Beyond Broken Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Why is it that when I have someone, i dont want them, and when I dont have them, i want them? It has been this way my whole life. It is a vicious cycle. I get involved with a girl, we start to begin a relationship with each other, and as soon as I feel secure, I push away. Granted my previous relationship was pretty psycho, and I'm still having trouble letting her go as of now... Some of you know me I guess.
Exit Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I am the same way. I did a lot of things wrong in my relationship and I know on some subconscious level I was doing it on purpose. Then when she leaves I want her back so bad and it kills me. I think I am playing some sick game with myself seeing how much people can take and still come back to me. No I'm not a huge jerk, I'm not doing this CONSCIOUSLY, I'm just starting to notice this pattern in my relationships. When I was with her, we would fight, and I'd tell her to go home, and now that she's gone, I sit here torturing myself thinking "if we could work things out I would never ever tell her to go home again".
hopesndreams Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Sounds like immaturity, on your part..how old are you?
Author Beyond Broken Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I'm not young... Just turned 40. Was married for 7 years... And 2 more serious relationships since... The woman I just kicked out of my life is only 23.
LisaUk Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Hi, google Stephen carter and see if you think it's you? Before anyone shoots me down in flames, yes a CP can marry, they feel trapped afterwards! Each CP has their own trigger point, I know some on here don't believe in CP but I think the evidence speaks for itself.
LisaUk Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Hi, CP is commitment phobia, it's main characteristic is that a person who has it desires a close committed conection with a partner but when they feel they are geeting too close, they pull away out of fear. They feel when they get too close a need to back away because they unconsiously are afraid of someone else being dependant on them, losing their independance, losing their freedom, feeling trapped. It's not always a consious thing, CP's don't always know they have this as the fear can be deep seated. Very often a person suffering from this, will find reasons for the way they are feeling and blame the other person. It is usual for someone suffering from this to have experienced trauma in childhood, or sometimes as the result of a traumatic break up in adulthood. Perhaps they have witnessed their parents go through a bad divorce or perhaps they have been hurt so much in a previous relationship that they are unconsiouly protecting themseleves from being hurt again, by not allowing themself to give themselves over completely. Very often once the fear has been removed, (they have broken up), the person will again desire the ex or another relationship as like everyone they have the need to feel connected and be in a loving relationship. People assume that those suffering with CP are going from one relationship to another and back and forth all the time, although this true in really bad cases, some people with CP manage to marry and have children, but will begin to feel unhappy and suffocated within the marriage. Some even manage to stay married and compensate for the trapped feelings by withdrawing whilst in the relationship. For example, working long hours as a way of not having to be at home. Spending a lot of time out with friends or going to the gym instaed of spending the time with thier loved ones. The trigger point for each CP is different, some have it all the time, some experince it when they are faced with cohabitation, some engagement, some marriage (my ex was with me 18 years, we lived together 10, BUT we were engaged 8 years, way too long an engagement, low and behold when we set the date to marry this year, he dumped me!) Some people don't think CP even exists, they believe it is just a reflection of the level of interest in a relationship, however my doctor has told me that all the therapist sees at their surgery is people who been involved and dumped by a CP. I'm waiting on an appointment, it's much more common than people think and she says they think it's on the increase because this generation have come from broken homes more so than any other before.
Phateless Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 How can anyone tell the difference between simple CP and actually being not interested anymore?
CaliGuy Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I'm not young... Just turned 40. Was married for 7 years... And 2 more serious relationships since... The woman I just kicked out of my life is only 23. Meh, I'm kind of the same way. The excitement is there when they don't want you and it dissipates when they are are around often. The best way to handle yourself is to give each other space. I learned that a long time ago. That the best way to keep excitement in my relationships was to have hobbies that occupy my time so that we don't suffocate each other. PS: I'm 40 as well but never married so I think I had it worse than you
Exit Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 That the best way to keep excitement in my relationships was to have hobbies that occupy my time so that we don't suffocate each other. Yup, I learned this lesson the hard way after a year and a half of almost constant contact during my relationship. It just creates problems.
Author Beyond Broken Posted June 21, 2009 Author Posted June 21, 2009 I do truly want to get over her. Her and I will never work. But how? And why do I miss her so much? Why do I want to send her a text right now!?
