NOTSURE7 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 This is a question i am pondering and wondering what others think about this issue.i have cheated and gambled and feel a disconnect from my wife but we are amazing parents and to the rest of the world perfect husband and wife,well of course i am living a lie,she isint but i am. so my question is if you dont want to be married but you have thriving beautiful children who see there mom and dad as the greatest thing in the world,have never seen even a fight do you give up your own happiness for you children and continue to just do what needs to be done? my kids are 9,6,4.
girl68 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 No, you leave. Being a kid from a divorced family albeit I was older than 9, (grade 7- 12 or something?) we're better off now. Despite you not fighting in front of them- you're still not showing a healthy loveing relationship. You're just not showing it's ugly, unhappy face. As they grow older they will learn the truth. That you are not happy, and do not love your wife. Not to mention eventually affairs come out... to kids too. And I'd like to know who says you can't be wonderful parents that are seperated? If you live near you shall see them often. You should still go to soccer practices, watch games, coach, and go out for dinner with mom and dad. The WORST part of divorce was their fighting DURING. It wasn't that he didn't live with us, it wasn't that we weren't a "family anymore". It was all their who gets this, who gets that? This is mine, this will be split, I want custody. THAT is what was worse. Keep your divorce emotions in check. The kids will be incredible at adjusting provided you make it easy on them. Choosing is not an option. Mom and Dad will BOTH come to this, mom and dad do NOT need to sit a room apart. I will not have to lie about talking to daddy, when mommy asks. Get the idea? If you can parent seperated, you are no worse of a parent. You are only worse when you cannot amicablly get along with your ex spouse. I need to add that your cheating and your gambling are sources that you need to get help with. They will break up your marriage AND your relationship with your kids. One relationship can be a loss but to loose your kids... you will forever and ever regret that. Help yourself with your problems. Don't kid yourself into thinking your divorce will make you the happiest you've ever been and therefore all your problems will just disapear with out help. No such luck sir.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 i appreciate your view..by the way my wife dosent know i cheated.she lives thinking all is great its me thats the problem, but you are right i would live lose etc etc
girl68 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Your wife may know but chooses to live in bliss. Either way, doesn't matter you're living an unhealthy lifestyle and if your kids are you best interest staying unhappily in a marriage is doing so much more harm than you'll ever know. And you'll never have any idea until the kids are long grown up, as I am.
toddro Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 No, you leave. Being a kid from a divorced family albeit I was older than 9, (grade 7- 12 or something?) we're better off now. Despite you not fighting in front of them- you're still not showing a healthy loveing relationship. You're just not showing it's ugly, unhappy face. As they grow older they will learn the truth. That you are not happy, and do not love your wife. Not to mention eventually affairs come out... to kids too. And I'd like to know who says you can't be wonderful parents that are seperated? If you live near you shall see them often. You should still go to soccer practices, watch games, coach, and go out for dinner with mom and dad. The WORST part of divorce was their fighting DURING. It wasn't that he didn't live with us, it wasn't that we weren't a "family anymore". It was all their who gets this, who gets that? This is mine, this will be split, I want custody. THAT is what was worse. Keep your divorce emotions in check. The kids will be incredible at adjusting provided you make it easy on them. Choosing is not an option. Mom and Dad will BOTH come to this, mom and dad do NOT need to sit a room apart. I will not have to lie about talking to daddy, when mommy asks. Get the idea? If you can parent seperated, you are no worse of a parent. You are only worse when you cannot amicablly get along with your ex spouse. I need to add that your cheating and your gambling are sources that you need to get help with. They will break up your marriage AND your relationship with your kids. One relationship can be a loss but to loose your kids... you will forever and ever regret that. Help yourself with your problems. Don't kid yourself into thinking your divorce will make you the happiest you've ever been and therefore all your problems will just disapear with out help. No such luck sir. Ditto, good stuff
theBrokenMuse Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 No, you leave. Being a kid from a divorced family albeit I was older than 9, (grade 7- 12 or something?) we're better off now. Despite you not fighting in front of them- you're still not showing a healthy loveing relationship. You're just not showing it's ugly, unhappy face. As they grow older they will learn the truth. That you are not happy, and do not love your wife. Not to mention eventually affairs come out... to kids too. The kids will be incredible at adjusting provided you make it easy on them. Choosing is not an option. Mom and Dad will BOTH come to this, mom and dad do NOT need to sit a room apart. I will not have to lie about talking to daddy, when mommy asks. Get the idea? The problem is that not all kids are resilient or adjust easily to new situations. People always say how kids are resilient and will come around but a lot of time the ones talking are usually the ones that are trying to assuage their own guilt for being a source of trauma to their own children. There are children that internalize divorces something awful and self-destruct. There are children that have attempted suicide because they felt guilt for being the source of their parent's problems. Before he throws in the towel, how about taking his vows seriously enough to suck it up, get marriage councelling and give 110% to it so that at least he can tell his children that he tried everything he could to save their family rather than just up and run away from his problems in such a cowardly manner. I mean, I know we live in a society that glorifies our own gratification as the be all end all but it is not, not when you have decided to take on an obligation to others and have an ounce of integrity.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 i appreciate both views.i guess its hard for me because with all the things i do and the misery i feel inside myself,my kids ahve never been effected and they are truly beatiful,respectful,well rounded children, they dont know from anything but a loving environment,they have never seen an arguement,they see me take care of my wife and do things around house and i sit and think if i go,this will totally scew there views of the world and i dont know how they will react,its possible they will be fine but i have to weigh those options,yet on the flip side is it fair to myself and everyone else to live a lie.
