First date she lied about what she does.3 mos later its causing problems.

[canadaguy98]

Ok--

Nutshell of background. A year ago I broke up with a 9 yr fiancee.Was devastated.Met some girl after a few flings,she dropped a pregnancy on me.Girl turned out to be married.Found out later she lied to me about everything including CURRENT husband.Said girl miscarried,I ejected her from my life after a while.That girl out of my life.Started dating again online.Met few girls nothing special.Then looking for a roomate I met this fantastic girl not even while looking for dates...

 

Which leads me to today's question.

 

I met this fantastic girl. Lots of fun, young, sexy, I've had a great time with her. Given all I had been through before meeting her, I just took it real easy and was enjoying the moment being with someone I was having so much fun with. Both the sex and otherwise, this girl was just plain fun to be around.

 

The girl started coming over every day to my house, staying the night. I was looking for a roomate when I met her because I was a bit lonely and looking for some help with the rent during down economic times. I kept the rooms in the house unrented because I was enjoying my time with this girl and didnt want anything to get in the way (esp. because I was looking for a female roomate). Each day was great. We worked on the house, painted some of the rooms.

 

Eventually (2 months) she moved in a bunch of her furniture, bed, couches, etc. At this time she wasn't officially moving in but I could feel it coming. I was in no big rush to get her to move in with me, after what I had been through rushing things seemed like a bad idea. Plus I really liked this girl and didnt want to screw things up.

 

The ex-girl that got herself knocked up thats now gone (lied to me about contraceptives and marriage) left me a horrible financial mess. Hundreds unpaid on the gas, electric, internet, rent. I've been trying to clean it all up and running my home based business in crappy economic times it's been triple-hard. $6400 in extra payments later after 5 months, I'm still behind on some things. That girl was a nightmare (moved in with 3 kids, turned out to be unemployed).

 

 

The new girl and I have talked about moving in together this month, she is looking at her apartment which is now empty and doesnt make a whole lot of sense for her to keep paying for it when she lives here basically full time anyway. I would enjoy her to move in both for the company (which I currently enjoy every day) and also for the help in keeping the place (a 4 bdrm house).

 

I love the girl and she loves me. Which is what gets me to the question.

 

I've figured out that she lied to me about her job when we first met. She told me she worked in law enforcement for a federal agency and also was working undercover for another federal agency in the former job. This stuff came out the first night we met. It seemed a bit surreal but I didnt really care, I was having a lot of fun talking to this girl and probing her wasnt nearly as much fun as the talking and dancing in the living room so I just shrugged my shoulders and told her I didnt really care what she did. Turns out that she lied to me about working for any federal agency at all. She works for a private security contractor. She didnt lie to me about what she actually did (transporting immigration prisoners) but rather about how much money she makes, who she works for, her security clearance level and that she carries a firearm at work. Her "cheif" as I found out turns out to be the CEO of the security contractor company. Her boss is the business development manager for this company. I searched for his name on Google.

 

The reason I post here is this. She loves me a lot. I love her a lot. I dont think she thought that we would end up where we are today, ready to move in together and hitting nearly 3 months spending every day together. The first week she knew me she spun quite a tale, she's 8 years younger than me and I think she was trying to impress me. I'm the founder of the national scenario paintball club, I run my own business, I used to be a DJ. Security work is often frowned upon by people and maybe she was esp. afraid that I would frown upon it because she is a female.

 

But I can tell the tale that she has spun and keeping the "story" alive is killing her. We have gotten into some really nasty fights about a whole lot of nothing (me having friends over and talking about paintball, a conference call that I chaired for my club that overran by a half hour, whether or not we watched a movie, or played volleyball in the back yard, etc) and these fights have culimated in her disporportionately saying that we were done and that we were breaking up, that she was moving her stuff out and that we were done.

 

Each of these fights have culminated in her backing down on those things, and a period of tranquility. These fights seem to be getting worse as the "day" that she would move in gets nearer and nearer. I thought that maybe she was just being really reactive because of maybe losing some independence, but as I figured out what was happening it all makes sense. If she moves in with me still living the lie, then she knows she's going to eventually get found out and then things could really blow up in her face; if she doesn't have her own place to run to then she could end up in big trouble.

 

Thing is, I still dont really give a damn what she does. I enjoy this girl, her company and the way she treats me on a day to day basis. Obviously if we're going to move in together she is going to have to come clean on all of this so we can move forward like a regular couple. The "story" is killing her inside I can tell.

 

After the last big fight last night I wrote her a 8 page letter. I tried not to accuse her of lying to me, but interspersed in a bunch of lovey dovey mumbo jumbo (that I meant, dont get me wrong) I said that I could tell something was bugging her, eating her inside, and that if there was anything she should talk to me about it. I alluded that it could be something about her past, something about her job, something that was bothering her, but for the love of god talk to me about it. I said in the letter that if there was something about work, i'd keep my mouth shut about it, if she had lied to me that I would promise not to get mad and forgive her, or if there was something about her past she was afraid would come out that we'd work through it.

