dprelz Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I've been waiting for this day my whole life. For the past 4 years all I did was work so hard and be patient. I had 1 dream for the past 28 years of my life. Today It got crushed. I feel deeply in love with my first and only love. I ****ed it up and made mistakes and she left. I've been trying to better myself for years now In order to show her how much I care and how much I would sacrifice to see her smile. I've been dreaming about this day. I wrote her the most heartfelt letter I could possibly imagine. I read it to myself over and over again, each time crying harder than the next. I went to her office today to give her a note with a secret website where I posted the letter. The receptionist told me she's gone for a month for her honeymoon. You should have seen my reaction. Then she looked away like she could not care less. What a ****ing bitch. I've worked maybe 10-12 hours a day for the last couple years. I've ran maybe 5-6 KM every couple of days. I'm doing 1000 situps a day, 100 pullups, couple hundred pushups. Every pushup, every step, every single ounce of pain I would imagine her face in my head. I never stopped. My body would tell me it's going to collapse from pain and I would keep going. And then I would keep going until I was trembling in pain. I know you think this is irrelevant but it's just an analogy for the kind of mental power, discipline and purity I posses. Anyways, I have an eight-pack now and I feel good. I have a fully furnished apartment I bought for us 4 years ago, right when she left. I have my own internet business with a couple partners. I feel great and I have everything I ever wanted. I can't even write down in words how badly I want to die right now. My last 5 google searches are, "I want to die", "painless death", "drinking bleach", "life is pointless" and "what is the point of life". I'm scared because I'm not crying. I can't cry anymore. I'm thinking so clearly but I have a rage inside me I can't explain. I want to die. I want to kill. I'm already dead. Believe me. I'm not a 12 year old emo girl suffering from a 2 week breakup. This woman was my soul. My life. My only dream since I was a kid. I wrote her this letter. It's the best thing I have ever written --- Here goes everything... What would you say If I told you I finally found what I was looking for? Would you believe me If I said I found my own happiness. All those years of struggling & suffering were not a waste of time because, I have come to the ultimate realization. I found out who I am. I realized my identity. All those years of lonely solitude, the 3:15 AM hockey practices, Even the reason why I chose design over programming, (which caused many fights with my dad) The reasons why I was never happy with making a lot of money, The reasons why I could never enjoy my fancy, expensive car. Suddenly everything makes sense and I feel a certain calmness that I've never felt. It feels like there is ice water in my veins; and I walk different. My voice even changed. My entire life I've always pushed and punished myself to go the hardest route. My entire life I always wanted to take the most painful path possible. My entire life I was a problem that could never be solved. There was always something bothering me, bugging me, haunting me Either I was sick or angry or unhappy. I was so lost for so long - and the more I struggled the more I was confused. I've asked myself why so many times. I have a very special gift, I am blessed from God. I have the power to love like no other. Because I always knew that pain was power. And love is pain. I would always push myself, further, harder than anyone. I would punish myself and hide. Thinking. Always thinking. Alone. I realized everyone is something. And we can't change who we are. When you left, I was a sad, confused boy. That is why I could NEVER blame you. How could I lead us when I didn't know where I was going? I was in an endless cycle of confusion & sadness. I am a fighter and that is the only thing I've ever known. Like ancient warriors before me, I seek truth. Through pain, sacrifice, solitude & discipline. My whole life I always wanted to be the best man I could ever be. Because all I ever dreamt about was my perfect woman who would appreciate all the sacrifices I have ever made, even before we met. If pain is power then I have become the strongest man alive. Because NOTHING can ever compare to the pain I felt walking up those steps to hear him call you "Honey" I must have did 1100 situps that day. Because I feel no pain anymore. Because nothing can compare to that day Life is about balance. Something I never could understand. I finally reached my equilibrium. Life is just a journey to our final destination, our destiny. You are my destiny. I've never been so sure of it. I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love with you. We were on the couch at Michael's house, we had just rented the first Bourne movie (although we didn't watch it) You said something along the lines of "why do you like me?" in your soft, beautiful voice. I took both your hands with mine and looked straight into your eyes. I kissed your nose and whispered "I love your nose", I kissed your lips and whispered "I love your lips", I kissed your eyes and said "I love your eyes", and we both began to cry. That night our souls connected. And we formed a bond that supersedes anything on this earth I remember a long time ago, I was just a kid and my math teacher was introducing 2 new ways to solve a problem. One way was to use a formula, and the other was trial and error. I couldn't force myself to use the formula because I had no idea why it worked. I had too much pride to just follow through the motions. The "answer" and "problem" didn't matter to me because I wanted to get there honestly & truthfully. This is my way. So from that point on I made up my mind and convinced myself that would be my way. Because I knew I had the biggest heart, because I knew I could go longer than anyone else. Because I knew when it came down to it, that I would never give up. And that is what makes me. And it is that simple. All those years of suffering, sadness & loneliness because I didn't understand who I was. It almost drove my crazy why I didn't receive any joy from hanging out with friends. It almost drove my crazy when I was not happy to make a 6 figure income when I was only 18. Because, have you ever seen me wash my car? Because, have you ever seen me buy expensive clothes, a flashy watch or expensive shoes? Truth is I don't care. I can live without anything. Except you I have to be the hero. I have to fight the hardest. I can never give up. Baby, you must believe me when I say I have become a strong, focused & good man. Baby, you must believe me when I say I have never ever given up on you, on us, even for one second of one day. Because I always knew I would find a woman who when I look into her eyes, I see my family, my life, my home. Everything makes sense now. I feel so calm. Baby, believe me. I chose design because design is the search for order and truth. Design is tranquility. I chose hockey as a kid because it takes the most discipline and heart. I was always the smallest kid on the ice and that just made me try harder. I would get hit & get right back up. Because the truth is, I love pain. Pain makes me stronger. And I could never feel more pain than that day. Baby, you must believe me when I tell you our love can last the test of time. Because I have already proved it to myself. Because after all this time my hands have never touched another. You are more than I will ever need. If you think I am too late you are mistaken. if you think I am too late you are wrong. If you think I am too late you are not the one. Because I could never be the man I am today without our past. And I am better than I have ever been. Baby, listen closely because this is the most important part. I KNOW you think It could never be. I know your heart is filled with guilt, sorrow & regret. But you MUST believe me when I tell you that it will all be washed away with just one kiss. The pain from the past will all be washed away when you realize our future, is together. I know it's not easy to understand, but you must believe me. You cannot settle for a passionless marriage, where you don't know if you are dead or alive. Love is the only thing that separates us from the animals. Love is what makes us human. Don't deny me the satisfaction of your presence. Because you were always my sweetest victory. Imagine my eyes when they finally gaze directly into yours. Imagine how fast my heart will tremble when it realizes our souls have finally reconnected again, after all these years. Imagine the power of our tears as we finally wake up from this nightmare. Ever since you left I've often had this dream. It is Armageddon and the world is ending. There is chaos and people are running as fast as they can. There are fireballs being catapulted towards me and my heart is pounding a million times a second. Through all this confusion my thoughts stay steadfast, even while dreaming, I repeat to myself, "I have to find laily, where is laily, where is laily, where is laily" Until I finally find you and our reconnection is the most powerful thing I've ever felt. And then I wake up in ultimate sadness to realize it is just a dream. I look to my right where you used to sleep beside me every night and there is emptiness. In my entire life this is my only dream. You are my only dream. You have no name because you are you. You are she And I am he and we are us Baby, I could never write down on paper all the lessons I have learned. There is no language that can express the changes I have made. My worst nightmare is when I go back and think of your pain when we were together. All those nights you were hoping for me to change. All those nights you secretly slept in sadness. Because I can not live with myself for hurting you. I can't stand the thought of tears falling from your eye. I am begging you to give me the opportunity to make it up to you. Please, don't judge me for the mistakes I made as a boy. Judge me for the man I have become. Baby, I changed my entire life. I run 6 km a day. And just yesterday I did 1000 situps. I just want to be the best for you. Every girl I see looks at me and they want me. But they don't know I had given up my heart so many years ago, to the most special woman I have ever met. A woman so beautiful I would suffer in eternity for her happiness. Baby, take my hand - because I would walk through fire to protect you. Baby, take my hand - because I would kill a man with my bare hands if only' to ensure your safety. Baby, take my hand - because I promise I will die before ever hurting you again. I've thought of the right words to say to you for many years now, though I could never seem to actually write them down. Baby, I work all day long now in an effort to show you I have changed. Please, let me show you. Baby, I have burnt every ounce of fat off my entire body just to give you pleasure. Please, let me show you. Baby, I am taking care of my mom & family, because I know that is what a real man does. Please, let me show you. Can't you see I am stronger than you? My love will swallow you whole and protect your from now until the end of time. You could never kill me. Baby, the sadness and loneliness that tore us apart so many years ago, It is gone. This is a promise I can make to you No more being sad about the past. I know what my future