KTMRider33 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Looks like my original thread has been locked so need to start again. Had a tough morning, went to the school my daughter is starting in September for an open morning. It was hard going on my own (STBX didn't turn up), and as STBX is a primary teacher it was hard being in that environment, if you've ever been married to a teacher you'll know that you end up helping out a lot! The OM is a teacher at my STBX's school and I know they where getting it on after school, another reason why I was not comfortable. But I held my head high and did it for my daughter. I had a good chat with the headmistress in her office and explained the situation, and asked about how they dealt with single parents. I also made sure she was aware of who my wife is, the local teaching community is a great gossip engine! To cap it all the OM was at the school, not sure why..... Well got to keep plodding on apparently it gets better. I need to get a plan together, I'm wallowing in self pity at the moment, and it's not doing me any good, it wont make this all go away. I'm still struggling to understand why this has happened, I have a million questions going round my head. How could she do this? Why did she do this? Why has she changed from the wonderful person I married? What is so great about him? Why can't she see he's a T**t? What can't she see he will hurt her? All she has done is trade me in for a different model, life doesn't change so much, you still have to do the washing, why can't she see this? How could she shatter my life after 15 years together, damage our children, and turn her life upside down? How did she switch off her love? Is she happy now? Does she feel guilty? Does she have any regrets? Does she think about me? Does she hate me? Why is she introducing this man to my children? Was I such a bad husband? And on and on and on and on......questions I will NEVER have the answers to. I dream about her every night, sometimes It's dreams we are back together, they are the hardest. I need to get some Gunny type training on the go......I'm fed up with wallowing. I never realized I could ever be so hurt by another,I knew I loved my wife, but had no concept of this, only somebody who has had it happen can ever truly understand. Ramble over>.........
hopesndreams Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I understand why my H had the affair and then left me. All those questions you have and don't have the answers, is so sad. Keep in mind though, it's not about you. It was all about her. Her wants, her desires, her screwed up logic, her this, her that and it wasn't about you. You could have been the perfect husband and things would have played out the same way. There are those that cheat and those that don't. That simple. Granted, it took her 15 years to do it but are you positive about that? Looking back on my marriage, there was a point 5 years in, that my H had changed and I chose to ignore it. I believe now, looking back, he had cheated once before. The second time he changed, I did something about it. Now he's gone. I never knew what home was or what loneliness meant until he left. I'm a tough cookie, been thru lots of crap in my life but this has really hit me hard. You will get through this. You have no choice. You will get stronger each day. A month from now look back on where you are today and I will guarantee you will notice a difference, for the better. It does not get worse, it only gets better. It just takes time and sometimes I just wish my life away so I can get to the point of feeling normal again.
Gowithflow Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I never realized I could ever be so hurt by another,I knew I loved my wife, but had no concept of this, only somebody who has had it happen can ever truly understand. Ramble over>......... Dude...More people have been in your position than you will ever know. You will come out of this a stronger person and a better man. You will be an awesome father, you will get over her, and you will move on. There is no option. You will recognize the changes in yourself and you will like them. You know this. Ask anyone who has been through it. Yes, it takes time, (I'm 8 months in same situation with ex, plus have a 5 yr old daughter and 50% custody). Put in the work. IT TAKES TIME. You don't have to like it right now, but you will be better off in time. You will find all sorts of ways to cope. Some will be better than others, keep the faith.
Cali Chris Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Hey KTM, dam same questions I have , and still none of the answers. It's been 6 months for me , just like gowithflow, I have 3 kids, an 8 month year old , ( she left me when she was only 2 months) 50% custody. And still I have the same thoughts and questions as you do!! Hopesndreams has I think the biggest point, ( it was all about her not what you did, it's all about her) It'll start getting better for us you'll see, I'm sure it will, but till then hang on , theres others in the same boat, and were all doing our best!! Take care, Cali Chris
Biggie25x Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I understand exactly what you're saying. I never knew I could hurt this bad either. I know now thought. I am looking to move forward but it's hard. It's hard to to deal with it when the day starts or in the middle of the night. When you used to have the intimate times alone, when you where a couple. It gets easier with time but you still think about it. You try to move on and keep active but when you stop it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. You go through life half a person, wondering if you will ever get it back. You're right. Unless you've been through it you had no idea another, especially the one who was supposed to love you the most, person could cause you this pain. Could destroy a part of your soul. A part of who you are or where. There is really nothing magic that can be said to get over it. You just have to suck it up, take care of yourself and move on.
