Thornton Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I don't remember ever having been to the store in the middle of the night; it seems like an odd thing for someone to do, why not simply wait till the next day? I mentioned this thread to my bf, and he said yes I have, because a few months ago he drove me to the store at 1am for tummy medicine because I felt ill. I genuinely don't remember this, but I looked in the bathroom cabinet and I still have the box of medicine he says I bought that night. So apparently even my memory is not faultless. I think you need to give your fiance the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, and keep watching for anything else that looks suspicious. You clearly still have issues with what happened with your ex, so counselling would probably be a good idea even if your fiance does turn out to be cheating - either way your feelings need to be dealt with. I imagine your fiance will probably be keen to come to counselling with you, and you won't find any further evidence of cheating, because I don't think he is cheating. But as chocolat said, you need to get counselling before your relationship is ruined.
Chocolat Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 It's not just the fact that he doesn't remember the trip. It is that he was SO SURE he absolutely 100% did not go there at midnight EVER. He just denied and denied and tried to tell me he had never left the house and that he'd NEVER gone to Wal-mart ever in his life that late (I have). Ok, but there are options beyond what you've expressed here. How about this: He totally forgot that he went to WM when you first asked him, and even the second time. Maybe at some later point he did remember, but by then he no longer felt it was ok to say so. Perhaps he was worried that you'd perceive it as him "changing his story" rather than him remembering. In other words, it could be that all the emphasis and insistence put him in a corner where he feels he has to stick with what he first said. This is the problem with the dynamic you are establishing -- everything is fraught with poissibility and under analysis. Another thought: Does anyone else have the keys to his truck? With regard to the purchase the next day,I think it is FAR more likely he forgot what he bought than that he dropped off the clerk he'd spent the night having sex with. I have on occasion forgotten what I wrote checks for and this is when they have been recorded in my checkbook -- I have completely blanked on who the recipient was and why I was sending them money. It doesn't mean that the charge wasn't legitimate.
Author angelrae Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Thank you all for trying to make sense of this and helping me. As for forgetting you went somewhere when you were sick and someone else was driving, I get that. I would probably do that. And if he suddenly remembered that he did go there (before I showed him the GPS) and was like oh thats right!, I ran down there to get some carpet shampoo. THen case closed, fine I'd believe it. Because that makes sense. Even the forgetting part because it's a month later that I'm asking him to remember. But my biggest concern is that he DIDN'T mention anything at all the next day after this happened even. He made a point of saying he stayed home all night and told me about how he was up till 2am because the neighbors were so loud and I believe this because they were getting loud when I left at 10pm. So even the next day (after his midnight trip) he did not mention it to me. Since it is something he doesn't EVER do I would think he would have included it in what he told me (about being up late) but instead he made it a point to tell me he was lying in bed all night not able to sleep because the neighbors were so obnoxious. If he just ran to Wal-mart to pick up something he would have said , oh and to escape the neighbors I ran to the store to get.. whatever it was. I don't expect him to be able to remember what he bought, I don't care what it was. But why wouldn't someone at least REMEMBER that they did something totally out of the ordinary?? He is NOT one to drive places at midnight. For one thing he hates to drive and wouldn't make any unecessary trips. Also if he had to run down there for something then why go again the very next day? It is that he was SO SURE he NEVER left the house that night. Why not say in the first place that he didn't recall going there. but instead he is 110% certain that he was home ALL night. When that clearly wasnt' true. And if it had been a 30 minute shoppin trip or something ,then yes, it would have appeared he went to shop. But ten minutes and then he leaves to go home and apparently has no recollection of this. To me, the only logical (though farfetched) thing that could have happened is he went to pick someone up and brought her home. Thats why I am so confused and on the fence about this. I WANT to believe him. But I can't go through what I went through with my ex. I can't continue to love my fiance and plan a wedding and think everything is ok. I mean it could have been a one time thing with an ex of his or someone he met. Maybe he was bored. I have no idea why he would jeapordize our relationship but maybe like my ex he just thought he wouldn't get caught and I would never find out. I am just going crazy.
Chocolat Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 What tracking service are you using? I find it odd that you've been paying monthly fees all this time... If you are not paying a monthly fee, then you are not getting real-time gps tracking. Are you using a data logger? When did you last change the battery?
