angelrae Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 My first time on this site. Recommended by a coworker/friend. My fiance and I have been together over 2 years. have what I thought was a good relationship. Recently he has been talking about marriage and we got engaged about four months ago. We have talked about a wedding and how we want anything but no set date. Though I think if I asked him to get married tomorrow he would. My problem is that I've been engaged before (my ex) and we were together for four years and I thought everything was going well (we were planning a wedding, I had my dress, the date booked etc) and I found out he was cheating on me. He denied it to the end of the earth and I started to believe him and then I bought a tracking device gps and stuck it in his car to find out the truth. I know that sounds crazy but I did what I had to do because I didn't want to marry someone who was cheating. I believed his lies till I looked at the results of his driving around and found out he was hooking up with his ex when I was out of town for work. I was devastated, had to cancel the wedding, embarassed, humiliated. It was horrible. I didn't date anyone for a whole year till I met my current guy. He doesn't have a perfect past but I did not know this until we had dated almost a year (he cheated on a girlfriend when he was younger) We didn't discuss our past hurts/indescretions at first. I didn't tell him I was practically left at the altar (we broke up two months before our wedding date). Now that was several years ago and I thought I was over it. I haven't had doubts about my fiance in a long time (when we first started dating I was very vary of EVERYONE) because I'd been hurt. It is hard for me to trust. He seems to understand that and is open (I can look at his cell if I want to, he tells me where he is going, always calls when he says he will etc) I have felt very safe and secure with him and was excited when he askd me to marry him. He knows about my past with my ex and so he understands that I'm a little jumpy now. Now while I'm excited to marry him, getting engaged again has triggered something that isn't really related to my fiance (it is because of my ex) I've become a little on edge and distrustful of him. It started when he made a comment about the last time he got me flowers was for Easter. He did NOT buy me flowers for Easter. Last time he bought me flowers was when we got engaged. I told him this and he was confused and said he was just thinking of the wrong thing. Said he probably THOUGHt about getting me flowers for Easter and just assumed he followed through. I let that go by as he is busy with work and tired so I thought it was just a slip. However for Memorial Day he wanted to go see a parade that he always goes to. He talked about it for a few weeks and said we were going. Then one day when I mentioned the parade he said he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to go because it was such a long drive and wanted to go to a friend's bbq instead. He had NEVER told me this. But he insisted he told me he was having 2nd thoughts about going to the parade. I swear he never said a word! So, because of my past I got suspicious. I know it was WRONG so you don't have to tell me this and I feel so guilty that is it tearing me up inside. I don't want to betray his trust but I did. I dug out that gps device I used with my ex and put it in my fiance's truck the weekend before Memorial day weekend. I didn't look at the results until yesterday. The first week was normal. He went to work, came home, stopped at his buddy's house a few times. All things I knew about. But there is one day that sticks out and makes me worry. On memorial day weekend, I stayed with him friday night but went home saturday because I was tired and he wanted to use his rug scrubber on his carpets. He was up late doing this because the thing broke down and he had to fix it. I left his house at 10pm. I remember calling him around 11pm to see if he fixed the rug scrubber. I vaguely remember (this would have been May 23rd) him saying he fixed it and had used it and cleaned the carpets. The next day I did not see him (I went to visit my brother who lives several hours away). On memorial day I went to his house and we went to that parade and to a friend's bbq. He didn't seem that affectionate but everything seemed ok other than that. He told me he had stayed up late because his neighbors were partying and loud and that he just laid in bed till 2am till he finally was able to fall asleep. Well yesterday, I decided to look at that gps report. On the day in question (saturday before Memorial day) something odd shows up. It shows that my fiance drove to Wal-mart (a 15 minute drive) around 11:30pm (would have been right after I got done talking to him that night). He was in Walmart (or his vehicle was stopped there) for only ten minutes. Then he drove home. Now the strange thing is we had been at Wal-mart earlier that day to get some things. Still I figured maybe he needed something for his rug scrubber and just ran down there really quickly. It jived with what he told me about staying up till 2am. So yesterday I just casually asked