Author KTMRider33 Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I am so pissed off........ I sent stbx a txt telling her I had been to the open morning at my daughters school. She replied "I was not aware of open day, I guess you got the letter. Thank you for ordering the uniform. I will speak to school about sending us both information. I would have been there if I'd known". What a load of BS I replied I am somewhat puzzled...... 10/6/09 @ 08.02 - I asked if you would be attending the open day the following week. You asked when it was. I replied @ 08.41 on the same day telling you it was Wednesday at 10.00, to whit you replied you did not have your diary! 11/6/0 @ 08.10 (or doughnut day) I txt'd you that you had not confirmed if you where attending, you replied that you had not asked your boss, but you 'should' be going. I am at a loss as to how you can claim you did not know about it. I have had a chat with the headmistress about the situation and she was most understanding. She has not replied. Now I know I shouldn't let her yank my chain, but FFS why is she bothering to lie, just say sorry I forgot, or I didn't want to go because I knew you would be there. This is so out of character, she would never have missed something like this in the past. Am I going to have to deal with this kind of s**t for the next 15 years?
Gowithflow Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 This is so out of character, she would never have missed something like this in the past. Am I going to have to deal with this kind of s**t for the next 15 years? Get used to it. From this point forward you can just assume that everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. It makes it much easier than it would be to actually believe her about anything. I do this now and I just wait for the lies as entertainment.
seibert253 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Get used to it. From this point forward you can just assume that everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. It makes it much easier than it would be to actually believe her about anything. I do this now and I just wait for the lies as entertainment. Right on the mark. Easiest to put it this way, if her mouth is moving, she's lying.
Author KTMRider33 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Well strange as it may sound, I am feeling a bit better.....not jumping for joy, but a bit calmer, still hurting, but not as much, maybe I have reached acceptance, not sure but the last couple of days have been OK. There is still crap flying about, emails from stbx about kids, signed with a kiss WTF!!!!!!! Her seeing him with the kids...... She had told her friend she would get the kids to call me on fathers day.....so I waited for the call!!!!! NOTHING. So I sent her a sarcastic text, saying thanks for getting the kids to call me, and I really appreciated the card, remind me to make sure I don't forget mothers day. Needless to say she didn't reply......not even a sorry I forgot. Oh well back to LC. Day by day, bit by bit.....I'm re-building me. Oh I forgot to mention I'm going to be filing.....my solicitor is a total rabid bitch,it's going to cost, but that's life.
daddylove Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 Great to hear you're feeling a little better. I find its like a rollercoaster and gets a little less dramatic over time. It's really scary to see the way they can act after all those years together ~ not even with common decency. But keep your head up and retain your diginity mate, you're better than that and I expect that when mothers day does arrive, you'll find the high road much more gratifying. Best wishes.
Author KTMRider33 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 I've just been thinking, if the opposite of love is apathy, I think she definatley no longer loves me......because all she shows is complete disregard for me, one day soon I hope to find the same apathy. Amazing that some women can shut down there feelings without telling their husband that's what is happening, I cannot read minds, but if she had just given me a glimmer of what was going on?
LisaUk Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 I've just been thinking, if the opposite of love is apathy, I think she definatley no longer loves me......because all she shows is complete disregard for me, one day soon I hope to find the same apathy. Amazing that some women can shut down there feelings without telling their husband that's what is happening, I cannot read minds, but if she had just given me a glimmer of what was going on? Your thread has made me smile serveral times, is SO like me and my ex. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie as well. I know what you mean about indifference, my ex acted indifferrent, makes you wonder how they can after 18 years together (did it mean nothing?), anyway, he acted indifferent but I got glimpses of doubts about his decision. One day he called about legal stuff, I got drawn in and upset I told him the way he left he destroyed my memories as he lied so much, I no longer know what was real and what wasn't. I could hear him getting upset, he called later and apoligised said he never meant to take my memories of the good times away, that he loved me till the end and still did and wasn't as certain in his decision now. Your ex has this OM, he's providing her emotional needs RIGHT NOW, but when things start to cool down, as they always do, she'll have regrets, trust me! She's acting indifferent because she has the OM, everythings graet for her now, but it won't always be. How long is it since she left?
