MistyK Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 SidLyon posed an interesting question in another thread. I'm trying to figure out the answer for myself in my situation, but for the other OW and former OW here, I was wondering why you think you ended up with a MM and why did you tolerate being on the side for whatever amount of time it was/is?
ladydesigner Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Well for me I was the MW in an affair with a single man in a long-term relationship (pretty close to being a MM I guess). When the affair started I thought of it as good fun since I was lonely and he was my friend and it just happened. Then I fell for him hard and he for me as well. I don't think either of us was prepared for that. He did not enjoy being the OM as I did not enjoy being the OW and I am very thankful he ended things as painful as it was. So why I chose to be a piece of cake...out of circumstances I guess. I'm assuming my self-esteem must have been quite low.
Aquarius Rising Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 SidLyon posed an interesting question in another thread. I'm trying to figure out the answer for myself in my situation, but for the other OW and former OW here, I was wondering why you think you ended up with a MM and why did you tolerate being on the side for whatever amount of time it was/is? I never saw myself with a married man ..... I admit that before separation that I was attracted to other guys ..... and even fantasized about a life with them etc..... my husband and I have a relationship that has been plagued with conflict most of our 18yrs together ...... but I SO did not see this coming. I think my guard was down the night we met (alcohol induced), I was away from home on a work conference, and fairly plainly I was seduced but it was mutual ..... it was a series of long conversations and long kisses ...... 2 weeks later, he followed me up wanting more contact ...... I was smitten ..... but I wasn't in touch with reality at ALL ...... I was ten feet off the ground ...... and remained that way for the six week whirlwind attraction phase of the A..... I don't think anyone could have talked sense into me .... my PEA levels were soaring .... He was talking leaving his wife ... buying a house ... not returning to his homeland overseas (which he was schedule to do within a year).... We were completely OBSESSED with each other AND THEN HE TOLD HIS WIFE ABOUT US......... while I was away on vacaction with my husband and kids....... He still doesn't know why he did? Half of him thinks it was to END his marriage and have the excuse to walk away ...... the other half belives it was his guilt.......... I'll never know But, I'll never forget the carnage that followed ...... his family first and then mine. Strangely enough though ...... our feelings HAVE remained intense.... although he has made it clear that he CANNOT leave his wife and kids .... and this has been the torturous journey of the past 18 months. I have separated, can't go on deceiving myself another minute ..... he remains ..... and continues to betray her........ I don't get it!!! ...... but who am I to ask. In hindsight, we did the wrong thing morally ...... were we destined to meet in this lifetime and learn from each other ........ I think DEFINITELY ........ But then I'm from the school of thought that says everything happens for a reason ...... there is no such thing as co-incidence. And ...... everything costs ...... some of life's most valuable lessons cost the MOST. AR
jj33 Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I didnt feel like a piece of cake. We practically lived together for a period of time and his W didnt care so that wasnt my experience.
OWoman Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I was wondering why you think you ended up with a MM and why did you tolerate being on the side for whatever amount of time it was/is? I wasn't a cake, I was the whole menu! But to answer your question - I didn't "end up" with a MM, I chose to involve myself part-time with several guys (mostly M) simultaneously because of my own preferences. I'm omnivorous by nature, and the idea of getting everything from a single source made no sense to me. So it was hors d'oeuvres from one, veggies from another, meat from another, potatoes elsewhere, salads from the pick 'n mix... and several desserts, as my fancy took me. It worked very well for many years, and then I moved into a different space where I wanted, and needed, different things. But there are many worse things to be than cake - like that bit of burned cabbage at the bottom of the pot; the tough gristly piece of meat that's inedible; the overcooked carrots all flaccid and tasteless; the cold tea left in the cup. Cake, OTOH, is sweet, attractive, delicious...