is. And it is with you. Baby, listen to me closely. Your path is not easy, just like mine. I know you have doubts but you must believe me, because I would never lie to you. He is just a red herring, and he is not the one. Imagine the look on my face when you knock on my door after all these years. The same way I have been dreaming about endlessly Baby, I have nothing more to figure out and I am ready for you. Baby, I have saved all my dreams, thoughts and secrets to share with you. Baby, hop on my back because I want to take you to places you've never been. I want to spend the entire night pleasing you, like I should have all those years ago. I want to spoil you with gifts, the same way I tried to do all those years ago. I want you to feel safe with me. I want you to come home. Because nothing could ever compare to you. You are more than I ever imagined. How dare you think I could possibly find someone better than you. I remember a long long time ago, when we first started going out. We were hanging out in a parking lot and it was the first time I introduced you to my friends. And I swear to god I've never been so proud in my life. I remember when we took the pictures in the mall. In one of the pictures I have my tongue out and I am making a silly face. That was the best day of my life. Baby, I need to feel the warmth of your touch. I need to feel the softness of your cheeks as they caress onto my face. I need to smell the scent of your neck. Because If I said I missed you I would be lying. There are no words to describe the longing I have for you. Baby, PLEASE give me the chance to make it up to you. Because I will never fall asleep before you. Because I will never wake up later than you. I will never give up and I will never stop loving you. Baby, the man we both thought I would eventually become, it's a reality. He is I. And I am him. I just pray that you give me the opportunity to show you. And for the record, I love you. --- When I was 16 I suffered a horrific hockey accident. My femur (the biggest bone in your body) came out of my leg and my knee was crushed. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital and I was in critical condition. At one point the surgeon told my parents "they lost me" and they thought I was going to die. 2 years ago, my dad died a very painful death from an aggressive form of cancer. He died right in front of me. In pain & agony and I just watched him bang the walls in pain. That is nothing compared to what I feel right now. I can't even tell you. It's not even sadness, it's not even emptiness. It's beyond explanation. I feel like death. I am death. My mind is blank. I just lost her and he won. The same face I'm going to have nightmares about for the rest of my life. She doesn't want to be loved the way I love her. She wants him. The most I can do is nothing. I don't even know why I'm posting this because nobody can help me. I want to veer on oncoming traffic. I want to rip his face off and rip his heart out with my bear hands. I can't believe it is finally over. Where do I go from here. I absolutely 100% do not believe in god. I believe I'm going to kill
on edge Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Please go to therapy. You need to talk to a professional.
fabulous_chk Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 dprelz! Don't do anything crazy! Hang in there! We're all here to support you! A thousand *hugs* from me. From LS people. We are all suffering here, in varying degrees. Please keep talking here. Talk to us.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Please go to therapy. You need to talk to a professional. I find that comment very offensive. If you have no support to give and nothing nice to say. Don't say anything at all. Were not here to slam eachother. We are here to help eachother. If that was suppose to be helpful, it sure didn't sound like it. dprelz.. You have been working on yourself for a long time. It sounds like you have come a long way. We all have some idea of who our soulmates are, at the time of being with someone most of us assume and feel like that person is it. When we are left behind with false hope of reconciliation, were really not letting go. It hurts ... it hurts alot. If your feeling suicidal you really should talk to someone. You now have to find somthing or someone else that will make you happy. You have a jump on some of us. You haven't been with her in a while. You have everything you want. Somthing might be missing but in reality it isn't her. We are all here for you, you do deserve to be happy. Love, J
on edge Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I find that comment very offensive. If you have no support to give and nothing nice to say. Don't say anything at all. Were not here to slam eachother. We are here to help eachother. If that was suppose to be helpful, it sure didn't sound like it. dprelz.. You have been working on yourself for a long time. It sounds like you have come a long way. We all have some idea of who our soulmates are, at the time of being with someone most of us assume and feel like that person is it. When we are left behind with false hope of reconciliation, were really not letting go. It hurts ... it hurts alot. If your feeling suicidal you really should talk to someone. You now have to find somthing or someone else that will make you happy. You have a jump on some of us. You haven't been with her in a while. You have everything you want. Somthing might be missing but in reality it isn't her. We are all here for you, you do deserve to be happy. Love, J If you read OP's entire post and did not reach that same conclusion, you're an idiot. OP googled "drinking bleach." OP, sorry if it was harsh. But you really need to talk to a professional.