him about it. Again, I hate myself because I lied to him and told him one of my friends had mentioned seeing him at Wal-mart memorial day weekend late at night. He said he did not leave the house after I left that night. I suggested different scenarios (reasons he might have ran down there at that time of night) and reminded him how he said he stayed up late because of the noisy neighbors. He just kept saying he was never there and why would he go to Wal-mart that late at night and my friend must have been mistaken. He was a little defensive I guess. But he answered all my questions and said he did nothing but finish the carpet and go to bed after I left that night. I gave him every opportunity to tell me (I figured he just forgot about going or maybe he even told me and I'd forgotten) I mean he wasn't there long enough to meet up with someone and do anything bad (ten minutes) And I had no reason to think he was cheating on me or anything until he totally denied this trip and I have proof (either that or someone stole his truck and drove to Wal-mart and brought it back (not likely). I also remember that night he didnt put his truck in the garage like he does every other night and I asked him about it (if he wanted me to park his truck in the garage before he left as he was busy with the carpet. he told me no, he'd move it when he got done.) I reminded him of that too and he said he never moved his truck that night (that it sat outside) The other thing is the very next morning at 11am or so the gps shows him going back to Wal-mart and being there for 11 minutes this time. He does have a check from that date showing he spent $137 at Wal-mart. he showed it to me. He doesn't remember what he bought. I can't imagine anyone spending only 11 minutes at wal-mart and being able to spend $137. It normally takes more than 11 minutes just to check out! I am sick. I feel horrible for not trusting my fiance but this is how I caught my ex cheating on me and I just had to be sure. Now this isn't proof that he's cheating but the scenario in my head is that he met someone at Wal-mart and picked her up and she left her car there and he brought her home and she spent the night and then he took her back the next morning (he knew I was going to my brother's so I wouldn't be stopping over) and then went shopping for 10 minutes after he dropped her off there. I know it sounds crazy and maybe I am going nuts. But my ex cheated on me right before we were supposed to get married and I'm engaged again and it might be happening all over again. I mean someone would REMEMBER driving somewhere at midnight especially when it is something he doesn't normally do. I can't think of any other explanation for this. If he just drove down there to pick up something really quick why would he lie about it and say he never left the house? The only reason to lie about it is that he was doing something he didn't want me to find out about? I know gps (and this is an old one) isn't always accurate but it isn't going to make up a trip to Wal-mart that is ten miles away. I'm consumed by the guilt of doing this and by the fear that my fiance is doing the exact same thing my ex did to me. I know everyone will probably say well if you can't trust him and resort to THIS then you shouldnt' be with him. I know that. But I dont' trust ANYONE after what happened. This is the first time I've done this the whole time I've been with him. It's just that getting engaged triggered those fears all over again. he says he loves me and wants to marry me more than anything. But what other explanation is there for his late night trip??? Do I confront him with the evidence?
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I think you're being a little paranoid here, which is understandable given your past. He didn't remember the last time he gave you flowers - so what? He went to WalMart and didn't remember it - so what? He isn't having an affair with someone at WalMart just because he went there on two occasions for ten minutes... plus he has a receipt for the second trip. If he knew you were going away, there would be no need for a girl to park at WalMart and get picked up from there; she could just park outside since he knows you're not around anyway. Wouldn't she think it was a bit funny if some guy wanted to pick her up from WalMart anyway, or drop her off there instead of taking her home? The truth is that if he was having an affair there would be more than one suspicious incident, there would be many red flags. Keep the gps device in his truck and keep watching him - if he's cheating there will be more suspicious trips, or suspicious phonecalls, or something that you would notice. But going by the evidence you gave, I don't think he's having an affair, you're just jumping to conclusions because your past has made you paranoid. Put it this way: you already had one fiance cheat on you, so you're pre-disastered; the same thing is unlikely to happen twice
angie2443 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I don't have a lot of time to post now, so I'll post more later. Something sounds off here, but I can't put my finger on it. It may be nothing. Still, what does your gut say?
