Marriage and Infedelity

[MrsJones]

I am new to this forum but I need a place where I can just let everything out and get some sound advice.

 

My husband and I have been married for what is going on two years. Seems so young and as we should still be in the honeymoon stages I feel like we have been through so much it is hard to feel the same way. We have dated for five years before we got married. He treats me well, he is very sweet and he does what he can to make me happy. However throughout the relationship and marriage I have noticed some things. I became in debt due to this marriage. The husband was unemployed for a year and my credit card was the only way to pay the bills.

 

There is also the sex life. My husband has a fetish and the only way we are intimate is if his fetish is involved. If it isn’t it is not pleasurable for either of us. Then here is the kicker, two months into our marriage I became pregnant. When I told him about it the first words out of his mouth were “Let’s see if your insurance will cover an abortion”. I was shocked! Stunned and most of all hurt. I needed him to be more supportive. I needed him to be there and step up to the plate. I was working two jobs while he was unemployed. I hate to say that I did have the abortion. It killed me, I hated every minute of it and I hate myself still for doing it. Right now I feel like I can’t look at my husband the same way anymore.

 

I feel like I am in a rut and I can’t get out. Everything we do is because I plan it. We have been living in a small bedroom apartment and I feel like my husband is just latching on to me without having any set goals for himself. It is killing me inside. I feel so dead. I feel like I cant attain my goals because of this marriage.

 

There is also this. Recently I had an affair with an old flame of mine. He was my first love. We dated for three years before we broke it off. We realized too late that we still have the same feelings for each other. The problem is he is getting married to someone this year to a woman he has luke warm feelings about. All of our mutual friends feel that their marriage will not work out. They are having the same problems they had in the beginning of the relationship and she is very controlling. I know I cannot change his decision on marrying her and I don’t want to. Deep down inside I still love him and I want what’s best for him. I just wish that I felt the way for my husband as I do for him.

 

I just don’t know what to do. My husband is now in sexual counseling but I find myself still waiting to be loved and cared for.

[2sure]

but I find myself still waiting to be loved and cared for

 

Being loved and cared for is a natural and good thing to want.

Your H is not good for you. Maybe he is a good partner for someone - but not for you. You are unhappy with your marriage. But you sound like you have something to offer. And not for this other guy, he is committed to someone else...or at least not available to you.

 

Reach higher. You can you know. Its an option.

[MrsJones]

I have no intent of leaving the H for the other guy. I know he is with someone else and I don't think what I need right now is to leave someone for someone else. I am just not sure how to go about all of this or deal with everything that I am feeling

[seibert253]

Your husband is in counseling, but how about you? You both have issues, he seems he wants to work on his, what about you? Marriage is a team effort, healing a sick marriage takes two to fix it.

[MrsJones]

I have been on everything from anti depressants and therapy since the abortion. I know it is something that takes two people to work on. I have been pushing for things to change for some time. It was not till my husband noticed that I was showing interest in someone else that he started pushing to make a change. I think that is what bothers me most. That I have sat down with him and told him repeatedly the problems that I have been having and it is when I am on the brink of giving up and moving on that he decides to change.

[65tr6]

Recently I had an affair with an old flame of mine. He was my first love. We dated for three years before we broke it off. We realized too late that we still have the same feelings for each other.

 

MrsJones. Wow, lot going on in your life.

 

For starters, can you confess to your husband about your affair ?

[2sure]

QUOTE=MrsJones;2228252]but I find myself still waiting to be loved and cared for

Reach higher.

 

[You can you know. Its an option.

 

I wasnt suggesting you leave for the other guy. Leaving for yourself and finding a life non dependent on people who affect you in a negative way is the option.

[MrsJones]

MrsJones. Wow, lot going on in your life.

For starters, can you confess to your husband about your affair ?

 

My husband knows about my affair. This was something that sparked a huge argument between us. I let out everything as to what I was feeling. How I was feeling neglected and unappreciated. How I was tired of always being the one to make all the decisions, plans etc. How I was tired of always being the one to initiate sex. Most of all how I resented him for not being there for me emotionally when I needed him most. I told him how I felt dead inside. I also told him how I was tired of always having the same conversations as to what I needed from the relationship. All these things I have told him before time and time again and he would change for a few days and go back to the same thing all over again. I made him go out and find a therapist. I wouldn't do it for him because I needed to know that this was something he was doing for himself.

 

I wasnt suggesting you leave for the other guy. Leaving for yourself and finding a life non dependent on people who affect you in a negative way is the option.

 

Thank you 2 sure and that is what I was getting from it also. I just wanted to confirm that I know that the other man is not an option for me.

