Author blind_otter Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 I don't have any advice to offer; even though I have a bunch of kids I've never had to step into a situation with a kid half-raised like you've done. I just wanted to offer a word of encouragement: I think you're a great parent and sincerely wanting to make this situation better. You've got my best wishes. Sigh... Thanks for that. Any kind of positive energy anyone can send our way would be fantastic. I appreciate the best wishes.
Sweetcheripie Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I think you are doing great! You have been put in a tough situation but you will get through it and I think your stepson is really lucky to have you.
Sweetcheripie Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Bullsh*t. I spend time with both kids. Unfortunately, SS has a meltdown a few times a day and runs to his room and shuts the door. Yesterday he ran down the street because I told him to get into the car so we could go to the park to play. I had to jog after him hold the baby on my hip and he was sullen and miserable, but when we got to the park he was happy again. This is the thing. It's just really exhausting, this transition. He is super sensitive, emotional, on edge. Upset because his mother doesn't call him voluntarily. Sometimes he voluntarily takes out the trash or clear the dishes, other days he is moody and angry and shuts the door. I am just giving him space right now, and this is also on the advice of the family therapist we are seeing. Let him have time to adjust to his new circumstances, give him opportunities to do fun things and positive outlets for his energy. It's tough, and I need advice on how to handle this - concrete real tips like the first few posters offered. Not people telling me that this is a crap situation and pointing the finger accusing me of being a bad step parent. That's why I posted the thread here. It is what it is, and I accept that and I live with it. I just need help and support to get through a tough time. This won't last forever. He is a good kid, there are TONS of people supporting him, and with the appropriate interventions this CAN have a positive result. TO think otherwise would just be shooting myself in the foot. Poor guy - he really is lucky to have you! When he does voluntarily take out the trash etc - praise him profusely and just let him know how great and helpful that is!
nittygritty Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 How would you want your SO and his girlfriend to parent your 11 year old son during the summer, if you weren't around? Whether you realize it or not, this is how you and your SO handle the responsibility of raising an 11 year old boy. You should treat your stepson in the same way that you would want your son to be treated by a foster parent. Two kids are growing up in the same household and receiving unequal demonstrations of love. The amount of time, energy and care being spent on making sure the toddler's mental stimulation, physical activities, diet, sleep schedule, etc., is perfect are not only clear demonstrations of love and positive attention but it also elevates the toddler to a higher status in the family than the 11 year old. One child is being viewed and treated as the "good kid" whose loved and wanted and the other is being viewed and treated as the "bad kid" whose an inconvenient burden. These are very bad family dynamics that could lead to serious future problems for both boys. Your SO and you need to do what's necessary to get the 11 year old involved in organized activities. Find out what churches have good youth group programs and summer camps. Or contact the local YMCA or Community center and find out what programs are available. Sign him up to play his favorite sports. Take him to the library once a week to check out books. His sleep patterns will change when he starts getting up in the morning to go do regularly scheduled fun activities that keep him busy during the day.
sb129 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I think you're a great parent and sincerely wanting to make this situation better. You've got my best wishes. I second this. I also think its a little harsh to judge B_O for spending more time with the baby who is her natural son- babies naturally require more hands-on time, and I think she is doing an admirable job of considering the SSs needs as well as those of her sons, when many wouldn't bother. B-O has bonded with her own child- and hasn't (yet) with her SS, and as she said, these things take time. If anything its her SO who should be devoting equal or more time to both children, and trying to work out strategies with B-O to overcome these problems. But its B-O who is at home more often, so the responsibility lies with her, which is difficult and frustrating and I think she is doing a fantastic job at being so pro-active and exploring all sorts of different options to engage her SS. I also think that the SSs mom has made it quite clear that she doesn't care so much as to how the SS is parented by the way she has washed her hands of him- and this is having a huge emotional impact on the boy and its not really entirely up to B-O to make reparations for this- his dad should be doing more in this regard. I for one will most definitely be asking Blind Otter for parenting advice when my little one comes along in a couple of months.
Eve Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I second this. I also think its a little harsh to judge B_O for spending more time with the baby who is her natural son- babies naturally require more hands-on time, and I think she is doing an admirable job of considering the SSs needs as well as those of her sons, when many wouldn't bother. B-O has bonded with her own child- and hasn't (yet) with her SS, and as she said, these things take time. Even though BO doesnt value TV as much as me, I think she is doing the very best she can and I see where she is coming from clearly. The fact that she is so attentive and honest is very telling. It is better to ask than pretend. Being a step mother is seriously hard work and it would be worse if BO was to simply pretend everything is ok when it is not. Its important to share stuff. I look forward to her posts. Take care, Eve xx
sb129 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Same here Eve- and I agree, it is far better to ask than pretend. Come October, have a little count up on how many "what do i do when the baby does X,Y Z threads" I start. (if I get a chance to get to the computer that is!) The fact that she is asking for suggestions and advice absolutely shows her dedication to making this situation work for the better, thats why I think she deserves support and empathy rather than criticism at this point.