2sure Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 As you know - normally your behavior would be considered way over the top. Thats why you feel guilty. But your past history was traumatic. Traumatic. With time it sounds like you have been able to put it behind you and stop reacting to it. But now you are once again engaged - life's traumas , crisis, experience - even when we get over them, tend to influence us once in a while. Your reactions right now are completely understandable. While I will not hazard a guess as to why anyone would shop at Wal-Mart at any time.... I think you might have to be honest with your fiancé. You at least need to tell him, that: You know it may seem crazy, but suddenly your past experience is so making you anxious, affecting your relationship, and you need his help in working through it. To get honesty you have to give it. Straight. You are considering marriage, you are nervous, understandable. Being emotionally honest is a good place to start.
sxyNYCcpl Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 If you search hard enough for something, convinced it's there despite evidence to the contrary, you may just find it even though it's not there.
Author angelrae Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Many thanks for your advice! I don't feel so crazy anymore. I want to be honest with him and tell him what I did. i dont want to hide anything from him, but honestly I would probably be very upset if someone I was dating put a gps in my car and I've never done anything wrong (cheating). I would probably think they are a freak and want to be controlling. That is why I feel so guilty because doing this is NOT normal and I can't believe I am at this point. I really didn't expect to find anything and think I was just looking for reassurance that everything was ok. There was one other incident that raised my hackles- a few months ago we had sex in a certain position we don't do all the time and I said something about it being fun and my fiance said yeah we haven't done that it ages so I wanted to. Well we had done it the week before!! I reminded him of that and he said oh I forgot. I made a joke about him getting me confused with his "other girlfriend" and we both laughed. But its like I"m hyper aware now of ANYTHING out of the ordinary because I think he is going to hurt me like my ex did. before we got engaged I didnt' have these thoughts and wasnt' on guard. The thing is, I don't care if he went to Wal-mart or anywhere else at midnight. It is the fact that I have proof (unless the gps is wrong) that he went there and he totally denies it. I talked to him today about this and again asked if he is sure he didn't go there. I told him maybe he forgot and just went there because he needed something for the floors. He said NO absolutely he is 100% sure he did not go there, that he has NEVEr been to Wal-mart at midnight and the only place he's ever gone at that time of night is a bar (and he doesn't go there anymore). I told him my fears that he met someone there and brought her home and he said "why would I have asked you to marry me, why would I ruin a good thing by doing that. That is crazy." He said he doesn't even talk to any women other than me. That he doesn't know anyone who works at Wal-mart and that he is SURE he NEVER left the house that night. He does remember going there the next day and buying some stuff (and he has the check to prove that) but I would think he would have spent more than 11 minutes there (according to the GPS that is all the time he was there) because he bought quite a few things. So I dont know if the time is off or what. He is getting a little upset with me (says I am accusing him of doing things because of what my ex did to me) and is growing weary of me asking him questions. At first he was perfectly fine with it but after answering the same questions over and over I do see why he's getting upset. But it just doesn't make sense. The GPS report says my fiance's truck went to Wal-mart at 11:24pm and returned at 12:05am the next morning. Says he was stopped there for 10 minutes and then he returned to that same location the next morning at 11:38 and left at 11:49 and went to his parents house. So while he can explain the trip on sunday, he says he never left the house at all saturday night and was home in bed at the time the gps says his truck was at Wal-mart. There is no reason for him to lie unless he is covering something up and the only thing he could be lying about it that he went to meet some girl and picked her up and brought her back. I can't see him doing that to me, but I didn't think my ex would do it to me either. As for a girl thinking it was weird that some guy was picking her up at Wal-mart, there are women who don't care if a guy has a girlfriend and would go along with it. I cant' even begin to guess who it might have been (maybe an ex who just wanted a fling??) so it sounds crazy to even think of that. But WHY else would he LIE about it? I mean I have PROOF. I know I should show him the proof but I dont' want him to think I've lost my mind and totally dont' trust him. I do and I want to believe what he tells me but I'm terrified of my past repeating itself. What is I show him the GPS report and he still says he never left the house and the GPS must not be accurate? Are they known to be wrong at times or get times crossed or locations wrong? I don't have much experience and it is an older model.
