Well the pain is finally here

[Exit]

I chose to break NC because I wasn't using it properly, I was hoping every second that it was making her miss me, so I figured I might as well face her again and if I get shot down it will just help me move on. I don't regret my decision so don't bother harping on me about NC.

 

I apologized for everything. She is too concerned that I have "Expectations" and refuses to even see me. So I told her the only thing I expect to be "given" is the opportunity, I know the rest needs to be "earned". Doesn't matter to her. She tells me I'm selfish and not acknowledging how I treated her in the relationship, even though I've been sitting here for 2 months thinking about what I did wrong.

 

2 months since the initial split and the pain is finally here, no more hoping. I want to hate her so badly but I can't. I know what I did wrong. I know it takes 2 people to fail at a relationship but I still know most of it was me. And I know all the advice in the world, "this will help me with my next relationship", I'm just not ready to hear that right now. I want to feel miserable. I know it's cliche to say it but I cannot imaging giving my heart to someone again. All the joy in the world while you're together isn't worth the risk of being stepped on when it's over.

 

She is being incredibly cold and selfish. "I will do or not do whatever I want" (referring to talking to each other), "I have to take care of my own life right now" (after I put my life aside and helped her through school for a year and a half).

 

I can sit here all day and dispense (hopefully) accurate advice to everyone else on the forums, but it's not easy to tell myself the same things.

 

My world is upside down. It's my fault for making my world about someone else. But when I give my heart I give it completely. I hate to think from now on I will have to guard it. I prefer to trust people. But my trust has been broken.

 

I told her about the other DUMPERS here on the forums, and how some of them say all they would need is a genuine apology, and a sign that the other person was ready to change, and I asked why she's too good for any of that. Guess she thinks too highly of herself. I "had my chance with her".

[LisaUk]

Hi, I've been reading a lot of your threads and you do offer good advice! I know how you feel, my ex said when we split (have a look at commitment phobe thread below for more details if you like), he may change his mind if he misses me in a few months. He also said I did love you right until the end, I still do and I'm not as certain in my decision as I was 6 weeks ago. It's been 3 months now and I called a couple of weeks ago, only to find his attitude towards me has gone from bad to worse, not only that but he couldn't even remember saying thses things! He ust said "well, I said lots of things". Unbelivable isn't it? I sit about hoping, praying for him to come back, he didn't even give a second thought to the impact his words would have on me. I know your pain and I'm sorry.

Can I ask if you really did do anything wrong when you were together or has she made you feel so bad about yourself, that you have taken responsibility for her actions?

[bigworm23]

Listen to Billy Joel's "innocent man". mabye this is lame advice, but it addresses exactly how you are feeling right now, and has helped me feel slightly better after a prior breakout.

[Ronni_W]

I want to feel miserable.

Allowing yourself to go to that deepest, darkest, ugliest place and face whatever demons and ghouls are lurking there is also a very important piece of the healing process.

 

I might suggest to take a flashlight with you, though, so you can find your way back AFTER you have slayed all your dragons . (That is, ensure that you have some type of support in place so that you won't get stuck in a depressive mental pattern. Maybe ask a buddy to call you and 'shake you up' in 3 days, or whatever your time-table.)

 

It sounds weird to say "have fun" feeling miserable...hopefully, "Make your stay there count" makes a bit more sense?

In any case, you're not alone -- sending hugs and healing.

[Exit]

Thank you everyone.

 

Lisa- Yes, I really did do things wrong, it's not that she planted the blame on me. I did a lot of things to let her down. But I always did my best to say I was sorry. There was lots of other stress in my life during the relationship and I let it come between us. Too much arguing. Too needy when she needed time to study or work more hours and I wasn't understanding. But I did do a lot of things right, and that's what I ask her to focus on, instead of the negative. When she was sick I showed up at her door step with medicines and made her feel better and she even told me it was touching and that she couldn't imagine herself doing the same for me if I was sick. Kind of an off-comment to make, but she just meant she didn't expect it and was really surprised. I used my career training as a mechanic to keep her 20 year old car running so should could still get to her job. I paid for tires when she was scared to drive on old tires in the winter, I came to rescue her when her car would stall coming from work, I paid for and replaced the alternator when we discovered that was the problem. It was a labor or love, made me feel so good knowing that i was helping her. Now when I was cleaning my room today I came across the $200 receipt for the alternator and I feel like giving it to her. Most painful of all I took her on a weekend vacation to this quiet little tourist town in IL and it was so incredible, that's when I started to realize I wanted to marry her. Even though I was out of work I used my savings to pay for the entire trip, every day we went out shopping and I encouraged her to buy whatever she wanted to remember the trip by. And we always said we would go back there for the rest of our lives as our special place, and just typing that made me cry. I can never go back with someone else.

