I want her back and have tried everything

[drawmonkey]

I dated a woman for 10 months. We broke up 3 months ago and I still want her back. i have tried everything but so far nothing has worked. We are trying to be friends, but it's so very hard for me, I love her dearly and want to marry her. I can't focus on work or anything else...I think of her day and night. I'm trying to date, but my heart isn't in it, and it kills me to know shes dating other men. I'm so heart broken and in so much pain.

[Girlygal]

Why did you guys break up? Was there something that happened, or is it a case of shes just not that into you?

 

Sometimes guys can be a bit to persitant, maybe take a few steps back and give her some space, if she is feeling like you are being to clingy it could push her further away.

 

If we knew the reason for the breakup we could be of better help.

[CaliGuy]

You need to read the links in my signature. You can't make someone want or love you. They either do or they don't. You can however make them NOT want you by pursuing them when they are not interested in a reconcilliation at the moment.

[drawmonkey]

I'll put up a more in-depth explanation soon. I started writing one and it just got too meandering and long. I need to make it a bit more concise...you folks don't want to read a book of my life, I know.

 

But the short answer is: we were very close, things got dicey at the end due to personal problems in our individual lives and we had a break up where each person mistakenly thought the other dumped them. I tried for months to very softly get us back to talking, but we hit more bumps along the way and it was almost 2 months later before I finally laid it all on the line and pursued her hard. But she thought it was too late and won't get back with me.

 

There's a lot of anger and resentment from her...but she obviously still cares. As do I obviously.

 

but like I said, I'll get into greater detail later.

[CaliGuy]

I'll put up a more in-depth explanation soon. I started writing one and it just got too meandering and long. I need to make it a bit more concise...you folks don't want to read a book of my life, I know.

 

But the short answer is: we were very close, things got dicey at the end due to personal problems in our individual lives and we had a break up where each person mistakenly thought the other dumped them. I tried for months to very softly get us back to talking, but we hit more bumps along the way and it was almost 2 months later before I finally laid it all on the line and pursued her hard. But she thought it was too late and won't get back with me.

 

There's a lot of anger and resentment from her...but she obviously still cares. As do I obviously.

 

but like I said, I'll get into greater detail later.

 

Circumstances mean very little. I mean, you can type out the whole "what happened" scenario but the bottom line is what I said earlier. You can't make someone love you. What you are doing, by pursuing her, is pushing her further away. You are making the attraction she once had turn into apathy and loathing. That is what happens when you lay your self-respect down and do "everything" to win someone back. The end result is almost always exactly the opposite of what you were trying to accomplish.

 

At this point I would say the "damage is done." Stop putting so much focus and energy on trying to "figure her out" and "win her back." These are things you have no control over. If she wants you, it will be on her own, after a long period of no contact. More than likely, once you are dating someone else (exs always seem to know).

 

I ask this of everyone who's been dumped: "Why are you making someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option?" If she wanted to be with you, she would be and neither hell nor high water would stop her from finding you. She isn't doing that so any effort on your part to "get her there" will be wasted emotional energy.

 

You simply do not have any control over her or her feelings.

[drawmonkey]

Good points. Though she calls me often, and we are having dinner next week. She does seem jealous that I, too am dating (she even views my Match profile several times a week) and last night she was very passive aggressive and obviously uncomfortable with the fact that my new roommate will be female (which is ironic as her roommate is male).

 

I do agree pursuing her as I did had negative effects. But it did lead to us having MANY discussions and getting a lot of things off our chests and out into the open. So I can't regret it at this point.

 

But I am backing of for the most part. I'm not talking relationship stuff with her, just day to day, work, friends, etc. Mainly HER work and friends.

 

Funny aside about meeting next week: I had to call and reschedule our meeting because I realized it ironically fell on the one year anniversary of our first date. I was ok with that but she was too freaked out. She wouldn't have remembered had I not told her, but I would have felt like a liar if i hadn't. I'm glad I told her, and so was she.