Author blind_otter Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 The thing is that 11 year olds naturally require much less supervision than an infant - it is important to have structured activities, but just as important (IMO) to have unstructured free play time that allows children the space to explore their own creativity and let's face it - learn how to amuse themselves. It's a skill that adults need. Otherwise I would be standing over him like a Nazi telling him when to draw, when to read, when to play with his action figures. My challenge is currently finding more structured acitivities for him, but we certainly spend time together. We all sit down and eat almost every meal at the table with me and his baby brother, and his Dad at dinner. I mean, I'm a pretty friendly person IRL, so you can't really live in a house with me and not talk a lot during the day. I get random thoughts that I feel the urge to share with those around me. Even when it was just me and the baby here all day, we have conversations too. He just babbles back at me and I actually talk about philosophy and history and current events. Today turned out better, because I think I've been ruminating so much on how to approach things without trying to look like I am stepping into his mother's shoes - that's the last thing I want to do. He has a mother that he loves, and that's good. He needs that. I am just here to help things along. We've decided to do certain things about his room set up - the shades are quite dark, so we'll put some more sheer window dressings up so that the sunlight can come through - that will naturally encourage him to wake earlier. We're also getting him an alarm clock. He helped look after his younger brother while I put groceries away - and then I thought they were being too quiet and SS had wandered off and left the baby alone in the living room, and the baby had proceeded to eat about 4 small squares of very good organic dark chocolate. I scooped out as much as I could from his mouth but it was just residue. I called the pediatrician, he's fine, everything is OK. It was good in a way - since nothing bad happened but SS realized how quickly his baby brother can get into things now. SS helped me with laundry, and he and his Dad hung out with the baby and jammed while I made dinner. After dinner SS and I took his baby brother for a long walk and had a great talk. He has a lot of crazy stories and a shockingly good memory. Since we walked about 2 miles in the evening heat, I had to put the baby to bed but he and his Dad went swimming. I've been trying to consciously modify my body language and tone of voice when I'm with him. It's a careful balancing act to project enough care and empathy to help him feel comfortable without trying to make it seem like I'm trying to be another mother. Thanks for the support in this. It's tough to balance things.
sb129 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 B-O, Keep it up- sounds like you are doing great and moving forward. One day at a time- its the best you can hope for.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 I've been trying to consciously modify my body language and tone of voice when I'm with him. It's a careful balancing act to project enough care and empathy to help him feel comfortable without trying to make it seem like I'm trying to be another mother. Thanks for the support in this. It's tough to balance things. You sound alot less frustrated, but I'm sure your days are up and down. I'm just curious as to why you're trying not to seem like another mother? You ARE another mother to him. His mother is miles away, and from the sounds of it she is no mother of the year. So why not step into a motherly role now that the groundwork is there? Don't you think that's what he needs somewhat? I'm not saying to rush things, but if he's going to be living with his Step"mother" then ....well... that's you.
alphamale Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 Even when it was just me and the baby here all day, we have conversations too. He just babbles back at me and I actually talk about philosophy and history and current events. ok b_0...maybe its YOU that needs to get out more often - and then I thought they were being too quiet and SS had wandered off and left the baby alone in the living room, and the baby had proceeded to eat about 4 small squares of very good organic dark chocolate. I scooped out as much as I could from his mouth but it was just residue. I called the pediatrician, he's fine, everything is OK. . wait a minute, let me get this straight. you called THE DOCTOR because your baby ate a couple pieces of expensive dark chocolate?!? That is totally rediculous - a waste of your time and the physicians time. I bet they were all laughing at the doctors office...
Eve Posted June 20, 2009 Posted June 20, 2009 ok b_0...maybe its YOU that needs to get out more often wait a minute, let me get this straight. you called THE DOCTOR because your baby ate a couple pieces of expensive dark chocolate?!? That is totally rediculous - a waste of your time and the physicians time. I bet they were all laughing at the doctors office... Alpha! New Moms are sensitive. A quick call was perfectly ok. I hope you have triplets.. no, quads one day. That will teach you. B-O, I caught my youngest daughter finishing off a worm one day. I left her alone in the garden for not even 2 minutes. Take care, Eve xx
Author blind_otter Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 wait a minute, let me get this straight. you called THE DOCTOR because your baby ate a couple pieces of expensive dark chocolate?!? That is totally rediculous - a waste of your time and the physicians time. I bet they were all laughing at the doctors office... Chocolate is an allergen and babies are not supposed to eat chocolate until they are over a year old. No peanuts, cow's milk (though yogurt and cheese are OK), chocolate. I just wanted to ask what to look for in terms of allergic reactions, since it was Friday and I would have to take him to the ER if he got sick. My pediatrician is great, we have a good working relationship. He says I am one of the more informed parents, ha ha. Also it's "ridiculous". I just had to say that to be bitchy to you because you have no idea what you're talking about since you've never been around nor raised any infants. You can't just stuff food in their mouth and think they'll be OK. Jeez.
Author blind_otter Posted June 20, 2009 Author Posted June 20, 2009 So why not step into a motherly role now that the groundwork is there? Don't you think that's what he needs somewhat? I'm not saying to rush things, but if he's going to be living with his Step"mother" then ....well... that's you. This is not only something I have felt out from being around SS, but also from the advice of our family therapist. Right now SS is actively grieving over the physical loss of his bio mom - it's normal for him to have appetite and sleep disturbances, beyond those that you can normally expect for children of that age (appetite and sleep disturbances are also normal when any child is achieving another developmental milestone, even beyond infancy). It's going to be a process, but I feel it is my place to honor his bio mom in whatever way I can - even though we have vastly different parenting philosophies. I just know from personal experience that children have an intense and impressive ability to love without conditions - meaning that they love their parents even if those parents abuse or neglect them. I will honor his love for his bio mom. It's what I would want if my son were being raised by another woman. If it were me I would resent any female who overtly tried to take the mother role in my life. I have this other role, I guess. Sometimes I refer to SS as my "bonus son" lately, because I feel like say "step" inside my head has a negative connotation. Maybe he will one day look to me as a "bonus mom".
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