friends. No more seeing her walk past my desk right over to his and waste 1/2 of her day socializing.

 

Honestly she was never a good fit for me and I can see that now. I just wish that I hadn't dipped my pen in the company ink. I won't do it again that is for sure.

[TaraMaiden]

I so get what you are saying! Here's the thing: Wouldn't being friendly and forgiving someone who is not sorry make me seem like a push over. This man tells me he loves his girlfriend and all of the things that makes her better than me and then the next day asks if he can come 'visit' with me.

 

I just hate to offer kindness to someone who offers no respect. It makes me feel like I have no boundaries...

 

Whats ur take?

 

Caliguy?

He's so on the money...

Read his No Contact Guide (link at bottom of his post).

It's priceless.

[TeacupMovinON]

Well I can tell you that I am in a similar sitution though there was no lost child in the process. I think you should thank your lucky stars that it did not happen because then you'd be stuck with the child and a father who is dating someone else. Not a good situation.

 

I see my ex at work all the time. She used to have a ton of photos of the OTHER guy at work she is dating all over her desk but has since taken them down (partly because their relationship is rocky at best, partly because it's tacky and I am sure people complained).

 

You know what I do? I just flat out ignore her. She isn't a friend. I don't want/need her friendship. I mind my own business and I do my job. Every couple of months, when her b/f is treating her like crap, she'll try and spark up some small talk. Each time it's not because she wants to be with me, it's simply because she wants validation.

 

I have a great job but due to the economy I can't leave right now. But when the economy turns around and opportunities arise, I'll be leaving. Not because of her but because I should be making more money. I will tell you though, I will be glad to not have to see her every day and listen to her giggle like a school girl to her friends. No more seeing her walk past my desk right over to his and waste 1/2 of her day socializing.

 

Honestly she was never a good fit for me and I can see that now. I just wish that I hadn't dipped my pen in the company ink. I won't do it again that is for sure.

 

Wow, you really are in a very similar situation!! It's funny that you mentioned her giggling like a school girl. I get the very LOUD male version of that right outside of my office door. Add in the annoying clapping so that I am sure to hear him and well... you get the picture. Plus the inappropriate behaviors toward random women, right outside my office door, it just makes me want to barf. lol.

 

Ignore--that is what I will continue to do. Thank you for your post.

[CaliGuy]

Wow, you really are in a very similar situation!! It's funny that you mentioned her giggling like a school girl. I get the very LOUD male version of that right outside of my office door. Add in the annoying clapping so that I am sure to hear him and well... you get the picture. Plus the inappropriate behaviors toward random women, right outside my office door, it just makes me want to barf. lol.

 

Ignore--that is what I will continue to do. Thank you for your post.

 

You're welcome. My suggestion to you is if he starts to make small talk with you, tell him you have to go. If he asks why, tell him that unless the conversation is business related, you don't want to talk.

 

Implement NC as much as you can at work and start looking for another position. (read my NC guide below). Once you get out of there, take the lessons you have learned and apply them to future relationships (especially at work). A lot of people have met their spouses at work. I'm sure much more have failed than succeeded.

[trueblue72ny]

i work with my ex too. it really sucked at first, but 11 months later things are getting better. we dated just over 3 years. there are still good days and bad days. i went nc at first, but she broke it awhile back asking to be friends. i have been trying, but the jury is still out on how i feel about that. i am not thrilled to be honest. but i have been polite so far. i am probably still responding because neither of us are dating. if she was, i would probably pull the plug completely. if she was dating another person at the office i would never talk to her again. i would be too embarrassed. but for now i still get emails like clockwork. got one yeserday. its mostly dumb small talk. so i dont know, we will see what happens down the road. each situation is different. some days i wish i didnt ever have to see/talk to her again. some days it still makes me smile when i hear from her.

 

if my ex at work was throwing things in my face i would probably cut it off completely until such time as they were able to conduct themselves appropriately!!! that is bs!!!!!!