Is my relationship with divorced dad disfunctional?

[pinkpanther083]

I've been with my partner for 2 years, known him for 3, we met at work. When we got together I didn't expect things to become serious, neither did he. We got on great had fun together and I couldn't be without him. I knew he was separated form his wife and divorce paperwork was on its way, I also knew he had two daughters, 7 yrs old and 2 yrs old at the time, what I didn't know was how difficult things would get.

I met the children after 4 months; the four of us would spend a bit of time together, but not much at this point. He used to stay over his ex's house Tuesday and Thursday nights looking after the children while she went out, he would also stay over one night at the weekend for the same reason. I'd pop over some evenings when she was out and would play with the kids most of the time, while he cooked or used the computer. This was fine - I needed to get to know the children, and it was important to me that we got along because I envisaged their father and I having a long relationship.

In December 2007 I was in a car accident and off work for a month, I couldn't do much for myself, so my partner moved in to the house I shared with 3 friends who we both worked with. He stopped staying over at his ex's and instead came back to mine and stayed with me. When I got better he continued to live there with me until May when we moved in with my sister (she has a large 10 bed house). When we worked together I saw him everyday, we were in the same team for a few months. We have now lived with my sister for over a year, it was supposed to be temporary until we saved enough money for a deposit. No money has been saved as my partner has a fair amount of debt and spends roughly £700 a month paying it off (some of that is child support) then on top of that there is rent to my sister, food for the month and diesel for the car. If he runs out of money during the month then the remainder of my wages after bills, rent to my sister etc is shared between us. Since moving in with my sister the children have stayed with us for one night every weekend, and if that's a Saturday night (which it tends to be), we have them most of Saturday and Sunday too. He still goes to his ex’s on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but he takes my car and drives himself home around 11.30pm. Or if I need the car in the evening, I go and pick him up from her house. He had a scooter, but it got stolen from outside his ex’s house last summer. I loaned him £1600 to pay for his bike test and a motorbike when he passed. The bike needed headlights to be fitted so he could ride it at night, he began work on it but it remains unfinished.

We use my car to pick the girls up at the weekends and drop them home again, the ex does nothing to help, my partner’s answer when I asked if she could share the driving was "I'm the one who moved 13 miles away, so why should she do it." There seems to be very little compromise where the ex is concerned. We live together but I only see my partner properly twice a week, and at the weekend which isn't quality time because the children are around. I have never had a problem with the children, I have never been jealous of them for the time they have with him, I think he is a wonderful father and gives more time to his children than a lot of other divorced parents (including his own, which is why I believe he tries so hard). On Tuesdays and Thursdays he goes to his ex’s after work and gets there at 4.30, sometimes the 4 of them have dinner together, unless she is on her way out, and then she goes out, he puts the girls to bed at 8 and stays the rest of the evening till she gets home. I have asked him before whether he could come home after the children are in bed – their grandmother (her mum) lives 4 doors away! And he said no as it is written into the divorce that he has to have the children twice overnight during the week, and the ex is actually doing us a favor by coming home. I’m not familiar with divorce paperwork or custody agreements, but does that sort of thing happen? Anyway I suppose the long and short of it is, we don’t get much time together as a couple, and I suppose I feel his ex wife comes before me on his list of priorities.

We don’t really do anything during the time we do get, usually because there isn’t enough money to go round. I don’t get a say in when we spend time together either, him and the ex sort that out, I have asked to be included. For about 3 weeks he asked me whether there were plans for the weekend and what day I’d prefer to have the girls over to stay (Friday as it means we at least get Sunday together), but then that all went out the window, I mentioned it again, the pattern repeated so I gave up asking. Recently I asked whether we could have one weekend a month where we have the whole weekend to ourselves, his response was: “why do we need a whole weekend, and it could be inconvenient for Sophie”.