AlektraClementine Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Ehhh. I'm not liking the going at night and returning in the morning. I'm sorry. The ONLY reason I don't like it is because he's covering it up. Sure he has a receipt for the next day. Does he have one for the previous evening? (my paranoia would say: he went to pick her up at a meeting place. Brought her back, she spent the night. He took her back the next morning. Then bought something.) Again - it's only because he denies going that my sensors are going off. Something doesn't add up but then again you sound extremely paranoid. I understand trust issues totally. The only advice I can offer is to come clean. So that you can get at least a direct answer. He may be very upset with what you did.
Author angelrae Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 If you search hard enough for something, convinced it's there despite evidence to the contrary, you may just find it even though it's not there. And this is so true! and probably why the little things popped out at me and made me start to worry a little bit. Because getting engaged triggered something that makes me feel like I have to be on guard. So I am deliberately LOOKING for signs that he isn't happy, is going to stray etc. But how do you argue with a GPS driving report? I mean its concrete evidence... As for my gut feeling.. my gut feelings are a little off right now because I'm on hyper alert EXPECTING something bad to happen before we get married. With my ex, I had a few inklings, some red flags and a feeling that something was off a few months ahead of time. Thats why I sat down and talked to him about it (bad move because it just gave let him know I was onto him and he did a better job of covering his tracks. Now, I WANT to believe my fiance when he says he loves me and that he wants nothing more than to marry me and that he's NOT doing anything behind my back. That he wouldn't do that to me.
sxyNYCcpl Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 So I am deliberately LOOKING for signs that he isn't happy, is going to stray etc. And given how hard you are looking, you will find them even if they're not there. But how do you argue with a GPS driving report? I mean its concrete evidence... I don't know. But the simplest explanation is usually the truth. In this case, he simply forgot being there. Perhaps he went and it was closed, which explained the trip the next day. With 2 identical trips almost exactly 12 hours apart perhaps the device got it's signals crossed. It's not impossible that he met some woman there and took her home. Seems unlikely, though, and for you to conclude it's true with no evidence whatsoever does not bode well for the future health of your relationship, for you will forever be seeking (and finding) little things that set off your radar that are in truth meaningless nothings. It's like they say in the doctoring business, when you hear hoofbeats, think horses first if you have no reason to believe it's zebras.
Author angelrae Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 He could not have FORGOT going there (I mean he could have, and then when I asked about it he would have remembered after it jostled his memory) Also its not as if he's like I don't remember going there, He INSISTS he didn't leave the house that night and that he's NEVER gone to Wal-mart that late. They wouldn't have been closed- they are open 24 hours. He says he is 100% sure he did not go anywhere that night. Yet I have this GPS saying differently and that is the reason I am so suspicious. I am not saying that i am sure he picked some girl up and took her home. My paranoid mind is just coming up with that as a reason I would GUESS someone would lie about where they've been combined with the limited amount of time he was there (ten minutes) either long enough to meet someone there to pick her up, or long enough to run into the store and grab something you forgot to buy earlier. I would totally believe the 2nd scenario (and it was my first thought) until he totally denied even being there. So of course I jump to the first thing- that he met someone there and brought her home and then took her back the next morning around 11:30am. That makes me sick to think that could have actually happened because I thought my fiance loved me and I really didn't think he would ever do that to me. I'm still not convinced that is what actually happened as I have NO proof that he was with anyone else and I had not suspected him of seeing or talking to anyone else. Unless he has something to hide (and the GPS isn't screwed up) why would he deny being there?
