ashleigh422 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I don’t know how to keep this story short.. but I will try. I met the man of my dreams online, on a dating website, about 6 months ago, we’ll call him “Kyle”. I was just out of a 4 year relationship (2 weeks out) and hadn’t evaluated myself, my life…etc.. Kyle and I talked on the phone for hours every night for three weeks, come to find out his two kids go to the same daycare as my two kids. I’ve seen him there before and was always attracted to him. We also go to the same gym.. he goes more than I do and I have never been there at the same time as him... We met casually one day at the daycare just to say hi. Attraction and chemistry were there.. even at the daycare.. Then we went on a date. .which went VERY WELL.. amazing.. He had told me from the beginning that he is still very close with this ex-wife.. I told him I was understanding and not the jealous type. He told me that he just couldn’t be with someone who would be jealous of their relationship because they will always be close. To the point, they still went out of town on the holidays together to her family’s house. I told him I wouldn’t mind. Then they went… and I did mind. I was very insecure and texted & called more than usual, ect. When he came back from holiday away, he told me that he couldn’t talk to me any longer because I was too jealous and it was something he could not deal with. [i am not a jealous person, but I was fresh out of a very rough emotionally abusive relationship. I have seen Kyle a few times, but feel very ashamed of how I acted, because it was not me at all, so I have not said one word to him. I cannot stop thinking about him, and I know it sounds weird for the amount of time we talked and the date that we went on.. but sometimes you just know. I just know he is the one for me and I refuse to let this be it. I need advise on what I can do… CREATIVE ADVICE….
Bejita463 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I think his behavior is fishy, and I am a male who usually continues to get along with his exes.
Chocolat Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Find someone else. He is attempting to condition you into accepting his behavior, which is inconsiderate and inappropriate at best or controlling and cheating at worst.
2sure Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I cannot stop thinking about him, and I know it sounds weird for the amount of time we talked and the date that we went on.. but sometimes you just know. I just know he is the one for me and I refuse to let this be it. You went on one date. Your behavior made him uncomfortable but more importantly his response is clear that he does not feel the same way. There is no "creative' way to convince him otherwise. If he felt as you do he would have been flattered by the attention. Instead, he was offended. Its possible he is "so close" with his ex because he would still like to pursue a relationship with her and feels there is a chance. Your calls may have interfered with that. Dont try to take this any further.
AlektraClementine Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I'm sort of in the same boat as Kyle. I too, am very close with my ex-H and we have children together. In the past, anyone who was threatened by this closeness didn't work out. Let me shed some light. My ex and I are committed to raising our children together as a unit with respect and a joined front despite our marriage not working. He's not attracted to me. I'm not attracted to him. We do spend holidays (with the kids) together, along with his new wife who I love and adore. She's perfect for him and for our children. Fast forward to my fiance. He's the first man that ever came into my life that has found is piece in the puzzle. Never threatened. Never jealous. And now he Holidays with us as well. The six of us just got back from Disney World together. Kyle may be in a similar situation. It all may boil down to their parenting style and a mutual, respectful friendship. I don't think it's a situation that just anybody can handle. In my case, I never tried to make anyone (see: boyfriends) change and adapt to my situation. I just hoped that someone would come along one day who fit right in.
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 You are not being too jealous; the majority of women would not be happy with a man being as close to his ex as this guy is, and that includes me. He wants a woman who will allow him to continue this close relationship with his ex, so clearly you're not the one for him (and neither are the majority of women, since few women would stand for their partner being so close to his ex). Maybe he will find what he's looking for in a partner, and maybe not (I imagine not). But he has no right to accuse you of being too jealous - you're perfectly normal, and he is the one who is too close to his ex and expects a partner to be too understanding. AlektraClementine, your situation seems different to Ashleigh422's - you and your ex-H spend holidays together with his new wife. Ashleigh422 is talking about this guy going on holiday with his ex alone. There's a big difference. Ashleigh422, I really think you're well rid of this guy - his relationship with his ex totally crosses the boundaries of what will be acceptable for pretty much any woman he ever meets.
torranceshipman Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 'I refuse to let this be it' is not a healthy thought - you're not respecting his wishes....sucky as this may be, you can't make a R work just cause YOU want it to - he's made his feelings clear, so you need to let it be. Sorry to hear you're so upset, though...
AlektraClementine Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Didn't realize these trips were spent alone. So they are vacationing together intentionally and it has nothing to do with their children?
Prolix Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It's a matter of preference/compatibility here. It's a lifestyle choice of his, and I'm not sure if you'd mesh well with it. If you're the type who will always worry about whether or not he would cheat on you or leave you for the ex, then it's not a good fit. If you're the type who can accept someone that continues to maintain a close relationship with an ex, then maybe it's workable. I am still good friends with one of my exes, although we do not go out on private trips together or anything. To me, I wouldn't really be comfortable with that, and I don't think you are either. If you somehow convinced yourself and convinced him that you'd be able to condone it, I think the worry in the back of your mind would eat away at you and cause future problems. PERSONAL OPINION: I wouldn't be okay with this. If I were with a girl and she took private trips ANYWHERE with ANY guy for holiday, I'd be a bit leery unless it was a lifelong friend or something where I could rest easy. But if I didn't know the nature of the relationship or if it were an ex, I would not agree to that.
loveslife Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 They went to the ex-wife's family's house for the holidays WITH the kids. It was a parenting thing not a private getaway.
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 They went to the ex-wife's family's house for the holidays WITH the kids. It was a parenting thing not a private getaway. Yes, but the OP was not invited, and I expect the ex didn't have a bf come along either. It was just those two and their kids, imo not acceptable if he is in a relationship.
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Hmm.. First of all, for the sake of the children, I think it's good if they at least have a civil relationship, however this guy is awfully self centered to possibly have the expectations he has of women he dates. "Yes, you're supposed to be okay and just fine with it that I like to go on vacations out of town with her, and we're BFF!" . I mean having a good relationship with an ex W or Ex H because children are involved is one thing, but what he expects of the women he dates? To me, this would be totally out of line. That said, it may be behavior he cuts down on once he's in a serious relationship out of respect for the other partner, the BFF behavior and the out of town vacations and such. If so, good because I don't see how anyone else with a brain would be interested otherwise. Of all the other good looking, single men, or men with children who don't have this BS going on, just settling for his pile of crap wouldn't be that appealing to many people in the long haul. He's kind of saying "Hi, I want what I want, because it best serves me, and you can fly away if you don't like it." No thankyou. As for you just knowing, honey you didn't just know anything. If he was "the one" or "it" he would still be in this relationship. There's no such thing as "oh I just know he/she is the one!" when he/she can't accept you for how you are.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Yes, but the OP was not invited, and I expect the ex didn't have a bf come along either. It was just those two and their kids, imo not acceptable if he is in a relationship. The OP has been on one date with the guy - why should she have been invited at that stage?
Thornton Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 The OP has been on one date with the guy - why should she have been invited at that stage? Oh, I see.. didn't notice that. However I very much doubt if the OP would be invited even if he had been dating her a while, because he explicitly told her that he likes to go out of town with his ex-W, and he couldn't stand a woman who would be jealous of that... so it sounds like he's never planning to invite a woman to go with them. I agree with Hoping2heal - no woman with half a brain would be interested in a guy who is BFF with his ex-W. Being civil for the sake of the kids is fine, but going on private family holidays together is not. He sounds really selfish and there are plenty of other nice guys who maintain healthy boundaries with their exes.
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