Loss of attraction in marriage

[Tulip33]

I need somewhere to get this all out, and I need some good unbiased advice. I guess I'll start from the beginning and try to include any relevant info.

 

I started dating my husband 10 years ago toward the end my relationship with my first serious boyfriend (who was my first lover). My sex life with my BF was completely normal/satisfying. We had dated for 2 years and I never got bored or had any issues. With my husband, sex has never been good. That was fine for both of us in the beginning - we both wanted to work to make it better. The first issue that presented itself was that he came quickly. That didn't bother me too much because 1) there were other ways to satisfy me and 2) I could usually come quickly too (based on previous experience). We tried several methods of helping him delay his orgasm, and none worked. Meanwhile, he became very frustrated about it, and I realized that I wasn't really enjoying intercourse anymore.

 

We worked on our sex issues for a couple years and then just silently realized that it wasn't getting better. But, everything else within our relationship was fantastic. We got married after dating for 3.5 years. I was actually surprised that we did have sex on our wedding night. For the next year or two we got into a routine of getting frisky while we were sleeping. There was something about being half asleep that made it easier to get in the mood. Usually this involved only manual stimulation, and not sex. Eventually I started not liking that either - I'd fully wake up and realize I didn't want to be doing what I was doing.

 

Finally, I started listening to what I really wanted (or didn't want) in my sex life. I didn't want to be touched or kissed by him, let alone touching or having sex with him. For a couple years I thought it was me just losing my sex drive. That was until I met someone else. This other guy made me realize that I still had a HUGE sex drive. At first, I turned that sexual energy toward my husband. For a few months, all I wanted to do was have sex with my husband. We did, but even though I finally wanted it, I still couldn't orgasm with him.

 

Since then, I have wanted no physical affection with my husband. We went to counseling which allowed me to realize that I just really didn't want to be physical with him. We haven't had sex in 9 months and I don't have any desire to. I've been thinking about a separation. We both want kids, but how is that going to happen when there's no sex?

 

Is this something that can be ignored, or something that needs to be fixed? Are some people just not sexually compatible? Should we have given up even before we got married?

[LoveNeverFails]

I need somewhere to get this all out, and I need some good unbiased advice. I guess I'll start from the beginning and try to include any relevant info.

 

I started dating my husband 10 years ago toward the end my relationship with my first serious boyfriend (who was my first lover). My sex life with my BF was completely normal/satisfying. We had dated for 2 years and I never got bored or had any issues. With my husband, sex has never been good. That was fine for both of us in the beginning - we both wanted to work to make it better. The first issue that presented itself was that he came quickly. That didn't bother me too much because 1) there were other ways to satisfy me and 2) I could usually come quickly too (based on previous experience). We tried several methods of helping him delay his orgasm, and none worked. Meanwhile, he became very frustrated about it, and I realized that I wasn't really enjoying intercourse anymore.

 

Were (when you first met) and are you sexually attracted to your husband?

How does your husband differ from your boyfriend?

[Tulip33]

Were (when you first met) and are you sexually attracted to your husband?

How does your husband differ from your boyfriend?

 

Was I? Yes, I think so. I did (and do) think he's attractive and "cute". I wanted to have sex with him pretty soon after we met. Maybe the sexual attraction went away very quickly, I'm not sure.

 

Am I now? No.

 

How does he differ? Physically, both are about the same height and both in shape. My husband though is skinny, while my boyfriend was more of an average size and more muscular. Chemistry is what is greatly different - my boyfriend and I had lust/passion/desire for one another while I feel my husband and I do not now and didn't even before we got married.

[Thornton]

So would you say this has less to do with looks and more to do with chemistry? I'm guessing "cute" is not a word you would apply to your bf - maybe "manly" would describe him better?

 

From personal experience I can say that if I see a guy as cute and a bit wet behind the ears I don't want to have sex with him - I want the alpha male, the real man. For me, attraction is more about charisma and masculinity, and less about looks. In the first flush of excitement and novelty I may want to have sex with someone, but that wears off pretty quickly and if he isn't manly and charismatic I quickly lose interest. Skinny guys in particular don't push my buttons - I've dated skinny guys because they were nice people, but once the initial excitement wore off there wasn't any raw attraction there to hold my interest, and the relationships ended.

 

The problem is, if you don't think you ever really had desire for your husband even before you married, how do you expect to find it now? Do you even want to recapture that and have a sexual relationship with him, or do you feel slightly repulsed by the thought of getting physical with him?

[JayJ]

Is this something that can be ignored, or something that needs to be fixed? Are some people just not sexually compatible? Should we have given up even before we got married?

 

I don't think therapy will work when you're not sexually attracted. I spent thousands of dollars trying to fix a lack of attraction to my wife but nothing worked. Basically you either learn to accept the mistake you made and focus on other things besides sex, or you leave.