[2sure]

I know you havent written much. But I can't help but feel you are really really sad. Not in a good place.

Keep posting and you will find that just writing it out is often more help than advice and that encouragement - even from strangers - is sincere.

 

This is your life. You get one. It sounds like you need to make some changes.

[65tr6]

My husband knows about my affair.

 

MrsJ. My respect for you shot right up knowing that the truth is out.

 

I feel very sorry for what you are going through. I know you need more than that.

 

I want to comment on what you said about your life being stuck in a rut and not being able to get out. HOWEVER, there is something you can do about it. Starting this day on, why not work on improving yourself ? Make LOT of changes in your life to get out of that rut.

 

Dont depend on your husband to make these changes. Dont/Stop expect(ing). It is much easier knowing that you can control yourself, your behavior and not others. BUT you can infuence others with what you do.

 

Join a library and start reading. There are great books out there that can help you with that. Dont worry about your marriage right now. Focus on yourself. Dont wallow. It can really really drag you down. Start doing little things in life that please you. Dont expect your husband to do it for you. Take charge of your life. Set little goals in life. Very specific goals. Start journaling. You dont need others to make you happy. You CAN do it yourself. You will find happiness within yourself. I think lot of us make the mistake of not biting in chunks and wanting the moon right away.

 

You said you were tired of initiating sex all the time. I felt the same way with my wife. Guess what, it didnt work for so long so why continue doing the same way you did before knowing fully well what the outcome was going to be. Try something different. Go against your instincts. Change your habits/routines.

 

I also DON'T agree that it takes two. It takes ONE to begin with. And it CAN start with you.

 

How long have you been in therapy ? Can you list 3 things you learnt from therapy ?

[Darth Vader]

My husband knows about my affair. This was something that sparked a huge argument between us. I let out everything as to what I was feeling. How I was feeling neglected and unappreciated. How I was tired of always being the one to make all the decisions, plans etc. How I was tired of always being the one to initiate sex. Most of all how I resented him for not being there for me emotionally when I needed him most. I told him how I felt dead inside. I also told him how I was tired of always having the same conversations as to what I needed from the relationship. All these things I have told him before time and time again and he would change for a few days and go back to the same thing all over again. I made him go out and find a therapist. I wouldn't do it for him because I needed to know that this was something he was doing for himself.

 

 

 

Thank you 2 sure and that is what I was getting from it also. I just wanted to confirm that I know that the other man is not an option for me.

 

 

Sounds like you're blaming your husband for your affair. (Saying to him if he did this or that, I wouldn't have cheated). No excuse for cheating! Sounds in part like the affair was for revenge to hurt your hubby, based upon the fact that you stated that you resented him. So now do you know how much you destroyed his heart?

 

I in no way excuse your husband for wanting you to have an abortion, does he realize the damage that he's caused you?

 

Counseling is a must for both of you.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

In a way it also sounds like you are punishing yourself for having the affair by staying in a marriage in which you are so unhappy and unfulfilled. You deserve much more than that.

It also sounds like he's only in the marriage to have his fetish fulfilled, counselling or not, what changes has he made? How can he make demands on you, like the abortion, when he has no job and you're working two? This is just all wrong.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Both of them are wrong....

 

Him for his mess, her for hers. She needs to own up for what she's doing.

[MrsJones]

Hello Darth,

 

Sounds like you're blaming your husband for your affair. (Saying to him if he did this or that, I wouldn't have cheated). No excuse for cheating! Sounds in part like the affair was for revenge to hurt your hubby, based upon the fact that you stated that you resented him. So now do you know how much you destroyed his heart?

I am not blaming anyone for my affair. I am well aware of what I did and what happened. My actions are my own. However there is a difference from someone cheating because they just wanted to cheat and cheating because they are not getting that affection from the person they need to. There was no revenge to it. I was feeling neglected, unloved and unappreciated.

 

I am well aware how I hurt him. As he is aware how much he hurt me. It takes two people to make a relationship work and for three years I have been the one pushing to make everything work in the relationship. What bothers me is that he waited till I was emotionally exhausted to finally want to make changes within himself to fix this relationship.

 

I am considering counseling again for the abortion. I have kept much of it inside and right now I feel like it has been eating away inside of me. I think it is something that will help me.

[Darth Vader]

Hello Darth,

 

I am not blaming anyone for my affair. I am well aware of what I did and what happened. My actions are my own. However there is a difference from someone cheating because they just wanted to cheat and cheating because they are not getting that affection from the person they need to. There was no revenge to it. I was feeling neglected, unloved and unappreciated.