2sure Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 on the flip side is it fair to myself and everyone else to live a lie. No, it isn't fair. It is only for you. The family, the marriage, and the life is a lie. Add to that the fact that eventually everything seems to come out, thats the way life works. And when it does they will know for sure that you are not who they thought, that their lives and family was not what they thought. Worse, they will know you did not do the right thing. They will not see you as a martyr they will see you as a coward. Decisions are hard, but when they affect others more than you - you have to do the right thing. Your wife is entitled to a REAL LIFE. She only has one. How can you possibly consider letting her live the rest of her life in the dark? Hard , hurtful, or not...that isnt for you to decide.
theBrokenMuse Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 i appreciate both views.i guess its hard for me because with all the things i do and the misery i feel inside myself is it fair to myself and everyone else to live a lie. I don't think anyone is advocating that you live a lie. You need to get help from a professional to help you sort out your issues and get to the bottom of them AND yet another professional to see if your marriage is salvageable and has any chance of becoming more healthy or if the two of you should just call it quits, however just ducking out of your marriage without at least attempting to fix things may just make you feel very guilty and more miserable than you do now.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 i guess thats the magic question, do i want the marriage to work or not, making that commitment to tell my W and then go through what could be years of healing is a tough one
theBrokenMuse Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 i guess thats the magic question, do i want the marriage to work or not, making that commitment to tell my W and then go through what could be years of healing is a tough one No matter what you choose it's going to bring difficulty to you for a long time to come. The real question is, what kind of man do you wish to be?
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 very true,its a tough situation all around
giotto Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 do you love your wife? Would you stay if you didn't have children? If you decide to stay, you don't need to tell your wife anything, but you have to change, you need to wipe the slate clean. You need to go to counselling and sort yourself out. If you love your wife, show it to her, find a change in yourself and be a real husband. Personally, I don't see why you should destroy your family. I was in similar situation as yours and decided to stay. Maybe I'm not entirely happy, but my children's happiness comes first...
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 i do love her but i am working on the am i in love with her part.i fel like i lost or never really had a connection.i dont want to tell her anything that will hurt her, i have found it in myself all of these years to make it work but of course it was because i had my own outlets. giotto, you stayed but your not entirely happy, i respect your decision as i beleive childrens happiness comes first but i aks myself and i will ask you, if you have one life to live and your not happy is it worth it? and also do you think once the kids are grown you will be in same boat and regret not having gone earlier? i ask these questions for guidance and to see how someone who made that decision to stay is now living. thanks
amaysngrace Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Quit being a selfish bastard and do right by your kids instead of living a lie. You're being pathetic.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 amay, you dont state what i should do,only that i should do right by the kids,i want to hear your view
lostsoulmate Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Only you know the answer to your question. You are very unhappy, so you write... why would you want to be that way. A happy parent is a better parent. Kids are more intune to what's happening than you think. I just made the same decision you did. I left, didn't want to live the lie. Didn't tell him I cheated, told him I wanted out and that I was unhappy. My daughter is wonderful, she still talks to her dad everyday. If fact, I think she is more happy than ever. And it is because her parents are happier than before. You and your kids and wife deserve to have happiness in your lives. Good luck.
