blind_otter Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 It's summer time, so I am not expecting SS to get up at 7am (like I do every morning) - but here's the deal. S/O gets up around 6am every day and is at work by 7/7:30am. He is a carpenter/contractor so he works outside and his job is physically demanding. Also, we live in FL so it gets upwards to 100 degrees outside during the summer. He gets home around 4/5pm, and he's dog tired. He manages to help with the baby and SS until around 9pm and he crashes out on the couch. I get up around 7am, and I'm taking care of an older infant/toddler all day. I'm basically running around like a crazy person to get my toddler's energy out so he sleeps well at night - he is high energy and VERY extroverted (I am low energy and VERY introverted, so it is exhausting to me to get him the social stimulation he needs every day). The baby goes down around 8pm. So S/O and I are pretty much out for the count by 10pm or so. The problem is that SS is basically unsupervised after we pass out. We do ask that he go to his bedroom and keep the lights low, but I think he just waits for us to fall asleep and turns everything back on - because I wake up at 3am sometimes and the lights are on. He goes to sleep very late and it is a long process to wake him up the next day. Usually involving me knocking on his door every 10 minutes for an hour. The only rule I have is that he has to wake up by noon. The thing is that the baby sometimes interrupts this process and if I don't knock every 10 minutes for an hour, he stays asleep. If the baby interrupts the process he will sleep until 2, 3pm! When he lived with his mother she encouraged him to sleep all day because she used this as a babysitter - she wanted him to sleep all day while she was at work, so she didn't have to pay for daycare for him....so he's not used to having a bedtime except during the school year.... How can I get SS to get to sleep by midnight if I am not awake to enforce the rule?
jasminetea Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 How old is SS (I assume that means step-son?)? I'm sorry I don't know your back story. That's going to figure a lot in how you handle it. But 10pm is plenty late enough for any child to be in bed, don't you think? I think it has to start from the other end though - getting him up early so he goes to sleep earlier. You can't police his sleeping just yet because you and the other adult are both in bed earlier. Getting him up - have you tried going into his room, opening his curtains, stripping off his bed clothes, putting a very annoying alarm just outside his room? Or maybe a reward when he's up at a good time? Failing all that - a bucket of cold water that he has to clear up?
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 This is a tough one. Though I like your idea about getting him involved in camp, or some kind of sporting activity that gets him up and out of the house in the morning.
hotgurl Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 well first of all. Waking him up earlier will help him go to sleep earlier. Also make sure he is outside and active. If he is just watching TV playing video games he will not get tired. I think getting him involved in some kind of camp would be great. My daughter always slept better during the summer because she was so busy at camp during the day. Esp when she did horse camp. She is 14 and during the school day she is in bed at 10pm. During the weekend it is 11pm. I would also recommend taking all electronics out of his room. Establish a sleeping routine. bath book bed. Put him to bed 1/2 earlier let him read and than lights off.
Author blind_otter Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 11 year old SS (step son) has a TV in his room (he brought it from his mom's house when he moved here, it's is huge. Bigger than the one in our living room.) He plays a lot of videogames. I ask him to play outside every day, pretty much all day. We have a lot of stuff to do outside at our house - 2 dogs that live outside, an inground swimming pool, a basketball hoop on the driveway, a park that is 10 minutes walk away, a library right across the street from our neighborhood, a jiffy store that is 10 minutes walk away (He will walk there if he has extra money for junk food because I don't keep that stuff in the house). We also live in a very safe area of town. He has soccer balls, footballs, basketballs, frisbees. I mean we have stacks of this stuff. He just has no interest in going outside - he waits until his Dad gets home from work and want his Dad to play catch or go swimming. But his Dad is so tired from working outside all day that he usually can manage a quick swim in the pool and that's it. It's hard for me to get outside to play with SS because I had my 11 month old to look after, and he's a handful to say the least. I encourage him to go play with the 8 year old across the street, but yesterday SS confided that he wanted to play with the boy, but was too shy to go ask him to play. I asked if he wanted me to go ask for him, or to stand outside while he went to ask to offer moral support, but he declined and hid in his room again. His mother was using the TV as a babysitter - SS is used to watching TV until he falls asleep - this was the sleep routine that has been established, and it sucks because he just stays awake watching videos and stuff. It will take a lot of effort to wean him off of this habit. Blah. Most parents get to grow into their child's various developmental stages.
