Owl Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Do NOT agree to her going on this trip, do NOT allow her to take the children if she insists on going, do NOT wait to confront her and tell her that you are NOT willing to sit down and accept this. If you want to fight for your marriage...you need to set some hard, strong boundaries. Confront her, but don't tell her how you know anything. Don't admit to the keylogger, don't reference her emails, simply point blank tell her that you know that she's still communicating with OM and lying to you about it, and tell her that you know full well she intends to meet up with him when she's on this trip. Tell her that you are NOT ok with her going on this trip, for that very reason. Tell her that she's got a choice here...to work on her marriage, or to work on her affair with OM. Use the word affair. Tell her that you're not going to sit back and accept this any longer. You love her, and that you're going to fight for your marriage...but if she chooses to be with OM in any fashion, there's no path home for her after that. If you feel that this is recoverable, INSIST that she not go on this trip, and that the two of you need to start marriage counseling ASAP to work through all of this. Don't be afraid to "man up" here. PLease take a minute to read my story, and look at the similarities in how my wife was all set to go meet up with OM too...and what steps I took to end the affair and save my marriage. It worked...we're five years recovered from that ordeal now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ I would agree with seeing a lawyer about divorce if things start moving that way...but don't threaten her with it, and don't let trying to see an attorney risk your chance to recover your marriage. Work on the marriage, and explore divorce if you need to.
seibert253 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Do NOT agree to her going on this trip, do NOT allow her to take the children if she insists on going, do NOT wait to confront her and tell her that you are NOT willing to sit down and accept this. If you want to fight for your marriage...you need to set some hard, strong boundaries. Confront her, but don't tell her how you know anything. Don't admit to the keylogger, don't reference her emails, simply point blank tell her that you know that she's still communicating with OM and lying to you about it, and tell her that you know full well she intends to meet up with him when she's on this trip. Tell her that you are NOT ok with her going on this trip, for that very reason. Tell her that she's got a choice here...to work on her marriage, or to work on her affair with OM. Use the word affair. Tell her that you're not going to sit back and accept this any longer. You love her, and that you're going to fight for your marriage...but if she chooses to be with OM in any fashion, there's no path home for her after that. If you feel that this is recoverable, INSIST that she not go on this trip, and that the two of you need to start marriage counseling ASAP to work through all of this. Don't be afraid to "man up" here. PLease take a minute to read my story, and look at the similarities in how my wife was all set to go meet up with OM too...and what steps I took to end the affair and save my marriage. It worked...we're five years recovered from that ordeal now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ I would agree with seeing a lawyer about divorce if things start moving that way...but don't threaten her with it, and don't let trying to see an attorney risk your chance to recover your marriage. Work on the marriage, and explore divorce if you need to. Owl's on the money here. Read his story, very similar to this situation. He took care of business before it got out of hand. I suggest you do the same before it's too late. I can almost guarantee you this, if she goes on that trip your marriage is over. She will see the OM, no matter what she tells you. Cheaters lie and liars cheat. You need to put your foot down and tell her if she goes on that trip, your marriage is over and when she returns she needs to find someplace to live.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 We are all going away for a few days soon before her trip. Going to try and make it as positive as possible with us as a family so if she (with or without the kids) goes at least I had a last ditch attempt to try and improve things/prove us as a family (maybe I am deluded!) Good luck with this. The problem is that there are too many factors to control and you will most likely be a little uptight hoping for everything to be peachy so that she can see what she would be walking away from. Add to that that she doesn't want to see it, throw in a kid puking in the back seat and a flat tire... I've been there. Don't put too much stock in trying to make things as positive as possible maybe just surviving.
lkjh Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 You are being way to nice and nice guys finish last. A lot of men have been in your place and a lot try to win their wives back by becoming the "best" husband in the world. This never works, your wife needs to see what she is going to loose, she needs to see that this fantasy will not end in complete happiness. If you try being the supporting understanding husband she will walk all over you. Get tough and expose the hell out of this. By the way don't use the MS diagnosis excuse because that is not a valid reason to cheat.
Snowflower Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 By the way don't use the MS diagnosis excuse because that is not a valid reason to cheat. MS is a strange disease. Most medical research has been inconclusive about all the causes and effects of this disease since it is neurological. I happen to know of someone who was diagnosed with a very severe case of MS. At the onset of the disease/symptoms, this woman went kind of crazy. Her personality and judgment seemed to change-even though her diagnosis didn't come for quite some time-no one knew what was wrong and she didn't seek treatment. She cheated on her husband and abandoned her children. It was very sad--so much destruction was caused to this family. No the diagnosis is not an excuse to cheat. But it is interesting to me that the wife of the OP here was diagnosed. There might be a correlation, who knows.