 

One reason I pursued her so hard is that she is moving back home at the end of August, and this created a sort of deadline for me. I figured, if we are talking/friends/back together before she leaves, 90 minutes away is not that far. If not, then she might as well be in China.

 

I literally have women lining up to go out with me, but I feel very dishonest about the whole thing as I don't feel like I'm going to give anyone a real chance. And many of these women KNOW my situation and that just seems to drive them harder towards me.

 

And yet, I'm so lonely without Cate, and so in need of distractions that don't involve drinking myself to death, that I end up going out with someone at least once a week (have a date tomorrow and monday, in fact). But I guess that's a whole separate issue, isn't it?

[Girlygal]

I don't seem to be grasping this correctly, do you want to be with her or move on from her? You are both dating other people (which seems to clearly be hurting each other) yet you both are remaining in constant contact with each other. To me, as a female, i am not sure that i could handle that. If you have already had several heart to hearts with her and explained to her that the breakup was a mistake and that you love her, i am not sure where else you can go.

 

I am going to have to agree with Caliguy, you cannot make someone love you. If she is not receptive to the relationship then it is time to move on and forward. While it may hurt for a bit you will eventually get over it, and as you have stated "i have girls lining up" (a bit egotistical) then finding someone new should be no problem for you.

 

But as a thought:

 

When trying to woo a girl back to you it is best done when single, not while trolling for another girl.

[drawmonkey]

Yeah, you're not grasping it correctly, I guess. I want to be with her, but she does not want that (in her words "date you right now"). I'm only trying dating, as I said, because I'm lonely really. Not the best reason, I know. And I also assume that a good way to move on is to meet new people. But the truth is, i do not want to move on. But as you said, I've done all I can at the moment on that front.

 

And she says every time we talk that she loves me. She just is holding onto anger and pride for the most part. Also, she has been convinced by a friend that "just because she loves me that doesn't mean we have to be together".

 

That comment was not really meant to be so much egotistical, but a humorous hyperbole (I try to be funny, but sarcasm never does translate well to text, does it?). The point I was making was, no i won't have a problem finding someone "new"...however, people aren't Lego pieces. I don't want someone "new" I want the person I love.

 

I am single and have been for all these months. I would not have tried to get Cate back if I were seeing someone. I've gone on 3 very casual dates, but my heart has not been in it. But now there's no real reason in regards to Cate that I should not date, is there? (Certainly a case can be made that I shouldn't date if I'm not sure I'm ready and all that, but for Cate's sake? No real reason).

[northstar1]

Yeah, you're not grasping it correctly, I guess. I want to be with her, but she does not want that (in her words "date you right now"). I'm only trying dating, as I said, because I'm lonely really. Not the best reason, I know. And I also assume that a good way to move on is to meet new people. But the truth is, i do not want to move on. But as you said, I've done all I can at the moment on that front.

 

And she says every time we talk that she loves me. She just is holding onto anger and pride for the most part. Also, she has been convinced by a friend that "just because she loves me that doesn't mean we have to be together".

 

That comment was not really meant to be so much egotistical, but a humorous hyperbole (I try to be funny, but sarcasm never does translate well to text, does it?). The point I was making was, no i won't have a problem finding someone "new"...however, people aren't Lego pieces. I don't want someone "new" I want the person I love.

 

I am single and have been for all these months. I would not have tried to get Cate back if I were seeing someone. I've gone on 3 very casual dates, but my heart has not been in it. But now there's no real reason in regards to Cate that I should not date, is there? (Certainly a case can be made that I shouldn't date if I'm not sure I'm ready and all that, but for Cate's sake? No real reason).

 

Honestly, Caliguy is dead on the money.

You really need to cease contact entirely. For both your sakes.

You need separation mentally and emotionally.

 

Back off, do your own thing - this doesn't mean you need to date, but keep yourself busy.

During this no contact, maybe she will let go of her anger and want to try a reconcilliation, or maybe not.

But in the meantime, you need to heal without this contact - it's doing neither of you any good.