[LoveNeverFails]

Was I? Yes, I think so. I did (and do) think he's attractive and "cute". I wanted to have sex with him pretty soon after we met. Maybe the sexual attraction went away very quickly, I'm not sure.

 

Am I now? No.

 

How does he differ? Physically, both are about the same height and both in shape. My husband though is skinny, while my boyfriend was more of an average size and more muscular. Chemistry is what is greatly different - my boyfriend and I had lust/passion/desire for one another while I feel my husband and I do not now and didn't even before we got married.

 

I am reading this book, "put passion first" that empathizes the importance of passion and how passion and friendship are both needed to make a marriage work.

 

So, would it be fair to say you had sexual attraction but not passion/desire for your husband?

[Storyrider]

Please don't have kids with him. I can tell you from experience the sexual chemistry will not change much, and once kids are involved you will be even more torn.

[love2dance]

1.) Don't have any children

2.) Talk to your husband about this problem

3.) If you can't work this issue out then it is time to separate

4.) Please don't have any kids!!

[JayJ]

Please don't have kids with him. I can tell you from experience the sexual chemistry will not change much, and once kids are involved you will be even more torn.

 

This is so true and excellent advice. Once you have kids you're trapped and this can cause you to become very depressed which isn't good for you or any kids you may have.

[65tr6]

But, everything else within our relationship was fantastic.

 

How would you rate your marriage NOW on a scale of 10 ? (dont include sex aspect)

 

This other guy made me realize that I still had a HUGE sex drive.

 

I am sorry, I could not quite grasp this, are we talking about the therapist here when you say "This other guy" ?

[TaraMaiden]

Damn, these threads are just like the number 11 bus to Tooting Broadway... you wait for days, then 7 come along at once.

How many threads do we have currently on this board, discussing sexual incompatibility?

Amazing....

 

That's not a criticism of the OP, by the way. Just an observation that it seems to be a current primary topic in a lot of people's minds....

Which is better than seeing threads titled "Can't get it on with my H/W so am cheating instead...."

 

But it is a dealbreaker, because it's never going to get better.

Sexual incompatibility is one of the least 'switchable' situations to be in.

if it's not there, it's not there.

So what you have to decide is -

 

• Whether you can live with it and make the most of the great stuff instead;
  
• Come to an agreement with your H that you'll stay married but you'll need sexual input elsewhere;
  
• Split and call it a day.
  

Those really are the options.

 

And -

 

Don't even think about children.

Not even.

[Tulip33]

Wow, thank you all for your responses. Sorry I couldn't respond sooner - I can't get to this site from work.

 

So would you say this has less to do with looks and more to do with chemistry? I'm guessing "cute" is not a word you would apply to your bf - maybe "manly" would describe him better?

...

The problem is, if you don't think you ever really had desire for your husband even before you married, how do you expect to find it now? Do you even want to recapture that and have a sexual relationship with him, or do you feel slightly repulsed by the thought of getting physical with him?

Yes, that's right - it has more to do with chemistry than looks. And, yes, I do feel somewhat repulsed.

 

Edited to add that the repulsion is only when it's something sexual - anything beyond a peck on the lips. More intimate kissing - repulsed. Spooning - not repulsed, actually enjoy that.

 

I don't think therapy will work when you're not sexually attracted. I spent thousands of dollars trying to fix a lack of attraction to my wife but nothing worked. Basically you either learn to accept the mistake you made and focus on other things besides sex, or you leave.

Focusing on other things is a good idea. We have tried that, but when both of us want kids it's difficult to see this going anywhere when sex isn't part of our relationship. I firmly agree with everyone who said don't have kids until this is sorted out. But honestly, I get scared to death if I think of my life without any. I can't see myself living out a life without children.

 

I am reading this book, "put passion first" that empathizes the importance of passion and how passion and friendship are both needed to make a marriage work.

 

So, would it be fair to say you had sexual attraction but not passion/desire for your husband?

That sounds about right. I had sexual attraction in the beginning but it faded because there was no passion or desire. And I feel very guilty for not addressing it when I knew something was wrong. Everything else was so great, we ignored this issue.

 

How would you rate your marriage NOW on a scale of 10 ? (dont include sex aspect)

 

I am sorry, I could not quite grasp this, are we talking about the therapist here when you say "This other guy" ?

Our therapist asked us this same question. We both rated it 8 or 9.

 

The other guy is a friend. Someone who turned into I guess what you'd call an emotional affair. SO MUCH chemistry. <sigh>

[Thornton]

I had similar feelings about my ex - I liked him as a person, we got along well and we were great friends, we had a lot in common... but I felt sort of repulsed by the idea of doing anything sexual with him. I would happily hold his hand, peck him on the lips, cuddle him, snuggle on the sofa and watch tv, but I didn't want sex with him. Moreover, I didn't even want to try to fix the problem - I felt repulsed by the idea of even trying anything sexual with him.

