Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 i understand the feeling, everytime i think i have a clear idea of leaving i see my kids and i say i cant do this to them, i am selfish enough but this would just break their hearts.but on the other side i try to say is it fair that i am leading a life of lies, which i am, they dont know it but inside of me i feel it. you sound like your still thinking about it, i guess the feeling never really goes away
theBrokenMuse Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 but on the other side i try to say is it fair that i am leading a life of lies, which i am, they dont know it but inside of me i feel it. You keep repeating this sentiment but (and I hate to sound mean) it is fair as far as you go because this is the path you have chosen for yourself. You could stop leading a life of lies at any time you want. You could really, actually BE the kind of man your children would be proud of rather than just pretending to be him. You get to decide when to say enough of the self-destructive and addictive behaviors. You are blessed enough to be presented with an opportunity to fix your life before you lose everything and after reading your other thread, there is no doubt that you could easily head down that path. Leaving the marriage isn't going to fix this - you can't run from yourself no matter how hard you try and ultimately, you are the biggest obstacle to your own happiness. I really do hope you get proactive enough to seek out the help you need.
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Dude, YOUR the one is the cause of your marriage failing. Not her, so all you want is someone to tell you to stay or leave, damn man stop being a coward and make up your own damn mind for once. What do YOU want! Why dont you tell your wife the truth and leave the problem is not with her, the problem is with you! How can you make a choice and you dont even know what you want, answer that. Good lord it is infuriating, your a grown man and cant make a decision by yourself?
Queen of Hearts Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 This is a question i am pondering and wondering what others think about this issue.i have cheated and gambled and feel a disconnect from my wife but we are amazing parents and to the rest of the world perfect husband and wife,well of course i am living a lie,she isint but i am. so my question is if you dont want to be married but you have thriving beautiful children who see there mom and dad as the greatest thing in the world,have never seen even a fight do you give up your own happiness for you children and continue to just do what needs to be done? my kids are 9,6,4. I would give up my happiness for the kids. Keep doing what needs to be done to make sure they are well as adults.
Queen of Hearts Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 The problem is that not all kids are resilient or adjust easily to new situations. People always say how kids are resilient and will come around but a lot of time the ones talking are usually the ones that are trying to assuage their own guilt for being a source of trauma to their own children. There are children that internalize divorces something awful and self-destruct. There are children that have attempted suicide because they felt guilt for being the source of their parent's problems. Before he throws in the towel, how about taking his vows seriously enough to suck it up, get marriage councelling and give 110% to it so that at least he can tell his children that he tried everything he could to save their family rather than just up and run away from his problems in such a cowardly manner. I mean, I know we live in a society that glorifies our own gratification as the be all end all but it is not, not when you have decided to take on an obligation to others and have an ounce of integrity. Solid post. I agree 100% I was one of those kids that internalized my parents divorce. I was not resilient.
SummerLady Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 This is a question i am pondering and wondering what others think about this issue.i have cheated and gambled and feel a disconnect from my wife but we are amazing parents and to the rest of the world perfect husband and wife,well of course i am living a lie,she isint but i am. so my question is if you dont want to be married but you have thriving beautiful children who see there mom and dad as the greatest thing in the world,have never seen even a fight do you give up your own happiness for you children and continue to just do what needs to be done? my kids are 9,6,4. Nope Nope Nope. Wait a minute NOPE!!!!!!!!! Staying for the kids never works, you know why because kids are only kids for a short time. Fast forward 10 years you got a 19 year old, 16 year old and 14 year old. One is probably out of the house, away at college or making his/her way on their own, the other 2 are teenagers and we all know about that. You are sitting there with her, mostly, how much fun will it be then. You are 10 years older and no more happier or the wiser. Get out. Run. Your kids will thank you some day. They know when its not right. You can be a supportive, good parent and be divorced. Good Luck!!!!!! Find someone that makes you happy. A happy parent is a good parent.
SummerLady Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 You should stop and count your blessings for one. For two you may want to devote the time and attention you give to your affair to your kids. What about your wife? Does she know how unhappy you are? If she loves you she would probably want to work on strengthening your marriage. But you haven't told her. So you are being unfair and you broke your vows. Do you feel bad about that? When your thougths drift from your children to this other woman do you feel bad about that? If you don't feel bad about how you are neglecting your family...and yes you are neglecting them by not giving them your full attention...then I say leave. If you have remorse for how you act then I say stay and do right by your family. But I don't know how you feel. One thing I do know is that if you keep on doing what you are doing you are being selfish. Very. I understand your post amay BUT he is not happy. No its not right that he cheated and no the situation is not peaches and cream. It is what it is. You can't make someone be happy in a relationship because of kids. You can't force someone to act a certain way or be a certain way because its best for the family. I was cheated on I get this from both sides really, took me a while to get here. When push comes to shove your heart rules and if your heart is not in it get out. Yes getting out before stepping out on your husband/wife is best. Too late for that. Just get out.
Gunny376 Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 This is a question i am pondering and wondering what others think about this issue.i have cheated and gambled and feel a disconnect from my wife but we are amazing parents and to the rest of the world perfect husband and wife,well of course i am living a lie,she isint but i am. so my question is if you dont want to be married but you have thriving beautiful children who see there mom and dad as the greatest thing in the world,have never seen even a fight do you give up your own happiness for you children and continue to just do what needs to be done? my kids are 9,6,4. The jury's still out on the subject, but for you personally I would recommend that you read a book titled "Second Chances" based upon a study done over a twenty year period of time in CA. It found that divorce affects children into their thrities and forties. I would say more harm is done by staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children than good is done. But that's my personal opinion? That a buck and nickle plus tax and tip will get you a cup of coffee down at the local Waffle/Huddle House?
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