 

If she ultimately decides it's over forever, then you'll have had a chance to heal, find yourself and get some separation.

[Girlygal]

i got it now, i think. My heart is breaking a bit for you You seem like a genuine person, i truly hope that you can find some solace in something. Try working out, it is a widely known fact that exercise releases endorphins, endorphins make people happy, plus its a great place to meet new friends. And friends are always a good thing to have.

 

I apologize for saying you were being egotistical (my attempt at humor!) I think it is a good thing to have a healthy out look of ones self. And i also understand the dating to not be lonely, although it has been a long time since i was single i can still remeber what it was like. I spent alot of time with my dog back in my single days, he was a great companion (i miss him a ton!) and getting out doors with him was always a blast.

 

I know it may be a hard thing to do, but you need to move on with your life. Dont allow this relationship to leave you stagnant in life, go out and enjoy, and who knows, perhaps in time once she has healed, you guys could rekindle.

[drawmonkey]

Well, the last week has been a whirlwind. I really did a lot of thinking and got myself in the necessary head space to distance myself from that longing for Cate.

 

I went on a date last friday with someone new and we've really hit it off. We may be moving a bit fast as we've seen each other 3 times this week after the first date and are going to be together tonight as well. But, we both seem to be aware that this is odd and moving kind of fast, so I think we'll do ok. Open but cautious.

 

As far as Cate goes, she has had her sister spying on my facebook page for awhile and she didn't react very well to my going out with this new girl. We were still set to have dinner this week, but she cancelled. However, the other day we ran into each other at the grocery store, talked a long while and ended up having a nice, friendly dinner last night. Things seem to be ok now a far as us being friends. So that's nice.

 

There's still obviously some unresolved feelings on my part, and Cate seems to be having second thoughts about all this now based on her anger, passive aggressive comments and her cyber spying on me (including viewing my Match profile many times a day).

 

For my part, I'd like to remain friends but try explore this new relationship and see if I can truly move on.

 

But all in all this week has been really good for me.

[Art_Critic]

You haven't tried everything......

 

Stop being her friend.. that is just crazy.. you can't be friends with someone that you either want to slip the salami to or someone you used to slip it to..

 

Stop talking with her period..

 

It's called No Contact..

 

You stop talking to her for a long time.. not weeks but months and go about your life.. start dating.. then see what happens...

 

Trying anything other than NC is fruitless and being friends.. who wants to be a girls friend.. you want to see her naked don't you ? Well.. friends don't get to see other friends naked

[Nuala83]

 

Who wants to be a girls friend..

 

Really Art Critic?

 

Does that mean you don't have any female friends?? I don't think I've ever known a guy that didn't have female friends or a girl that didn't have guy friends. Weird!

[001bh]

That's pretty messed up and shallow Art_Critic. Is that why you're on this forum? Trying to find something to slip the salami into?

[CaliGuy]

That's pretty messed up and shallow Art_Critic. Is that why you're on this forum? Trying to find something to slip the salami into?

 

He's actually just being brutally honest. If you know AC you know that he is trying to mix in humor with solid advice.

 

He's right. You can't be friends with someone you are in love with. NC is the only way to go. You can't make someone love you. You can make them miss you but it doesn't mean they will come back.

 

Besides, they already took you for granted once. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't see any value in you? There's someone else out there who will. Find them and stop wasting your time on someone who doesn't love you the way that you love them.

[samspade]

Yeah, you're not grasping it correctly, I guess. I want to be with her, but she does not want that (in her words "date you right now")

 

OP, this is all you need to know. Everything else is filler. As Cali said, you can't make someone love you. You have oneitis and need to get over it...dating will help, but if you're not over your ex, it may be too early. Just cut all contact with her so you can move forward. And yes, read Cali Guy's guides to No Contact. You'll get there, trust me.

 

And I agree with Art Critic. You're not interested in being her friend, so reject her consolation prize of "friendship" at least until you can handle it emotionally. That day may never come, but in the meantime, you don't need your ex as a friend. I'm sure you have other friends.

