notsure3 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I have been dating a man now for 4months. He has no children. I have one child from a previous marriage. My child is 6. I have a friendly relationship with my ex husband. We only discuss my daughter when we do talk. I made the huge mistake of telling my boyfriend that my ex said something nasty about him. Prior to meeting my new man my ex and I would discuss whom we were currently seeing or small talk. My ex has never even met my current boyfriend. Anyway, after my ex made the comment I made it clear to him that I no longer would discuss my personal relationships w/him and that we were strickly to talk about our child and nothing more. When my ex sees his kid we meet at a location in between him and I or occassionally I will drop her off at his place. When I started dating my boyfriend he told me he was not into dating women with kids. But we hit it off anyway. Whenever my ex calls and I am on the phone too long my boyfriend goes off. He says my ex is "F@# with him". One time my boyfriend accused me of saying goodbye to my ex in a "too friendly" tone. My ex husband and I are in NO WAY trying to get back together. I have professed my love for my boyfriend but he says I do not have strong enough boundaries with my ex. ~Sigh~ I am beginning to feel like I have a controlling man in my life....am I right?..or do I need to make more changes in my relationship w/ my ex husband to appease my boyfriend?
alphamale Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 ~Sigh~ I am beginning to feel like I have a controlling man in my life....am I right?.. yes it sounds like it...they usually show their true colours about 3 to 6 months into the relationship
Trialbyfire Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Why would you tell your current b/f about a nasty comment made by your ex? This immediately gets the back up of your b/f and puts him into competition mode, in that he feels threatened by someone who used to be a love interest in your life. That this someone is still in your life, even after trash-talking about him, doesn't put his mind at ease. Before you write your b/f off, perhaps you need to find some way to de-escalate a self-created situation.
Ronni_W Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 ~Sigh~ I am beginning to feel like I have a controlling man in my life....am I right? Yes, he is trying to control your relationship with your ex. That may escalate to him trying to control your relationship with a platonic male friend, then a girlfriend, then a sibling, then your parents. Having a healthy, supportive relationship with your ex is important for your daughter's emotional, mental and spiritual health and well-being, in addition to the fact that, if you two can provide comfort, understanding and whatever else positive for each other, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It will also be both her parents role-modeling healthy, positive relationship skills. The issue lies within your current b/f, which means that there's really nothing that you can do from the outside that is going to fully appease him. You can TRY, and twist yourself in a pretzel in the process, but it's ultimately your b/f's issue to resolve for himself.
sally4sara Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 He doesn't sound so much controlling as he sounds childish. I don't discuss my love life with any exes; I find it disrespectful to my current SO. I certainly would not relay a nasty comment made by an ex to a current SO. What did you expect that to accomplish? Now he is on guard around your ex and EVERYTHING will seem like a bigger deal that it was. How he is handling the situation is def childish. But you created the situation.
Author notsure3 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Before you write your b/f off, perhaps you need to find some way to de-escalate a self-created situation. Yep, Trialbyfire you are absolutely right. I totally stuck my foot in my mouth on that one. It came out b/c one day my b/f kept asking me what was wrong. He could tell by the sound in my voice I was in a foul mood. After him asking me over and over what was wrong I finally broke down and told him why I was in a bad mood.....THAt was one mistake I will never make again. Ah well, I have tried to rectify the situation over and over again.. I guess it just was not meant to be. Thanks guys for your input..I do appreciate it
dobler33 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 i was in an abusive relationship for 2 years, and this is exactly how things started. jealousies that you could sort of see the basis for but which sparked arguments that went on and on. requests about who i talked to and how much and about what that, again, seemed more or less rational but that got more and more ellaborate until even my family was off limits. by the end of it i was not allowed to have my own bank account or any male friends, and even my female friends were suspect if he thought they were trying to get me to leave. i have no idea what your b/f is like, and it's entirely possible that this is nothing to worry about. but my hackles went up the minute i read your post, notsure, and i would advise you to keep your wits about you. these things start in a way that can get right under your radar, and then the offenses get bigger and bigger and by the time you realize what's happening you've been isolated and separated from all your resources. be careful, my dear.
Author notsure3 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Thanks Dobler. I really love this guy and have been more truthful with him than any man in my life. But my love for him is not enough to keep the relationship healthly I'm afraid. He really thinks my ex husband is out to get him or something. And I guess I have played a part by telling him that stupid comment my ex made. I feel so darn dum!!!!. I wish I had never said that...I guess you live and you learn.
dobler33 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Thanks Dobler. I really love this guy and have been more truthful with him than any man in my life. But my love for him is not enough to keep the relationship healthly I'm afraid. He really thinks my ex husband is out to get him or something. And I guess I have played a part by telling him that stupid comment my ex made. I feel so darn dum!!!!. I wish I had never said that...I guess you live and you learn. has the relationship ended? if he is controlling and potentially abusive, there would have been no way you could have avoided saying something that would have set him off. trust me on this one.
Author notsure3 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Dobler33, you might be right....but our most recent argument about the ex was this week. We have not spoken since then. I have no intention of calling him...if he does not call me I will move on...I'm hurting and missing him but I can't take this anymore
dobler33 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Dobler33, you might be right....but our most recent argument about the ex was this week. We have not spoken since then. I have no intention of calling him...if he does not call me I will move on...I'm hurting and missing him but I can't take this anymore oh, honey, i'm sorry for your pain. but it sounds like you did the right thing, that your instincts were tweaked by his jealousy and you took the hard road to best serve yourself. good for you. i'm sending you love and strength.
boogieboy Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Yeah, run for the hills. This guy is alredy bad news.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 He sounds alot like my exBF and I kept him hanging around way too long (1.5 yrs). After 5 months of dating, he was jealous of every guy I came in contact with. He asked me about my past, and I didn't want to tell him much. But I slipped a comment out once, so then he pressed and pressed until I gave him names and dates and number of times and then his jealousy surfaced and the fights started. We were at a park and I walked past a former fwb and said hello. Well, as with your BF, my "tone" was way too friendly and I never heard the end of it. It was so endless and frustrating, Idon't even want to think back and rehash things on here. I have a great relationship with my exH and we talk all the time, not just about the kids. We can still sit and have a glass of wine or a beer together and share a laugh about our kids kid-isms! He's a great person, and while we would have never been able to make our marriage work, we can still be friends. We would never just get together unless it was something to do with our kids though (too much like a date, so there is a bit of a boundary for me). The man I will end up with in my future is going to have to understand this and not be jealous, and I would hope could sit by my side, hold my hand, and have a beer around the firepit someday with my kids and their dad and his gf for that matter.
Author notsure3 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 MWC, Thank you so much for your insight. You know, I can see that this relationship was going down that same road as you describe with your ex boyfriend. I miss my bf already. But I could not continue to live in an anxious state of "what if's"..what if my ex husband calls and I'm with b/f?, what if I say something the wrong way?..that is not a healty relationship at all.
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