Eve Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Personally I would remove the TV.. but I am pretty hardcore. Bedrooms are for sleeping! Our kids werent allowed TVs in their rooms until they turned 14 years old and only then the TV could only stay if their homework was to a good standard. I read somewhere that apparently only 20% of kids pass their exams who have a TV in their room. We even have a timer on the modem so the kids cant go on their laptops after 11pm. Rest is important. I go with the camp idea and removing the TV/putting a timer on the device. Of course, make sure that he knows that he is not being punished but really he should not be up until all hours and then in bed all day. No wonder he is overweight. If he is shy he may hate you for sending him to camp but he may meet new friends and have a good time. Take care, Eve xx
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 The problem is that SS is basically unsupervised after we pass out. thats what he wants so he can do whatever. maybe you should let him sleep until 3pm every day so that you only have to deal with him for seven hours (3pm-10pm). as long as he's not doing anything bad during the wee hours then its ok. and as long as he keeps a regular schedule during school then that is ok. you should also think about taking him to a doctor to get a full medical checkup.
GorillaTheater Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Personally I would remove the TV.. but I am pretty hardcore. Bedrooms are for sleeping! Our kids werent allowed TVs in their rooms until they turned 14 years old and only then the TV could only stay if their homework was to a good standard. I read somewhere that apparently only 20% of kids pass their exams who have a TV in their room. We even have a timer on the modem so the kids cant go on their laptops after 11pm. Rest is important. I go with the camp idea and removing the TV/putting a timer on the device. Of course, make sure that he knows that he is not being punished but really he should not be up until all hours and then in bed all day. No wonder he is overweight. If he is shy he may hate you for sending him to camp but he may meet new friends and have a good time. Take care, Eve xx I'm even more hardcore than Eve. No TVs in any bedroom (including ours) and videogame time limited to a half-hour to an hour per day. And they regularly get kicked outside whether they want to be or not.
Eve Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I'm even more hardcore than Eve. No TVs in any bedroom (including ours) and videogame time limited to a half-hour to an hour per day. And they regularly get kicked outside whether they want to be or not. You certainly are! Still, kids moan a bit then once engaged with something they are perfectly fine! As soft hearted as I am towards my children and stepchildren, they know that I am not their friend and I mean what I say and follow it through. Take care, Eve xx
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 with all these headaches why do people even bother to have kids? i mean, what's the point? let others do the procreating i say!
GorillaTheater Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 with all these headaches why do people even bother to have kids? Child tax credits and cheap labor. i mean, what's the point? let others do the procreating i say I've done enough procreating for you and a half-dozen other people here. Just doing my part.
Author blind_otter Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I'm even more hardcore than Eve. No TVs in any bedroom (including ours) and videogame time limited to a half-hour to an hour per day. And they regularly get kicked outside whether they want to be or not. I've always been strictly against TV in the bedroom. When I was childless it was because you get less sex when you have a TV in the bedroom. I also don't have cable or satellite - PBS is where it's at. And netflix. My son will not have access to any kind of videogame system at our house. I'm really into the whole idea of not having too many toys and only having "unstructured toys" - things that don't require batteries or electricity. That way my son will associate the positive feelings associate with play with his own creativity rather than with the material toys that he has access to. It's just sucky that I have to engage in these wretched power struggles and we have to go through these epic tantrums just to get him to go across the street and ask the neighbor boy to throw the football. At least I can vent here.
alphamale Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I also don't have cable or satellite - maybe thats why step son is acting up so much. i suggest you call your local cable company tomorrow. Although I myself love PBS i would never force Sesame Street or Frontline or even Nova upon an 11 year old
Eve Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Forget the kids.. I couldnt live without Sky. Our kids would consider it child abuse to not have access to good quality TV.. Blind Otter, you have good intentions but think again about the TV issue. TV is important. Viewing just needs to be managed well. Take care, Eve xx
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Your SS is an 11 year old child, and he needs your attention during the day too. I think you need to find a way to conform to your role as the mother of TWO children, and not just be a mother to your bio-toddler when your SS is in your home. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but the child needs something to get out of bed for other than TV and videogames. Is there some responsibility you can share with him to give you a bit of a break? Can he entertain his half-sibling for an hour a day? Do you trust him to do this? If not, does he sense that he is not trusted? Maybe he feels he is not a part of your new little family, and is bored and depressed and just wants to stay in bed. Can he help around the house, making lunch or starting dinner? Doing some yard work? Does he have friends from school he can spend time with? Can you or his father get in contact with some other classmates parents and see if they can have play dates (yes even 11 year olds can have play dates). I think alot more work needs to be put into this family and your relationship with SS than just an attitude adjustment for the SS.