Excellent Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Hi, CP is commitment phobia, it's main characteristic is that a person who has it desires a close committed conection with a partner but when they feel they are geeting too close, they pull away out of fear. They feel when they get too close a need to back away because they unconsiously are afraid of someone else being dependant on them, losing their independance, losing their freedom, feeling trapped. It's not always a consious thing, CP's don't always know they have this as the fear can be deep seated. Very often a person suffering from this, will find reasons for the way they are feeling and blame the other person. It is usual for someone suffering from this to have experienced trauma in childhood, or sometimes as the result of a traumatic break up in adulthood. Perhaps they have witnessed their parents go through a bad divorce or perhaps they have been hurt so much in a previous relationship that they are unconsiouly protecting themseleves from being hurt again, by not allowing themself to give themselves over completely. Very often once the fear has been removed, (they have broken up), the person will again desire the ex or another relationship as like everyone they have the need to feel connected and be in a loving relationship. People assume that those suffering with CP are going from one relationship to another and back and forth all the time, although this true in really bad cases, some people with CP manage to marry and have children, but will begin to feel unhappy and suffocated within the marriage. Some even manage to stay married and compensate for the trapped feelings by withdrawing whilst in the relationship. For example, working long hours as a way of not having to be at home. Spending a lot of time out with friends or going to the gym instaed of spending the time with thier loved ones. The trigger point for each CP is different, some have it all the time, some experince it when they are faced with cohabitation, some engagement, some marriage (my ex was with me 18 years, we lived together 10, BUT we were engaged 8 years, way too long an engagement, low and behold when we set the date to marry this year, he dumped me!) Some people don't think CP even exists, they believe it is just a reflection of the level of interest in a relationship, however my doctor has told me that all the therapist sees at their surgery is people who been involved and dumped by a CP. I'm waiting on an appointment, it's much more common than people think and she says they think it's on the increase because this generation have come from broken homes more so than any other before. If i wasn't a believer in CP, i sure am now! Some of the things you write here describes my ex perfectly. She pushed for making us an official couple, and when i accepted she broke up with me 3 weeks later, just when things got comfy. That was over 6 months ago, and she has already managed to go through another relationship wich just ended by her part, wich makes that the 3rd relationship (that i know of) in less than a year. Thinking about what she told me about her past really makes things fit even more, and i can't help but to feel sorry for her now. It's nice to atleast have a name for it, but it makes me sad that i couldn't do anything more about it, or atleast see it when we were together.
patcha Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I am definitely a CP. Been so since Elementary school. There was a girl who I pursued... even in drenching cold rain. Once she disclosed that she liked me, too, in that instant, I backed away. This was in 6th grade. Since then and especially after HS, when I really like someone, I don't take it too seriously. I'm afraid that once I know they like me back, I'll just freak out again. So I just keep it to myself and don't pursue anyone. So should CPs just be single for life?
LisaUk Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Patcha, no you should not just be single for life, this is treatable with the right therapist. Seek help from a qualified therapist who will be able to unlock the root cause of your fear and help you deal with it. It will be hard work, but it will be worth it when you are healthy and can enter into a loving relationship with someone and experience all the joy that can bring. It's good that you know you have it and that you don't get involved at the moment, this only leads to pain fo rthe other person, but it is treatable and it's fantastic that you asked the question, shows you are capable of dealing with it.
desertsun09 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I'm pretty sure my ex is a CP too. I actually called him that last night and he somewhat agreed. He droned on about wanting to be on the hunt, and that I was too interested in him, and I made it too easy, etc. He tried to drum up stupid things to make it look like it was all my fault that the relationship didn't work out. All the while, he pushed to become more committed, and when i wanted that too and made it easy for him, he pulled away. I say I'm better off. I don't have time to play such stupid games after a year and a half. I mean you either want to be with someone or you don't.....and people should be mature enough to figure that out before they lead other people on. I figure CP's are the worst people to be in relationships with. It's spotting them early that's the trick. But if they are manipulative, they will tell you everything you want to hear just to keep you from breaking up with them and when they've gotten bored, they are outta there!
Author Beyond Broken Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 . I mean you either want to be with someone or you don't..... It's not that simple for us CP's...
desertsun09 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 How so? I honestly believe, if you wanted to be with someone bad enough you'd walk through fire to be with them. Because the pain of losing them would outweigh the feeling of being free or feeling trapped. Maybe I just don't understand the concept though.
Author Beyond Broken Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I do want to be with her, and I would walk through fire for her... But when I feel I have her, I push her away... And that is the big question. Why???
Author Beyond Broken Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Am I confusing Lust with Love? Is lust that strong?
patcha Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Patcha, no you should not just be single for life, this is treatable with the right therapist. Seek help from a qualified therapist who will be able to unlock the root cause of your fear and help you deal with it. It will be hard work, but it will be worth it when you are healthy and can enter into a loving relationship with someone and experience all the joy that can bring. It's good that you know you have it and that you don't get involved at the moment, this only leads to pain fo rthe other person, but it is treatable and it's fantastic that you asked the question, shows you are capable of dealing with it. I actually come from a broken home myself. Although my parents divorced when I was 18, they were constantly fighting... constantly. As a kid, I was very scared and alone. I'm not sure how much that has attributed to my being CP. There was a girl a few years ago who I really liked. I knew she liked me, too. And that if I would just reach out to her, we would be great together. But I always kept my distance from her. I felt this constant holding back, but I didn't know what it was. I thought it was something about her, but it wasn't. At least, I figured it out afterwards. I'm very thankful for your response. I've been thinking a lot about my not getting involved with people, because that can sometimes be very lonely. But then I think of past incidence where I've hurt people, and I resist getting involved any further now.