[drawmonkey]

Well, the point of my last post was that I think I'm finally ok with moving on and giving up on romantic connections to Cate. In fact, this new person I'm dating and I spent 30 straight hours together Friday night and Saturday. I've moved on, I think.

 

I do still care about Cate and cherish the friendship. And I'm sorry, you totally can be friends with people you're attracted to. Most of my friends are female, and a good portion of them are amazingly attractive. Some of them I have actually dated in the past. Hell, my best friend is someone I've dated. So I beg to differ. At the very least I am able to be friend's with women, even ones I find attractive. Whether that invalidates the rule or makes me the exception, I don't know.

 

I do, however, get what you're saying and I'm beginning to begrudgingly think I may have to stop talking to Cate. She's obviously begun to rethink her position on our relationship (though only after i started a new one). Last night she drunkenly texted and called me from a wedding telling me "weddings are no fun without you" among other things. Being her friend feels healthy for me, but it may not be for her.

 

On the NC and "you have other friend's tip: Again, people aren't interchangeable Lego blocks. In my mind, saying "drop a friend and just swap in another" devalues the concept of friendship and the real personal relationship one specific person has with another specific person. In trying to retain our friendship, I'm not trying to fill a spot on a list, I'm trying to maintain a very specific and unique friendship that I found very meaningful, outside of the romantic entanglements.

 

Thanks for all the advice, folks. It is appreciated.

[wow123]

Read my post. You say she knows you're seeing someone else and has begun to rethink things. She may just be texting you because she doesn't want you to move on and forget about her. Unless she calls you and says she made a huge mistake and loves you assume she is trying to screw up your new relationship.

[asuman]

Nothing CaliGuy has said here was incorrect. Read and reread. He echoes the sentiments of many of us, including me who is in a somewhat comparable (though still very different) situation.

 

After a 3-year relationship of mine ended once, I tried very hard to "win her back". I failed to follow NC, and didn't even follow LC. Because her feelings were mixed, she wavered quite a bit too and we continued seeing each other and even sleeping with each other now and then. But for the most part, she was done with me, and I know now that my anguish and efforts made things really hard on her, which she came to resent. In hindsight, I may have actually won her back had I just backed off completely and left her alone. Probably not, but my point is that if I had a shot it would've been through NC, and not through the Beaches of Normandy campaign I waged to change her mind.

 

You can't force it. Leave her alone. She will only come back to you if you stop chasing after her like a whimpering puppy. Girls don't like whimpering puppies. They like the side of you that is strong, confident, resilient and charming. That side doesn't exist as long as you are pining after her.

[mr.dream merchant]

If there's one thing I learned painfully through my own breakup with my ex-GF was that you can't convince someone to be with you. When your most beloved wants to leave the best and most loving thing you can do is let them go. Because the more and more you fight to make them stay, the harder it hits home when they don't want to and make it known. NC is important for various reasons. All of these reasons do not include getting your ex back. NC is about getting yourself back. I remember when I would make that random phone call, or text, or email. The day would pass and I'd be waiting for a reply but never got one. It hurt so much I'd break down into tears because when you reach out to your loved one, and they don't respond, it reminds you of the love they lost for you, and it hurts you so much and feels as if it knocked you back to square one. Take it from me, and others who have been down this road numerous times, when your loved one wants to walk away from you, let it be man...just let it be. If she comes back then what you two shared may have been love, but if she doesn't come back then its safe to say you never had her in the first place.

[Leveller]

In hindsight, I may have actually won her back had I just backed off completely and left her alone. Probably not, but my point is that if I had a shot it would've been through NC, and not through the Beaches of Normandy campaign I waged to change her mind.

 

You can't force it. Leave her alone. She will only come back to you if you stop chasing after her like a whimpering puppy. Girls don't like whimpering puppies. They like the side of you that is strong, confident, resilient and charming. That side doesn't exist as long as you are pining after her.

 

Good advice and I love this quote about the Beaches of Normandy campaign.