Sweetcheripie Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Really look into some local sports programs PDQ!!! You have said he is a stocky kid - get him into junior football. It is safe. They wear lots of equipment for protection and the coaches work those kids!!! The junior programs should be starting early August maybe even late July - perfect timing!!!! You will love it. Take the baby with you to the practices! Moms will want to hold your little one, you will talk about childcare, water for the kids, good nutrition, the price of tea in china...whatever you will make some friends, your SS will make some buddies. If he is stocky and somewhat coordinated he will be a stud. Seriously, junior football in Florida is a good deal. It won't make him stupid - in fact buy him Madden as a video game etc and if he actually learns the strategy of the game coaches will love him. Have fun.......your little one will love watching it - he will love running up and down the bleachers - you will like the break and your SS will love the comraderie. Your SS is such a prime candidate for this!! Usually the local High School will have a junior team. There are about 10 games but the practices are usually 4 -5 times a week for 2-3 hours. I don't think you can take the TV away right now. You are in a tough position cause you are trying to break old rules. My kids always were in bed by 9 pm and they still on normal nothing going on nights will go to bed natually now pretty early (they are 16 and 18). But just enjoy the quiet mornings. But I SWEAR to you if you get him involved in sports - football is your best bet at this time of year but soccer is good too- next year baseball (sign ups usually around jan - feb) it will help. Mostly good role models in coaches, a lot of parents that really care about kids. OR if you or he are against getting on a team get him into one of the Park programs/camps. They are geared towards all sorts of interests. It will cost you a little bit of money but it will get him some friends, some discipline and you a little break. http://davie.net/ayflmain/ I think is a place where you can see the youth football leagues by county in Florida.
alphamale Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but the child needs something to get out of bed for other than TV and videogames. Is there some responsibility you can share with him to give you a bit of a break? Can he entertain his half-sibling for an hour a day? Do you trust him to do this? If not, does he sense that he is not trusted? Maybe he feels he is not a part of your new little family, and is bored and depressed and just wants to stay in bed. Can he help around the house, making lunch or starting dinner? Doing some yard work? Does he have friends from school he can spend time with? Can you or his father get in contact with some other classmates parents and see if they can have play dates (yes even 11 year olds can have play dates).. this isn't 1958 Leave It To Beaver era MWC_LBA40.
sb129 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Personally I would remove the TV.. but I am pretty hardcore. Bedrooms are for sleeping! I'm even more hardcore than Eve. No TVs in any bedroom (including ours). I am with you guys- I absolutely detest TVs in bedrooms. I have banned anything with a screen (laptops, PSPs and TVs from our bedroom) Having said this, we recently got Sky+ and I am with you Eve- its just brilliant. Forget the kids.. I couldnt live without Sky. B-O- the summer camp idea (can you do day camp type stuff?) is brilliant- he needs to get out more and socialise, and get active- it ticks all the boxes.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 this isn't 1958 Leave It To Beaver era MWC_LBA40. ?????? I'm not the one trying to take his TV out of his bedroom. I'm the worst one for using TV and computers for winding down in the evening with the kids. But during the day, the kid needs fresh air and a little more attention. It just sounds like Otter is giving ALL her attention to the baby. I did read otter's other post after I posted that, and realized there have been alot of negative influences in this youngster's life. He needs to feel accepted by her before he can respect her. He has probably had so many people disapproving of him, he is so used to it, why change? I think family counselling would be a great idea. I didn't realize your SO has a drinking problem. There are alot more issues here that could be dealt with or at least get your family started on the healing path with a few counselling sessions.
alphamale Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 . It just sounds like Otter is giving ALL her attention to the baby.. i do agree with that statement and it all seems so sad
Author blind_otter Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 Can he entertain his half-sibling for an hour a day? Do you trust him to do this? Yes, he watches his younger brother at least once a day, and requests time to play with him one on one. I trust him with his younger brother, but not to watch him alone - he is only 11 after all and does not understand that infants are not toys. He gets personally offended when the baby wants to get away and crawl around on the floor when he wants to hold his younger brother. Can he help around the house, making lunch or starting dinner? Doing some yard work? He does yard work with his father on the weekends - it takes twice as long is the chore is twice as odious because he bitches the entire time, but he does do yard work. Does he have friends from school he can spend time with? Yes, but his best friend and older half brother are both rather bad influences - their parents let them stay up all night and play videogames all day, so when he spends the night there or goes over to play he comes back with this horrendous attitude. I'm working on trying to get him some better playmates, but he only moved here a month ago. These things take time. I think alot more work needs to be put into this family and your relationship with SS than just an attitude adjustment for the SS. We are seeing a family therapist. There are attitude adjustments going on all around, and I've posted about this several times before. Please don't cavalierly accuse me of lax step parenting because you happen to see one post. I am a bit touchy about this because I am literally BUSTING MY ASS to make this situation work.