Plans we’ve made in the past to do things, even when we have the money, end up getting cancelled. I booked a table at a restaurant for our anniversary (which he said was silly to celebrate as we weren’t married), but last minute he wanted to take the girls to Legoland that day, so by the time we got home we had an hour to get ready, but were too tired to go, so I cancelled the booking. Even on my birthday we didn’t spend time alone together, it was sweet because the children wanted to see my on my birthday, so they stayed over the night before and woke me up in the morning with a room full of pink balloons a present and cards. Then we all went out for an evening meal, again it was nice, but not really how I wanted to spend my 25th birthday. I know presents aren’t important, but my partner didn’t get me one, or a card. He said he was going to take me to London to see a show. It is now June and we haven’t been.

He told me he loved me roughly a year ago. I’d said it to him a couple of times before, and said I didn’t expect him to say it straight away. But it’s something he’s said about 3 times, actions may speak louder than words, but I think it’s important to tell the person you love how you feel for them. He says it is difficult for him; from what I can tell he didn’t have very loving parents, his mother was never around, and his Dad left, I suspect this may have something to do with it. Is it expecting too much that after 2 years he’d be comfortable enough to tell me?! I sometimes say it, but in truth it got to the stage where it was upsetting not getting a response, so I stopped. I wonder whether he was like this when he was married, I asked him but didn’t really get an answer.

There was a period between November (my birthday) and New Year where I felt I may as well be alone because even when we were in the same room I felt lonely. Christmas was particularly upsetting for me, and I feel perhaps I was being selfish, which is something I try not to be as there is no place for it in this situation. In 2007 he spent Christmas Eve with the children till bed time and then he came home to me and we went for a few drinks with my sister and her husband. Christmas morning he was back with the children and came home at lunch time. We spent Boxing Day with his family. In 2008 my family decided to go away at Christmas from the 23rd-26th December. My partner could not come with us as he was seeing the children Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning as usual. My older sister and her husband joined us on Christmas day after lunch, my partner was invited to joint them, and to stay at the hotel too, but he declined. I spoke to him a couple times while I was away, but he never contacted me, and told me I was being stupid when I said I missed him. I suppose it was this which made me sit back and look at the life we would have, that we’d never have a Christmas morning together, well not for several years at least. We’d never be able to have plans just ‘for us’.

The ex-wife can be difficult, I’m not sure whether she does it on purpose, but , she has never liked the fact that we are together, even though until recently she was in a relationship herself and had been for nearly 2 years, but she has apparently said that she is glad the children get along with me so well. But this doesn’t stop her from causing problems. My partner and I pick the children up from her house at the weekend; normally I’d stay in the car, once I got out of the car as he came out carrying a lot of things. The youngest ran up to me and hugged me. The following week, my partner told me not to get out of the car because his ex had seen Lucy hug me and it really upset her. I was hurt when he said this because I felt that he was putting her feelings before mine. I asked him later if he understood why I was upset, and he said no because he isn’t in my situation but I should understand how difficult it is for a mother to see their child run to another woman. He didn’t understand my feeling, yet he expected me to understand hers. Even though I did understand I thought my partner could have called a middle ground. All I have done for the past 2 years is be understanding and flexible with time and arrangements, but Sophie doesn’t change her plans to accommodate us like we do for her.

The thing is, as well as we get on, and as sweet and as well behaved as they are, I’ve noticed over the last couple of months that I dread the weekends and I feel agitated when the children are over. I don’t let it show, I still care for them, but it’s becoming more difficult to cope with children being around, especially if I haven’t seen my partner much. I suppose the four of us do have a life together, but I don’t feel like it’s my life.

My best friend is getting married this weekend, and my other sister and I have been very involved. The wedding has given me reason to leave the house, I don’t see my friends often, but if I do I try to make arrangements for Tuesdays and Thursdays so I still get time with my partner. It has also provided an excuse to get out of the house at the weekends, and it means I get a weekend without seeing the children that much, or at all. I feel mean and cruel for thinking and feeling this way about two little girls, but I feel trapped and like life is passing me by. I’m only 25! I’m not sure if my partner has picked up on the reason why I’ve not been around, but even then, I only spent two Saturdays shopping for an outfit, I went out one night with a friend, and then I went away for a night for the Hen Party. He has been saying lately that he doesn’t get to see me, as I’m ‘always out’, he took up golf with his best friend, and for a month went to the driving range every Wednesday evening, I never complained because I know he doesn’t get much time with his friends outside of work, even though it meant another evening on my own.

