Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Men are all strong, independent, self-respecting, high self-esteem prize princes, so they don't have any insecurities, well, except for those pesky narcissists.
Star Gazer Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 For all the reasons previously stated, I would not call a guy who gave me his number.
Stockalone Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Okay, now I am curious. Ruby, Touche, TBF, you are all women I have gotten to know from your posts on LS as women who know what they want. How is it possible that a no from you didn't mean no in some cases? I don't understand that. Is there a no that is more like a maybe and can eventually become a yes if the guy keeps trying? How did you reject those guys in the first place? Did you reject those men in a "not right now, but you are welcome to try again later" kind of way?
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Stock, there were reasons why I said no to begin with, reasons I won't share in this thread, since it's moot to the OP. After all, they were all desperate narcissists, right?
Touche Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Okay, now I am curious. Ruby, Touche, TBF, you are all women I have gotten to know from your posts on LS as women who know what they want. How is it possible that a no from you didn't mean no in some cases? I don't understand that. Is there a no that is more like a maybe and can eventually become a yes if the guy keeps trying? How did you reject those guys in the first place? Did you reject those men in a "not right now, but you are welcome to try again later" kind of way? No. I've told my story. I felt the timing was off and not right for me. It was nothing personal. He did keep asking for my number and I turned him down. He gave me his. I called him for the reason I already stated (not wanting to let my ex ruin the rest of my life) but also because when we met, and I explained my situation and circumstances and my reason for not giving him my number, he said he didn't care. He said he'd be happy to see me as strictly friends with no other agenda or expectation...that he genuinely enjoyed my company. Funny, it could sound like a "line" but from him it didn't. He seemed sincere. And I appreciated his effort and desire in expressing his interest in me. My "not now" become a "why NOT now?" And the rest (14 years later) is history as they say.
alphamale Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 women generally know within a few minutes of meeting a new man whether they'll give him their number if he asks.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Okay, now I am curious. Ruby, Touche, TBF, you are all women I have gotten to know from your posts on LS as women who know what they want. How is it possible that a no from you didn't mean no in some cases? I don't understand that. Is there a no that is more like a maybe and can eventually become a yes if the guy keeps trying? How did you reject those guys in the first place? Did you reject those men in a "not right now, but you are welcome to try again later" kind of way? I have had four serious relationships, and all but one of those started out as friendships, when one or both of us were already in romantic relationships. So, these were not "cold approach" scenarios. I am only now realizing that the cold approach relationship was my least connected and fulfilling one. I guess this means I prefer to become friends with a man before beginning a relationship -- I think this is a great idea, as it gives you time to figure out if you're a good match, without the effect of blinding you to each other's faults that comes with sexual passion/the mating drive. Once I became single, in each of these cases, flirtation from the men began to heat up, and eventually, they made their intentions clear. My first love, for instance, started making more and more flirtatious comments, getting us into more datey situations, directing a lot of his focus toward me. Eventually, both single, we became close friends, spending almost all our free time together, but not crossing the line into physical connection. I responded by hinting that a relationship was appealing, but complicated because in 6 months, he would be moving to the East Coast (from the South) to do this year-long music school program. I could tell he understood that and had the same reservation. (Also, I was his boss at the time, and he was constantly challenging my authority. I think it both infuriated and aroused him that I did not let him overpower me.) We continued to dance around our worries about the logistical roadblock, and the attraction continued its slow-burning intensification. Eventually, once all signals were pretty much go, he made a move on me, I welcomed it, and the connection was so red hot there was no turning back. We had a blissful six months, a torturous year apart after that, and about five years of passionate on and off. *sigh* Young love.
Stockalone Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Stock, there were reasons why I said no to begin with, reasons I won't share in this thread, since it's moot to the OP. After all, they were all desperate narcissists, right? Fair enough. There are some of my own prejudices at work here. The only men I know/knew who behaved like that, I wouldn't have called good men. They hardly fit through a door because of their inflated ego (or confidence if you will) and would never take no for an answer, not in their professional lifes and also not around women. But that was not because they thought that the woman was so special but because that was their MO. They wanted to have something and didn't really care if the object of their effection shared that interest because it was impossible to think that she eventually wouldn't. They weren't desperate but I am fairly certain a good portion of them would qualify as narcissists. Though I simply call them smug bastards. Think fighter pilot with an attitude or the big shot in the company who chases after only one particular skirt each hunting season. I called him for the reason I already stated (not wanting to let my ex ruin the rest of my life) but also because when we met, and I explained my situation and circumstances and my reason for not giving him my number, he said he didn't care. He said he'd be happy to see me as strictly friends with no other agenda or expectation...that he genuinely enjoyed my company. Funny, it could sound like a "line" but from him it didn't. He seemed sincere. And I appreciated his effort and desire in expressing his interest in me. My "not now" become a "why NOT now?" And the rest (14 years later) is history as they say. Thanks for answering. I guess I was wondering (in general) if when that happened to you and the other ladies if it was just a case of the right guy at the wrong time. You probably wouldn't have taken the time to explain to a guy you had zero interest in why you wouldn't give him his number in the first place. In a "not now scenario" I can understand why a guy would keep trying. That is not a flat-out rejection.