Owl Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 This impacts my suggestions to you. I'd not read the post where you mention that she's been diagnosed with MS or something similar and has a "prescription drug issue". This absolutely changes my viewpoint. Do not let this woman leave with your children...PERIOD. You need to talk with a lawyer, protect your assets, and you need to file for divorce. You cannot rebuild a marriage with an active addict. It does not work...PERIOD. Until they recover from their addiction, there is an impossibly low percentage chance that you'll be able to truly do much to reconcile your marriage. You need to protect yourself, and your children. Your wife clearly has some massive hurdles to deal with in order to become a fit wife and a fit mother. I know this seems harsh...but honestly, you need to put your kid's needs ahead of everyone else's. Letting your wife take them on a trip with her, with what you've described, is NOT in their best intersts at all.
Reggie Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I thought it was the OM's wife that had the Rx drug problem. This guy's wife has the recent MS diagnosis. Anyway, here are my thoughts. The basic principle is that you cannot control your wife's actions. If she is going to do this, there is nothing you can do EXCEPT tell her the consequences in no uncertain terms. You cannot importune, cajole, threaten or anything like that and have it be effective. You do need to tell her you know about the affair and upcoming plans and to tell her that unless she stops, gets counseling, commits to repairing what she alone has damaged, you will not be around. I would not offer to go with her to police her, as she can always refrain at this time and resume later. I would not serve her, yet, until you make it crystal clear that you will divorce her unless she does the above. Then the ball is entirely in her court. I would expose her affair to anyone that has influence on her. I would tell the OM's spouse regardless of whatever issues she has. You should freeze any assets she may have access to that underwrite her affair. You have put up with this crap long enough and it is time to play hardball and impose consequences to the abuse she is unleashing on you and the kids.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I finally got upset to the point where I blew and confronted her. Lots of tears and sorry, etc. She said he would not be calling anymore - he has not. I did something I am not proud of and installed a keylogger. Don't be ashamed, she pushed you to it, and it looks like you were justified in installing a logger by what you found with it. I found she had created a new email account and chat address. She is still communicating and being much more guarded. She is off on another trip to see family (he is also located there, this time she is taking the kids too. I don't think she is going to take the kids away but I know she will leave the kids with family and is setting up times to meet with the other guy. Why don't you tell her that you want to take time off work and go with her on this trip like you are looking at it as a vacation. See what her reaction is. She is gonna try like hell to talk you out of it. I don't know if this is the progression to adultery or not and cannot afford to hire a PI to prove anything. The other guy is also married so is fabricating something similar at his end I presume. Any way you can make a trip by yourself when she goes and rent a car and follow her? I don't know if I should confront or if this will simply make things worse and then she will not bring the kids back. If she takes the kids from you, let her!! This can be used against her in court and you can make a case for kidnapping. You just might win custody if that happens if you end up divorcing. I don't know if I should go see a lawyer while she is away and serve papers or how ever it works on her return. We both want the kids and that is where things could get messy. this is where you might want to egg her into trying to take the kids away from you...it will reflect on her as a mother. We have huge debts and I don't know how we could afford to split up let alone get divorced - I have no idea how much a lawyer would cost either. what kind of debts are you talking? Do you have any equity in a home? You can take any profit on the sale of the house and pay off each of your halves of debt and attorneys fees. Can anyone (if you made it to the end of this!) give me some advice? Anyone been in a similar situation? Many thanks in advance. well you are in a tough spot, finances are tight, wife lying and screwing around behind your back(I know not physically, but it WILL happen)....and all this if you get divorced, as a father, you are behind the 8 ball with regards to custody, unless she does something she shouldn't. I think the very least you need to do is, if you aren't going to try to make a separate trip to catch her in the act, that you need to consult an attorney, tell him/her what you told us and see what options you have. If you can get an attorney for around $200/hour, then I'd suspect your divorce may cost you around $5,000. chump change if you can take out a loan and pay it off in a few years. What is your alternative? Stay with a lying, cheating huss because you are worried about not being able to afford a divorce?