I probably should mention that I have been on anti depressants and anti anxiety tablets for the past year and a half, initially because of the stress of work. I changed jobs a year ago, but I am still taking the tablets. I noticed an improvement when I left my old job, but around Christmas things changed. Some days are of course worse than others, and if I forget my medication I notice a difference. The past two months I have noticed a decline in my mood, and I feel on the brink of tears almost daily. I can’t help but think that if this was caused by my pervious job, then I should be recovered by now.

He said when we move out, which is due to happen before August (my dad has a house which we will rent from him); the girls may stay over ours Tuesdays and Thursdays too. A year ago I wanted it that way because it meant he’d be at home with me those evenings and not at his ex’s, but now, after a year of having the girls to stay every weekend, I’m not sure I’d be able to cope having children over during the week as well, at the moment I’m finding weekends increasingly difficult. I suppose nothing is stopping me from going out of the house, except I think my partner (whether he is aware of it or not) sees me being tied to them like he is. I also don’t want to have to leave my home every weekend, and it’s not a permanent solution.

I do have thoughts about what my life would be like if we broke up, I’d miss him very much, I know he wouldn’t stay in contact with me. He has been part of my family for 2 years, everybody likes him. But they aren’t ‘raising’ his children. I imagine what life would be like if it were just the two of us, lazy weekends, trips out just for the two of us, money to go round for the month, no restriction on our time together, our whole lives ahead of us to plan for and experience together. But we’ll never have that will we. I envy my friend who is getting married, I have known her and her partner since college; I have watched them buy a house together, helped them do it up, seen them get engaged and plan a wedding, everything in their lives is about each other, their future plans are for themselves and the family they will have together.

My friends don’t know why I’m holding on to the relationship, they see me as being unhappy and unfulfilled. I saw a counselor for a month after, and she told me to leave him, that he sounded horrible and uncaring, and she said the ex-wife had too much power. He isn’t horrible, he isn’t cruel -he is just unaware and can be inconsiderate at times. My older sister says I should wait it out till we live in our own house together as having our own house will improve the situation. I worry though, if we do move into the new house together and set up the spare bedroom for the girls as intended, won’t it disrupt them even more if we break up after the move and after they have stayed round? I also worry about what my partner will do; he’d have to go back to living with his Nan, and I think he’d be devastated by a break up because, despite everything, he has a good heart; a father as devoted as he is wouldn’t have anything else. My brother in law thinks the world of him, but thinks he can be selfish when it comes to spending time with me, and he thinks my partner puts too much into the children. My brother in law said if he and my sister divorced he’d make time for my niece, but he wouldn’t devote his life to her like my partner does, as he’d need to have a life too.

I’m terrified I’m going to make a mistake, I could give up someone special or waste years of my life in the wrong relationship. I feel utterly confused, and then I have moments of clarity when I think I can do this, I can be in this relationship, but then I have moments when it’s all too much and I see my life passing me by and I’m not willing to settle for a compromise.

[2sure]

Well, first I feel no guilt whatsoever in telling you most parents, together or not, want to have a regular saturday night free of children. What you are asking for is reasonable and required. But you know this.

 

He is primarily with you because living with you enables him to not live with his "Nan", and allows him a place to bring his children without having the financial burdens he would otherwise have. He is more than happy to continue renting from your relatives, but not to tell you he loves you and emphasizes that you are not married when you bring up uncomfortable subjects.

 

His ex wife is offended that her children would show you affection because : Although she is grateful the girls have a place to go in your home....his attitude regarding your relationship has left her to feel you are no more than a baby sitter and convenience. Not a priority in his life or the children's. But you know this.

[Thornton]

Your bf is not prioritising you in his life at all; he is prioritising his ex and his children above you, and as long as he continues to do this you cannot have a proper relationship. Of course he should see his kids, but there must be some boundaries, and he needs to make time for you in his life too - if he makes plans with you, he should stick to them. You and his kids should come joint first in his life, and his ex should be in second place. When she complained about the kid hugging you, he shouldn't have pandered to her feelings and told you to stay in the car; he should have explained that you are his partner and obviously you are going to be involved in the kids' lives. He should never cancel plans with you to pander to her whims; she needs to know where his boundaries are.