Touche Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Fair enough. There are some of my own prejudices at work here. The only men I know/knew who behaved like that, I wouldn't have called good men. They hardly fit through a door because of their inflated ego (or confidence if you will) and would never take no for an answer, not in their professional lifes and also not around women. But that was not because they thought that the woman was so special but because that was their MO. They wanted to have something and didn't really care if the object of their effection shared that interest because it was impossible to think that she eventually wouldn't. They weren't desperate but I am fairly certain a good portion of them would qualify as narcissists. Though I simply call them smug bastards. Think fighter pilot with an attitude or the big shot in the company who chases after only one particular skirt each hunting season. Thanks for answering. I guess I was wondering (in general) if when that happened to you and the other ladies if it was just a case of the right guy at the wrong time. You probably wouldn't have taken the time to explain to a guy you had zero interest in why you wouldn't give him his number in the first place. In a "not now scenario" I can understand why a guy would keep trying. That is not a flat-out rejection. right, I didn't flat out reject him. I just basically told him that I wasn't ready to date. and you're right I wouldn't have bothered explaining if I had zero interest. He was nice and very sincere and I felt that I owed him an explanation. Had he been pushy and rude and in my face, I wouldn't have bothered explaining my circumstance at all.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Fair enough. There are some of my own prejudices at work here. The only men I know/knew who behaved like that, I wouldn't have called good men. They hardly fit through a door because of their inflated ego (or confidence if you will) and would never take no for an answer, not in their professional lifes and also not around women. But that was not because they thought that the woman was so special but because that was their MO. They wanted to have something and didn't really care if the object of their effection shared that interest because it was impossible to think that she eventually wouldn't. They weren't desperate but I am fairly certain a good portion of them would qualify as narcissists. Though I simply call them smug bastards. Think fighter pilot with an attitude or the big shot in the company who chases after only one particular skirt each hunting season. Do you have a copy of dating CV/Resume? Actually, my ex-H has NPD and is an EVP and the other, was an actor, so yes, it's possible he has a narcissist streak in him, albeit very well hidden. For an actor, he's pretty cool, in that his head actually fit through the door! Part of the reason I'm laughing is that many of the men I've dated were/are what you would call "big shots" in companies and yes, waayyy back when, I did date a fighter pilot but only for a short while. He was exciting, fun and full of life but I couldn't take him seriously, since I was certain he had a woman in every city, regardless of what he said. I think these men do have dating skills that some on LS could use. Overall, they didn't have a lack of confidence and weren't afraid to go get what they wanted. Of course I'm going to get some flak now for dating this kind of man or "bragging" about my dating life...
Stockalone Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Thanks again to all three of you for your replies and I apologize for my abysmal English tonight. I am only now realizing that the cold approach relationship was my least connected and fulfilling one. I guess this means I prefer to become friends with a man before beginning a relationship -- I think this is a great idea, as it gives you time to figure out if you're a good match, without the effect of blinding you to each other's faults that comes with sexual passion/the mating drive. I responded by hinting that a relationship was appealing, but... I think it is great that it has worked for you like that. But going from friendship to relationship doesn't seem to be happening too often, you are very lucky. right, I didn't flat out reject him. I just basically told him that I wasn't ready to date. and you're right I wouldn't have bothered explaining if I had zero interest. He was nice and very sincere and I felt that I owed him an explanation. Had he been pushy and rude and in my face, I wouldn't have bothered explaining my circumstance at all. That makes sense. Part of the reason I'm laughing is that many of the men I've dated were/are what you would call "big shots" in companies and yes, waayyy back when, I did date a fighter pilot but only for a short while. He was exciting, fun and full of life but I couldn't take him seriously, since I was certain he had a woman in every city, regardless of what he said. LOL at the fighter pilot. I had no idea. It's just that they are the epitome of the kind of guy I was thinking of. I had never met another group of men in my life who needed to be taken down a notch that badly. Things got out of hand eventually and led to an ugly brawl. Not one of my proudest moments, even though we won. I think these men do have dating skills that some on LS could use. Overall, they didn't have a lack of confidence and weren't afraid to go get what they wanted. Of course I'm going to get some flak now for dating this kind of man or "bragging" about my dating life... My theory is that dating acts as a counterbalance to their professional lives. It's recreational for them, they have cultivated their dating skills and they have learned to be good at it if it didn't come naturally to them. And some of their professional skills can easily be modified to be used in dating. Watching them and analyzing their MO is interesting, but also very frustrating given that those men are my natural enemies. It's no fun to be on the losing side of the war. To discover that utilizing such skills basically got me my best dating results was a shocking experience. That was one of the major reasons why I stopped dating. But I agree with you. If one doesn't mind the methods, such skills can be very helpful.
