fabulous_chk Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 or should I meet him in person to say this. Been in NC for 4 days. He's in Europe, will be back in a couple of weeks. (Please be aware that he just lost a parent. And he has no close friends except me.) This is a little cowardly of me, I wanted to tell you when you get back, but I'm scared you'll be there for months and I will have to wait. I have completely forgiven you for all the hurt you caused me, and I hope you will forgive me for all the ones I caused you. So please do not worry about that. I happen to have known your good side. I remember every little thing. I will always view what we had positively. I learned a lot from it, and from you. Thank you. =) But I have to start life on a clean slate. I believe us communicating to each other is holding us back. It's like an invisible chain. You deserve a happy life, without drama, without tears. And I deserve the same thing. I just really want to be happy. No looking back, just forward. So I am asking for no communication between us. Not now, not in the future. It is best this way. I'm wishing you all the happiness in the world. You were my best friend, and I thank you for everything. Advice pls!
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Have you actually broken up with him already, and this is a goodbye email? Or is this you breaking up with him? In general I tend to think that breaking up via email is very cowardly, and the least you owe the other person is a face-to-face explanation. Imo sending this email may make you feel better, but it will probably make him feel a whole lot worse, especially because he can't get home to talk to you about it if he wants to. So all in all it seems like kind of a selfish act. If this guy has just lost a parent and has no other close friends, why can't you be there for him as a friend in this difficult time? Sorry but this all sounds really selfish.
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Have you actually broken up with him already, and this is a goodbye email? Or is this you breaking up with him? In general I tend to think that breaking up via email is very cowardly, and the least you owe the other person is a face-to-face explanation. Imo sending this email may make you feel better, but it will probably make him feel a whole lot worse, especially because he can't get home to talk to you about it if he wants to. So all in all it seems like kind of a selfish act. If this guy has just lost a parent and has no other close friends, why can't you be there for him as a friend in this difficult time? Sorry but this all sounds really selfish. I think I need to be the selfish one this time, because having continual contact with him is making me lose my sanity. This is not a break-up email. He cheated on me and dumped me. I have asked for NC. He did not pay heed. He kept contacting me, wanting to be my friend, talking about the new girl he cheated on me with. It came to a point that whenever he calls I throw up. I become physically ill with each phone call, so I blocked him. But he persisted contacting me, and one day I weakened and responded. Spent two days comforting him over his loss. He has told me he loves me but he loves her also, and that he cannot stop ****ing her. I had enough of this details that destroy me at night and make me cry for hours. I was fasting and asked God for clarity, and last night I received it. While crying I had a stunning realization that I have to completely go NC. To completely disassociate from him. Remove him from my life. I cannot carry his burden for him. I used to, I used to comfort him because I was the girlfriend, but this time he can go to the other girl for comfort. She should start taking that responsibility. I have my own demons to fight.
Ingenue Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Considering that he cheated on you and dumped you for another woman, I don't think you have any obligation to this guy. You have asked him for NC and he has disrespected your requests and your need to heal for his own selfishness. Talking to you about his current girlfriend is just plain tacky and rude. This would be a different situation if this were 5 years down the road and you were friends. But the both of you are coming out of a relationship and you especially, as the dumpee, needs time to heal a broken heart. The fact that he refuses to abide by a boundary that you are attempting to maintain speaks volumes about the type of person he is. Other LS posters may disagree with me here, but I think you need to take care of you first and foremost. His pain, his anger, his sadness over the loss of his parent is not your burden. You are not his emotional counsellor or his psychologist. You are not his crutch. He has his new girlfriend for that and it is her, that he should turn to. There are consequences with every break up. He lost all of his privileges to access your compassion when he cheated on you and dumped you for another woman. I think considering the circumstances, the email is appropriate.
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 This is a little cowardly of me, I wanted to tell you when you get back, but I'm scared you'll be there for months and I will have to wait. I have completely forgiven you for all the hurt you caused me, and I hope you will forgive me for all the ones I caused you. So please do not worry about that. I happen to have known your good side. I remember every little thing. I will always view what we had positively. I learned a lot from it, and from you. Thank you. =) But I have to start life on a clean slate. I believe us communicating to each other is holding us back. It's like an invisible chain. You deserve a happy life, without drama, without tears. And I deserve the same thing. I just really want to be happy. No looking back, just forward. So I am asking for no communication between us. Not now, not in the future. It is best this way. I'm wishing you all the happiness in the world. You were my best friend, and I thank you for everything. if i read that i'd think its a bunch of sugar-coated baloney. be more direct, lay it on the line, tell him the real reason(s). don't pussy-foot around.
81West Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I think that's a very classy and generous letter, given the backstory. Good on you. The only thing I'd change is the word "asking". You're not asking for this, you're informing him that this is the way it will be. Perhaps something like "writing to tell you that this will be the last communication between us, now and in the future". I'd also think about the word "scared". Perhaps "concerned" is a better tone? Good luck, OP.