 

I think that to sort this situation out a drastic change needs to be made: at present he is going over to his ex's house and getting involved in her life and the kids' lives, and it needs to be reversed so that the kids get picked up and brought to your place, and they are involved in your life. He shouldn't be going to her place at Xmas; he should collect the kids when it's his turn to see them and he should bring them to your place to spend time with you and him. At present your bf is the one who has two lives; this needs to change so that he and his ex are separate, and the kids are the ones who have two lives; one life with their mum, and a separate life with their dad and you. He should not be leaving you to go to them: he should have a life with you, and his kids should be involved in your life together.

 

What if you marry and have kids together in a few years time? Is he going to leave you and your kids, and go to the ex's house to spend Xmas morning with her and her kids? What he should be doing is picking up his kids and bringing them to your place to spend time with his new family, with their stepmother and their half siblings.

 

It seems like your bf has trouble setting boundaries between his ex's life and his own; he is still far too involved in her life, and he needs to have his own life with you and then find a way to involve the kids in your life together. It doesn't sound like he would be prepared to do that, and tbh because you're young and have no kids with this man, my advice is to end the relationship and look for a man with no kids, or a man who is able to maintain a healthy division between his ex's life and his own.

[pinkpanther083]

Hi Thornton,

 

thank you fro your advice. I have spoken to my partner before about the future and what would happen if we were to get married and have children, I asked whether it would be a case of him seeing us on Monday and Wednesdays and his reply was "Well I'll see them all evenly that way". I wasn't the answer I hoped for, but in a way I wasn't surprised. I brough it up again a week or so later and he said he was joking, and it would mean he's have to not see his children as much. My reaction was of course guilt that my needs meant the girls would see thier dad less. The conversation ended with "we'll sort it out if it happens". Presently I do feel I love him, but I also wonder whether I'll be able to continue if the situation stays as it is. Like I said he isn't unkind, he gets on well with all my family and is willing to lend a helping hand should anyone need it, my dad's business is property, and my partner has helped out with past projects or giving a hand moving equipment etc. My previous boyfriend, who I was with for 3 years, but then off and on for 4 years after that, never got involved with my family, I think he met my parents twice at BBQs they had, and even then didn't say much to them. He also had a pretty independent life - with his freinds, and playing football, I asked to spend more time with him and he said "get a hobby". I suppose I have been used being an 'extra' in my boyfriends' lives, and it is probably my fault I'm in this situation. I have talked to my current partner several times, about feeling unimportant, he does reasure me that I am, but when it comes to discussing how he feels and what he thinks about what I've said, I don't get much of a response, he says it's difficult for him. Then he says it's his fault I'm unhappy, and that I've just told him he is a bad boyfriend, so instinctively I comfort him, and feel that I haven't been understanding and that I'm being selfish. It sounds as though he is emotionally manipulating me, but it honesty doesn't feel like that at the time.

When we are togethr on our own, we get on well, it's not exciting, we both come home from work, chat while he cooks dinner, have dinner together and then after I've cleaned up the kitchen, we sit and watch a movie. If we had more time together I expect we would do more with our time (finances permitting). But I can't help think there has to be more to life than this? I miss going out, going for drinks in a few bars with my friends, heading to a nightclub, or going to the beach for a BBQ at the weekends, having girly nights in with DVDs. Instead lately with my friends upcoming wedding I'm made to feel guilty about not being around to see him and the children. He doesn't ask if I had a nice time, or say he is glad I'm spending time with my friends, like I do when he does.

How do you leave somebody you care about? How do you tell them you can't be with them becuase they are too devoted to thier children?

[TaraMaiden]

You posted this on another forum, but I have no way of knowing whether you saw my response, so I'm duplicating it here for you:

 

 

I read, and re-read your post twice

I look at you, and all I see is doormat written in large letters on your forehead.

You have to end this now.