GreenEyedLady Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 SidLyon posed an interesting question in another thread. I'm trying to figure out the answer for myself in my situation, but for the other OW and former OW here, I was wondering why you think you ended up with a MM and why did you tolerate being on the side for whatever amount of time it was/is? **Why do YOU tolerate being on the side?** I was never a traditional side dish. And I didn't know what I was getting into. But for whatever reason, we fell in love and it ended up working out. I didn't accept the usual excuses, had really high expectations and I didn't settle. That's why we ended up together. I really think that some people are meant to be, as cliche as that sounds. But he has truly changed and grown. I always say that we are imperfect, but we are perfect for each other. Some R's don't work, ours just does. GEL
Aquarius Rising Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 That's a great line ........ I will borrow that and use it some day .... I hope! That's just it .... none of us are perfect ... we've all made good and poor choices in our life For me ...... love is knowing EVERYTHING about each other and just accepting the other person for ALL of there previous life experiences. We are in continual movement, change and growth ... and that's why some relationships don't last ... because we don't stay the same forever!
sugarmomma Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 At first I listened to what he was saying about wanting "out". Then kind of went into a fantasy land thinking that we could have a good r in the future. But when I looked closer I know that it was because I didn't want anything serious and because I am unavailable, I attracted an unavailable man.So we were perfect for each other! I was also being very selfish and only concerned about what I wanted which at the time was him. I kind of think that maybe I knew that I would get out and kind of used him for sex and attention. Now I don't waste 2 seconds talking to a MM. In fact I am highly offended when one approaches me because my thinking now says "what makes him think that I am willing to accept his crumbs?" I am becoming more available and I would like to be in a healthy r some day. I decided to get out after 3 months because I also realized that I deserve more than what he could offer. Just working on myself, I know I needed that experience to show me why its not a good choice. I'm one of those people that has to learn from my own mistakes more than the mistakes of others. I still care for him. Just love me more!!
Ariadne Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 why you think you ended up with a MM and why did you tolerate being on the side for whatever amount of time it was/is? I made friends with him in college (many years ago) because he spoke Spanish and I immediately could relate to him. We sort of clicked from day one, and had great communication. He was also very bright and good at what he was doing, so I liked that about him. I started to hang out with him in the computer lab, and since he was married, I figured he was... like a priest! And naive that I was, we'd walk together to the parking lot in the summer nights through the beautiful campus... Next thing I knew I was head over heels. I tolerated (more than tolerated) it for a year because I was hoping we'd end up together in the end.
tami-chan Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 SidLyon posed an interesting question in another thread. I'm trying to figure out the answer for myself in my situation, but for the other OW and former OW here, I was wondering why you think you ended up with a MM and why did you tolerate being on the side for whatever amount of time it was/is? My xOM adored me and would have preferred for me to be front and center. I chose to be on the side as I am also married....both our marriages are not conventional marriages, so we didn't have a lot of drama. He, of course, as I have mentioned in another thread has filed for divorce from his wife.
OpenBook Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I was wondering why you think you ended up with a MM and why did you tolerate being on the side for whatever amount of time it was/is? Because I was in love with him, and because I was vulnerable. Both very dangerous reasons to get involved with anyone, single or married. I still don't know any GOOD reasons to get involved. Payback's a b*tch.
Author MistyK Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 **Why do YOU tolerate being on the side?** I'm still trying to figure that out. I have a couple of theories: One, I have invested so much time and energy and love, it seems easier to wait a little longer and not be made a fool than to admit I've been taken for a ride and wasted my time. I want to believe all this pain will be worth it someday. Two, I have intimacy issues and on some level his being married protected my self image in any failure of our relationship from being about me - I could blame it on his marital status. Three, he's incredibly good at manipulating me because he knows exactly how to trip my deepest issues. Four, I don't see any other "options" around me that interest me in the slightest. I really do fear I'll be alone forever. I feel like I'll never be right in the head - broken in a way that can't be fixed. Five, fairy-tale notions that love conquers all. Six, I have a very small and inconsistent group of friends - a lack of social support. Unfortunately, I rely too much on other people to validate my worth, I'm clinically depressed and have been since I was 7, and exceedingly codependent. I really like my therapist, but I think I've gone as far as I can with her. I am hesitant to blame my lack of progress as of late on her because I know I'm resisting wildly as if being suffocated. I am unsure what to do about that.
