beyondsad Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Another thing that has changed is planning for the future. It use to be so easy and something I enjoyed doing. We both had so many common interests - me being a adventuress - sporty wife and the mother of boys. Now when we talk about purchasing a new big item that we plan on having for many years I find myself thinking do I really want to get into this in case it doesn't work out? I asked him last night - what if you decide your not happy again. May be we should wait to make sure . That really sucks - For 14 years vacations, weekend adventures were so easily planned and completed NOW I find myself second guessing everything. Hmmm should I really make those reservations . He is trying so hard to make everything ok but his infidelity has forever changed ever thing in our lives. I so miss the carefree days of thinking that he s the one now - just not so sure!!!
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Let me guess he had some sort of mid life crisis? He left yolu then came back? Now your second guessing things.
Author beyondsad Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 He had A- she informed me - he immediately went NC - 9 months of R - he's been kissing ass since. Same sad story -it sucks!! Looking back it still amazes me that I let him stay. The A was out of character and totally surprised me. His excuse was he hadn't been happy for a while (never mentioned it to me). I think he just got caught is the answer. Overall he is a good H and father, we had /have a good life lots of activities super cool kids and when push came to shove it was just a piece of ass or why wouldn't he have stayed with her. It's the trying to get my life back phase with out overanalyzing everything now. It is just hard to think of a future when your H of 14 yrs turns out to be a cheater. And I guess I am still mad at myself for not dumping him. Crazy train- I just hope that if all goes well I become that carefree person again. I am just starting to laugh and smile again but far from the woman I was. Does anyone ever become their former self again.
Spark1111 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Beyond Sad, I think the answer is yes.....and no. In the course of reconciling with my BS, there is/was a long period of mourning: mourning the relationship you thought you had, mourning the loss of the person you thought you knew and mourning the carefree, secure, and trusting person you use to be. I understand your ambivalence completely. I too did not want to make major purchases, improve the house, plan for anything other than the next five minutes because I remained unsure whether I was staying in the relationship or not. All of this is perfectly normal. When your trust has been betrayed in the worst manner possible, it takes a long time to decide if you want a future with this person or not. Can you ever trust them again? I have decided it is okay to not decide today how my future will be and I tell him this; The jury is still out. We will see. I love you, but I do not trust you enough yet to make future plans or purchases with you. We need to keep working on us. As time has gone on and we continue to attend IC and MC, I slowly am beginning to feel more confident about a future with him. It has been almost two years since DDay. Don't be so hard on yourself. There are many more days of mourning and feeling sorry for yourself. You have every right to and you should communicate them to him. But the good days will begin to outweigh the bad days, I promise. In time, you should be able to get a sense of whether you still want a future with him or not. Good luck to you. I know exactly how it feels.
jany Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Why did the OW informed you? I'm curious. Was it to get back at him?
65tr6 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Does anyone ever become their former self again. why would you want to go back to former self ? Create a new YOU.
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 You can still change your mind at anytime. Maybe separation for a while would do you both good? Don't feel that you have to stay married, have to forgive and forget. Some people can't get past it, and that's OK.
tami-chan Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Beyondsad, I was the same. I just didn't feel the same towards my H after D-day. He tried...but I was just not there anymore. Still, it wasn't enough for me to file for divorce-perhaps because I was very young and inexperienced and "didn't know better". Still all my plans for the future is entirely based on me and my daughter-he does not really figure in my plans. Yet, at one point I actually thought we would make good companions in our old age ( him first before me--lol... I am many years younger than him ), since most of the time we are pleasant to each other.
Author beyondsad Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Jany - The OW sent me a letter because I think she was pushing my H to commit to her. She kicked her H out and thought she would replace him with mine. When I confronted him he threw her under the bus and begged for forgiveness. The OW lives in our small town and for months after made a point ever telling everyone about how broken hearted she was. After reconsiling with her H I actually feel the most sorry for her husband. I have talked to him and he is a really nice guy with a whore for a wife. Looking at the entire nasty situation - in some weird twilight zone way my H realized how good he has it and what a nightmare his life would have been if he picked her. Again I think it was just a piece of ass. It says alot about character that he cheated but I know sex isn't love and H seems to be doing everything he can to make a future. He wants to make a big purchase that would require our combined income. He says that it is part of our future and that we are back on track working on our long term plans . In the past I was the one who pushed for those things now I am the skeptical one thinking - maybe we should wait. What a head trip. 65tr6 - I liked who I used to be but she is forever gone so good advice - I do need to create a new me!!