uphillbattle Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 that is pretty intense man u do sound extremely driven and if thats the case and u are a true warrior then u will fight your way out of this depression as well.it sounds like the second chance u need has to be given to you by yourself and no one else. and u shouldnt do all these things you did to get her back for any person but yourself. u promised yourself her and thats a promise no one can make but her. still give her the letter.
2sure Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 that is pretty intense man u do sound extremely driven and if thats the case and u are a true warrior then u will fight your way out of this depression as well.it sounds like the second chance u need has to be given to you by yourself and no one else. and u shouldnt do all these things you did to get her back for any person but yourself. u promised yourself her and thats a promise no one can make but her. still give her the letter. This is probably the most insightful and compassionate advice I have ever read here on LS. Love to anyone who can so easily verbalize the truth to a stranger so completely!! BUT. Poster - you can't send the letter. The letter is for you, not for her. It sounds like you broke up years ago. She has chosen a life. She just got married. Dont do that to her. Its not the time, if it ever will be. Her life and what she needs, wants, loves, and deserves is not for you to decide.
Author dprelz Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I'm not going to drink bleach obviously. If that's the only thing you picked up from the post then you are the moron. People like you are disgusting because you are so weak and jealous that I am the strong to actually fight that hard for her, even though in the end it was pointless. The point of that line was to show the depth of pain I'm In right now and.. I don't know I can't describe it. I'm not depressed. I'm actually happy. That's why I am ready for her now. My life is great and everything is setup but I don't give a **** about anything except her, never have and probablly never will. Sometimes I don't know why I post here even though this is my only support system besides myself. I hate when guys reply to my posts because they don't understand and they are so ignorant with their comments. Do you know how bad I could kick the **** out of you in a fight? You're not even on my level as a human being so shut the **** up. That letter is so good, I can't believe it came from my fingers. I was POSITIVE that it would change things because it highlights every change and everything I've done since we were. The problem is me, obviously. You can tell me to let go and "move on" a billion times, but I am pretty sure I am a masochist. Why the **** would I do that to myself. Why out of all the days I picked to see her again she is gone on her honeymoon. What kind of sick luck is that. She's probablly ****ing him right now as we speak. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I should join the army or something. How much pain can one person endure for mistakes they did in the past? Obviously she is an amazing women because the next person that dated her locked her up and they are gonna get married. I'm not even joking with you, I would sign a deal with the devil to sit in a dark room for 15 years if that meant I could spend the last hour of my life to die in her arms. **** you guys piss me off, holy ****. I bear my soul on this site and you reply like a prick thinking you are smart. What I wouldn't give to see you say that to my face.
on edge Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Please go to therapy. You need to talk to a professional. And you know nothing about me, so don't try and compare yourself to me.
Author dprelz Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I know what a big part of the problem is. It's the guy she's with. He's nothing compared to her. He's such a fat piece of crap, he's ugly, he's been divorced and he's way older then me. How can he beat me. How can he win. How is he a better man for her than me. He can't be more selfless than me. If it came do it he would save himself rather than save her. How can he beat me. I always win and this is a loss I can't take. A big part of it is not even about her. I think if the guy she ended up with was a better person I could handle it. But I know this guy will end up screwing her.. I just know it. It's almost as if I just want to protect her. I think I can handle her being with someone else, just not that guy. And how the **** can I be with another women now? I get every single 18-19 year old chick looking at me because I look like I'm the godamn UFC. I can't even move because I have muscles over top of muscles. But I couldn't care LESS about them because they are dumb as rocks. This chick was like a mensa genius and that turned me on like you couldn't believe. Imagine how crazy our kids would be. I have good genes. I can build muscles easy, huge calf muscles, high IQ, graduated unversity, come from a good family., etc blah blah. She is just smart & sweet. I thought I had everything figured out. It's supposed to be science. She's supposed to want to reproduce with the best mate. What the ****. Dude weighs like 200 pounds and probablly sweats like a garbage man and on top of that cheats on her with his ex-wife. I mean Cmon what the ****. I guess it makes sense in a way.. she always had low self-worth. ****in communist china screwed her brain, she's like a robot programmed to work. Never took a day off. The only day she took off was the day I went to see her. Congrats universe, well played
Author dprelz Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 And you know nothing about me, so don't try and compare yourself to me. Stop replying to this thread because you are not helping me.