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You have two choices: a) Come clean about the gps, say you know he went to WalMart. This could affect your relationship really badly as he will know you don't trust him. b) Keep quiet and keep watching. If he is cheating it won't be a one-off, it will happen again. If it never happens again, give him the benefit of the doubt. I would recommend b), as a) could destroy your relationship if you are indeed mistaken about him cheating, as I think you are.
sxyNYCcpl Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Unless he has something to hide (and the GPS isn't screwed up) why would he deny being there? There are only 4 possibilities without getting overly silly analyzing outlandish what if's. 1- He truly forgot that he went. Perhaps he'd been drinking or he was overly tired. 2- He is intentionally lying. If so, it could be related to another woman, or it could be any number of other things. 3- Some kind of glitch with the machinery that shows a trip that never happened. No idea how you could prove or disprove this in either event, at least not without a lot of likely expensive electronic analysis. 4- He could have been sleepwalking or similar. Frankly, I almost included this under "outlandish what if's" until I remembered that I myself once peed in my kitchen sink while sleepwalking, while appearing to my wife to be awake the whole time. She thought I was joking until I actually did it. That's it! How you proceed now is up to you, IMO you are in dangerous territory. You cannot "gotcha" him without revealing your monitoring of him, and were that me it may be enough, in and of itself for me to consider ending the relationship. OTOH, if he is intentionally lying he will likely not admit it short of said gotcha so you're between a rock and a hard place. My advice? Forget it happened and move on and don't look for trouble where none exists. If there really is trouble, it will be apparent soon enough.
love2dance Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I think that you should drop the subject-don't ask your boyfriend about it anymore. You already know what the gps says and what your boyfriend is telling you. Maybe he is lying to you-but it may not be something bad-maybe he bought some kind of gift for you or something. I think you should not mention it to him anymore-but keep the gps in the car just to be safe.
Author angelrae Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Thank you all for your thoughts. It is nice to have someone to talk with about this. I think I am going to confront him or at least show him the proof. If I am wrong (and the GPS screwed up) and he doesn't want to be with me after I've shown my mistrust then so be it. The worst thing in the world for me is to have to go through this again. I can not plan a wedding, get all excited, spend every day hearing him say I love you, having sex with him, being happy like nothing is wrong if he actually betrayed me by sleeping with another woman and bringing her into his home. I CAN'T live that lie. I did it before and was devastated when I found out. As for the reasons he would make the trip and then say he never left the house- #1 he doesn't drink so he couldn't have been drunk and not remembered. #2 if he was too tired he wouldn't have been able to make the drive, walk into the store and buy something etc #3 he didn't buy me a present- he's not a gifty type guy. He will buy me things on my birthday and christmas but isn't big on presents just because. I don't have a problem with that, I'm just saying that is not a possibility. so that is why #4 he went there to pick up or meet some girl and take her back to his house that night and brought her back there in the morning and then picked up a few things he needed from the store- is the only one that makes any sense to me. I know I am probably risking my relationship by revealing to him about the GPS but I HAVE to know. People who have nothing to hide don't hide anything. If he did make the trip and it was innocent (he just went to pick something up) there is no reason for him to totally deny leaving the house that night.
love2dance Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Just wondering-have you gotten any counseling? You experience was very traumatic and I'm sure you would benefit from it.
MichiganMan222 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I think it sounds suspicious. How can someone spend $137 dollars and forget why. If he was there 10 minutes, it was obviously one or two items. I'd worry about the scenerio of picking someone up at Wal-Mart, spending the night and then returning them the next day too. The shopping was probably just convenience since he was there. If it were me in your situation, I would not say a word about the GPS and stop talking about Wal-Mart. I would drop it completely and continue to monitor the GPS. You'll know what to do then. Either you will find out he's cheating and save yourself (again), or you will find out he's not and give yourself a much needed piece of mind. Disclaimer: I'm not saying what I would do is right or fair, but its absolutely what I would do in that situation.
