Unsuccessful Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I have been looking for love my whole life (I am 41 years old). Over the years, I have found a few guys who wanted to have sex a few times or guys who would stick around in a relationship if I paid for all their bills. But, I can't find anyone who loves me I have a two friends who are truly happily single, but neither one seemed that interested in dating or relationships ever. People advise me to just accept that I am going to be always single and to work on being happily single. Can you be happily single if you don't want to be single? Is this something you can grow into?
Summerday Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I'm 43 and single. I've been in two long term relationships starting at the age of 27, second relationship ended at age of 38. Been single for 5 years now. I don't think it's bad thing, however, I don't think I want to be single forever. BUT if it turns out that way I think I'll be okay with it. So I guess it just depends on you, and how you deal with it.
Author Unsuccessful Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 During the last 5 years, have you been looking for a partner (but nothing worked out)? Or did you just find yourself content/happy being single and therefore didn't feel motiviated to date?
Summerday Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I have met some guys and dated them for a bit, but I haven't met anyone who I find interesting, and I'm not willing to settle... I don't really look for men, what I mean is I'm not on dating websites, nor do I go to clubs with the intention of meeting someone... if it happens then more power to me. Actually, what I find best is to keep myself busy, although this now interferes with social life, but at times it helps with boredom and you also meet new people. I recently went back to school.
nobody's girl Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 It's difficult sometimes, but I really believe in living with the motto of "want what you have." I'm late 30s and single. Also not willing to settle or go out to clubs to meet people, etc. Yes there are times I wish I weren't alone. But I try to remember that I have freedom a person in a relationship doesn't have. If I find a guy that fits into my lifestyle then great. If that never happens, then I'm going to be happy with what I do have. I see so many unhappy people who go on and on about how they don't have someone instead of being happy with what they do have - friends, family, job, freedom, etc.
39388 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 It is not easy for a 35 year old man who's never been in a relationship. It is hard to find someone wanting to give me a chance at meeting in person and several have turned my strengths into negatives for dating. They say something like "That's great you are getting a doctorate in a technical field. You are brilliant. I'm more of an English and history person so I don't think we have much in common." I don't want to be called brilliant. I want to find someone to share my life with and love, or at least go on a few dates with.
z1850 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Here's a practical piece of advice: go to the largest Baptist church in town. Just show up at 9:30 Sunday morning at their visitor's desk and say you're a visitor and would they please escort you to a class. You'll be warmly welcomed! The people there are nice, clean-cut Christian types. The only bad thing about single's classes: people don't stay single long...I know.
gopher Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I think once you get past the urgency of finding someone and begin to fill your life up with your interests, friends and hobbies, then yes I think you can be happy being single. That's especially true if you've put yourself out there, and given an effort to finding someone. JMO
39388 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Here's a practical piece of advice: go to the largest Baptist church in town. Just show up at 9:30 Sunday morning at their visitor's desk and say you're a visitor and would they please escort you to a class. You'll be warmly welcomed! The people there are nice, clean-cut Christian types. The only bad thing about single's classes: people don't stay single long...I know. That's good if your religious. I'm clean cut and not religious. That combination turns off a lot of people.
westernxer Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 If you don't want to be single, chances are you hate it. LOL
Joey Popps Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 If you hate the fact you're single, then you'll probably have a miserable time of it. But if you don't like being single but accept it and can have fun being single most of the time, then it won't be that bad. But sometimes being single as you get older isn't that fun if all your friends are married or in serious relationships and spend most of their time doing couples things. It's never that fun to be the third or fifth wheel all the time. Staying busy with work and hobbies can be wonderful, but a lot of guys spend all their time working and then partaking in hobbies where there just arent' that many females. So being single also means not many chances at meeting somebody just to go on one date with. And being single and rarely going on any dates probably isn't what most people would consider fun.
engravefeelthevoid Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 gosh.....ok why is everybody talking here like it's totally ok to be single for that long ??? we were physically and mentally designed to want to love and be loved !!! it's a balance...women are -ve charges and men are +ve charges...they need eachother to balance one self...when there is imbalance there are problems and things get crappy...lonely etc... what I can tell you is that it's not too late...it's never too late to open a new page in ur life...focus on urself for few months...learn to love urself...be more fun...fill urself with energy and LEARN TO ACCEPT BEING SINGLE because it shows that ur independent...when that happens then ur ready to get into a relationship and support a healthy and happy home...go to social meetings to expose urself...tell ur friends and hopefully you will find someone to spend your life with... From all my heart... Best of luck
me003 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I don't think that you an be happy if you are unwillingly single. However, I don't think you can be happy if you are in a unwanted relationship just so to be in a relationship. Some people are better at being single because they make are happy having no one tell them what to do and when to do it. You can date who you want and kiss who you want. If you don't want to be single you need to figure out why you are single. Are you dating the same type of guy? are you being too picky? are you being a doormat? I see people dating someone who is ugly, and then wonder, why does he/she get a BF/Gf? I guess its all about timing and connection and self esteem.