Author unhappychappy Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Hey Owl, Thanks for the pointer to your post. Sounds like you have been through HELL and back and you are rebuilding. I don't know where my relationship is going right now but thank you very much for your candid account and sharing of your situation and experiences. I wish you continued happiness and strength, I hope for the same too. Cheers Do NOT agree to her going on this trip, do NOT allow her to take the children if she insists on going, do NOT wait to confront her and tell her that you are NOT willing to sit down and accept this. If you want to fight for your marriage...you need to set some hard, strong boundaries. Confront her, but don't tell her how you know anything. Don't admit to the keylogger, don't reference her emails, simply point blank tell her that you know that she's still communicating with OM and lying to you about it, and tell her that you know full well she intends to meet up with him when she's on this trip. Tell her that you are NOT ok with her going on this trip, for that very reason. Tell her that she's got a choice here...to work on her marriage, or to work on her affair with OM. Use the word affair. Tell her that you're not going to sit back and accept this any longer. You love her, and that you're going to fight for your marriage...but if she chooses to be with OM in any fashion, there's no path home for her after that. If you feel that this is recoverable, INSIST that she not go on this trip, and that the two of you need to start marriage counseling ASAP to work through all of this. Don't be afraid to "man up" here. PLease take a minute to read my story, and look at the similarities in how my wife was all set to go meet up with OM too...and what steps I took to end the affair and save my marriage. It worked...we're five years recovered from that ordeal now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ I would agree with seeing a lawyer about divorce if things start moving that way...but don't threaten her with it, and don't let trying to see an attorney risk your chance to recover your marriage. Work on the marriage, and explore divorce if you need to.
Owl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I wish the same for you, unhappychappy. My situation has done a complete turn around since then. We're doing great now. This weekend was a prime example...it was a combination of Father's day and some other family holidays. My wife spent the whole weekend together, and just had a GREAT time. Don't be afraid to "man up" and take action to protect your family and your marriage. The absolute worst thing that can happen from doing so is that your marriage still ends...but then you'll know that you did everything YOU could do to prevent that and fix the problems...
Author unhappychappy Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Well we had a great vacation away and I thought things were going very well. I did check her email and found a message to him about can't wait to see him as they fly tomorrow. I am going to print that out and confront her with it tonight. If she sees him whilst they are over there then she can expect to come home and fins her stuff in boxes ready for her to move out. I am prepared for the worst outcome but after this weekend I really thought I had seen encouraging signs. Maybe like many on here have said the affair is like an addiction and hard to break. Glad to hear you had a fantastic weekend and that things are going so well for you. I appreciate your frank advice and experiences. It is tough to find a middle ground in all this feedback, some people are obviously hurt more than others and the range of advice varies in extremes. I guess we all do what we think is best but like to draw from others experiences....human nature I guess. Thanks again I wish the same for you, unhappychappy. My situation has done a complete turn around since then. We're doing great now. This weekend was a prime example...it was a combination of Father's day and some other family holidays. My wife spent the whole weekend together, and just had a GREAT time. Don't be afraid to "man up" and take action to protect your family and your marriage. The absolute worst thing that can happen from doing so is that your marriage still ends...but then you'll know that you did everything YOU could do to prevent that and fix the problems...
Owl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You need to INSIST that she not go. I told my wife point blank...if she went to go meet with him...there was NO coming back. I'd heartily suggest you tell your wife the same thing...assuming of course that you mean it. I most certainly did. If you do anything less than that...she's going to go, she's going to meet with him, and they're going to sleep together. It's that point blank. If you're willing to let things go that far...that's up to you, my friend. I couldn't do that. I refused to accept that. Don't wait until tonite. Do it NOW. Go home, confront her that you know about her affair and continued contact, and her plans to meet with OM. Get it out in the open and dealt with NOW. RIGHT NOW. Or else you're going to see her get on that plane tomorrow and KNOW she's "with" another man. Sorry for being so blunt and harsh...but I'm telling you what you NEED to hear.
Author unhappychappy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Well I confronted her and as a result she has not gone on the trip. She says she has been stupid and does not want to break up the marriage or family, she wants to try and work it out. I made her call him last night and tell him that I knew what was going on and that all communication was going to cease and that she was going to work on the marriage. I guess now we try to work out were to go from here, trust is gone but I still want to work it out. I guess healing is going to take time, I guess I will be hanging around here and looking how others like OWL have managed to piece things back together. Today I hope is a new start and time to rebuild. Thanks OWL. You need to INSIST that she not go. I told my wife point blank...if she went to go meet with him...there was NO coming back. I'd heartily suggest you tell your wife the same thing...assuming of course that you mean it. I most certainly did. If you do anything less than that...she's going to go, she's going to meet with him, and they're going to sleep together. It's that point blank. If you're willing to let things go that far...that's up to you, my friend. I couldn't do that. I refused to accept that. Don't wait until tonite. Do it NOW. Go home, confront her that you know about her affair and continued contact, and her plans to meet with OM. Get it out in the open and dealt with NOW. RIGHT NOW. Or else you're going to see her get on that plane tomorrow and KNOW she's "with" another man. Sorry for being so blunt and harsh...but I'm telling you what you NEED to hear.