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It's difficult to spend $137 and not know why, he didn't exactly buy a couple of candy bars did he? Did it not say on the receipt what he bought? Is it possible he bought something you might disapprove of him spending money on and he's hiding it? I guess if you really want to know what happened then you have to confront him, but really it would be best if you could think of some other way to do it other than admitting you monitored him via gps. Perhaps if you threatened to leave him unless he told the truth, or even moved out for a couple of nights, it might force him to tell you what was going on. Tell him you're convinced he's lying and he was at WalMart, you want to know what he was doing there and what he spent $137 on, and if you don't get the truth you're walking... and then walk. He'll spit the truth out pretty quickly.
sxyNYCcpl Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Either you will find out he's cheating and save yourself (again), or you will find out he's not and give yourself a much needed piece of mind. Absence of proof is not proof of absence. In her current frame of mind, days could turn into weeks into months into years with little to no suspicious activity, but it would just be because she hasn't found it YET. I do not think she would buy any evidence no matter how convincing. I'm not saying the guy isn't doing anything wrong, I have no knowledge of that one way or the other, only that this is incredibly thin and that she is predisposed to believe something is going on, with ZERO reason.
MichiganMan222 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I know what you're saying, but at some point she has to concede nothing is going on....for now. From what I've seen and heard from multiple places, cheaters keep cheating so I suspect if he is, it wouldn't be long until he does again. But your point is well taken; can she ever be comfortable? Does comfort require infinite knowledge of no cheating courtesy of the GPS? That's up to her I suppose. She's been through hell and back with the last guy and that can scar one's trust. I know exactly how she feels, because I've been there. I was cheated on myself and I wouldn't think twice about protecting my current relationship with a little spot-checking. It's probably sad to most, but when someone convinces you that you are the center of their universe and then they spread their legs for someone else, how can you possibly ever believe that again?
Author angelrae Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 It's difficult to spend $137 and not know why, he didn't exactly buy a couple of candy bars did he? Did it not say on the receipt what he bought? Is it possible he bought something you might disapprove of him spending money on and he's hiding it? I guess if you really want to know what happened then you have to confront him, but really it would be best if you could think of some other way to do it other than admitting you monitored him via gps. Perhaps if you threatened to leave him unless he told the truth, or even moved out for a couple of nights, it might force him to tell you what was going on. Tell him you're convinced he's lying and he was at WalMart, you want to know what he was doing there and what he spent $137 on, and if you don't get the truth you're walking... and then walk. He'll spit the truth out pretty quickly. Many thanks again for your responses everyone. I just want to clarify this point (if it matters) The $137 that he has a check for (not a receipt) is for the next day (at 11am) that he went to Wal-mart. THe GPS shows he was there for 11 minutes that time. That makes me wonder if there is something screwy with the GPS timing because I dont' see how anyone could spend $137 in Wal-mart on a Sunday just before noon and there only be 11 minutes between the time you stop your vehicle and get back in it again. Normally it takes ten minutes to wait in line there! He does remember the $137 trip. Does not remember everything he bought but knows he went there to get some things he didn't pick up the day before when we were there together. So that is explained. The part that isn't explained (no receipt, no check, no memory of the trip) is that the GPS shows he went to Wal-mart on a saturday night leaving the house at apprx 11:30 driving the 12 minutes to wal-mart and then spending 10 minutes there and then driving back arriving home just after midnight. That is the part that concerns me. As an update, I did talk to my fiance last night and I fessed up to the GPS. I told him I had absolute proof that he was at Wal-mart like I said and showed him the driving record. He was suprised that I would do that to him, but didn't get mad at me. He said he understands why I am so cautious. He told me that "if that says I went there I must have but honestly I don't remember it and I have NO idea what I would have gotten that night. I told him that is why I think that he went there to pick up another woman and brought her home with him. He told me he did not do that and would not do that to me. He said that is definately not what happened and that he still does not remember going there or for what reason but he can't deny the GPS thing. He was trying to remember what he might have gone there to pick up but said it doesn't make sense because he remembers staying home that night. He didn't get defensive, was just kind of confused. Based on my experience with cheaters, they normally start screaming at you and accusing you of not trusting them and get angry that you used some means to catch them. They are mad they are caught and try to place the blame on you. I mean he wasnt exactly happy that I resorted to using the GPS but he didn't change his story and back pedal (another thing cheaters do) and say that yes, he was there but he didn't tell me because he knew I would worry and think something bad was going on because he went there so late at night so he didnt' tell me. (thats another thing my ex would say, like he was protecting me) He stuck to the story of not remembering going. I felt better about it last night after talking to him but today I am kind of back to how I felt yesterday. Just worried, like, how could he NOT remember going???? And if he did go (which obviously he did if you look at the GPS) why didn't he mention it to me the next day. Obviously he HAD to remember going the very next day (it was only hours later when he talked to me). When he told me he did not bring anyone home with him, he sounded sincere or maybe it was just what I really wanted to hear so I believed him. The strange thing was he just dropped the subject after we talked and acted like nothing was wrong at all. Just talked to me normally and made no other mention of the GPS thing. I felt weird after telling him because I felt like some kind of freak spying on him. I told him the reasons I did it and because I thought he was going to break up with me or might be cheating because I felt him pulling away a little and he told me just because I feel that doesn't mean he is doing anything wrong, just that like me, he needs his space sometimes and doesn't want to come out and say "hey, I need a day to myself or a few hours to go fishing alone or something" because he doesn't want me to feel he doesn't want to be around me. He said we need to work on getting on the same page so I don't feel threatened or think he is going to do what my ex did. He said he wants to marry me more than anything and would never cheat on me because he doesn't want to lose me. So I'm feeling a little better but still on the fence. Not sure what to believe.