amaysngrace Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 amay, you dont state what i should do,only that i should do right by the kids,i want to hear your view You should stop and count your blessings for one. For two you may want to devote the time and attention you give to your affair to your kids. What about your wife? Does she know how unhappy you are? If she loves you she would probably want to work on strengthening your marriage. But you haven't told her. So you are being unfair and you broke your vows. Do you feel bad about that? When your thougths drift from your children to this other woman do you feel bad about that? If you don't feel bad about how you are neglecting your family...and yes you are neglecting them by not giving them your full attention...then I say leave. If you have remorse for how you act then I say stay and do right by your family. But I don't know how you feel. One thing I do know is that if you keep on doing what you are doing you are being selfish. Very.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 when you didnt admit you cheated, what other good reason did you give?, i would think if you want out it makes it easier to say you cheated, im just curious
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 my wife has no idea that i am unhappy,she thinks she is living the perfect life,she says she is the luckiest woman alive of course she has no idea that its all a lie. i guess i dont realize the neglect because i feel like i give them so much
amaysngrace Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 when you didnt admit you cheated, what other good reason did you give?, i would think if you want out it makes it easier to say you cheated, im just curious Honesty is the best policy. If my husband was cheating on me then I'd want to know. Yes it would make me feel bad initially probably and doubt myself but in time I'd see it as his deficiency and not my own. And knowing that she has three small children it really is no wonder why she couldn't be as doting on you as a woman without kids. She'll have no regrets of you. She'll be confident in herself knowing she prioritized her children and you as her husband and did the balancing act as best she could. She will forgive herself in time. And be confident and sure of herself in time. Probably even more than had this not happened. She will rise above it. And be attractive to a man who deserves her. Yes be honest. It is the best policy.
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 This is a question i am pondering and wondering what others think about this issue.i have cheated and gambled and feel a disconnect from my wife but we are amazing parents and to the rest of the world perfect husband and wife,well of course i am living a lie,she isint but i am. so my question is if you dont want to be married but you have thriving beautiful children who see there mom and dad as the greatest thing in the world,have never seen even a fight do you give up your own happiness for you children and continue to just do what needs to be done? my kids are 9,6,4. If you plan on staying in the marriage for your children - Then you need to make your marriage work and do your best to try to reconnect with your wife, both emotionally and on an intimate level. Otherwise you'll cheat again. You have to really be ready to give it your best BECAUSE of your children. Sure, right now the kids aren't aware of how you feel about your wife, but as they get older, they might become aware. Kids are sneaky, they listen in to conversations, especially girls.. My niece is 10 and nothing gets past her! If your kids are well loved, taken care of and all of you are still happy as a family unit, this could work - But, again, counselling will help you along with this. Another option, many kids have a rough time when their folks divorce, but with the help of family counselling, you and your wife working together as coparents, those kids can adjust in a healthy way and still be happy. Will just take alot of time and effort and alot of love.
FoolMeAgain Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Quit being a selfish bastard and do right by your kids instead of living a lie. You're being pathetic. I totally agree. Cheaters can justify anything. It's amazing that you really believe that you're 'staying for the kids'. What human would risk destroying their kids belief system (in marriage and family) just so they can continue to get something on the side??? Are you really thinking of your kids when your bangin someone else? BTW my wife is clueless that I know about her affair. I just got done listening to her tell her OM that while they sat in her car like 2 teenagers. And don't think for a second your kids don't know somethings going on... Don't stay for the kids- Stay for your family or leave tomorrow AM. If you stay, be a man and tell your wife you want to enter MC together and fix the relationship- You got some work to do... Good luck
seibert253 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I totally agree. Cheaters can justify anything. It's amazing that you really believe that you're 'staying for the kids'. What human would risk destroying their kids belief system (in marriage and family) just so they can continue to get something on the side??? Are you really thinking of your kids when your bangin someone else? BTW my wife is clueless that I know about her affair. I just got done listening to her tell her OM that while they sat in her car like 2 teenagers. And don't think for a second your kids don't know somethings going on... Don't stay for the kids- Stay for your family or leave tomorrow AM. If you stay, be a man and tell your wife you want to enter MC together and fix the relationship- You got some work to do... Good luck Hey Fooled, when you going to confront the WW? Hopefully sooner rather than later? Man you don't need to put up the that sh#t. Sounds like she needs the smackdown of reality.
giotto Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 giotto, you stayed but your not entirely happy, i respect your decision as i beleive childrens happiness comes first but i aks myself and i will ask you, if you have one life to live and your not happy is it worth it? and also do you think once the kids are grown you will be in same boat and regret not having gone earlier? i ask these questions for guidance and to see how someone who made that decision to stay is now living. thanks yes, I believe my children come before everything... you know, you have to ratiionalise... what's more important? Will I regret it? I don't know at the moment... maybe... we get on quite well... issues are many, but I'm trying not to be selfish... me, me, me.... I thought that a few months ago, but then I look my children in their eyes and everything is clear...
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