 

For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me and I had no sex drive, but I was still doing stuff on my own (if you know what I mean), and I still felt sexual attraction to other men, I just didn't want him. I had the same concerns as you - I want kids, and I wondered how I could ever have them in a sexless relationship. Eventually I had to admit that the relationship was going nowhere, and we parted. It was very hard, but it was the right decision - I deserved to be with someone I found attractive, and he deserved to be with someone who found him attractive, it would have been unfair to hang onto him and make him continue to live in a sexless relationship which would never change, because I didn't even want it to change.

 

With hindsight, I think we got together because we were such great friends, but friends is all we should ever have been - I mistook friendship for love, and the sexual attraction I originally felt was due to a novelty which wore off very quickly. The sad thing is that I think he really was attracted to me, I just didn't feel the same about him. He was slim and stylish, but not exactly manly, and I just didn't feel that chemistry with him - as time passed I would find more and more faults with his appearance that I hadn't even noticed in the beginning.

 

He was passing though town a few months ago and he asked to meet for coffee as friends, so I went, and it just confirmed for me that I made the right decision. When I saw him I felt nothing more than friendship, not even a flicker of attraction, and I felt like I was genuinely happy for him that his new relationship was going well. The only regret I feel is having lost my close friend, my roommate, this person who I spent so much time with and who knew me so well... but you feel that regret when any close friend moves away, and I don't regret ending our relationship. He has a girl who fancies the pants off him, and I have a nice guy who gets me hot under the collar, and my ex and I are still friends... which is really all we should have ever been.

[SansSouci]

2 very wise posts from TaraM & Thornton.

 

I would firstly put the idea of children far far away - right to the back of your mind. If you are struggling with this issue & anxious about this, you will make decisions based on fear.

 

First things first. Your marriage is not in a good place. Do not bring children into this. Isnt it complicated enough at the moment?!

 

Your main point of struggle is a good solid marriage that you are reluctant to give up based on what you feel is sexual incompatibilty. Who could blame you. You are most probably great friends, spend time together, laugh together, talk with each other, and over time - you have developed a comfortable routine. And we humans love a routine....... after time you wonder what you would ever do without it, however uncomfortable it may have become, because right now, it's better than the unknown......

 

My advice to you is this. Put aside all your doubts, all your fears and resentments (as much as you can) and put every effort into reconnecting with your husband. Emotionally & physically (I understand the latter is the cause of concern - but you have probably abstained form contact for so long - it has now become a habit) - challenge it. Sometimes we focus on the bad things so much we make them worse than they actually are.

 

Go out for a meal, talk & laugh together - which is what you do best. Try just holding hands.....a massage maybe - it doesnt have to be sex. Just make a start. You can even talk to your husband about the changes you hope to make if it helps.

 

The 2 most important things here are 1) if you try this, then you must try WHOLEHEARTEDLY 2) give this a time frame, enough time to allow things to change & grow, so not days or weeks but months - maybe a year but do make this your own time frame. Then, if nothing has changed, your feelings are still the same - or you feel that you are manufacturing emotions & actions - you must talk about separating, as heart breaking as you may find it.)

Or, you may find, that things are better and you want to be with him - who knows? But YOU wont know unless you really try. It is better to exhaust all options & possibilities before you make a decision......then you can really know that, should it end, you did everything you could.

 

Not every relationship has all the boxes ticked. It just depends on if you can live with the boxes that are not.

 

I must also add that, if you do not want to try or feel HALf hearted about taking on this challenge, then you may already have your answer.

 

This is advice from someone in the exact same situation as you are.

[Thornton]

2

I must also add that, if you do not want to try or feel HALf hearted about taking on this challenge, then you may already have your answer.

 

This I how I felt about my ex - I didn't even want to try, I felt repulsed by the idea of any sexual contact with him. It was like he was my brother.

 

It was difficult to end the relationship because, as you say, we had a comfortable routine and a nice home together... it was difficult to give that up, but it was going nowhere long term. In the end I realised how selfish I was being by hanging onto him when I didn't really want him, keeping him in this sexless relationship which he hoped would change but which I knew never would. He was offered a job in another country, so I told him to take it - there was no point staying just for me when our relationship was going nowhere. But if it hadn't been for that job offer we might still be living in the same way... it's difficult to make that break, especially when there's nothing else you'd rather be doing, nowhere else to live and nobody else on the scene, it's difficult to break up in order to be alone. As it is, it worked out for the best and we both have new partners who we're much happier with.