Thornton Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 You said it yourself - your scenario is far-fetched. You've cooked up this elaborate plot where he met some woman and picked her up from WalMart so nobody would see her car, when the simplest explanation is he just popped out for something and the next day he didn't think to mention something so insignificant as popping to the store. I've been cheated on three times, but I still trust my current bf because he's a genuinely nice and trustworthy guy - perhaps when it comes down to it you don't really trust your bf, or he doesn't act trustworthy? There is clearly no way of satisfying you that he isn't cheating, so you may as well dump him and break off the engagement. That way at least you know nobody is cheating on you. You don't trust him anyway, so perhaps it's best if you're not in a relationship with him.
sw1911ct Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Even given your past experience I think putting the gps tracker on this guy's truck is a little psycho. If I were him and found out about it I would drop the relationship immediately. I think that if someone ever uses spyware on their partner's computer, or puts a gps tracker on their vehicle, or anything else that is an invasion of their privacy and finds nothing concrete, then at a minimum you need to immediately stop these practices and never do them again. I honestly feel that if you do these things and don't find anything you ought to have to explain your tresspasses to them afterward. It is wrong to cheat, it is wrong to spy. Finding something may in some way justify it but if you don't find anything then you are the only one who has done something wrong and you should take responsibilty for it just as a cheater should take responsibility for their actions. my .02 EDIT: I didn't read your post on the last page where you said you fessed up to the spying. Good for you. And the way he reacted to it is saintly IMO so it doesn't seem like you're with a scumbag or anything...
lamaman3 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I would also have seriously reconsidered the relationship had someone been tracking my movements via GPS system. How would you feel if he did something like read your diary? Just because you are in a relationship DOES NOT mean that you suddenly give up any semblance of privacy. Privacy is healthy and you just have to accept the fact that there will be things that you don't know about your bf and visa-versa. If you cant accept this I would wait until you heal and are more trusting before you enter into a relationship. If you keep looking, trust me you'll find something. I personally dont think partners should be obsessed with finding out about their partners cheating even when there is no problems in relationship. If he picked up someone from Walmart and spent the night with her weeks ago - I wouldnt exactly pat him on the back but I wouldnt think the possibility is terrible enough to worry sick about it for the rest of my life when everything else is going well. I would worry about how hes treating you and whether the relationship is good. Sounds to me like the GPS is screwy - it would be easy enough to check it by putting it in your car and checking the time.
moman Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Your man is very understanding. If I ever found a GPS tracking device on my truck, it would be the end of both the device and the relationship.
Author angelrae Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Well I have an update and its not really a good one. On friday, I was driving myself crazy to the point that I was CONVINCED that the only possible scenario was that my fiance picked a girl up and took her home that night. When I saw him Friday night, I told him that I thought we should talk about ending our engagement because I thought I knew the truth about that night and that I will not tolerate any cheating and since he had no other explanation, that was the only thing that could have happened and that he was hiding something from me and I was 100% sure of this. He fessed up immediately. Told me that YES, he did go to Wal-mart that night and he clearly remembered it. He showed me the receipt from the night in question and he had bought a rug scrubber just before midnight on that day (like the gps said). The next day he took the carpet cleaner to his parents house and gave it to them (because he had been using theirs and it broke and he couldnt' fix it). Simple explanation and if he would have told me that to start with, nothing more would have been said, I would have totally believed that (and I'd even suggested a similiar scenario to him trying to jogg his memory). I was somewhat relieved that the situation I'd envisioned (with the girl) wasn't what happened. But I was also shaking in anger and disbelief that my fiance LIED to me about this whole situation!! He sat there and lied to MY FACE for three days saying he didn't remember etc. WHen all along he knew the truth and could have told me at any time. I asked why he didn't just tell me and he got mad and said that I should TRUST him and not keep asking questions and when he says he did or did not go somewhere etc I should take his word for it. That it is not anyone's business where he goes and that my friend should not have said anything to me about him being there! It was totally like how my ex used to turn things around on me. Basically he said its MY fault he lied to me because I have been upset and worrying about him cheating on me, so he didn't want to tell me he'd gone out around midnight because I would have thought the worst. (even if he'd shown me the receipt I may have thought he went somewhere else or went to see some girl because it was so late at night and unlike him) He didn't anticipate the GPS so he'd have no proof that was all he did. While I admit I've been stressed and on guard since we got engaged (because of what my ex did) that is NO reason for him to blatantly lie to me even after I have proof and make me feel like im going crazy!! Its ridiculous that he said he lied to me because I should just TRUST him and not question him. So I should ignore my gut and just blindly trust him even though he's lying to me??? Does that make a bit of sense??? He did say he was sorry later and that he would never cheat on me and that he was upset that I automatically jump to the conclusion he would be cheating when something doesnt' add up. He said its not fair that I hold what my ex did against HIM. That he wants to marry me and he wouldn't hurt me like that. I told him it hurt that he lied to me for three days. THat he saw me suffering and worried and he continued to lie instead of just fessing up to something totally innocent. He also blamed it on that his exes used to yell at him for spending money. He said he is not used to someone who doesn't care what he spends his money on (me). But isnt' that the same thing he said he was upset about (that I hold what my ex did against him?) I did not see him this weekend (my choice). I am supposed to see him tonight but I am still feeling queasy when I think about what happened. It was a totally innocent situation but I'm scared now because he lied to me so easily and it wasnt' until I threatened to leave him (because I thought he'd done something terrible) that he confessed. I really don't think it was anything to lie about so why did he do it and do I forgive him or move on?
