pleasebelieveme Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Just wondering. I mean, it seems they rarely break up with us and then try to be cool about things by being normal friends (something we probably shouldn't anyhow). They're either scheming to keep us in their lives somehow (for sex, emotional support, etc.) or they're completely blocking us from their lives (effectively turning the No Contact Table around on us). Anyone want to posit some theories as to why this may be? -pbm
Cora Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I have no clue why this may be honestly. I have always wondered the same thing though. Once my ex broke NC after disappearing from my life in the most cruel way he came back wanting to be my friend. Then once he met his new girlfriend he told me all about her and how wonderful she is blah blah blah as if I wanted to hear all of that. He said I just wanted to let you know I'm going to be dating someone now...just want to be honest with you. Why the hell should I care? He is the one who dumped me to begin with and then comes back wanting to be friends. He then goes on and says now this doesn't mean you are gonna stop talking to me does it? I said no we can still talk like normal and continue being friends if that's what you want. HAHA that was a joke because he was the one who stopped talking to me. He was too caught up with his new girlfriend to even remember he had a friend.....me. So yeah I realize I wasn't really his friend and he could care less about me. It was all about HIM and his ego boost he got from me. He only used me when he had no one else in his life and once he found someone else to believe all of his lies....well then he no longer needed me. I'm sure he will be back once he is single and lonely again....needing that ego boost once more. Only this time I wont fall for it again. Sometimes they can be so cruel! I don't plan on breaking NC ever again! It's a complete waste of time really!
NopeNah Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I wouldn't say my ex was "mean"..Sure she was cheating, sure she got caught, did the breakup sex thing and ended it. Sure she was sleeping with me a month later while blowing off her new guy and lying to him and me...sure she still contacts me, even though i asked her not to..Sure she begs me back after being a lying cheat..But, thats not mean is it?
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 1. Rationalization 2. It was always their personality but whatever the relationship gave them (sex/emotional support/popularity/attention, etc) moderated their behaviors. Enjoy your choice
hoping2heal Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Well, firstly I don't think a dumper going NC is mean, I think quite frankly it is the best thing a dumper could do for both parties involved. The only exception would be when you both care about eachother as friends, but neither is in love with the other, then I guess a friendship would be just fine. As for why some of them act like real a-holes or snyde b*tches? It's called true colors. When they were interested in you they pretended to be nice lovely people, now that they aren't they treat you like ****, aka be themselves, why? because they are all done with trying to impress you now, your opinion doesn't any longer matter.
Author pleasebelieveme Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 1. Rationalization Carhill, what do you mean by this? -pbm
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Carhill, what do you mean by this? -pbm Why are dumpers so mean? Because they rationalize the "end" as being actions/perspectives/behaviors outside their control (in other words, "you") and absolve themselves of any responsibility for actions they might commit during and/or after the act of dumping. Does that sound like a reasonable possibility?
NopeNah Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Because they rationalize the "end" as being actions/perspectives/behaviors outside their control (in other words, "you") and absolve themselves of any responsibility for actions they might commit during and/or after the act of dumping. Does that sound like a reasonable possibility? What he's saying is... They "try" and make themselves feel better about what they(dumper) are doing, for their own benifit..which is true!
carhill Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 We have labored to produce rationalization for a dump. Hope they wipe afterwards Seriously, sometime, somewhere, someone has to be a bit more proactive. It's how they do this that defines them. Breakups are never easy (living through a D right now myself) so one will never avoid pain, but one also has a choice how they act and react. Choose wisely
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 (hoping2heal, the link in your sig seems to lead nowhere....)
NopeNah Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 We have labored to produce rationalization for a dump. Hope they wipe afterwards Seriously, sometime, somewhere, someone has to be a bit more proactive. It's how they do this that defines them. Breakups are never easy (living through a D right now myself) so one will never avoid pain, but one also has a choice how they act and react. Choose wisely So damn true!! Had to read it twice thanks to my vodka goggles though
Jdw_Icequeen Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Well also going through a D. But I have been trying to understand myself why he is being such a jerk. We need to have atleast a CIVIL relationship for the kids. Not friendship nothing else. Yet everytime I turn around its some sarcastic comment or him just being a strait @ss.. He should be on top of the world!! He has his new gf he left me for. I am not bothering him to get him back. So why all the anger? The head games etc. Its ridiculous and childish.
Author pleasebelieveme Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 Because they rationalize the "end" as being actions/perspectives/behaviors outside their control (in other words, "you") and absolve themselves of any responsibility for actions they might commit during and/or after the act of dumping. Does that sound like a reasonable possibility? It does, thanks. And I agree. I think they feel it's okay to say/do what they will following a breakup (to be absolved of their responsibilites, as you say) because they've been thinking about breaking up much longer than the dumpee thinks. So to them they've pretty much done everything mentally and emotionally to separate themselves from the relationship, and all they have to do is actually make the break. Once that's done, it doesn't matter what they do - they have little or no care for what happens at that point. If this is true, it is so sad. -pbm
carhill Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 So why all the anger? The head games etc. Its ridiculous and childish. IMO, a combination of frustration with failure and an immature way of handling the very real emotions of divorce. I'm dealing with it too, right now, and endeavor to process the difficult moments alone so as to be more cordial with my wife, which is not to say we don't have our difficult moments during negotiations. Neither of us are involved with anyone else, so there's no distractions. We've both pretty much detached and can handle things in a friendly manner most of the time. If anything, I'm the more emotional one, but MC has helped me manage it better. Hope things get better
EmperorR Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Because your like a stranger to them. I always find it odd all my exes want to be friends yet they never iniate contact if I don't contact them then nothing. That's why I say screw it, my last ex wanted to be friends she was fir a few days then poor been two months and nothing. Exes are mean because that's the type of person they are, ylr annoying them according to them, I always wonder to this day how for 3 years I was there for my cheating ex listened to all her problems and the one time I needed to hear me out I was a nuisance. Or my last ex beaten and abuses in her last relationship yet she treated that guy with more respect than she treated me.
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