 

Actually this is a Bullcrap answer! Although it may not have been for revenge, cheating is still cheating! I also see your attempts to justify the cheating for emotional reasons, still Bullcrap! End the marriage before seeing anyone else, because of the irreputable destruction it causes that lasts a lifetime!

 

I am well aware how I hurt him. As he is aware how much he hurt me. It takes two people to make a relationship work and for three years I have been the one pushing to make everything work in the relationship. What bothers me is that he waited till I was emotionally exhausted to finally want to make changes within himself to fix this relationship.

 

I am considering counseling again for the abortion. I have kept much of it inside and right now I feel like it has been eating away inside of me. I think it is something that will help me.

 

 

To the bolded type: Still, end the marriage before riding some other Dude.

 

Did you screw OM, before or after your husband attempted to make the changes? Not that that matters towards your cheating. I think others would like to know that one.

 

Continue with your counseling.

[MrsJones]

Did you screw OM, before or after your husband attempted to make the changes? Not that that matters towards your cheating. I think others would like to know that one.

 

Others, or you? It seems you are taking my cheating as something that violated you personally. I am sorry that you feel that way and I am sorry if you feel my answer did not suit you but it was an honest answer.

[MACABC]

Go and do a google search for marriage builders.....I'm not sure if it's okay for me to promote them, but I think you will get a GREAT deal of good info from there. Best of luck, dear!

[OneTwo]

...However there is a difference from someone cheating because they just wanted to cheat and cheating because they are not getting that affection from the person they need to....

 

 

Nice try. Everybody has their reasons for why they cheated. But for emotionally mature people, it is always because something was lacking in the relationship. So, my question to you is this: did the cheating help? Did you honestly think it would help? If not, then why did you do it?

 

The answer to that question will shed some light on what you need to do about your marriage. If the answer is that you did it to obtain some sort of feeling then you need to really think about why you are in a marriage to begin with. If you feel it is your H's responsibility to make you happy, then you might find that you are not long-term compatible with anybone. You and you alone are responsible for your own happiness, and that doesn't mean taking matters in to your own hands and finding temporary comfort in the arms of another.

 

--Just some points to ponder.

[Darth Vader]

Others, or you? It seems you are taking my cheating as something that violated you personally. I am sorry that you feel that way and I am sorry if you feel my answer did not suit you but it was an honest answer.

 

 

Either.

 

Personally, no. But have you even attempted to put yourself in your husband's shoes, how he may be feeling?

 

Honest answer? To you, your husband, or to people on here?

 

Did you screw OM, before or after your husband attempted to make the changes? Not that that matters towards your cheating. I think others would like to know that one.

 

I'm figuring that if you cheated after your husband was making an effort to change, you possibly did it out of spite, in an effort to hurt him. Even though he was trying to change.

 

If it was before, it's possible that you were attempting to justify your actions, knowing still that would hurt hubby.

 

Either way, it looks like you just wanted some strange.

 

Like the poster above, again, Nice Try.

[MrsJones]

You are failing to realize that I am not trying to justify my cheating on my husband. I am merely admitting it. Yes, I did it. I went out and slept with another man while I was still married to my husband. I had no problem admitting this to him and I have no problem admitting this to you.

 

I am not on this forum for justification, nor am I here to develop a pity party on what I am going through. I am here for my own personal clarification as to why I did it. I am here to try to figure out what my next steps might be. If speaking on a forum amongst strangers can help me understand what I am going through then I am willing to give it a try.

 

OneTwo - "Did the cheating help? Did you honestly think it would help? If not, then why did you do it?"

 

In a sense, Yes, it did. In my marriage with my husband, I have always told him what I felt and what I needed from the relationship. I believe in communication and all cards being on the table. In some cases he would change and try harder for a few days. Then it was right back to the same old things and I would go right back to feeling what I was feeling and we would go round in round. The only time my husband would ever truly make an effort to change is when he senses someone else may have interest in me. That's when the flowers come, the dates, dinners etc. It shouldn't be this way. It should not take someone else making a move for you to appreciate what you have. I told my husband this just as I am telling you now. Again let me reiterate I am not looking for justification. I am just giving you insight to what is going on between my husband and myself.

 

Due to my cheating and being honest with it, my husband now realizes that and understands that I am not happy. My unhappiness is not something he can just sweep under the rug. That it is not helping me in this marriage and everything cannot be left to one person when you are in a relationship. He is seeking counseling and I am working on going back to counseling for myself. I know now that they are a lot of issues I need to deal with as well. One being my abortion. I cannot say whether this marriage will work out in the end. That is something that only time can tell but right now, I feel, we are both taking steps in the right direction. We are trying to get things sorted out with ourselves. It may not be much but right now I am happy with it.