 

Bigworm - Thanks I will check that out. I know music can be a big help.

 

Ronni - You are right. That's why I am welcoming the pain in all its miserable glory. I keep listening to a song that is known to bring me to tears in 2 seconds flat, just because I want to feel this right now. I need to feel this so I don't go crawling back anymore. I do have someone coming over to cheer me up tonight, I almost insisted that she don't come but she won't take no for an answer. Ironically she is a prior ex who also broke my heart but that was back in high school and I don't care to judge someone for silly decisions when we were 17 years old, so I can handle being friends with her.

[LisaUk]

Hi Exit,

thanks for replying on the other thread as well. I know exactly where you are coming from, except my ex did not even tell me there were any issues until after he left. I was literally clueless. Even though you did those things you are right, you did lots of wonderful things for her to. On the other thread you also said you suffer with some social phobia, me too! I suffered with agoraphobia, although it improved in the last year and a half and things were getting better. I asked my ex if it had played any part in his decsion, he siad no, but a few weeks later said that it had and he was sick of me being dependant on him and just wanting to sit. To me, actually using an illness as a reason to split with someone is deplorable and if this is the reason you say you were too needy, STOP beating yourself up for it now! If it wasn't a problem for her in the beginning of your relationship, it should not be a problem for her now. Nothing changed, it wasn't a new development.

 

I think also the point you made about how for you it is harder to do somethings that others would do effortlessly, was very well put. The chances of your ex finding someone who is perfect and wants what they want at exactly the same time is highly unrealistic, perhaps that explains why she has had a few bf's and broken it off. However, she does not realise what she has lost in you, that is even harder to find. Someone who makes the effort, even if it's hard, that's commitment! Anyone can do things and find it easy, but it has so much more meaning when someone finds something hard and does it anyway out of love.

 

You sound like a great guy, I wish my ex had your commitment. Please would you take a look at my thread below entiltled Commitment phobe and give me your thoughs when you feel a bit better/have time. I'd really appreciate it as you have a really good way of putting things across, I think you could help me.

Thanks.

[Exit]

Lisa I am really finding a strong parallel between our situations, except the fact that you are strong enough to deal with the loss after 18 years! I was really thinking some terrible scary thoughts last night, as if I almost couldn't handle losing her after only a year and a half.

 

You are right that she accepted my problems in the beginning and hopefully that isn't what scared her off in the end. Before I was dating her, she was dating one of my friends. And one time we were all out driving around in seperate cars, and she was in the car with him (my friend) as he was telling me they were going to stop for pizza. And I told him I couldn't go, that eating in public places really wasn't my style, and that I was just going to head home. So she was in the car overhearing all of that, yet she eventually dumped him and wanted to be with me. So hopefully she accepted it, but I can understand her getting tired of it after a while.

 

And then even after we had been going out for a few weeks, one night parked in front of her house I told her I couldn't be the person that she wanted. I knew with her last BF they were CONSTANTLY going to movies, concerts, etc, and I told her I wouldn't be able to do that. She reassured me that she didn't care. She said she tagged along and did those things because that's what her ex bf preferred to do, and if I was the type to hang out at home and watch movies on Friday, she would be just as happy doing that with me.

 

THere were times when we went to the movies or out to eat, and I simply could not control the anxiety. We would walk up to the front door of a busy restaraunt, and we'd end up turning around and going back to the car because I couldn't do it. Then we'd sit in the car and argue about it for a while before I would finally go in. Many different situations happened like this. And despite telling her where the root cause of it really was, I don't feel like I get a free pass to treat her badly just because I have issues. She put up with it for as long as she could and I have a hard time blaming her if that's part of what she got sick of.

 

But I do still feel that I have more worth than someone who could do these things with her effortlessly. I'm glad you can understand what I'm saying. I guess she prefers the easy road instead of the road worth taking. It might take a long period of trial and error before I ever get comfortable going out in public, but I was willing to go through that battle for her. If she sees more worth in someone who doesn't have any problems going out, and if that makes her happier, then that's what she can have.