WineCountry Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 NO I do not call guys. If a guy gives you his number he is only half interested or he's one of those lazy types who expect women to do all the work. But guaranteed that same guy will do extra work himself when he finds that one woman that blows his mind. I don't do well with "half interested" he has to be enthusiastic and a phone call my way is the one sure way to see his level of enthusiasm. This seems to be the tone of the responses here, and I'm floored. As a woman, I have no problem with a guy giving me his number. How on earth the 'mere' fact of his giving me his number makes him lazy, uninterested, shiftless, etc..is beyond me. To me, it would be the CONVERSATION I had with the guy, his attitude, and whether or not I was honestly attracted to him, that would determine whether I had any interest in getting to know him. NOT who gave whose number first. So, if i was attracted to the guy, and through whatever conversation with him he sounded like a decent enough guy, then yes I WOULD take his number and call him. If he sounded like an a$$ who was lazy, disinterested, etc.. then I wouldnt take HIS number OR give him MINE. Period. I dont give men who give off that vibe the time of day. Some women say it makes the guy appear like he just hands out his number to random women. How? His ATTITUDE and the conversation you have with him should be what gives you that idea. A man who asks for a womans number can do the same type of thing; just go around trying to collect as many numbers as he can. Which I've seen done. I dont think things like that determine whether or not a guy is sincere, or lazy, etc. He may actually be trying NOT to come of as a leech whose just trying to pocket as many numbers as possible, and wants the woman to feel comfy in calling him when she is ready. So again, I use these things to determine whether I want to talk to a man again, and whether I would call him; 1. My honest physical attraction to him 2. His attitude 3. How our initial conversation went. If all three of those things are good, then to me it doesnt matter if he gave me his number and asked me to call, or if we exchanged, or he asked for mine, etc. What's all that matter if number 1,2, and 3 are met with approval??? Not everyone has read the manuel on how you are supposed to do things. Some people just be themselves. But, I guess I need a copy of the 'Rules' book or something.
MusicChick24 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I noticed this scenario alot at the college I attend. Alot of guys will give you their number and be like "hit me up if you wanna hang or go to the clubs together" but never ask for your number. Now this is how it works for me. If a guy offers his number I'll take it down in my phone, but only if I'm really interested will I make the effort to text him, therefore giving him my number and reminding him of who I was and where I saw him etc. If he doesn't text back, nothing lost. If he makes the effort to keep contact I'll see him. Other than that just because a guy gives me his number and we had a good chat doesn't mean I will call him.
WineCountry Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Other than that just because a guy gives me his number and we had a good chat doesn't mean I will call him. I agree. And that works BOTH ways. Just because we had a good chat and he asked for MY number, doesnt mean i will give him my number, or the right number. Seriously, I believe all this who wanted whose number first, or who gave who their number first, blah blah....I believe all this is nonsense. Bottom line is, if a woman is truly digging a guy, she will call. Some poor sap that is like borderline may not get a call, but that's cause he is borderline anyway. But if you meet some dude that gets your heart beating, makes you smile/laugh like within 10 minutes of meeting him, you will take that number and call. You gonna sit there and go "well..he's cute, funny, has manners, seemed interested in what I had to say, is single, and he only focused on me even though there were 50 other chicks in this room " BUT..BUT..oh DANG..HE gave me HIS number and asked me to call. Too bad, throw him back. How petty is that?? Yah..ok. If a woman does that, she deserves to be single, IMO.