Sweet108 Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I did it for the passion to feel alive again to flirt with the waters of not knowing whether it would become sexual. Denial maybe but I was 100% prepared to end the fling right after it happened. Then afterward, he began communicating with me several times a day, sending gifts and lavishing more attention than I've known in years. He fills several needs with me. That was not expected. We are both in long term marriages with children. It won't be forever. Yes there is shame and guilt. It is wrong and we both know it. On the other hand brings a lot of happiness and satisfaction. There you go that's my story.
2sure Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 As a former OW : A relationship between a MM and a single OW always seems to require one single particular formula. The OW must be vulnerable in some way. Emotionally lonely, Financial Hardship, or otherwise unhappy and having an empty place in her life. Women who are not vulnerable do not become prey and do not accept this position. Affairs for MM are a selfish thing. They want to be someone's knight in shining armor - even if its just with words. When I was OW, I didnt see how vulnerable I was. Looking back...I thought I was in control. MM would take care of me in the only tangible way he could - cars, gifts, trips, etc. I thought that if I wasnt getting the benefit of an public relationship - that at least these things made my life easier and he was happy to be able to do those things for me in that limited way. I still dont know why some OW stay in without any advantage to themselves whatsoever. Like I said - I thought I was in control. Nope. Train Wreck. I was just driving.
silktricks Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 As a one-time (long ago and far away) OW. I was just divorced and at an all-time low. He was charming and I wanted to make sure I was in a situation where I was in control instead of the man. I didn't want full-time anything and certainly didn't want a situation where I had the slightest chance of falling in love. Going in, I knew he was a serial cheater. It was very short. I chose to end it and we parted amicably. I no longer remember his name..... I wasn't able to look myself in the mirror for years afterward, and didn't totally forgive myself for a very long time. I hurt my opinion of me. I didn't hurt him and I'm certain his wife never knew (which of course doesn't mean she wasn't hurt by my actions).
OWoman Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 A relationship between a MM and a single OW always seems to require one single particular formula. The OW must be vulnerable in some way. Emotionally lonely, Financial Hardship, or otherwise unhappy and having an empty place in her life. Women who are not vulnerable do not become prey and do not accept this position. I'd like to take issue with the sweeping generalisation you posit. While I'm sure that many OWs are vulnerable, and that formula may well hold true in many cases, it wasn't so in my case. It was a situation I actively chose because of what I wanted and needed at the time. I chose it from a position of strength, not from a position of vulnerability. I wasn't prey, I was the predator. I didn't accept the position, I chose - and defined - it, the way I wanted. I got exactly what I wanted. And, when I wanted something different, I went after that and got that too.
2sure Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 Oh yes, by all means take issue with the sweeping generalization. it wasnt and is never intended. I was lazy. I need a disclaimer. lol.
Owl Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I'd suggest from my experience here on this site and others that there tend to be three categories of OW/OM (along the lines of this thread). 1. Intentional side-dishes. OW/OM that only want an affair, and go into that situation knowingly and intentionally. Owoman BEFORE she met her current MM, or Lizzie60 are prime examples of this. They tend to be well satisified with their relationships as they are normally the ones who define it and control how far it goes. 2. OW/OM who INSIST on being the "main course". GEL, and Owoman's current situation are prime examples. Once the relationship started, they knew exactly what they wanted, what they wanted the relationship to become, and refused to accept anything less. Since they refused to accept less, and refused to be led along to accept that...they both ended up satisfied with their relationships because of that. 3. Unintentional side dishes. This is probably the majority of OW/OM for the most part. They may WANT to be a main dish, but they don't insist on it. They let the MM/MW set the tone and pace of the relationship, and accept getting less out of the relationship than what they really wanted when they started it.
NoIDidn't Posted June 18, 2009 Posted June 18, 2009 I don't think that only the OPs are the "cake" in these Triangles. I'm always amazed when they report feeling victimized by their own choices. Sorry guys, but for those that submitted to being "cake", this just seems like a pity party. GEL and OWoman refused those titles. While I don't applaud them for their part in bringing about the end of someone else's marriage - I do applaud them for demanding respect and getting it.