angie2443 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 The part that isn't explained (no receipt, no check, no memory of the trip) is that the GPS shows he went to Wal-mart on a saturday night leaving the house at apprx 11:30 driving the 12 minutes to wal-mart and then spending 10 minutes there and then driving back arriving home just after midnight. That is the part that concerns me. I felt better about it last night after talking to him but today I am kind of back to how I felt yesterday. Just worried, like, how could he NOT remember going???? And if he did go (which obviously he did if you look at the GPS) why didn't he mention it to me the next day. Obviously he HAD to remember going the very next day (it was only hours later when he talked to me). When he told me he did not bring anyone home with him, he sounded sincere or maybe it was just what I really wanted to hear so I believed him. . This is what would concern me. It doesn't mean anything happened, but maybe it is something to keep track of incase he does something else that doesn't add up in some way. If things stay normal between you and he doesn't forget anymore trips to the store, then probably nothing happened. If this happens again, or something else happens that feels like a red flag, then keep track of these things. They might mean something. Untill then, just listen to your gut about these things.
Thornton Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Your fiance is being very understanding about all of this. You're right, cheaters usually either back-pedal or get really angry and try to put the blame on you, his reaction doesn't sound like he has anything to hide. He seems willing to work on your issues with you, and he still wants to marry you. You just have to accept that people don't remember every little thing they do - the human brain isn't wired that way. I don't remember which days I went to the store either. The only thing I would find suspicious is that he could spend $137 in such a short period of time and not recall spending such a large amount (I don't know the difference between a check and a receipt, so I can't comment). Maybe his parents might remember, seeing as he went there immediately afterwards? Your bf seems willing to help you work on your issues, so maybe he would agree for the gps to remain in the car? If it makes you feel better and he has nothing to hide, I don't think he would mind. Stick a voice activated recorder under the seat if you want to check for any female voices in his car. I don't think you'll find anything though. Perhaps some pre-marriage counselling might help you to deal with your trust issues? Your ex cheating has clearly affected you more than you care to acknowledge, and your bf sound supportive enough to go with you if it would help you to feel better.
Chocolat Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I think you need to get counseling for your trust issues before you ruin this r/s. While I agree that your previous experience was damaging, I also know that you need to put that firmly in your past (with help from counseling, if necessary) if you are to have a healthy future. Placing a gps on your bf's car and driving yourself (and him) crazy by tracking his movements and then becoming near hysterical when he can't remember a 10-minute tip 3 weeks after the fact is a recipe for failure.