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I think that's a very classy and generous letter, i don't agree
Ronni_W Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 if i read that i'd think its a bunch of sugar-coated baloney. be more direct, lay it on the line, tell him the real reason(s). don't pussy-foot around. I agree with alpha. Be assertive. You have the right and responsibility to stand up for yourself. Don't "ask for" no contact. TELL HIM that you will no longer accept his calls, or respond to any messages of any kind. And then do NOT accept his calls or respond to any messages of any kind. Maintain your own boundaries. It's not you being "selfish", it is you taking the self-loving action that YOU need to take so that you can grieve, heal and move forward. That is WISE and self-nurturing, not "selfish". If he's having a tough time dealing with his parent's death, he needs a grief counselor. It's not YOUR job to "be there" for him anymore, and especially not when you yourself are in need of support and compassion. Sending hugs and healing.
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Considering that he cheated on you and dumped you for another woman, I don't think you have any obligation to this guy. You have asked him for NC and he has disrespected your requests and your need to heal for his own selfishness. Talking to you about his current girlfriend is just plain tacky and rude. This would be a different situation if this were 5 years down the road and you were friends. But the both of you are coming out of a relationship and you especially, as the dumpee, needs time to heal a broken heart. The fact that he refuses to abide by a boundary that you are attempting to maintain speaks volumes about the type of person he is. Other LS posters may disagree with me here, but I think you need to take care of you first and foremost. His pain, his anger, his sadness over the loss of his parent is not your burden. You are not his emotional counsellor or his psychologist. You are not his crutch. He has his new girlfriend for that and it is her, that he should turn to. There are consequences with every break up. He lost all of his privileges to access your compassion when he cheated on you and dumped you for another woman. I think considering the circumstances, the email is appropriate. I am sending it tonight. I think him and the girl didn't work out, but stormy relationship like theirs break up and get back together....and I'm afraid he is using me while they're on a break-up. The end of our relationship was devastating, but he really was a great friend to me prior. I'm mourning the loss of a lover, and my best friend. He knows how I much I loved him, that's why he never really took it seriously when I told him I cannot communicate with him anymore. But I will be strong this time. Thank you for your input. I know for a stranger it is an easy case to solve. NC! But my brain is a mess right now lol!
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 if i read that i'd think its a bunch of sugar-coated baloney. be more direct, lay it on the line, tell him the real reason(s). don't pussy-foot around. I did. Several times. Angrily, sadly, tearfully....there are so many times and so many versions of this letter. This time I think he will listen. This letter might have more effect, because it is on a good note and I approached it calmly. What would you have put in this letter alphamale?
hopesndreams Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Stick to your guns, you are doing the right thing. *big hugs*
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I think that's a very classy and generous letter, given the backstory. Good on you. The only thing I'd change is the word "asking". You're not asking for this, you're informing him that this is the way it will be. Perhaps something like "writing to tell you that this will be the last communication between us, now and in the future". I'd also think about the word "scared". Perhaps "concerned" is a better tone? Good luck, OP. Thank you. I was thinking that if I did this in person, it might have more effect? All my other NCs were initiated through phone. I was also going to tell him that everytime he picks up the phone to call me, he is just picking at the scabs and make me bleed more. But I'm tired of drama, really. I really have run out of ideas. I'm confused as hell, like him. Thank you, I will revise the email and post it tomorrow. I'm not gonna send it tonight, like I originally planned.
hopesndreams Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I was also going to tell him that everytime he picks up the phone to call me, he is just picking at the scabs and make me bleed more. You have said all this before to him right? Make the email a bit more blunt, and make it so you are in control of the situation. Make it so there is no second guessing on his part. Don't rehash. Make it crystal clear.
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I agree with alpha. Be assertive. You have the right and responsibility to stand up for yourself. Don't "ask for" no contact. TELL HIM that you will no longer accept his calls, or respond to any messages of any kind. And then do NOT accept his calls or respond to any messages of any kind. Maintain your own boundaries. It's not you being "selfish", it is you taking the self-loving action that YOU need to take so that you can grieve, heal and move forward. That is WISE and self-nurturing, not "selfish". If he's having a tough time dealing with his parent's death, he needs a grief counselor. It's not YOUR job to "be there" for him anymore, and especially not when you yourself are in need of support and compassion. Sending hugs and healing. Thank you! I was the one who spent more tears than him when his father died. He couldn't cry. I loved his dad. He loved me as well. This is why it was hard for me to say no, because his dad and I bonded last summer. He's been keeping busy. This is why I've decided he can handle this without me. But I cannot be too harsh on my email. I did that before, and it didn't work. He still kept calling. For stupid things too, like "where's the dog's leash?" "i hate this weather" etc etc. Plus, he lost his dad. I'd find it really hard to be sooo tough on him. I saw his grief. It would be like kicking a dog. I'm trying to find a way to leave him in a gentle manner...leave on a good note.
