StayinFree Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I'm sure this is an old topic on this forum ... but I need some advice. What’s the best way to end things … to minimize any hurt? I’ve been dating a very nice woman for over a year now and I’m just not in love with her. I like her, a lot, and really enjoy being with her. But I want to stay free - at least until I meet someone who I could really fall in love with. I would rather be single - than married to someone who I’m not really crazy about. Now she has become dependant on me and I can’t handle hurting her. She freaks out whenever the topic of staying together comes up – if it doesn’t go in the direction she wants it to go. One time she even got sick when I told her that I like her a lot but that’s as far as it goes. They only thing I agreed to, as far as any commitment, is that I wouldn’t date anyone else without telling her and that I would always be honest. I’ve kept my word. But it’s out of control now and it’s not honest if I let this go on … her expectations seem to get bigger and bigger and the only thing I can see to stop this is to just end it … firmly. But I’m certain that it will really hurt her and I can’t stand the idea of her being hurt. So - What’s the best way to end things … to minimize any hurt?
butcher's hook Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Do not lead her on one more day. Just suck it up and do it, tell her you don't see this relationship developing further because you are not emotionally invested, ie. your feelings are not growing and therefore you need to end it. Tell her you don't want to lead her on and just cut her off. She will try to convince you as to why it can work, and will more than likely try to talk you out of breaking up with her which is what people do when you tell them it has to end. Just make sure you don't get sucked back in out of pity it is the WORST thing you can do to her. She deserves better. You deserve what you want.
OverThinker Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 The only way to minimize the hurt at this point is to end it now. The longer you wait the more it will hurt. The only thing you can do is tell her how you feel and bring it to an end. Good Luck
butcher's hook Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 PS she wil be hurt and it will be extremely painful and unpleasant for you to see but accept that and be firm. Staying with her is not doing her any favours whatsoever.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It's far more cruel to lead her on any further, than to cut the chord cleanly. "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. The last thing I want to do, is to hurt you but this isn't working out, even though I still care about you, etc." If she starts threatening suicide, call the suicide hotline and report it. Better safe than sorry.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I agree with everything that has been said. Out of curiousity, you dated her for a year and never told her you loved her? Well that along with everything, she will not be shocked but obviously hurt. be firm.
amymarieca Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 The best way is to just be honest about how you feel. Giving some BS excuse will only hurt more. You know that she won't take it well, but she will in time get over it. A guy I was really crazy about dumped me about a year ago because he wasn't that crazy about me. It hurt like hell, but obviously I survived
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 So - What’s the best way to end things … to minimize any hurt? send her an email or card in the mail explaining things and how you feel and then never contact or see her again. cold turkey, thats the least painful way for everyone involved. its just like quitting smoking.
Author StayinFree Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 send her an email or card in the mail explaining things and how you feel and then never contact or see her again. cold turkey, thats the least painful way for everyone involved. its just like quitting smoking. Sheesh! Why not twitter or text She's a good person, very sweet and I'd like to at least explain things face to face. There are some good answers here. Alpha's is not so good - no offense dude! Anyway, there is a lot of sense in these answers. I knew some females would give me some balance on this. I think women are better at ending things than men (generally speaking).
Author StayinFree Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 The best way is to just be honest about how you feel. Giving some BS excuse will only hurt more. You know that she won't take it well, but she will in time get over it. A guy I was really crazy about dumped me about a year ago because he wasn't that crazy about me. It hurt like hell, but obviously I survived That makes sense ... any BS would only be cheesy. I know I'd rather be told the truth - even if it hurts.
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I think women are better at ending things than men (generally speaking). think again SiF
Author StayinFree Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Yeah ... I guess that was a dumb thing to say. Girls can be a little ruthless and cowardly too. Anyway, I think face to face, kind and firm, no BS, then keep the door shut afterward. But it won't be easy.
loveslife Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I mentioned in one of the threads recently about a guy I was with who liked me a lot but wasn't in love with me. He ended it by saying that he could never feel about me a way that would make me happy. It angered me a bit and I was hurt. But before long I realized that he was doing the decent thing. Him and I are now best friends. He met a woman he adores, they're married and have two kids. He is the standard I set up men against because he is a good, decent man who did the right thing. No matter what you do, she will be hurt. But right now you're pulling the Bandaid off really slowly. You're hurting her in a way that's harmful rather than a way that will allow her to move on. You seem like a really decent guy and I'm glad you're going to do the right thing. Do it right away.
Author StayinFree Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I mentioned in one of the threads recently about a guy I was with who liked me a lot but wasn't in love with me. He ended it by saying that he could never feel about me a way that would make me happy. That is exactly the truth and I've been trying to find a way to say just that. She really wants a man to love her deeply and I know she would always sense that something was missing. She's not dumb. If I were married to a woman who didn't really love me I'd know it too ... and it would drive me crazy. So I get it. Thanks.
loveslife Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 That is exactly the truth and I've been trying to find a way to say just that. She really wants a man to love her deeply and I know she would always sense that something was missing. She's not dumb. If I were married to a woman who didn't really love me I'd know it too ... and it would drive me crazy. So I get it. Thanks. Well, it was a really good way of putting it and I do think it's also the truth in your situation and it's what you feel. Everyone wants to be adored by their partner but sometimes we get invested emotionally and hold on even though we're not getting what we truly want. It's your job to be the voice of reason and, quite frankly, to look out for what is best for the both of you. It'll be okay.
mortensorchid Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 There's no way to avoid hurting this woman, it sounds like by your description. The best thing to do is just suck it up and end it so you can both move on. I understand how you feel with this situation. I was with someone years ago who I was absolutely in love with, then the next serious bf I had I did not feel that way about. I figured that it was foolish if not downright naive of you to assume that you will be with a person you love more than anything, but someone you like is just fine. I see that it's not, I learned the hard way. Don't let this happen to you.
cyril's fan Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 After having dated for more than a year, an email or a card doesn't cut it. Do the woman a favor and dish her some respect by breaking it off in person. I understand that in your case, she might throw a fit but like what mortensorchid said, you need to suck it up and do it. You'll also feel better having done it the man way.
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