whytryanymore Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 hey everybody im still bearly 15 so bear with me and the stupid mistakes i make/made. try to help me correct them. um the problem i have is there is this girl i loved and i mean truthfully loved and i have loved for almost a year, if you read my other post you can just see how much.. anyways, i was with this girl for a few months and we talked literally everyday on the phone and texted eachother ALOT. when school started she didnt talk to me at all until i finally got the nerve to ask her, she said that i meant the world to her for a long time n everything n alot of other things. i tried twice to send her messages thru myspace, she responded once or twice, but didnt put any effort into the messages n would just say things like "nothing" or "yea". it wasnt until recently i told her how i felt about her, it wasnt out of the blue so dont worry. but i told her i thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world n that n i guess that i still thought that, and that i used to think about her alot during the school year, (i didnt make so as clingy). n that she really changed me, and my life n how i would miss her if i left. she told me that she didnt know what to say, n that she knows shes been a jerk to me and that she was sorry, i told her all these things that when i first saw her i thought she was an angel and all this "love stuff" its been along time since we were together and idk if i should keep torturing myself and keep getting hurt whenever i see her happy with another guy.. idk if i message her i think she gets that feeling that someone you don't like but you don't hate, texts you so you think, "ugh, i dont want to talk to them" or something like that. but in-person you're ok. but she truly has changed me and i need to show her that, i think if i got one more chance to show her who i am, things would be alot better again.. now tell me what i should do or what am i doing wrong or if i should just finally move on?
hoping2heal Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Your feelings are not returned, so the best thing to do is move on. Continuing to persue her is only going to keep giving her that "ugh" feeling you mentioned. You may feel you deeply loved this girl, but she doesn't have those feelings back. So you need to let this one go.
Author whytryanymore Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Your feelings are not returned, so the best thing to do is move on. Continuing to persue her is only going to keep giving her that "ugh" feeling you mentioned. You may feel you deeply loved this girl, but she doesn't have those feelings back. So you need to let this one go. but when we used to talk to eachother, SHE used to message me n text me first. honestly im not looking to get back with her as a couple, im just looking to atleast be good friends like how we were. My final question to you guys - how do I kill the hope? I cant stop reading posts about second chances and rebounds and trying to convince myself that there might be a chance. It's as if my brain has made the decision that this is the girl I should have married and it's not letting go. Rationally I know that the chances are slim but whenever i see her its like i go back to missing her.
Ronni_W Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 WhyTry, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I do want to congratulate you, though, for being so open to learning about relationships, increasing your self-awareness, and developing your understanding of matters related to the heart. That is just so...really wonderful, and you can be very pleased and proud of yourself! honestly im not looking to get back with her as a couple, im just looking to atleast be good friends like how we were. The problem is that when you know somebody likes/loves you more than you do them, it can be a very uncomfortable feeling trying to be friends with them. It's that you're afraid to do something that will give them any false hope -- maybe they will misinterpret if you act nice towards them, then they'd feel even worse/more disappointed and hurt, and you just don't want to risk that. Unfortunately, even if you think and tell her that you won't misinterpret stuff, there isn't anything to guarantee that you won't, so the chance of it still too great. We could understand her concerns about hurting you even more. It doesn't matter that she USED TO text you first. It's always better to just take what is going on in the present, and make decisions and choices based on that. And there's no point trying to get in her (or anyone's) head and make up stuff about what they might be thinking or how they could be perceiving you. My best guess is that she's avoiding you more to not hurt you, currently or in the future. It's fair enough because she's doing it from good intentions. I know it still sucks, though. The good news is that you know you have the capacity to give and receive romantic love, and you've done some great learning from this one. I know it still sucks, though. Sending hugs and good wishes.
Author whytryanymore Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 WhyTry. My best guess is that she's avoiding you more to not hurt you, currently or in the future. It's fair enough because she's doing it from good intentions. I know it still sucks, though. Thanks, your response truly helped me. but i would like to think it as that, that maybe she cared about what i felt. but whenever i talk to her i get the feeling that shes only not talking to me full-heartedly because she KNOWS that she could get with me anytime as like a "plan-B" i guess, or maybe because i seem to clingy and she doesnt want someone like that talking to her. but if i just got to talk to her i think it would change some that in SOME way. and another thing. You're right about me always trying to get into her head and what she thinks of me. i've been hurt so much just by myself always thinking, "why did she say that?" "does she think im not good enough for her?" or "why didnt she respond to my message?" and sometimes i think im almost annoying her, n things like that and how im perceived to her. the way i think she perceives me is an old ex that is clinging on and trying to get with her again. and sometimes it feels like we are not even friends even though shes said that she still thinks as me as one. to be honest, im not one to care what other people think, but i dont know, with her its like, "maybe i could brighten my image." i hope you understand. thanks. sorry for making this long and i hope that you respond, thanks again
boogieboy Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Heres the problem. You were too nice and loving to her. When you do this too much, it turns a girl off. Thats why she left you. She has no feelings for you anymore, so there are no second chances. When you try to contact her, you push her further away because at this point you become a nuisanse to her. She thinks of you as a pain in the ass now, when shes trying to move on. But shes a girl, she doesnt like the thought of anyone hating her (even though she doesnt want to hear from you) so she wont tell you straight up to stop contacting her. Shes a coward. Anything you say to her now means nothing to her. She has another guy, and she'd rather hear those things from HIM. So you are totally out of the picture. She doesnt respond to your messages because she knows you will just beg her, and she doesnt want to deal with it. Youre gonna learn the hard way that you cant be too nice all the time, you cant profess your love for her constantly, you cant be available for her all the time, and you have to give her the chance to feel like she HAS to prove to you how she feels. She will need a challenge. Remember that for your next GF. What you need to do is stop contacting her, and dont let her contact you. You have already taken this too far and youve taken the clingyness to Mt. Vesuvius heights. But its ok, you live and you learn.
on edge Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 now tell me what i should do or what am i doing wrong or if i should just finally move on? Move on, and stop messaging her. Maybe (that's a big maybe) she will come around in the future, but if you keep messaging her that will never happen.