Author blind_otter Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 i do agree with that statement and it all seems so sad Bullsh*t. I spend time with both kids. Unfortunately, SS has a meltdown a few times a day and runs to his room and shuts the door. Yesterday he ran down the street because I told him to get into the car so we could go to the park to play. I had to jog after him hold the baby on my hip and he was sullen and miserable, but when we got to the park he was happy again. This is the thing. It's just really exhausting, this transition. He is super sensitive, emotional, on edge. Upset because his mother doesn't call him voluntarily. Sometimes he voluntarily takes out the trash or clear the dishes, other days he is moody and angry and shuts the door. I am just giving him space right now, and this is also on the advice of the family therapist we are seeing. Let him have time to adjust to his new circumstances, give him opportunities to do fun things and positive outlets for his energy. It's tough, and I need advice on how to handle this - concrete real tips like the first few posters offered. Not people telling me that this is a crap situation and pointing the finger accusing me of being a bad step parent. That's why I posted the thread here. It is what it is, and I accept that and I live with it. I just need help and support to get through a tough time. This won't last forever. He is a good kid, there are TONS of people supporting him, and with the appropriate interventions this CAN have a positive result. TO think otherwise would just be shooting myself in the foot.
Author blind_otter Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 THANK YOU! This is exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. I don't have experience with this kind of thing as it's just been dropped into my lap. Excellent. I will look into this stuff today!!! THANK YOU!!! Really look into some local sports programs PDQ!!! You have said he is a stocky kid - get him into junior football. It is safe. They wear lots of equipment for protection and the coaches work those kids!!! The junior programs should be starting early August maybe even late July - perfect timing!!!! You will love it. Take the baby with you to the practices! Moms will want to hold your little one, you will talk about childcare, water for the kids, good nutrition, the price of tea in china...whatever you will make some friends, your SS will make some buddies. If he is stocky and somewhat coordinated he will be a stud. Seriously, junior football in Florida is a good deal. It won't make him stupid - in fact buy him Madden as a video game etc and if he actually learns the strategy of the game coaches will love him. Have fun.......your little one will love watching it - he will love running up and down the bleachers - you will like the break and your SS will love the comraderie. Your SS is such a prime candidate for this!! Usually the local High School will have a junior team. There are about 10 games but the practices are usually 4 -5 times a week for 2-3 hours. I don't think you can take the TV away right now. You are in a tough position cause you are trying to break old rules. My kids always were in bed by 9 pm and they still on normal nothing going on nights will go to bed natually now pretty early (they are 16 and 18). But just enjoy the quiet mornings. But I SWEAR to you if you get him involved in sports - football is your best bet at this time of year but soccer is good too- next year baseball (sign ups usually around jan - feb) it will help. Mostly good role models in coaches, a lot of parents that really care about kids. OR if you or he are against getting on a team get him into one of the Park programs/camps. They are geared towards all sorts of interests. It will cost you a little bit of money but it will get him some friends, some discipline and you a little break. http://davie.net/ayflmain/ I think is a place where you can see the youth football leagues by county in Florida.
GorillaTheater Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I don't have any advice to offer; even though I have a bunch of kids I've never had to step into a situation with a kid half-raised like you've done. I just wanted to offer a word of encouragement: I think you're a great parent and sincerely wanting to make this situation better. You've got my best wishes.
Author blind_otter Posted June 19, 2009 Author Posted June 19, 2009 As for TV, you guys. Seriously. TV is not a big deal - the last time I had cable was 4 years ago. It's not a big deal to not have TV, especially because there are a lot more channels available over the air not with DTV, and with netflix and hulu.com - there's no need to pay people for TV. And we have a pool, a basketball hoop, several parks, the library is across the street from my neighborhood. If I had cable, he would NEVER want to leave the house! IMO there are way too many people addicted to TV in this world.
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