on edge Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It doesn't sound like you want help. Good luck with your calf muscles.
uphillbattle Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 u know wut on the other hand u sound much to self centered to deserve a chance with this girl now because not having her has mad u a hater. no one needs muscles to be in love no one needs to kick someones ass in a fight to win someones heart. no you dont deserve this girl because you are not happy with yourself u cannot love others if u do not love yourself first. thats why u work out to no end and have a 6 figure job your insecurity for yourself outweighs your ability to love. you are obsessed with the fact that u think u deserve this girl when u had her to begin with and ****ed it up ******* now its her decision whether u can have her or not. good luck with that
Author dprelz Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 No, I'm just confused and really angry right now. I'm interested genetics & DNA. I can totally see how that sounded self-centered, but believe me I am not. That was a stupid thing to say. I'm not obssesed with looks at all, I don't even go to the gym. I just work out on my own. I'm a pretty lonely person, this I can agree to. I don't care about money at all. I was unhappy making a lot of money. I apologize If I came across as a jerk in the last couple of posts. I have so much anger right now it obviously got misplaced. I appreciate your help. I am phoning a counsellor right now. I need to get this woman off my mind. Probablly need to deal with other problems as well. Sorry.. I can't imagine how much of an ******* I look right now:o I just really loved her, that's all. I wish I could be a better man. Guess she deserved better and found better. I really should stop posting on this site. I just leech support of people and obviously I have issues that need to be addressed before I can even take these comments to heart. Lot of posters really tried to help me, not just here but in the past. Look at my join date for crying out loud. Sigh Sorry about that guy, you were right. Maybe deep down I always want to fight because I just want to die.
Montclair0011 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 dprelz, I know what it is like to obsess over lost love for long periods of time. I've never met anyone as bad as I am in that department. Nevertheless, the obsession presented in your posts rivals anything I could even imagine. I feel so bad for you because hell probably looks like a luxury resort compared to your daily existence. Please realize somehow that it does not have to be like this and that you can have a much better life. I know that other poster was a bit brisk, but please, please, please get yourself some professional help. You will not be able to do this on your own. You are in too deep. There is help out there and you will be able to find some relief from this stressful state. Go see someone as soon as possible and let us know how you are doing.
uphillbattle Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 hey man im not trying to make u look like an ******* and now i apologize for being harsh i just wanna help. when i read your letter u wrote to her it moved me dude u said alot of things that i would like to sum up like that and tell someone i love. it was insipiring and made me realize how much i want and need this girl im giving a second chance to. love u will find my friend u just need to live your life not always working towards something but just to live your life and enjoy everyday of it. i dunno this quote might sound gay but it makes a lot of sense. remember the past plan for the future but live for today because the past is gone and tomorrow may never come. it helps me. and maybe therapy is a good idea at least then can have someone to talk to in person. even try your friends man i mean i know most of my friends are not the brightest but sometimes i find them inspiring and filled with useful knowledge lol. anyways sorry for snapping i just wanted to help u a little cause u helped me even though u didnt know it. ps there aint nothing wrong with being ripped and loaded either just be humble about it because that **** dont really matter when it comes to love. peace
wuggle Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I just really loved her, that's all. I wish I could be a better man. Guess she deserved better and found better. I think a better man would have cut her the f*ck loose 3 years ago and not let his life be completely wasted dwelling on this sh*t. I am glad you are not with her as you would probably hurt her. Grow up and move on. I bet if you close your eyes you can't even picture her clearly, this stupid obsession sounds like it has eaten you up completely. Is there anything left ?
fabulous_chk Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I kind of wanna marry dprelz.:love::love: His love is something like you would see in a movie or read in a novel. It's amazing to be that in love. But the girl is an idiot to not realize this. It's her loss. Big time. dprelz, all your love is not in vain though. you have achieved financial and physical health, which will serve you when you next fall in love. To the woman who'd appreciate you. you just need to open your eyes and open up to the world. Good luck dprelz. sending good karma your way.
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