Author whytryanymore Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Heres the problem. You were too nice and loving to her. When you do this too much, it turns a girl off. Thats why she left you. She has no feelings for you anymore, so there are no second chances. When you try to contact her, you push her further away because at this point you become a nuisanse to her. She thinks of you as a pain in the ass now, when shes trying to move on. But shes a girl, she doesnt like the thought of anyone hating her (even though she doesnt want to hear from you) so she wont tell you straight up to stop contacting her. Shes a coward. Anything you say to her now means nothing to her. She has another guy, and she'd rather hear those things from HIM. So you are totally out of the picture. She doesnt respond to your messages because she knows you will just beg her, and she doesnt want to deal with it. Youre gonna learn the hard way that you cant be too nice all the time, you cant profess your love for her constantly, you cant be available for her all the time, and you have to give her the chance to feel like she HAS to prove to you how she feels. She will need a challenge. Remember that for your next GF. What you need to do is stop contacting her, and dont let her contact you. You have already taken this too far and youve taken the clingyness to Mt. Vesuvius heights. But its ok, you live and you learn. thanks, the truth hurts i know. ive learned alot from this situation actually. i think im just not allowing myself to forget about her, the reason i told her only recently how i felt about her was because i had never did. but i knew for SURE that it was already to late. i guess to her it was just a guy talking to her about how pretty she was and how desperate i seemed. thanks for all your responses, 2 very different responses but they all have helped me, one saying she is pushing me away because she cares for me, the other because she doesnt care at all about me but personally, im leaning on that not care one which is fine. BTW, i already tried NC for a few months, didnt work. she just got more unattached. i think this is the biggest sign that i need to move on.
Jester268 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 You should move on. You're 15. You need to go out and be with other girls. As a side effect as soon as she sees that she will most likely want to be with you because she is also 15, but honestly at that point you may not want to be with her so her loss. Don't get too trapped "in love" at your age. Have a good time. Make some friends. And be safe.
Ronni_W Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Whytry, I know it is difficult to accept, but the point is that she is NOT talking to you "full-heartedly" right now. That is her signal and your evidence that she does not wish to have a close friendship with you. Whether it's cos she's looking at you like her "plan B guy" or whatever doesn't change the basic fact: she appears to NOT want the same type of friendship with you that you want with her. I agree with you that she cared about what you felt. But that is in the past tense. Her feelings of caring have changed. I know it is difficult for your heart and mind to accept but it would be good if you can respect the message that you're getting from her: she does not wish to have a close friendship with you. but if i just got to talk to her i think it would change some that in SOME way. Trying so hard to get people to change their minds about something, even if it is very important to you, is controlling and manipulative behaviour. I know that's not in your mind, but it still is you thinking about changing her mind...and that IS you wanting to control how she's thinking/feeling. It's the same thing with you wanting to brighten her image of you -- she has whatever image she has. YOU have decided that it isn't a nice/good image, but that is just you guessing and making assumptions. Probably because YOUR OWN image of yourself right now isn't very positive -- is that right? i think she perceives me is an old ex that is clinging on and trying to get with her again.Again, that's just you guessing...it is not a known fact but just your assumption. Is it possible that YOU are perceiving yourself that way? In any case, it is the way that you are acting. The important thing that you need to decide for yourself is: Is that the way you want to continue to act? Unfortunately, and even though you really want it, you are NOT friends. Especially you're not friends the way you guys used to be. If you could come to acceptance that Life moves on and things change, that likely will be in your own best interest. You cannot talk somebody into liking/loving you, or wanting to be your friend. Sometimes you cannot "go back" to how things used to be, and sometimes Life does NOT deliver what you want. It is an important life skill to learn how to cope with inevitable disappointments without losing self-confidence and self-esteem, and without acting needy and clingy. I know it is all so difficult. Sending hugs.
Author whytryanymore Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Whytry, Again, that's just you guessing...it is not a known fact but just your assumption. Is it possible that YOU are perceiving yourself that way? In any case, it is the way that you are acting. The important thing that you need to decide for yourself is: Is that the way you want to continue to act? thanks for your reply and yeah pretty much, everytime i think of her i always think of me walking up to her and saying "hi" and she would just say "ugh" and walk away even though she would never do that. but thats the way i perceive myself to be to her. and in no way do i want to seem as if im clinging onto her, but it hurts so much to not just go up and ask, "what happened to us?" i never will ask her this, but to me, it seems like if i ever did she would say, "what are you talking about?". she would know what im talking about of course, but something tells me she would say that, like she wasnt going to really recognize "us" anymore. i dont know why but that thought always is in my head. but im going to not try talking to her anymore or looking at her or anything for a longg time. then ill see what happens. thanks again.
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