WTRanger Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 The only way to be really happy either single or in a relationship is to be honestly happy with who you really are. You have to be happy with yourself, and have to have full confidence in yourself. Until you embrace yourself, you'll never be truly happy either in a relationship or single. By having the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and be honestly happy to see the person staring back at you is the key to finding happiness. Happiness in yourself leads to all sorts of open doors.
Awesome84 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I hate being single at times. On the other hand, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who isn't my best friend whom I love and respect. I'm approaching 30 in 2 months and I've been single for about 4 years. The last relationship I had lasted 7 years and it was the worst relationship EVER!!! The thing that scares me the most is entering into a relationship just like the one I was in before. Here's my problem... I don't have trouble meeting guys because I'm kind of attractive, but in the last 4 years it has been either 1 of 2 things: I'm just not that into him.. or he's just not that into me. It makes me wonder... when will I find someone that I am into and who is into me??? Being single is just as hard as being in a relationship because people wonder why I am single being that I am attractive and pretty 'cool'. It's also hard because sometimes you don't have anyone to go to the movies with or just go out and do 'date' night stuff. I went on dates with guys that were lame and it makes dating not so fun. I don't go to clubs or belong to a dating site either so does that mean the chances of meeting 'the one' is less???
Awesome84 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 The only way to be really happy either single or in a relationship is to be honestly happy with who you really are. You have to be happy with yourself, and have to have full confidence in yourself. Until you embrace yourself, you'll never be truly happy either in a relationship or single. By having the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and be honestly happy to see the person staring back at you is the key to finding happiness. Happiness in yourself leads to all sorts of open doors. I agree with ALL of this. I think one of the reasons why I myself am still single is because I struggle with being happy with the way things are in my life. I'm NEVER happy... I always feel like something is missing and I constantly trying to find what that missing link is whether it is in work or play. I was unhappy in my last job until I got laid off last October, then I was excited about the opportunities to come.... then I became unhappy because finding a job in the field that I love is very difficult. I'm doing a complete career change which is stressful. Can you still be happy with yourself if things aren't where you want them to be?
WTRanger Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 One step on the road to being happy with yourself is to understand that there are certain things that you cannot change, so why fight it? I too lost my job in February of this year, I was in architecture so that's pretty much a dead career field these days. At first I was incredibly resistant to the idea of not working, or being unemployed. I saw myself as a failure, a loser with no job. Then I realized that I'm still the same person I was before I didn't have a job. That my job doesn't define me, I define my job. Losing my job turned out to be one of the best-worst things to happen to me. I took it as an opportunity to for once not struggle against what life has handed me. It wasn't and isn't an easy path for sure, in fact I'm pretty much writing off finding any sort of employment for a while. Why should I look for a job that doesn't make me happy? For what? Misery and a worthless paycheck? It took me so long to realize money wasn't worth the price of my personal happiness. That I could be just as happy living on unemployment as I was when I was making a decent living. Plus the free time has given me the opportunity to learn new trades that I would never had the time to learn if I was working, and I'm considering heading back to school. The field of architecture will recover and I will find a job, and right now instead of wasting the opportunity to better myself, I'm only going to strengthen myself for when the economy recovers. Give myself the best possible chance at success. It's not selfish to put your own needs first. You and only you have to be happy with the person you see in the mirror each day. This long and hard road we've all been on has taught me a few things. One of them being, if someone can't love me or be my friend because I'm currently unemployed, then F-them. That's not exactly a good person anyways. Stop fighting against things, stop trying to figure things out. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. So I'll use one of my favorite examples, it comes from the writings of Chuang-tse: At the Gorge of Lu, the great waterfall plunges for thousands of feet, it's spray visible for miles. In the churning waters below, no living creature can be seen. One day, K'ung Fu-tse was standing at a distance from the pool's edge, when he saw an old man being tossed about in the turbulent water. He called to his disciples, and together they ran to rescue the victim. But by the time they reached the water, the old man had climbed out onto the bank and was walking along, singing to himself. K'ung Fu-tse hurried up to him. "You would have to be a ghost to survive that," he said, "but you seem to be a man instead. What secret power do you have?" "Nothing special," the old man replied. "I began to learn while very young, and grew up practicing it. Now I am certain of success. I go down with the water and come up with the water. I follow it and forget myself. I survive because I don't struggle against the water's superior power. That's all." In a nutshell, things just happen in the right way at the right time. At least they do when you let them, when you work with circumstances instead of saying, "This isn't supposed to happen this way," and trying hard to make it happen some other way. If you are in tune with yourself and the Way Things Work, then they work the way they need to, no matter what you may think about it at the time. Later on, you can look back and say, "Oh, I understand. That had to happen so that those could happen, and those had to happen in order for this to happen..." Then you realize that even if you'd tried to make it all turn out perfectly, you couldn't have done better, and if you really tried, you'd have made a mess out of the whole thing.