He's still emotionally attached to his ex- but it's too much for him to expect you to consider her feelings without taking yours into the equasion.

If you stay, it will hurt you, and continue to hurt you, because there is no emotional fulfilment in this set-up for you AT ALL.

And there never will be.

You will always have to share him with others, to your disadvsantage and detriment.

If you really do wish to sincerely play second fiddle to his ex- and his kids, that's your choice.

I'd have ended it here:

 

The bike needed headlights to be fitted so he could ride it at night, he began work on it but it remains unfinished.

 

No staying-power, no commitment, and things left unfinished.

Story of your life.

 

Kick him out and be done with it.

incidentally, I'm pushing 50 met my partner at age 46. Not that you'll have to wait until you're my age, but Love can happen any time. And it will happen to you.

This isn't Love, by the way.

It's convenience.

For him.

And only him.

[pinkpanther083]

Hi 2Sure,

 

Thank you for writng a reply, I really appreciate being given advice, and hopefully a new perspective. Soe of what you said has crossed my mind too, but I have tended to dismiss it because the fact that it is true scares me. I even tried to explain to him how his pandering to his ex-wife's complaints reflects on our relationship. She kicked off again a few weeks after the first 'incident' just because I was sat in the car. He tells me when she plays up, but doesn't do anything about it. I asked him if he said anything to her that day, and he said 'Yeah I told her it was either you be in the car, or I'd have been late getting here to pick them up' He didn't understand why this bothered me. He should have defended me and said that I am his partner, he lives with me and it is MY car. When I said this to him, he got annoyed. I see the things that are wrong, but I believe he loves me, but I don't feel loved, I have come to accept what little affection he gives me and am greatful for it. I want more, but I think I'm scared to leave him, I don't want to hurt him or the children, I find myself justifying his actions and making excuses for him, which I then believe to be true. Things get on top of me so much that I shut down and switch off, and carry on, until it gets to the point where I can't take it anymore and beginh the 'thinking' process all over again, and then shut down. I suppose it's been like this since christmas. But because things have improved, and he now tells me he misses me, I hold on to that and the hope that it will get better. Then I come back to reality and remember he has children and an ex-wife.

[pinkpanther083]

Dear TaraMaiden,

 

Thank you for your post, I feel like I've been caught out for writing on two sights! I just wanted to make sure I got as much feedback as possible. I appreciate you taking the time to reply on both websites.

 

Your right, everybody who has given me feedbak has said things along the same lines, and in my heart I know it's true. I just feel so confused I have many conflicting emotions which keep pulling me in different directions. I have spoken to my parents and my sister but they are giving me different advice, my parents say leave as he will be a drain on me for as long as I am with him, mum said not to rush as she thinks I love him, my dad thinks he is taking me for a ride even though he is a nice lad. My older sister, who we live with, thinks the world of him, and says wait it out till we have lived in our own house together as a couple, something we have not yet done - but I think that will be worse, at least now whn he is out i have my sister and brother in law for company.

We broke up, well went on a 'break', several months ago because I wasn't happy, he moved out that day, but he persisted in contacting me, and a couple of days later we met up and talked, he moved back in the following day. Not a good move.

I just feel so afraid that I'll make a mistake, I know I want more, I want to build on my scuba diving experience and become an instructor, work and maybe live abroad. I'll never be able to do that with him, but then I think that goal is unattainable, and not worth giving up someone I love. I'm not sure why I love him though. Maybe it's company. I've spent a lot of my life feeling lonely, especially throughout college and university, I had friends, but felt alone still. I'm scared to have the conversation, I don't want him to get angry, and I don't want to hurt him. But like you said, I'm hurting, and that won't change. I do just tend to lay down and take it, I get a bit of fight in me once in a while, but we talk and then it fades away.

[TaraMaiden]

Dear TaraMaiden,

 

 

Thank you for your post, I feel like I've been caught out for writing on two sights! I just wanted to make sure I got as much feedback as possible. I appreciate you taking the time to reply on both websites.

hey, no, that's not a problem! It's quite usual, I just didn't want you to think you weren't getting feedback from all sides!

