His ex, MY problem

[Madallia]

So I have the perfect relationship with a realy great guy. In fact we're very happy together and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He's 31, I'm 30, we have a 4 month old together and I have two children from a previous marriage (which he absolutly LOVES my kids like his own!)

 

So what's the problem you ask? his ex wife.

 

He was still talking to her when we met. They spoke in text messages for about 4 months after we met. He said she was bothering him, and I knew it bothered me so I repeatedly asked him to stop talking to her. Well he told me he did, but he lied about it. I saw on our phone records that he was answering her texts and telling me he hadn't heard from her.

 

Now, I believe he is faithful and would never cheat, I think he just doesn't like being mean...here's why...

 

I logged into his myspace one day to do something for him, and saw a message from her. It was basically a "Here's a song about breakups that best explains how I feel" message. I was furious so I messaged her, told her not to contact him any more. She got mad, emailed him and started bitching about me... Well guess who's side he took? you guessed it, no one's. His response was "You two are nuts".

 

Few months later, after we had both changed out numbers, she sends me an email while I was pregnant. It told me they were still talking, that having a baby wouldn't keep him from talking to her, that he tried to sleep with her right before we met and that he asked her about her boobs "how are the twins" while we were together. I confronted him about this, and he denied everything. She sent me a photo of her in his old apartment from right before we met.

 

So I created a "fake" myspace profile and added her as a friend, to see what the truth was. I pretended to be him. She emailed him at work, using words like "I responded casually just in case it wasn't you" and she went on telling him I created the profile, I'm mental, insecure, and basically blasted me. He responded to her telling her he's sorry I did that. Then she continued to blast me, but he did not not stick up for me. She denied ever sending me an email and he said "I know you wouldn't send her anything out of the blue, I believe you".

 

I saw these emails and I was hurt. I left the house, telling him he needs to tell her not to contact him any more before I come home. So he did, because I forced him to. She sent him a nasty email after that, telling him off and blasting me again.

 

Fastforward 3 months. We have our son. Eight days after our son was born, she emailed him at work asking for a copy of their divorce decree. (she could have easily gotten this from her court's office, a lot faster too) He immediatly tells her "No problem!" and jumps to help her out and doesn't tell me about it.

 

Three weeks after that she sends him a love letter at work telling him he knows in his heart how much she loves him, she's sad I won't let him speak to her, he's her best friend..ect. He didn't respond. Oh but I did! I basically told her that what she did was disrespectfull to both of us, and if she loved him like she said she did that she'd honor his request to leave him alone. I was nice about it. She replied imediatly, but I did not read her reply, I deleted it. Then she switched her myspace profile to "fabulous"

 

Through the year, we have moved twice, he has moved three times. Up until recently, I have been finding stuff like socks and underwear (not mine) in his drawers, papers in folders of hers, their marriage licence right in plain view in his dresser drawer, her birth certificate... and just a week ago I found a CD from their wedding from his truck (yes I HAD to listen to their crappy songs), and a bunch of her old stuff, including her old checkbook right in my nightstand! I handed him a bag, told him I wanted her stuff out of my house and if I find one more thing i'm leaving. He laughed about it.

 

Now he is a good man, really. He's a hard worker, he listens, he loves me with all his heart and I know he doese. He keeps her nephew and step brother on his friends list on myspace cause he liked them...but he doesn't keep up with them, hasn't spoken to them in 2 years and really has nothing in common with them except for her.

 

I know she's going to email him again I'm just waiting for it to happen.

I keep good tabs on our phone records and I know he doesn't speak to her by phone. She lives abbout 3 hours from us so it would be difficult for him to cheat. Besides, he comes home to me and the kids every night and we have a great family together, no fighting ever, always happy, always there for each other. Our wedding is coming up, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I just wish he'd let go of her (or vise versa)... And I am still very angry inside and hurting pretty badly about these things. Him not sticking up to her for me, him letting her know he believes HER and not me, him helping her out right after our baby was born.

 

Your oppinions are welcome, and thanks so much for reading this. It feels good to type it all out.