hopereys Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Another thing that has changed is planning for the future. It use to be so easy and something I enjoyed doing. We both had so many common interests - me being a adventuress - sporty wife and the mother of boys. Now when we talk about purchasing a new big item that we plan on having for many years I find myself thinking do I really want to get into this in case it doesn't work out? I asked him last night - what if you decide your not happy again. May be we should wait to make sure . That really sucks - For 14 years vacations, weekend adventures were so easily planned and completed NOW I find myself second guessing everything. Hmmm should I really make those reservations . He is trying so hard to make everything ok but his infidelity has forever changed ever thing in our lives. I so miss the carefree days of thinking that he s the one now - just not so sure!!! Hello again FYI just wanted to let u know planning for the future is the same for me. Because to be honost I just don't know if I'm strong enough to have a "future" with him. So what I do is plan some what of a future with him but am prepared to have a future with just my daughters and myself. This is going to sound crazy but there are times that I feel like the best revenge would be for my husband to spend his future with the woman he risked our entire family four. She will give him what ever he wants sex on demand, three somes, you name it. But in the big picture his life in nothing with out us (our daughters and I). I sit back and think of what a life he would have with her they could lie to one another, cheat on one another, have lots of drama, but at least it would be equal. I never signed up this however they both did.
Athena Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Does anyone ever become their former self again. No, I don't believe so. When you have lived though a traumatic life experience at the hand of one you loved and trusted, how can you ever see life the same way? And even worse if you continue with the marriage you both do a Regression Towards The Mean --> he becomes a little bit better of a person because of you, but you become a little bit worse a version of yourself. You both average out a little. Ugh. I was reading some rape survivor stories on some website referenced on the loveshack boards, and read how the women felt about their attacks. These events stayed with the women for decades after, long after any physical attacks had healed, the emotional scarring was still there... and the same I believe for victims of Infidelity... you just never are the same... and I don't see that as something good, as in having 'an opportunity' to you making a 'better' version of yourself... just like the rape victims, who the hell wants to suffer and have their sense of trust, safety, and self damaged for evermore?
Spark1111 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 So true Athena, but what is the alternative? Either you create a better you and a better life for you or you what? Live with sadness, pain, low-self-esteem and a bleak and bitter outlook on life. This is a choice every victim of emotional and physical trauma must make, regardless of what happens to the relationship.
Author beyondsad Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 I find creating a new me is alot harder than I imagined. I mourn the old me daily. It is comforting to know that what I am experiencing is shared by others. His infidelity has become apart of me and who I am. At 10 months it influences everything about me. Going forward seems to be sometimes going thru the motions. When my mind won't turn off and I think about her and am unable to block the bad feelings I tell myself to stop but it doesn't work.. I just don't know why he wants to stay with me now when I am miserable, and cheated on me when I was at my best. How f-d is that. I carry this scar on my I feel it as visible as if it was a burn scar. I feel everyone can see but yet look away. Sometimes I am hurting so bad inside but try so hard to not let it show. My kids don't need to see me upset - my H doesn't know what to say so I just try my best to get thru my days. Finding joy seems to be some much effort. Maybe I am just on the fence and still not sure I won't this M to work after all. Sorry for the rambling - It is so hard to come terms with this person I have become and the way this has all played out.
Athena Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 I find creating a new me is alot harder than I imagined. I mourn the old me daily. It is comforting to know that what I am experiencing is shared by others. His infidelity has become apart of me and who I am. At 10 months it influences everything about me. Going forward seems to be sometimes going thru the motions. When my mind won't turn off and I think about her and am unable to block the bad feelings I tell myself to stop but it doesn't work.. I just don't know why he wants to stay with me now when I am miserable, and cheated on me when I was at my best. How f-d is that. I carry this scar on my I feel it as visible as if it was a burn scar. I feel everyone can see but yet look away. Sometimes I am hurting so bad inside but try so hard to not let it show. My kids don't need to see me upset - my H doesn't know what to say so I just try my best to get thru my days. Finding joy seems to be some much effort. Maybe I am just on the fence and still not sure I won't this M to work after all. Sorry for the rambling - It is so hard to come terms with this person I have become and the way this has all played out. Believe me, I hear what you are saying...
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