 

Your right, everybody who has given me feedbak has said things along the same lines, and in my heart I know it's true. I just feel so confused I have many conflicting emotions which keep pulling me in different directions. I have spoken to my parents and my sister but they are giving me different advice, my parents say leave as he will be a drain on me for as long as I am with him, mum said not to rush as she thinks I love him, my dad thinks he is taking me for a ride even though he is a nice lad.

You know what? I hate to say it, but I'd go with your dad's hunch here.

He's a bloke, just like your guy, and can probably read him a mile off.

Your mum and sis are hoping for you, and erring on the fantasy-romantic side of things. They want it to work for you - but they're thinking with their hearts, whereas your dad's thinking with his head.....

 

My older sister, who we live with, thinks the world of him, and says wait it out till we have lived in our own house together as a couple, something we have not yet done - but I think that will be worse, at least now whn he is out i have my sister and brother in law for company.

I think your hunch is probably spot-on... you've been living this life - they've just been looking on....

 

We broke up, well went on a 'break', several months ago because I wasn't happy, he moved out that day, but he persisted in contacting me, and a couple of days later we met up and talked, he moved back in the following day. Not a good move.

I agree. You said it....

Have you looked at the No Contact thread? You really do need to look that over before you do anything else.

Breaking No contact is disrespecting you and playing with your mind.

But you need to be strong and resist responding....

 

 

I just feel so afraid that I'll make a mistake, I know I want more, I want to build on my scuba diving experience and become an instructor, work and maybe live abroad. I'll never be able to do that with him, but then I think that goal is unattainable, and not worth giving up someone I love.

 

My Grandmother always told me you die regretting the things you didn't do, not the things you did. She gave up on a possible lucrative singing career, and spent the rest of her life regretting it.

Please don't shelve living for stagnating....

 

I'm not sure why I love him though. Maybe it's company. I've spent a lot of my life feeling lonely, especially throughout college and university, I had friends, but felt alone still. I'm scared to have the conversation, I don't want him to get angry, and I don't want to hurt him. But like you said, I'm hurting, and that won't change. I do just tend to lay down and take it, I get a bit of fight in me once in a while, but we talk and then it fades away.

 

Frankly? Bluntly?

You're dependent. you're needing his presence, but you don't love him. You fear that without a significant other, you'll be somehow broken and incomplete.

I cannot begin to tell you how far removed from the truth this really is.

he's dragging you down, and turning you into someone you don't want to be. An appendage. A second thought. A by-the-way....

Please.

Please!

It's all over your posts!

 

Read them as if you're a complete stranger to the poster, as if you were to give an answer....

See how they sound empty and hollow?

Jeesh, you really need to get a hold of yourself and start LIVING!!!

[pinkpanther083]

I did what you said and Re-read my posts and I do sound rather pathetic. If I was my friend I woukd have grabbed me and given me a good shake. The thing is, despite the fact that everything I have written is true, not taken out of context, or exaggerated, I can't help but feel I'm betraying him, and highlighting his flaws as supposed to the good aspects. However when I think about what I get from the relationship compared to what I put in to it, I'm the one who is short changed. He is caring, he does all the cooking, he does make me laugh, although sometime his jokes can be misinterpreted, we do get along, and it is for these reasons that I think we could have a shot at working. But that doesn't change the fact that we don't get much time together, his wife comes before me, which he doesn't see, that fact alone makes me think he doesn't consider my feelings. In the past when h's been inconciderate and I've pointed it out to him he has taken notice, but sometimes he is defensive. For instance, Mothers Day, he was busy at work but had to order a present from his children for their mother. He didn't have time so he emailed me at work and asked me to do it. I did it because it was for the girls, but felt uncomfortable and hurt that he didn't see that it was inapropriate, I pointed it out to him that evening and he apologised.

 

Anyway, I am sounding like a broken record, I know everything I say sounds the same, it's frustrating because if it was just him, without the baggage, I think we'd have a good relationship, he might need a couple of pointers every now and then, but what man doesn't! but as I know, as you know, and as everybody knows he'll always have children and an ex-wife.