Gus Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 i'd do like stamp daddy says, have lawyers have paper work in place before she leaves the state that she can not take kids outta state,going to be really tuff to get kids back"after" they're gone. if that's her intention is to stay where om lives. I agree w/ the above. Also heck to see if there is a Father's Rights group in your area - they're a huge help and have attorney's on-site to help. The annual fee is $200 or less, you have to pay for certain documents that they write up for you but the $200 covers all the advice and help you need. You say your all going away for a few days so you can see if you can fix things (or something like that). It's not you that needs to fix things, it's her. You need to protect yourself and your time w/ your kids. Yes, IF you go the divorce route, I doubt that you would get sole custody - most states side w/ the Mother unless she is absolutely horrible. You can get joint custody and extended visitation - every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend, every Thursday from 6-8 p.m. during the school year and the month of July (or 2 - 2 week periods of your choice in the summer). Also you can get it written that she can't take the kids out of a certain area without your permission - you can get anything written in a divorce decree as long as you both agree to it and sign off on it. If you do choose divorce, it's going to cost you - you're the one that will have to make the decision if it will be worth it.
Owl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Great job on the confrontation!!! Now, the follow up. 1. INSIST on marriage counseling, starting immediately. Find an MC who has a good track record and gameplan for recovering marriages from infidelity. Your wife was engaged in an emotional affair...and it's going to take hard work on both sides to start fixing the marriage. 2. Pick up a copy of "Survivng an Affair"...start reading that and implementing the steps outlined in there, including NC, the "open book" policy that she needs to help rebuild your trust in her, etc... 3. Expect that the next few weeks are going to be ROUGH. She's going to go through "withdrawl" at the end of the affair...picture a drug addict going cold turkey, and that's EXACTLY what you're going to see in her. Depression, anger, emotional distancing from everyone, etc... If she doesn't display these symptoms (starting within the next few days), it's almost a sure bet that she's still in contact with OM in some fashion. 3. Start scheduling times to "work through" all your questions/issues with the affair. Maybe an hour a night...and ONLY talk about that stuff during those times. 4. Take the "emotional needs" questionairre in the book mentioned above...start working to meet each other's emotional needs. 5. Start ENSURING that you both begin spending 15 hours/week (minimum) of "quality time" with each other. Dates/movies/talking about things OTHER than the affair/etc... it needs to be your reconnection time. These are beginning steps towards rebuilding your marriage.
Author unhappychappy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 Thanks Gus, I will see how things go now that everything is out in the open. If things are not working out then I will check in to the Fathers Rights groups. Thanks for the pointers there.
Author unhappychappy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 When I was confronting her last night I told her I was going to contact his wife. Today reflecting on everything I am uncertain if this will help now or in the long run. Does it seal the end of the relationship or am I simply pushing too hard to make a point. Part of me wants him to hurt too. Would appreciate some points of view on this. Thanks
stampdaddy Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 When I was confronting her last night I told her I was going to contact his wife. Today reflecting on everything I am uncertain if this will help now or in the long run. Does it seal the end of the relationship or am I simply pushing too hard to make a point. Part of me wants him to hurt too. Would appreciate some points of view on this. Thanks you are going to get very strong opinions on BOTH sides of this issue. Go with YOUR gut. IF he keeps pursuing your wife, now that is a different story...
Owl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I'll give you MY strong opinion on this... TELL HIS WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The reasons are twofold, and simple. 1. She deserves to know the truth so that she can address issues in HER marriage. If the situation were reversed...you'd want to know so that you could take action to safeguard your marriage or divorce, right? 2. Telling her will help establish NC on BOTH sides of this fence. If she opts to remain married, she's probably going to insist on the same measures that you need...she'll "snoop" on him to verify his trustworthiness just as you're going to have to do on your side. She's your best advocate outside of your marriage right now. Why waste that? Telling is "win-win".
Author unhappychappy Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 If you recall though she has a Rx drug issue. While I know the hardliners on here would say hey not your issue there would be some responsibility should something happen to her as a result of my communication. That is my fear. Maybe I monitor, if there is ANY contact between them then I step in. I'll give you MY strong opinion on this... TELL HIS WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The reasons are twofold, and simple. 1. She deserves to know the truth so that she can address issues in HER marriage. If the situation were reversed...you'd want to know so that you could take action to safeguard your marriage or divorce, right? 2. Telling her will help establish NC on BOTH sides of this fence. If she opts to remain married, she's probably going to insist on the same measures that you need...she'll "snoop" on him to verify his trustworthiness just as you're going to have to do on your side. She's your best advocate outside of your marriage right now. Why waste that? Telling is "win-win".
Reggie Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Why does her drug issue cause you to fear she will react any differently than any other BS?
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