Jersey Shortie Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 In most cases, no I wouldn't call him. I'd like to see a less passive guy.
girl68 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 There is truth in that if she really does like you yeah, she'll call. But likely is that she doesn't KNOW if she likes you therefore doesn't call. So my advice is work on your "game". Get comfortable chatting with people, girls, guys, old people, cashiers, bartenders, waiters/resses... anyone. This will defineately help you in chatting with a gal you're interested in. Try to ask a question... try to smile, get her to laugh, get her to engage in a conversation. Then try your luck and ask for her number. Yeah, you'll get rejected lots I'm sure. I've turned down many, many requests. But sometimes some girl will say yes! The best way to meet people I firmly believe is NOT randomly but through friends and aquatineces. Go out with big groups of people where the group will invite friends that you've never met before... go from there. I was never a dater, but I think I know how it goes. I know how I like being asked out and how I don't. I know how to turn guys down. So keep trying. And if it's true you do have a lot to offer, then yeah, you'll get it.
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks for the advice girl68. What's funny is that I was chatting this girl up bigtime - it was in a coffeeshop and she works there. Asking her all kinds of questions about herself - naturally, b/c I was interested, not in a creepy way. And I am pretty comfortable chatting girls up and just talking to people in general. As someone else said, it's a very fine line. I suppose there is no choice but to act like the sleazy guy - "Can I get your number?" I hate it, I hate being in the position of the person who "wants something" from someone else. Point is that I feel I've got a lot of the tools, but my followthrough sucks. If I should ever be in a flirty conversation again anytime soon (and after this morning, it's seeming ever-unlikely), I'll be sure to put my neck on the chopping block. Because that really is what it feels like.
DarkestDreams Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 The rules of dating have become very blurry in this day and age, just look at the whole "hooking up" culture among students. Some of us still date the old fashioned way and the men, even in the Western culture, are expected to fulfill the role of the pursuer. To answer your original question, it would take some extraordinary circumstances for me to call first. When the man gives out his number without bothering to take mine comes off as playing the numbers and oozes of "I can take it or leave it", as it has been pointed out (saying "sometimes" doesn't help either..if you still want to do this in the future, might want to try and replace it with a somewhat more specific time frame like "this week"). Women want to be desired and to see some interest from the other side, I don't think that would come across as desperation. Also, if the roles become reversed and the woman does call, suddenly the man is put in the position where he has to decide whether he wants to see the woman or not, which is something women don't want to deal with.
girl68 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Welcome to dating son! Hahahaha yeah, I feel for you men, but only sometimes. Imagine what it's like to have to attract men. It sucks equally. Does it help if you're better able to ask the question as more of an invite to an activity or an event instead of just a "can I call you sometime?" or "can I get your number?" Try maybe keep chatting, and then when the conversation leads to something she enjoys doing, or would like to try... say yeah me too! Would you ever be interested in teaching me the ways of golf, videogames, girly shopping, x, y, z (insert activity)? You get what I mean?
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Hi, yeah, I've been inviting people to my CD release party, kind of an icebreaker type of deal.
girl68 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Sounds cool, but it has to be a helluva lot more personal than that... for a date. But I think you know what I mean... I think?
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks for the advice girl68. What's funny is that I was chatting this girl up bigtime - it was in a coffeeshop and she works there. Asking her all kinds of questions about herself - naturally, b/c I was interested, not in a creepy way. And I am pretty comfortable chatting girls up and just talking to people in general. As someone else said, it's a very fine line. I suppose there is no choice but to act like the sleazy guy - "Can I get your number?" I hate it, I hate being in the position of the person who "wants something" from someone else. Point is that I feel I've got a lot of the tools, but my followthrough sucks. If I should ever be in a flirty conversation again anytime soon (and after this morning, it's seeming ever-unlikely), I'll be sure to put my neck on the chopping block. Because that really is what it feels like.Push it a bit more with coffeeshop girl. The next time you see her, ask her why she hasn't called you. This is what one of my exes did to me. He originally gave me his business card, which I didn't call him with. Then, he left flowers at my door, with a card that asked the exact question. Since he was my neighbor, instead of calling him, I put my business card under his door, with a little thank-you note for the flowers. He called almost right away. You could try a modified version of this, where when she starts to hem and haw about her reason for not calling, just take charge and ask her for her number, to ensure that at least "someone" would make contact, which would be you, this time!
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Sounds cool, but it has to be a helluva lot more personal than that... for a date. But I think you know what I mean... I think? I think so. It seems strange to ask for a date from someone you don't know... but I suppose that's what dating IS. Push it a bit more with coffeeshop girl. The next time you see her, ask her why she hasn't called you. This is what one of my exes did to me. He originally gave me his business card, which I didn't call him with. Then, he left flowers at my door, with a card that asked the exact question. Since he was my neighbor, instead of calling him, I put my business card under his door, with a little thank-you note for the flowers. He called almost right away. You could try a modified version of this, where when she starts to hem and haw about her reason for not calling, just take charge and ask her for her number, to ensure that at least "someone" would make contact, which would be you, this time! Very interesting advice. I think if I were to ask, "Why haven't you called?", even in a joking way, I would worry about appearing creepy/pushy. I don't have the confidence to do that; sorry. Confident in a number of other areas of my life, just not getting dates. I also doubt I'll go back into that coffeeshop, because one girl simply is not worth pursuing so heavily and without reciprocity. There will be other opportunities and when they arise I'll use your guys' advice.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Each person has their style and comfort level, so I understand. Oh, forgot to mention, the reason why my ex gave me his business card was because I had just turned down his date request. Everyone gets rejected sometimes.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Hahahaha yeah, I feel for you men, but only sometimes. Imagine what it's like to have to attract men. It sucks equally. Yeah. Sometimes I wish the tables were turned and women could do the initial selecting. Would it help mitigate feelings of rejection to adopt a more matter-of-fact approach? Maybe it would help to think of it as equivalent to the job application process. You might apply for 100 jobs, get asked for 10 interviews, and get offered 2 jobs. Nothing personal -- you just weren't a good fit for the 98 jobs you didn't get, and a perfect fit for the 2 you were offered. But you've got to apply to get the job.