Thornton Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 In one way it's a relief that he can prove he was at WalMart for a legitimate reason and he wasn't picking up some other woman... but at the same time it's a bit worrying that he would watch you going crazy and getting increasingly upset but still not confess to something completely innocent which would put your mind at ease. What's even more worrying is that, even when confronted with the gps evidence, he didn't 'fess up, he continued to maintain the lie and made you feel like you were going crazy. Something seems a little wrong here... a person with nothing to hide, when asked if he was at WalMart, would simply say "Yeah, I was", especially if he knows his fiance is insecure and worries a lot. The way he acted doesn't seem very loving at all. I know it was a white lie.. but why shouldn't your "friend" tell you he was at WalMart late at night? What's wrong with that, if he doesn't have anything to hide? You're not holding what your ex did against him, and he should see that... you were badly hurt by someone, and you're bound to be nervous about it happening again... he should be supportive and help you to work through your issues, not deny your right to even have issues! What if you'd been raped before... would he think you should just have sex with him because he wasn't the one who raped you? Shouldn't he be understanding of your issues and try to help you? The way he acted is completely out of order.
sxyNYCcpl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Psycho. He should leave your ass. I would. You had no right to do what you did and he has shown more than a little restraint in this situation. You should be humble and meek, and apologize profusely for what you've done. Were I him, I'd still leave your ass but that's his choice.
2sunny Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 the interesting thing that most people understand about most Wal Marts is... late at night the parking lot becomes a haven for drug deals and sex deals... is he an occasional user and didn't want to tell you? that might explain part of it... either way, i'm glad you stayed away for the weekend... his cover up is mean spirited and just not behavior i'd want to live with forever.
fhl2007 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 I admire you, because you already have discovered the underlying issue of the situation. Trust. Trust is something not easily given, but often earned. Just like any relationship, trust is essential. When you trust others, you must understand there is always the possibility of being hurt. However, if someone truly loves you they will not abuse this right. Our loved ones will hurt us both accidentally and intentionally, but that should not prevent us from being able to love and trust. Learning how to trust is something that just needs a few basic skills and techniques, but more importantly needs your 'trust' that it will produce desired results. I can give you more advice and instruction as a professional counselor, but for now think about ways you and your partner can establish and maintain trust for one another. Good luck to you. FHL Wellness
bean1 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Interesting. If a man did this to a woman, she would be warned that he was controlling, insecure, and the relationship was likely to become abusive. Putting a GPS on their vehicle to track their whereabouts? This is not learning to trust. I would leave, I would be so scared because clearly you have not learned to deal with your past in an appropriate and non-controlling manner. For the record, I am a female and I have been cheated on in a past relationship (and still dealing with separating those issues from my current SO) and have never cheated on anyone.
stace79 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Maybe he was making trips to Wal-mart to buy something to surprise you? Just a thought. Or you could be totally right and he could be cheating. I think you need to totally come clean, tell him you feel horribly guilty, and ask him. Then I think you need to offer to go to counseling, either individually and/or together, to work through your insecurity. Lord knows it is justified, but you have to be able to trust him some time.
angie2443 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Something seems a little wrong here... a person with nothing to hide, when asked if he was at WalMart, would simply say "Yeah, I was", especially if he knows his fiance is insecure and worries a lot. The way he acted doesn't seem very loving at all. I know it was a white lie.. but why shouldn't your "friend" tell you he was at WalMart late at night? What's wrong with that, if he doesn't have anything to hide? You're not holding what your ex did against him, and he should see that... you were badly hurt by someone, and you're bound to be nervous about it happening again... he should be supportive and help you to work through your issues, not deny your right to even have issues! What if you'd been raped before... would he think you should just have sex with him because he wasn't the one who raped you? Shouldn't he be understanding of your issues and try to help you? The way he acted is completely out of order. This is something I have learned through my experiences and from bieng on LS for so long. If there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to hide. Something seems off to me about the whole situation. I would see this is as at least a yellow flag.
Recommended Posts