 

Thing is beyond that I'm tapped for options on how to give her the space to feel comfortable coming clean. I dont want to accuse her of lying, that will only trigger a defensive response. Neither of us really thought we'd get this serious this quick. I thought she was out of my league initially. She felt the same way. To watch this relationship explode over something so stupid as her job would be kind of sad. I dont give a damn what she does or how much money she makes. She could be a busker for all I care.

 

I just see that as "d-day" gets closer on the moving in thing she's getting wound tighter and tighter, using all these stupid reasons for why she is being bugged. Crap like whether or not I watered the flowers. Her reactions are becoming stronger and stronger, she's quicker and quicker to talk about breaking up. I can tell thats not what she wants.

 

How to I help give her the pair of balls to come forward so we can start. She's been really honest with me about everything else, even right down to whether or not one of her ex boyfriends have called or everything, other than this whole job thing her honesty has been so refreshing. Sometimes she's so honest about stuff while I appreciate it because I trust her not to be sleeping around or pining over ex-boyfriends I just listen but I dont really care to hear all the details.

 

What do I do? Let her just break up with me and hope that she comes clean after that? Keep doing what I'm doing? Lay it all out for her what I know? String her along and keep offering her a bone? I'm not sure. I can tell its killing her. We used to enjoy every day together it was magical. Now theres this hidden stress that she has, now that I've figured it out I want to put it to bed forever so we can get on with the life that we were having before she got all spooked that I'd figure it out.

[kingston]

Canadaguy,

 

I wouldn't worry too much about making her feel comfortable about it. It sounds like you've been hurt a few times recently in the past and you need to be thinking about yourself more. Is it really necessary for her to move in so fast? I know it saves money for both of you but that's never the best reason for living together after only knowing someone for 3 months, unless circumstances dictate a leap of faith by someone.

 

If you both live local, what's the rush? I would just ask her outright about the job or tell it through another story, you know...like, one of my friends is going out with this girl and she told him stories about her job and she thinks it's a big deal....that kind of thing. Third person the story to disassociate it.

 

The girl that i'm seeing right now told me she was in the military for whatever reason. I have no idea why. Anyway, she kept the pretence up for about 8 months and then told me over e-mail she coldn't come clean face to face. It was quite an elaborate ruse and I think becuase I was in a nice job she felt her proper job, in an office wasn't worthy enough. I couldn't care less to be honest. It's the person you like, not the money. My point is it gets you wondering what else they have lied about...things not worthy of lying about and it causes alot of instability in a relationship.

 

In any case, whichever way you play it I wouldn't have her moving in permanently in a relationship type sense right now if it can be avoided. It may be better for your relationship if you guys went slower and let thngs develop naturally...but hey! What do I know! lol

 

Cheers

[seibert253]

A relationship cannot survive with dishonesty hanging over your shoulder. You know this girl better than everyone, and I think you may have a pretty good idea about how to confront this. But, there's going to come a time when you are going to have to let her know, you know.

I like the letter thing. Might be best to just gradually lead her into it;

You know honey I can tell there is something bothering you, and if it bothers you, it bothers me. All I ask is you be honest with me, I love you and will continue to love you, but I cannot help you unless I know what's going on. Something like that.

Good Luck

[canadaguy98]

I like the letter thing. Might be best to just gradually lead her into it;

You know honey I can tell there is something bothering you, and if it bothers you, it bothers me. All I ask is you be honest with me, I love you and will continue to love you, but I cannot help you unless I know what's going on. Something like that.

Good Luck

 

Yeah thats the letter I left her this am. She called and even though the letter was 9 pages long, she was dialed right into that segment where I suggested that even if she had lied to me about something that if she told me I'd forgive her, stressing that I could tell something was eating her up from the inside and that if she needed to talk about it it would be OK. I beat around the bush a lot, and suggested that maybe something from the past, something bugging her at work, all sorts of different things, but the gist of it was that if something was bugging her and stressing her out that I would be more than willing to talk, and if need, forgive or compromise.

 

She was really dialed in in her responses when she called only on that one statement, which sort of vindicates what I already knew to be true. I downplayed it, and focused on the "something is bugging you, I can tell, whatever it is, I just want you to feel like you can talk to me about it" sort of line.

 

I really hope she can just come clean about it. Because I dont give a damn if she works for a security company or as the secret service on the prime minsters's security detail. I like the girl, not the money or the job.

 

Why the hell do they do this? My last ex did the same thing, yapped about how she used to work for US Homeland Security and carried a firearm and had her permit. Maybe the paintball? Lol. I dont even have a firearm permit. Why do they keep telling me that they have them??? *sheesh*