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 the reason why my ex gave me his business card was because I had just turned down his date request. Everyone gets rejected sometimes. See, I'm not the kind of guy to ask twice. No mean no, right? That seems desperate, even if it did lead to a R. You have to protect your own heart and pride by accepting both rejection and another's wishes.
alphamale Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You have to protect your own heart and pride by accepting both rejection and another's wishes. i "accept" rejection by asking the next girl for her number
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 See, I'm not the kind of guy to ask twice. No mean no, right? That seems desperate, even if it did lead to a R. You have to protect your own heart and pride by accepting both rejection and another's wishes.In your situation, you didn't even get rejected once, since you only gave her your number. That she didn't call might just mean she's not the aggressive type. My ex had never been turned down before in his life, so this was something that intrigued him.
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 i "accept" rejection by asking the next girl for her number Yep, and next time I'll do it right, thanks Captain In your situation, you didn't even get rejected once, since you only gave her your number. That she didn't call might just mean she's not the aggressive type. And I don't think women generally are. Oh well. Lesson learned/learning. I shall be a freaking PREDATOR!
zhsoj Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 In your situation, you didn't even get rejected once, since you only gave her your number. That she didn't call might just mean she's not the aggressive type. My ex had never been turned down before in his life, so this was something that intrigued him. If the genders here were flipped, that is Kizik as a female gave "her" number to a hot guy coffee-tender, and hot coffee guy didn't call, would "female Kizik" be right in feeling rejected?
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 If the genders here were flipped, that is Kizik as a female gave "her" number to a hot guy coffee-tender, and hot coffee guy didn't call, would "female Kizik" be right in feeling rejected? *I don't feel rejected, I feel like a f*cking tool. Slight difference.
alphamale Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Yep, and next time I'll do it right, thanks Captain indeed kizik, you sort of have to look at it like this, a break down by type of man and rejection rate: "A List" man - rejection rate=90%"B List" man - rejection rate=95%"C List" man - rejection rate=99%"D List" man - rejection rate=100%so as long as you're not "D Listed" then you're ok, innit?
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 If the genders here were flipped, that is Kizik as a female gave "her" number to a hot guy coffee-tender, and hot coffee guy didn't call, would "female Kizik" be right in feeling rejected?This would only matter if Kizik were female and has posted a thread as such. Beyond that, it's kind of moot. And no, I don't give out my number to men who don't call...
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 indeed kizik, you sort of have to look at it like this, a break down by type of man and rejection rate: "A List" man - rejection rate=90%"B List" man - rejection rate=95%"C List" man - rejection rate=99%"D List" man - rejection rate=100% so as long as you're not "D Listed" then you're ok, innit? Haha, awesome, man. Even Brad Pitt got his share of "no"s.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I just realized: Only one of my boyfriends pulled me in at first attempt. The others had to approach and ask me out more than once, with gradually escalating flirtation. In those three cases, my hesitation was about circumstances (work situation, recent breakup, etc.), not about a lack of interest in them. Eventually, their persistence and charm won me over. If they had given up after one attempt, we never would have gotten together.
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 I just realized: Only one of my boyfriends pulled me in at first attempt. The others had to approach and ask me out more than once, with gradually escalating flirtation. In those three cases, my hesitation was about circumstances (work situation, recent breakup, etc.), not about a lack of interest in them. Eventually, their persistence and charm won me over. If they had given up after one attempt, we never would have gotten together. Though yourself and TBF may be prizes whom suitors throughout the world may bend over backwards for, understand that a self-respecting man isn't going to waste his time chasing someone who doesn't show interest, regardless of your external circumstances. IMO, persistence equals no life of his own.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I just realized: Only one of my boyfriends pulled me in at first attempt. The others had to approach and ask me out more than once, with gradually escalating flirtation. In those three cases, my hesitation was about circumstances (work situation, recent breakup, etc.), not about a lack of interest in them. Eventually, their persistence and charm won me over. If they had given up after one attempt, we never would have gotten together.See, more evidence kizik, that it takes a little effort, to get a date. My ex-H pursued me for two years before I finally agreed to date him and two years after we got divorced, of which he finally stopped, after I got engaged.
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Though yourself and TBF may be prizes whom suitors throughout the world may bend over backwards for, understand that a self-respecting man isn't going to waste his time chasing someone who doesn't show interest, regardless of your external circumstances. IMO, persistence equals no life of his own.kizik, why would you get like this, when we're trying to help you? We're giving you advice from the womans' persective of what it took.
Author kizik Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 My ex-H pursued me for two years before I finally agreed to date him Based upon his obsessive persistence, I see him as a guy with no prospects and low self-esteem.
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