Author Beyond Broken Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 I'm trying like hell to let go and stop thinking about her. I swore to myself this morning not to have any contact with her. I wrote on my mirrors NO CONTACT! And what happens... She texts me "Let's run away!" Now, I planned on ignoring her if she said something like "Hey". But this I had to reply "That sounds good. But I don't think thats the answer." She just replied with one of those confused faces thing... That was around 10 this morning. Now (3pm), I just sent her another text an hour ago "So, whatcha been thinking about?" And of course now I regret sending that. (no reply) I need to leave her alone. I know this. But How? When she consumes my mind. I'm seeing my therapist This Thursday. I need help so bad. What do I do guys? Oh and I drink every night now...(Thats all I have to look forward to these days). I know I'm pathetic. I would like to die sometimes too. You think you guys can help me?
patcha Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Wow. You shouldn't contact her at all. Change your number. DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT contact her. It's hard at first, but you have stop it or else you'll just keep missing her.
Author Beyond Broken Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Still hung up on her. I think about her all the time. I broke my 2 week streak of no contact. I must stop thinking about her. It is driving me insane. I went out on a few dates with other women, but no one interests me right now. I'm pretty sure I'm just not emotionally ready to start dating. How do I get through this daily torture? I drink every night, it helps. but the feelings are back in the morning... if not worse.
irishsimon Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 I have a couple of CP traits though I want a relationship and have stuck it out in a number of them trying to make it work, probably with CP women. For me the trigger point comes when I'm getting really close and I'm giving and don't get the same back. Maybe its my expectations that are distorted. This brings on feeling of engulfment.. worry that I will lose myself. I don't run from this but it is always a warning to me that maybe I'm not with the right person. Often with CPs its abandonment or engulfment issues that are driving the behaviour. In my most recent relationship I found the girl unavailable (tho she denies this telling me I should have told her at the start as she would have been there for me) and after much thought and getting some advice on here it became clear I was going to lose myself by giving to much to her when it didn't seem to be that reciprocal. I could have stood up to her at that point..the best option really..communication! .. but I wasn't sure if she was as into me as I was into her. It had already knocked myself esteem so part of me just froze and kinda didn't really want to know. I lost her anyway as she pulled away and I got and took all the blame. Though I'm rising above that now. So my point is..make sure you have a good look at your partner as they may be the one bringing on your CP type behaviour. That's not to say you don't need some work. I have had lots of counseling and keep going. It's a long road.
mickleb Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 This is a very sad situation. It brings nothing but pain to both parties. Beyond - I was angry at you once, I've just been on the receiving end of someone's phobia. It's absolutely horrible. I can see that you're clearly suffering, also. I just got a copy of 'He's Scared, She's Scared'. As painful as it is, it has helped me come to terms with his behaviour and, to some extent, mine. I am able to see that I have been a bit CP, myself. Nowhere near his level - I was always very open about my fears but I began the relationship just wanting a few dates, then he went overboard to convince me we were together forever, and I guess I wanted to believe him so much, I looked past things I shouldn't have. He was very convincing, though. I do feel torn, sometimes, to point out to him what he has done, is doing but I'm not over the break-up, yet and don't think I have the strength to try to help. I think it's really good you're here, Beyond. Most CP's are blind to what they're doing and are so good at excusing their themselves. Have you read the book I've mentioned? How is therapy going? I feel your ex might be CP, too. To text you that message after you've hurt her so much. She wants what she can't have, also. Funny, our song was 'Let's Get Lost'. Haunts me a bit now. I think you need to work out why you are like this. Complete therapy, read the manuals. Do a lot of internal soul-searching. I mean - don't fixate on her but on you. One day, you may be able, then, to explain it all to her. And this will probably be a healthy thing for both of you. But don't try until you understand. Explain to her you need some help and you're looking for it but that it could take years, and you've got to say goodbye now. Then say it. I do still have some issues with 'forever' (mainly that I find it hard to believe in) but I have spent 6 years in therapy and have got so much of my life on track that a failed romance doesn't have to mean a failed life for me any more. I've faced a lot of darkness but there are just a few more shadows to explore. You are in the tunnel. Stay in it, don't back out of where life has taken you. Where YOU have taken you. Stay in there, walk towards the unknown. It will terrify you but you will never be afraid of the dark, once you emerge. Good luck. Keep good people and things around you. x
Recommended Posts