WineCountry Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 [QUOTE=MusicChick24;2228899]I noticed this scenario alot at the college I attend. Alot of guys will give you their number and be like "hit me up if you wanna hang or go to the clubs together" but never ask for your number. And see THAT is not the attitude I'm talking about. If a guy acts like THAT..then of course I wouldnt call. That is my point. The MERE fact that a guy gives you his number and asks you to call then, is not the issue. IT'S HOW THE GUY COMES OFF TO YOU. If his attitude appeared crappy, like he could care less, then why WOULD you call?? But, if some guy came up to you, was polite, funny, seemed truly 'into' talking to you, ( 'you' being women in general ) and gave you GOOD vibes, was attractive to you, and gave you his number and asked you to call.. why wouldnt you?? Just because HE gave YOU his number and asked you to call HIM?? I just dont get that. Hell, like I said...maybe he hasnt read the manuel in Chapter 5 Section 3 that says; No Man shall Giveth his numbereth To a Woman.
butcher's hook Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 [but, if some guy came up to you, was polite, funny, seemed truly 'into' talking to you, ( 'you' being women in general ) and gave you GOOD vibes, was attractive to you, and gave you his number and asked you to call.. why wouldnt you?? Because a guy who fits the description of everything you said up there wouldn't give you his number and say "call me". Guys who are genuinely interested in a girl would not chance putting the ball in her court if he is really interested in seeing her again. He would end the pleasant encounter with "can I get your number?" and make sure to get a feel for whether there is a chance you will see him again. That's been my experience every time. I think only men who are half interested pull out a card and say "call me". Never has a man whom I had an engaging and interesting encounter with said "call me". There is always that girl who will call him and pursue him, and that same guy will be off jumping through hoops and pursuing the girl he is really interested in as soon as he meets her.
butcher's hook Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Besides, think about it. What could possibly stop a guy from asking for your number at the end of a really good conversation where he felt connected and interested in being with you again? It's not like he is going up to random women in a place and saying "hey mind if I call you?". You actually had a connection together, he already broke the ice by talking to you. The answer is "disinterest" That is the only thing that will stop a guy from asking for your number and lazily tell you "call me" instead.
cyril's fan Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I think only men who are half interested pull out a card and say "call me". Never has a man whom I had an engaging and interesting encounter with said "call me". There are already men who ask women for their numbers but never call. (One of the reasons being they aren't that interested). So what makes these men come across as MORE interested when they give their numbers to the women and ask them to call? kizik, you won't come across as overeager by asking a woman for her number. It's in the way you do it.
Isolde Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I did it once (well, texted) and we went out once or twice. He was very passive and didn't seem all that interested, but I'm sure it didn't have anything to do with the fact that I took some initiative. Still, I wouldn't generally do this.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I'm a woman. And no, I wouldn't call you either. There is nothing wrong with giving your phone number to a woman, but if you don't ask for hers in return then you are saying "I am lazy and I don't care enough to actually call you". End of story. If you want to meet a lady, you have to call a lady and ask her out on a real date. A lot of people may not agree with that but women who aren't desperate for a(ny) man will not initiate with someone who doesn't even care to ask for her number. ABSOLUTELY. Handing me his number and telling me to call if I want to "hang out" sounds so casual and flip that I wouldn't even be interested anymore.
filipinafriend Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 No, I did not call them, the guys need to do to know my number to call me because I am not the girl also that gives my number to anyone.
n9688m Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I am not sure what you mean. I WANT them to call and I want to call them. What I DON'T want to to be overeager, which is, yes, a big turnoff. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't, and it is so frustrating being told that you are essentially a chump. It sounds to me as if what you really don't want is to be rejected - but that's part of the game. Once you get comfortable with the idea that sometimes you will be rejected and sometimes you won't, it gets a lot easier.
runner Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I've been trying to meet girls lately, and instead of asking for their number, sometimes I just write mine down for them and say hit me up if you wanna hang out. Though several of these interactions have been flirty and I felt like the chicks were digging me, none has called. Is there something about being a woman that makes you not want to ever initiate? Is the chase that important? Would you call a guy you liked if he gave you his number? oh dear don't ever do this again, if you want to get anywhere
amerikajin Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 It sounds to me as if what you really don't want is to be rejected - but that's part of the game. Once you get comfortable with the idea that sometimes you will be rejected and sometimes you won't, it gets a lot easier. Yes, it's a fear of rejection. My theory on rejection is that if you understand the signs of attraction, you'll never be rejected. If you learn to understand when a woman is into you, then you'll just ask her out and it won't be a big deal. If you learn when a girl is not interested in you, you'll know not to ask so that you don't get shot down. You have to know when a girl is into you and when she's willing to take it further than platonic conversation. Just talking to a girl, liking her, hoping she likes you back and then asking her out isn't going to work a lot of the time. People like to say that romance is like sales in that you have to make it a numbers game. But any good salesman will tell you that selling has more to do with knowing who's interested in what you've got. Know the buying signs...and learn how to close the deal.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 ABSOLUTELY. Handing me his number and telling me to call if I want to "hang out" sounds so casual and flip that I wouldn't even be interested anymore. Exactly. It's a flashing sign that says one of two things: "I'm not interested enough to make the effort of calling you", or "I don't have the confidence to initiate, so I expect you to do the work." A few times, I have even said, "I don't call guys." That seems to both annoy and impress them.
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