Awesome84 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 WTRanger that was very inspirational. I needed that. Trust me. I am struggling with accepting things right now. Even though this thread is about being single... being happy is very closely related. Thanks for posting that WTRanger. :):)
engravefeelthevoid Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Well awesome atleast you are GF material...you can shoose the pace of the relationship and you have power...but gosh 4 years for a girl like you is too much...that's the thing with relationships it's hard for them to last...now concerning the main topic...I think one should take the time to look for "the one" and before getting into a relationship he should get to know him well...
Joey Popps Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 [quote=WTRanger;2233589 in fact I'm pretty much writing off finding any sort of employment for a while. Why should I look for a job that doesn't make me happy? For what? Misery and a worthless paycheck? It took me so long to realize money wasn't worth the price of my personal happiness. That I could be just as happy living on unemployment as I was when I was making a decent living. I like your positive spin on things and agree that sometimes you roll with the punches. But it also depends on what you want to do. I've met plenty of people with your kind of new found 'don't need money' attitude. Unemployment runs out eventually and if you have no desire to find work or care for money and have no income coming in or unlimited savings, most of the time it means you don't have any responsibilities or you're some trust fund kid who pretends money doesn't mean anything or you're somebody who always expects the other person to pay when out on dates. Wishing to switch careers and find something you love is one thing, saying money is meaningless is what most people who have always had money say. You shouldn't hate what you do in life but at the same time money means food on the table and a roof over your head and maybe a few extra things here and there. Being a person who came from nothing, worked my azz to finally be able to afford stuff and take care of my family, having no money to me means you live on the street and can't take care of your family. So yeah money does mean something.
someg Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 WTRanger, I have to say you have some great advice and inspirational. Some of the things I have applied to myself in the past. People advise me to just accept that I am going to be always single and to work on being happily single. Can you be happily single if you don't want to be single? Is this something you can grow into? To answer the original poster, I think it's the wrong approach for you to work on being happily single like people advise you. What you should do instead is look at this as a journey to find love. It won't necessarily be an easy journey because it is and will be difficult at times. Just do your best and go with the flow. Now go with the flow doesn't mean just do nothing and whatever happens, happens. Go with the flow means DO NOT WORRY about what will happen or what doesn't happen because you cannot control every outcome. You still need to keep trying because that's what you want. Do everything necessarily and/or make changes that you need to on this journey. Most importantly if you are happy with yourself, your journey will be much happier and better.
ON MY OWN Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I agree with a lot of the posts here. You should be happy with what you have, start working out, not to mention the gym is a great place to meet guys, I rarely talk to any of them, as I am really into my workout. I hold my head up high and walk with confidence. I am completely happy with who I am and I have good self esteem. I think that sends a message in itself because they always talk to me first. I have been in 3 major relationships in my whole life and recently my fiance broke up with me and I am finished picking up the rest of the pieces from that this coming weekend. I learned a lot from my relationships and am moving on with my head held high. Its all in the attitude hon. Be happy in the place in your life. Find a thing or two that you enjoy doing and look forward to and do it happily. Chances are you wont be single for the rest of your life, but as long as you are intently looking for someone you wont find the right one, he will come along when you least expect it. Trust me I know. If you go out with the attitude your going to be single , you will be. Think that you know you wont be single all your life and someone great is definitely well worth the wait!!!! Also try a new haircut or wearing makeup a new way or wearing a little if you dont, experiment and make yourself feel good. Try pampering yourself, manicure, pedicure, facial or a massage. If your happier and more relaxed people pick up on that and wont be able to get enough of you!! Whatever you do, dont make that your primary focus or you wont find it. I think love almost has a way of finding you!!
Jilly Bean Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I don't think you can be happily anything that you don't want to be. But, I think as soon as you detach yourself from a goal, then it's certain to come into your life. Meaning, live a legitimate life as a single person. Make it fulfulling. If you want kids, have them. If you want to see Italy - go. If you want to have waffles for dinner, enjoy. And if love is meant to be for you, then believe it will manifest. And if not, then you've still lived an exciting and rich life.
kizik Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I have a two friends who are truly happily single, but neither one seemed that interested in dating or relationships ever. People advise me to just accept that I am going to be always single and to work on being happily single. Can you be happily single if you don't want to be single? Is this something you can grow into? Man, this is such a great question. You have verbalized something I think about every day. I have a buddy (who's gay, actually, and maybe someone can tell me if that makes a difference) who is single and clearly not worried about it. I wonder if, because being gay limits your dating pool, you care less about dating? Anyway, I envy him his single content. Personally, I'm single but I don't think I'll ever be as happy as a single guy, as I would be in a healthy relationship. Come to think of it, while I've been "in love," I've never had a real, healthy relationship. PS. What kind of d-bags are telling you you'll always be single?
manaja Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Ive been single various times, Ive currently been living on my own 9 years, but had girlfriends in between that time, the longest time I was truly single was 9 years ago when I split with my with my ex wife and I was single for 13 months, last year I was single again for 8 months, im ok with it for a few months , then I get bored with it, then when im in a relationship, I get fed up with that...my daughter says im never happy.!
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