Author KTMRider33 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 Your ex has this OM, he's providing her emotional needs RIGHT NOW, but when things start to cool down, as they always do, she'll have regrets, trust me! She's acting indifferent because she has the OM, everythings graet for her now, but it won't always be. How long is it since she left? She left four weeks ago yesterday. We have spoken only once on the phone in that time, otherwise,text and email. You're right OM has been supporting her all through this, and has to a degree made it easier for her. At one point she tried to say how hard it was for her and I had lots of support.......but she didn't needless to say, I was not impressed and told her that she had OM's shoulder to cry on. Like most I hope that one day she sees the trail of devastation left behind, maybe she will,maybe she won't. But as I have learned from all the top draw geezers on here, I must work to be in a place where I don't give a flying f**k whether her life is good bad or indifferent. These guys tell us, but it takes a while to sink in to the grey matter, that now it's all about us. So as I step forward I joined a spit and sawdust boxing and martial arts gym today, so I can have the snot punched out of me.......you know that the bag, and sparring partner are going to have OM's face, and I'm gonna hit it until I can hit no more.....therapy
LisaUk Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 You are doing so well for just 4 weeks in! I'm 3 months in and you sound a lot more positive than me. The boxing sounds like a good move, should def get rid of some of that anger! I left you a reply on my thread, I know I'm probably being totally paranoid, but I wouldn't put anything past my ex at this point, please do reply!
Author KTMRider33 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Need to vent a little....... I was having a good day, looking forward to gong out tonight, and Friday, having my kids for the weekend, and generally feeling a bit better about life. Then *PING* email lands in my in box from STBX about having the kids. Normal stuff about, dates etc.....then the question I had been waiting for.....will you be taking them on holiday? She wants to have them for a week, at the start or end of the holidays. Bearing in mind she and om are teachers so have six weeks off!!!!!! Now she hasn't said as much but, she'll be taking them away with him and his son, they aren't going to be sleeping in separate beds are they? Am I wrong to be fuming about this, up until a few weeks ago, all my kids had known was Mummy and Daddy together, showing affection and sleeping in the same bed. Now mummy has a new 'boyfriend', is this not going to be confusing for them? They are only 2&3......it's been bad enough them trying to understand why mummy doesn't come back to the old house. Or am I just being bitter about the fact that another man will be playing Daddy with my kids? A friend of ours did tell me, OM is a teacher he's so good with the kids!!!!! FFS I wanted to scream in her face, THEY ARE MY KIDS NOT HIS. I should be putting them to bed EVERY NIGHT, I should be waking them up EVERY MORNING, I only get to see them 50% of the time, because my self centered b***h of a stbx thought that it was reasonable not to work on our marriage, and hook up with some sleaze bag who thinks cracking on to married women with two small children is an OK path to take, F**K him, he has taken the things that where most dear to me away, I have never felt such hatred of any other human. How I managed not to hit him when I saw him I'll never know. I am moving forward as far as detaching from her is concerned, but the hardest part is knowing that I am now a part time father. My daughter couldn't sleep last night, so I stood on the bed and lifted her up, so she could see out of the roof window and we counted the stars, and she told me everything she could see. My heart melted and, tears welled up in my eyes, I love my kids so much, I always feared being a part time dad, I have nobody to discuss parenting with, she has OM to fill that gap it's going to be hard, but I will do it for them. Well rant over, just another day on the roller coaster I suppose.
LisaUk Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Hi, I don't have children so am of little use when it comes to advice on those matters. I really feel for you though, it must be terrible to go through this and to have children to consider and worry about as well. I think you sound like a fantastic father and you really care about your children. I hope someone who has parenting experinece comes along soon to give you some advice. All I can say is keep loving them the way you are.
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