 

My other sister told me to 'grow a pair' and be done with it. I just know he is a good person and he has been trying, it has got better, and I feel guilty for asking him to improve, and then telling him it isn't enough. Oh blimey I could scream!!

[Thornton]

The first thing you need to think about is what you want your life to be like. YOUR life - this has nothing to do with him or the kids, I want you to think about what YOU want. Do you really want to become a scuba instructor and live abroad? Or do you want to stay in your country and live the home life with him and the kids, and maybe a couple of kids of your own eventually? You need to realise that if you stay with him you're giving up your dream of living abroad, he will never be able to come with you because he has to stay with his kids. You could probably still train to be a scuba instructor near where you live, but living abroad would be permanently off the cards, at least for a couple of decades till his kids grow up, and maybe even then he would be unwilling to move away. You need to decide whether you want to follow your dreams or work on this relationship. Do you think you're dependent on him, as TaraMaiden said? Do you love him and want to work things out, or are you just afraid to be alone and move on with your life?

 

If you choose to stay with him and the kids, then things need to change. You have to put your foot down and be prepared to leave the relationship if things do not improve, because you cannot continue like this. He needs to be made aware that things WILL change one way or the other - either he changes his behaviour or you will leave, but you will NOT allow the current situation to continue.

 

Here is what I consider to be reasonable: he has to separate the life you and he have together completely from his ex's life. He will not spend time alone at his ex's house any more, and you will not be left out of his relationship with his kids. He will collect the kids and bring them to your place to spend time with BOTH OF YOU, and his ex will have to accept that you're effectively in the position of stepmother and the kids are allowed to show affection towards you and treat you as a member of their family. He always has to put your feelings ahead of his ex's, and stand up for you if she moans about you, and any plans he makes with you have to come first - he has to set some proper boundaries and make sure she knows them, and he is not to cancel your plans on his ex's whims. If/when you have kids of your own, it will not be a Monday/Wednesday sort of arrangement - he will spend all of his time with your family, and sometimes his other kids will join you all.

 

You may think this sounds unreasonable, but I assure you this is the way most men with kids conduct their lives. They have a new family, and they involve their other kids in their new life - they do NOT flit off and live a double life which does not involve their new family at all. Your situation is only occurring because you allow it to - your sister is right, you need to "grow a pair" and stand up for yourself.

 

My advice is to seriously consider whether you want to be with this man, given that he has all this baggage and he doesn't seem prepared to deal with it in a way which is fair to you. You're young and you have dreams - perhaps you would be better off chalking this up to experience and moving on to fulfil your dreams and find a more considerate man. You may love him, but I'm unsure of his love for you, given the way he's treating you. You deserve better than this, and if he's not prepared to change and give you better then you need to look elsewhere.

[pinkpanther083]

Thank you so much for adding another post, I am very greatful for your help and I am giving my life serious thought.

 

At present my life consists of going to work, coming home spending the evening having dinner and watching tv with my partner, or an evening on my own, doing laundry and cleaning. At wekends the children are always here, and I'm usually the one entertaing them. When I do see friends, I don't have anything to talk about, they ask me what else is going on in my life and there isn't much, if anything that I can tell them; I tend to talk about other people and what they are doing or have done.

 

This is not what I want from life. I used to be quite spontaneous and fun, my friends say that I'm not the person they used to know, and that I've lost my sparkle. I want it back. My sister has just come out of a relationship with a guy who was wrong for her, and she is a new person, more sure of herself, socialising (something she didn't do even before she met him) and living. We are fortunate that our parents are secure financially and they have always said they will help us in anyway possible. My dad has always been keen for me to pursue scuba diving and when I mentioned that I had found courses abroad which train you to be an instructor in 3 months, he was elated, and offered to pay for the whole thing!

 

I'm torn between two lifestyles, going out into the world and doing what I have always dreamed of, or having a settled home life with my partner - something else which I have always dreamed of.....however I have realised that despit the fact that we are settled and have a new house on the horizon (which I would still move into if we split up), the home life we'd have isnt the one I dreamed about. I want love, I know what it feels like to be loved by somebody, and have them think the world of you, perhaps that's why I expect so much, or maybe it is simply that I have set a standard for what is acceptable.