 

On another note... I've made good friends with all his friends, and theres this one girl I have become good friends with. I asked her to be my made of honor and she accepted. About two weeks later he told me he slept with her a long time ago. He said he needed to tell me everything and couldn't keep secrets from me. I felt akward. She's still my friend, but not in our wedding party now.

 

I have caught him in bold faced lies a lot of times, (about talking to her or things she claimes) and I believe he was doing it to save my feelings. One of them was about her engagement ring. He was holding onto it, still had it when we met (they were divorced 2 years but still on and off). I told him it made me uncomfortable that he'd hold onto it, so he said he threw it away. A few weeks ago I found out he went back digging for it, and traded it in to get my ring (he had mine custom made and he wanted the best for me so he traded it in to afford it, is what he told me.)

 

So I've come to expect to continue to find her stuff in my drawers, closets, I've come to expect her to continue to contact him. I keep questioning myself if I have any right to be hurt, to be angry... and I haven't the slightest clue what to do about it.

[TaraMaiden]

The gist of this is that your relationship is being built on rocky ground.

 

You have Trust and Communication issues, and he has little Respect for you, because he does not take your issues seriously.

You have self-esteem problems, because you are fearful of her influence and continued contact.

Had you ignored her efforts from day one, she would not be bugging you as much, and I believe half her interference is designed to make you uncomfortable.

Why?

Because she can, so she continues.

I strongly urge you to get some pre-marriage counselling, and set down some rules.

he's a friend to all, it seems. and a pleasant easy-going guy.

But he's blurred the boundaries, and cannot evaluate what is and is not acceptable.

It's good that he wants to be upfront open and honest with you.

Why though, did you feel it necessary to cut this Maidf of Honour out of your wedding party?

Did he sleep with her while he was going out with you, or before?

If it was whilst he was with you, this is a major red flag...

If it was before - so what?

It was a long time ago.

You can't use the past in to justify your present.....

 

I am on very good and cordial terms with my partner's ex-wife. She calls him at least twice a week, and they have a son together, so that's the main reason.

But I know she still has feelings for him and regrets their separation.

Does this worry me?

Not at all. He's with me, needs to speak to her, and I know how he feels about her, and how he feels about me.

 

You really both need to have equal commitment and make equal effort to make this work.

I don't see that at present.

All I see is red flags and hear alarm bells.....

[Thornton]

As you have a baby, you clearly have to work on this relationship. The previous poster is right, this guy isn't setting any firm boundaries, and he also isn't fully respecting your request to not contact his ex.

 

He should not be in contact with this woman at all, there's no reason for it given that they have no kids together. Total No Contact with her would be my condition for entering into the marriage: Contact with her=No wedding. You need to put your foot down and tell him that unless he completely stops contacting his ex the relationship is over. It seems you did this already, but he only stuck to it for a while - when he contacted her again you should have walked back out immediately because he broke his promise, he needs to know you mean business.

 

He needs to clear out the house of all her stuff, and tbh I would have left and refused to come back until this was done. If she still calls him, he needs to change his number. Any emails from her are to be deleted and not replied to. You need to make it clear that if you find out he has had ANY contact with her you WILL walk out and you will take his kids with you - the threat of losing his kids should provide enough leverage to force him to stay away from this woman.

[2sure]

Because after their divorce they remained "on & off" this is how their relationship works. And thats just what it continues to be - a relationship. Neither one of them seem to see the need to discontinue it just because he has a wife and family now. In fact, rather than discontinue it he has decided to simply to hide it and lie to you about it. He is being honest with her and lying to you. Defending her and telling you you are crazy.

 

By justifying his actions and comforting yourself with the fact that she is 3 hours away...you are boarding the crazy train. You are not wrong to want ALL contact stopped - given the on/off nature of their relationship after divorce AND his recent behavior and lies. Anyone would expect this.

His behavior is threatening to your relationship and your family. It is unacceptable. In trying to push this under the rug you are going to find yourself living a paranoid and anxious life - jealous and threatened by every woman.