Author angelrae Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Your fiance is being very understanding about all of this. You're right, cheaters usually either back-pedal or get really angry and try to put the blame on you, his reaction doesn't sound like he has anything to hide. He seems willing to work on your issues with you, and he still wants to marry you. You just have to accept that people don't remember every little thing they do - the human brain isn't wired that way. I don't remember which days I went to the store either. The only thing I would find suspicious is that he could spend $137 in such a short period of time and not recall spending such a large amount (I don't know the difference between a check and a receipt, so I can't comment). Maybe his parents might remember, seeing as he went there immediately afterwards? Your bf seems willing to help you work on your issues, so maybe he would agree for the gps to remain in the car? If it makes you feel better and he has nothing to hide, I don't think he would mind. Stick a voice activated recorder under the seat if you want to check for any female voices in his car. I don't think you'll find anything though. Perhaps some pre-marriage counselling might help you to deal with your trust issues? Your ex cheating has clearly affected you more than you care to acknowledge, and your bf sound supportive enough to go with you if it would help you to feel better. I really don't want to keep the GPS in his truck. That feels weird. Also if he were cheating, if he knows about the GPS obviously he knows not to do things he shouldn't. Or he could just leave the GPS with someone else and drive around without it. Defeats the purpose. And if I want to marry him I can't track his movements. If I need all that then I should just leave him. I used the GPS just to check up on him and I didn't think I would find anything. I don't know if it makes sense, but just as reassurance that all was ok. And again, I want to stress- the late night trip is not when he spent $137. that was the next day which he does remember clearly. It was after this that he went to his parents' house. Not after the late night trip. There is no record of him spending ANY money that night in question. I mean he could have easily paid cash for some small purchase and that is why there is no record. I just don't understand how he could be so sure he NEVER went there (he kept saying all he did that night was go to bed after I left (and that he laid in bed for quite a while till 2am because the neighbors were so loud). He is so CERTAIN this is all he did. It wasn't until he saw the GPS report that he was like well I must have gone but I still don't remember it... He's not in the habit of doing that and not in the habit of forgetting a lot of things either. So it still smells sort of like a cover up to me. My insecurites are based on my past I know this and maybe I Do need more counseling (I did go after my ex and I broke up). I guess my feeling is if things DON'T make sense there is normally a good reason for it (because you aren't being told the whole truth).
Author angelrae Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I think you need to get counseling for your trust issues before you ruin this r/s. While I agree that your previous experience was damaging, I also know that you need to put that firmly in your past (with help from counseling, if necessary) if you are to have a healthy future. Placing a gps on your bf's car and driving yourself (and him) crazy by tracking his movements and then becoming near hysterical when he can't remember a 10-minute tip 3 weeks after the fact is a recipe for failure. It's not just the fact that he doesn't remember the trip. It is that he was SO SURE he absolutely 100% did not go there at midnight EVER. He just denied and denied and tried to tell me he had never left the house and that he'd NEVER gone to Wal-mart ever in his life that late (I have). I guess it would be like if you had reason to believe your partner had been to location A on Saturday night and he told you he'd never been to location A EVER in his life and was home all night saturday night watching tv and then went to bed. Then you have this concrete proof (Like I do) that yes, he HAD been to location A on saturday night. Then he uses the excuse he just doesn't remember that. How does one (even the next day when he talked to me he never mentioned it) not remember driving somewhere at midnight???? and then when shown the proof they just look at you in confusion and say they still don't remember, have no idea why they would have been there and tell you it doesnt' make sense but obviously they cant' argue with the proof and they must have been there? I mean I would HATE to find out that he went and picked some girl up there and brought her home and then took her back the next morning but it is the only thing that makes sense to my paranoid brain! I honestly thought when I showed him the proof that he would confess that is exactly what happened and that he was sorry and he'd know he was caught and then it would be all over. That was the ONLY reason I could possibly think of. It would be an easy and convenient thing to deny he'd been there and say he never left the house then confronted with the proof, he could easily say, oh I dont' remember being there and then reassure me it wasn't because of some other woman. My ex used to say he couldn't remember things (not actual events but details of things like times and people he saw because he was probably telling so many lies it was just easier to say "I don't remember" instead of trying to figure out what his story was supposed to be or what he'd told me at the time.) So while my initial feelings were that he was telling the truth, the more I think about it, I just dont' know. Something is just bugging me and I dont' know if it is truly from the current situation or just that old feeling of unease from my past.
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