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I was also going to tell him that everytime he picks up the phone to call me, he is just picking at the scabs and make me bleed more. You have said all this before to him right? Make the email a bit more blunt, and make it so you are in control of the situation. Make it so there is no second guessing on his part. Don't rehash. Make it crystal clear. thank you hopesndreams! yes i have told him that every time he calls I get sad. I will revise my email, make it more blunt (but still compassionate) and clear.
Ingenue Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I am sending it tonight. I think him and the girl didn't work out, but stormy relationship like theirs break up and get back together....and I'm afraid he is using me while they're on a break-up. The end of our relationship was devastating, but he really was a great friend to me prior. I'm mourning the loss of a lover, and my best friend. He knows how I much I loved him, that's why he never really took it seriously when I told him I cannot communicate with him anymore. But I will be strong this time. Thank you for your input. I know for a stranger it is an easy case to solve. NC! But my brain is a mess right now lol! Fabulous_chk, I'm sorry if my message came off as cold. I know how difficult and emotionally draining and traumatic your mind and heart are in. I can see it through your words and through your posts. My ex of 5 years emotionally (and most likely physically) cheated on me and then dumped me by email. That pain is excruciating to get over. There would be days when it would be difficult to just pick myself up because I felt so horrible. I was devastated and all of my friends had told me that they had never seen me like that before. I'm normally the stoic girl but instead I was curled up in a fetal position crying. The only saving grace for me was NC and I informed him by email that I was instituting a NC rule and that I didn't want to talk to him because I realized that I needed to be responsible for my own healing. I didn't owe him a thing. I was lucky in that he abided by my request and that gave me 6 almost 7 months where I could heal. You've already shown grace and compassion towards him where others in similar situations would not have been able to muster it. But this has drained you. You've asked him for NC and he hasn't respected that. You deserve a future partner who respects you in every way and appreciates you for the strong woman you are. And while your heart bleeds now, NC will really help you to move on and forward with your life. I know how you're feeling. Just heal yourself, take care and remember that LS is always here if you should stumble
andy2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 GoodBye message should be very short!! and very straightforward. And plz remove emotions from there
boogieboy Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Dont send the email, it will mean nothing to him. Just ignore his texts, and stop picking up the phone when he calls. He will eventually stop. He is getting off on the attention youre giving him. Your words in the email mean nothing. He will keep contacting you until you ignore his calls for a while, email or not. He doesnt tell you how he feels about you, since hes bragging about the new girl, theres no reason for you to tell him how you feel, especially since youre not getting back together with him. DOnt send the email.
Cherished Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I agree with boogieboy. This guy is not worth the effort to write an email. You shouldn't "announce" NC...just do it, meaning you simply don't respond to any contact made by the other party, and if that means blocking them from your email, so be it. Doesn't matter if his dad died or not, he's still not worthy of you in any way, shape, or form including returning phone call, texts, or email messages. By emailing him, you are showing how much emotionally you are still into him and he will keep playing on that to feed his ego. This guy had no problem cheating on you then dumping you - do not give him the time of day in any way.
boogieboy Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 SILENCE speaks volumes more than a teary email does.
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 GoodBye message should be very short!! and very straightforward. And plz remove emotions from there I'm showing compassion because he just lost his father. I don't know about you but I would not want to be in THAT position. I've sent goodbye emails before. Short, long, angry, sad....they didn't work he still called and called and stalked me at school.
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Dont send the email, it will mean nothing to him. Just ignore his texts, and stop picking up the phone when he calls. He will eventually stop. He is getting off on the attention youre giving him. Your words in the email mean nothing. He will keep contacting you until you ignore his calls for a while, email or not. He doesnt tell you how he feels about you, since hes bragging about the new girl, theres no reason for you to tell him how you feel, especially since youre not getting back together with him. DOnt send the email. Well, last time we were together, he said these things: 1. i'm an as$h0l3 2. i did you dirty 3. i'm sorry for everything 4. you're an amazing person 5. you're my angel 6. i love you so much 7. i missed you so much for the last 2 months 8. i don't deserve you 9. i'm not worth a second of your time 10. don't ever change 11. you're the only person i can be with this moment (when his dad died) 12. please unblock my number 13. please call me, let me know how you are 14. it was like i was a possessed person, fab 15. come stay with me 3 days a week. you don't have to answer right now. 16. when you were talking to me on the phone all i did was cry 17. please be with me when i come back (he's in Greece for the burial) 18. can you talk to me online? 19. it sucks that i'm only with you for two days then i have to go away. 20. i hug your blanket every night Because of everything he said, I accepted his plea of friendship. At that time, what can I do? His father died. How can you say no to a person whose father just died? When me and my rebound romance crashed, I missed my ex badly and told him about it. He then confided about loving me and loving her, and wanting to f**k her uncontrollably. He said he could not recognize himself anymore. He advised me to stay single for a while. He said he is going to do the same thing, stay single until he feels like a complete person, and only then he could start a relationship. We were friends who told each other everything...but that friendship is gone, and all that's left is like a glass with a hole on the bottom...we keep trying to fill the void by doing friendly actions but it just leaks out and leaves us more empty than before. This breaks my heart twice over. I'm hurting and he's hurting and I'm hurting because he's hurting. I'm soooo tired of this mess. I just don't wanna hurt anymore. I don't know if he's playing me or being genuine but these things hurt my brain lol. Thanks for your input.