 

I will talk things through with him, but I can't until fter my friends wedding, if I mess up her seating plan there will be hell to pay!

 

Once again thank you, you have been a great help.

[TaraMaiden]

I get the impression that you know what you have to do....

But naturally there is trepidation, fear and uncertainty.

 

Uncertainty is getting up with you every day, though.

Every day is an unknown.

I really would love you to turn your days into adventures, and not grindingly

boring ordeals.....

Right now, everything is being shelved, put aside, or relegated to a back-burner because....

 

....what?

 

Why, exactly...?

 

 

Who could blame you for taking control of your own life again, and living it to the full, for yourself?

 

I really wish you every wonderful thing you could possibly wish for yourself.

 

But nobody can go out and get it for you.

 

Life's a gamble.

Roll the dice, girl......

[Thornton]

You could spend 5-10 years chasing your dreams, and still find someone nice and have a settled home life in your 30s and 40s. If you devote the rest of your 20s to this man (who doesn't seem to respect you much tbh) you're probably never going to have those adventures, you're tying yourself down with someone else's kids and a man who prioritises another woman above you. I can tell from your posts that you're already regretful about spending your weekends looking after his kids instead of having fun and living your life.

 

You said you want love, and I don't think you're really getting it from this man. He doesn't put you first, he doesn't even put you before his ex, and I know how bad that feels. You're not expecting too much; in fact you're settling for too little. If he's behaved in such a selfish way for so long, I can't see him changing much even if you insist that you're not happy with things as they are, and I don't think your family want to see you play second fiddle for the rest of your life either - they didn't raise you to be someone else's doormat. If you're staying, you really have to insist on some major changes in the relationship... but I recommend thinking long and hard about leaving him and doing what's best for you instead of what you think is best for others.

[pinkpanther083]

After my friends wedding at the weekend I feel even more envious, I know deep down I'll never have that with him. In fact at the wedding I kept asking him to dance, he wouldn't so I asked if he'd mind if I did - with the bring and groom, my sister and the girls from the hen party. I danced for about half an hour, but left the floor a couple of times to say hello to him, and joined him outside where he was sat with some friends, he made a remark after a couple minutes and said it was the most he'd seen me all night - I didn't feel huilty like usual, instead I felt annoyed that he couldn't let me enjoy the evening, and that I'd not done anything wrong.

 

Today I'm at work, and he has the day off. He will be going to his ex's later on to see the girls while she goes out, he has the car so he will drive home later on. When he dropped me off at work I asked him if he'd be picking me up and she said that he couldn't as he had to be at Sophie's for 4.30pm. I didn't ask if he could get there later as I know he'd say no because it would mess up her plans. He suggested that I should walk (it's 3 miles) as it would be good for me. He then asked if I could get a lift with somebody at work. I said I don't like asking for lifts as it's not their responsibility to get me home! I could ask my brother in law to pick me up when he finishes work, it will mean me staying at work for an hour and half longer but I can cope with that I suppose, or I'll walk. I also asked him if he could pick me up for lunch, as I haven't got any food with me - he said he was on his way to golf - fortunately I have a box of cereal at work.

 

Maybe I'm noticing things more, or paying more attention to how I am actually treated, because today I feel really pushed aside, and hurt that he can do it to me when I always put him first. Today he has not only put the children and the ex-wife before me, but also himself as he wants to play golf. I'd never do that to him!

[2sure]

Pink -

 

I recognize something in you that I have had to identify myself in the past.

 

You are LOYAL. Sounds like a good thing doesnt it? But Loyal is not the same as being in love and cannot make a good relationship. That was me. Loyal like a Spaniel. I would stay in mediocre or even bad relationships...because thats the way I was. Loyal to my friends, my family, my partner, my jobs. The loyalty you feel, the obligation - doesnt make a dull job exciting, it doesnt make a dysfunctional family healthy, it doesnt make a relationship into a love match.

 

Now, if you take away that feeling of loyalty...whats left? It isnt selfishness. Recognize that.