 

Since the break up 2 months ago I have updated her on my progress. One time I asked her if she would go out to lunch, and before she answered, I went to the store by myself to buy a nice shirt because I was trying to think positive and believe that she was going to say yes. She ended up saying no, but I still told her that I had gone to the store by myself, and that she should believe me that I am trying to conquer these problems.

 

Just last week I went to the grocery story by myself for the first time in years. I've been trying to eat healthy and there was nothing good to eat in the house. So it was either cheat on my diet, or suck it up and go deal with shopping by myself. So I went by myself (for some reason the grocery store is the worst place for my anxiety), and everything went ok, and I told her about it hoping it would mean something to her. But she still won't come back.

[LisaUk]

Hi, you're right we have a lot in common in our situations. I do not think you can accept her reason though, let me explain.

 

My ex said at first that my agoraphobia played no part in his decision. Then he changed it and said it had. However, my problem had improved over the last year and a half as a result of me losing 5 stones in weight (14lbs in a stone, I'm British), as a reuslt of the weight loss my confidence improved and the agoraphobia became easier to confront as I had more self esteem. Before we split I had made vast improvments, even going to the other side of London for a meal with his family, something I could not do a year previously. We were talking about going on holiday and I was even talking of going back to work at some point.

 

After he left I pointed this out to him I told him "my agoraphobia was improving things were looking up for us, I even agreed to the big wedding you wanted even though it would be difficult for me" he said "well your health was always up and down really", yet in an e-mail he sent prior to this "I'm sure you will get over anything left of your previous agoraphobia". You see, he knew I was over it, so it wasn't a factor, he is just making excuses not to address the real reasons he left.

 

He also said "I want someone who has their own life and isn't dependant on me", yet he knows I will get completely better and go back to work etc because I have to, I've lost my home, my furniture, not just him. I am living with my parents 200 miles away, with no job and I haven't worked for 7 years, so he knows I will recover totally because how am I going to eat!? He knows I am learning to drive now and am applying to go back to uni (college) to do graduate law, he hasn't returned, yet I have demonstrated I'm getting my independance back, which he said he wanted in a partner. I also said to him if you come back I promise to get help for what remains of my agoraphobia so we can have a normal life, it made no difference, even though he knows I can and will do it. It simply isn't the reason.

 

The point is this, it doesn't take someone 7 years to get fed up with someones problem, it didn't take her a year and a half either! If you are fine with it then you are fine with it, it's too long an amount of time for it to have gotten her down, if you guys had been together say 3 months then she left, maybe, but a year and half is too long for it to be the reason. You have shown her you are getting better, it's made no difference, if it really was the reason she would be back.

 

You don't go into a relationship wanting to change a person, you also don't love a person for what they are or what they can or can't do for you, you love someone for their personality and who they are. PLEASE do not keep giving yourself a hard time over this, it really isn't the reason she broke up with you.

 

I'm glad that you are getting better though, you should do it for yourself though, not for her. If you need any advice on how to try and improve further I'm happy to help in any way I can.

[LisaUk]

I should have also said, he said in the same e-mail, that looking back, when he proposed eight years ago something didn't feel right. He's said since, he only asked because we had been together so long and he thought it was the right thing to do because of this, that we should never have got engaged because he knew something wasn't right then. I didn't start suffering with the agoraphobia until a year after the proposal!

[Battlewax]

I'll try to dispense the best advice I can. Oh man it's so easy to give out advice but we are horrible at taking our own.

 

I would suggest backing of, WAAAAY off. Most people call it NC. Do it. You really need to focus on yourself. I heard my ex would open the lines of communication if I put forth a gesture, i'm not going to because I need to know for myself whether she was truly worth it. I know its difficult. I'm focusing more on myself because I need to, I have issues that I need to take care of. Having a constant reminder of what went wrong and what could be is really taxing, and in the end, it's futile. Like beating your head against the wall because your hand hurts.

 

I'm in a situation where my issues caused some of problems. I will say I take my share of the blame, I refuse to take all of it, or even most. That's the kind of outlook you need to take. It's hard and you will have to fight to get there.

 

Think of it this way. You are willing to fight to get her back, are you willing to fight to get yourself to where you want to be in life? You are really good at giving others help and advice, perhaps it's time you went back read what you wrote and helped yourself on that same level.

 

The only thing we truly have control over is ourselves.

I'm not sure if that helped.