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I agree with boogieboy. This guy is not worth the effort to write an email. You shouldn't "announce" NC...just do it, meaning you simply don't respond to any contact made by the other party, and if that means blocking them from your email, so be it. Doesn't matter if his dad died or not, he's still not worthy of you in any way, shape, or form including returning phone call, texts, or email messages. By emailing him, you are showing how much emotionally you are still into him and he will keep playing on that to feed his ego. This guy had no problem cheating on you then dumping you - do not give him the time of day in any way. Sigh...I wish it was that easy. I'm/was very close to the family, I moved in with them at one time (my mom and I fought and she threw me out of the house). His parents and brothers cared for me like I was one of them. I know, I have a lot of emotional attachment with the family. They want to see me, his brother asked me to see him when he gets back from Greece, their mom calls me all the time. I have to let everyone go. I have not spoken to my ex in 4 days and I will not be able to because I tore up the paper where I wrote down his contact numbers. I guess I'll stay NC until I know when and how to properly say goodbye to everything.
miss_28 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Well, last time we were together, he said these things: 1. i'm an as$h0l3 2. i did you dirty 3. i'm sorry for everything 4. you're an amazing person 5. you're my angel 6. i love you so much 7. i missed you so much for the last 2 months 8. i don't deserve you 9. i'm not worth a second of your time 10. don't ever change 11. you're the only person i can be with this moment (when his dad died) 12. please unblock my number 13. please call me, let me know how you are 14. it was like i was a possessed person, fab 15. come stay with me 3 days a week. you don't have to answer right now. 16. when you were talking to me on the phone all i did was cry 17. please be with me when i come back (he's in Greece for the burial) 18. can you talk to me online? 19. it sucks that i'm only with you for two days then i have to go away. 20. i hug your blanket every night Because of everything he said, I accepted his plea of friendship. At that time, what can I do? His father died. How can you say no to a person whose father just died? Honey, everything you listed up there screams to me that this guy is a horrible person. He really did you dirty, he cheated on you, tells you all the dirty details, and then tries to suck all the good out of you? He's taking advantage of your sweetness and trying to get away with treating you the way he does! OMG! I even suspect that he'll try to take advantage of this tragic situation with his father's passing (I've seen people do this before) - don't fall for it! Yes, it's sad, yes, it's horrible, but this guy is a piece of work! this is what you may want to keep in mind when you re-read the list you made above (as possible responses): 1. i'm an as$h0l3 yes. yes you are. 2. i did you dirty yes. you are an as$hole. 3. i'm sorry for everything you should be. 4. you're an amazing person i know i am. 5. you're my angel i'm a person, not an angel, and you hurt me & took advantage of my friendship. 6. i love you so much really? you have a funny way of showing it. 7. i missed you so much for the last 2 months roll your eyes. was this while you were ****ing the other chick? 8. i don't deserve you no you don't. And I don't deserve this. 9. i'm not worth a second of your time so leave me alone. 10. don't ever change why? so you can take advantage of me whenever you choose? 11. you're the only person i can be with this moment (when his dad died) Truly sorry for your loss, you should seek a counselor or speak to your girlfriend about it. 12. please unblock my number please stop calling. 13. please call me, let me know how you are nope. 14. it was like i was a possessed person, fab too bad. Get an exorcism. 15. come stay with me 3 days a week. you don't have to answer right now. no. 16. when you were talking to me on the phone all i did was cry hmm... crying sucks, doesn't it? 17. please be with me when i come back (he's in Greece for the burial) no. 18. can you talk to me online? no. 19. it sucks that i'm only with you for two days then i have to go away. can you say player? 20. i hug your blanket every night right.what else is going on with that blanket? This guy is poison, bad news, & he's getting off on driving you crazy! How many other people is he jerking around? Don't send him anything, ignore ignore ignore - you do not want this jerk anywhere near your heart! You need to be strong and amputate this person from your life. hugs and strength girl.
Author fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I think I love you miss_28! You said all the right things. Thank you for that clarity.
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