Author MistyK Posted June 18, 2009 Author Posted June 18, 2009 I don't think that only the OPs are the "cake" in these Triangles. I'm always amazed when they report feeling victimized by their own choices. Sorry guys, but for those that submitted to being "cake", this just seems like a pity party. GEL and OWoman refused those titles. While I don't applaud them for their part in bringing about the end of someone else's marriage - I do applaud them for demanding respect and getting it. No pity party. GEL and OWoman came from a position of strength that I envy. It seems logical enough, but there are a lot of us who can't seem to muster that kind of strength. Everyone has different reasons and this just explores those reasons.
Stung Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 Ten or eleven years ago...not sure, anymore...I was an OW, for about six months. I was in my early 20s, and had been through a really traumatic incident which turned me away from men/romance for almost two years when I met him, the first guy to make me take notice at all in all that time. He pursued me strongly and it was only after I started dating him that he told me he was engaged to be married. I felt guilty and conflicted but I was young, naive, callow, and vulnerable. I believed him when he told me he wasn't sure he was going to go through with the wedding, that he was only doing it because it was expected of him, and he didn't really feel that he loved her. I thought I was helping him sort his life out . Plus, he was exciting, his touch felt magnetic. At one point, he asked if I would move in with him if he broke it off with her. I took this as a sign of his genuine emotion for me, but I told him I couldn't be that cold, and that I thought he'd need some time off between us to just think about things before he moved someone else into what used to be her home, too. Now I see that he probably knew me well enough to know I would say that and keep me on his line. Anyway, he claimed that I 'wasn't really there for him' and he got married. The day of his wedding, I was an emotional wreck, but I tried to stand firm: I had told him that once he was a MM, that was it for us, it was over. Two weeks after his wedding, right after he got back from his honeymoon, he came looking for me. I was weak, and emotional, and slept with him again, once. But only once. Not that that makes any of it better. I couldn't believe what I had done, after. It was bad enough fooling around with a man who was engaged but uncertain, now I had slept with a newlywed. I felt sick at how I had betrayed a woman I had never even met, and how I had betrayed myself by crossing a line I had never thought I'd cross. The next time he came sniffing around, I was resolute. I didn't even let him in the door. I bumped into him out one night and I was tipsy and oh-so-tempted, but I refused the 'ride home' he offered me...and he took yet another girl (definitely not his wife) home. He kept trying to call me for almost a year, but I installed Caller ID and stopped picking up. It was hard, but it had to be done. Since then I've grown older, stronger. Never crossed any lines like that again. Over the years I learned how to be in progressively happier and healthier relationships. And in a couple of months, I'm getting married to a man I love deeply who treats me like gold.
White Flower Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 As a former OW : A relationship between a MM and a single OW always seems to require one single particular formula. The OW must be vulnerable in some way. Emotionally lonely, Financial Hardship, or otherwise unhappy and having an empty place in her life. Women who are not vulnerable do not become prey and do not accept this position. Affairs for MM are a selfish thing. They want to be someone's knight in shining armor - even if its just with words. When I was OW, I didnt see how vulnerable I was. Looking back...I thought I was in control. MM would take care of me in the only tangible way he could - cars, gifts, trips, etc. I thought that if I wasnt getting the benefit of an public relationship - that at least these things made my life easier and he was happy to be able to do those things for me in that limited way. I still dont know why some OW stay in without any advantage to themselves whatsoever. Like I said - I thought I was in control. Nope. Train Wreck. I was just driving. Regarding the bolded part, couldn't the same be true for single people? I'm not sure it's exclusive of OWs. Regarding the italicized part, not all of us consider ourselves to be without advantage. Not that you're saying this, but why do so many people say MM use OWs for sex? Don't OWs get white hot sex as well? I got into it because I fell in love with someone who complimented me and my life. I had no idea what I was going to be tolerating so I guess I was delusional in thinking that I'd be fine with just an A.
NoIDidn't Posted June 19, 2009 Posted June 19, 2009 I'd like to take issue with the sweeping generalisation you posit. While I'm sure that many OWs are vulnerable, and that formula may well hold true in many cases, it wasn't so in my case. It was a situation I actively chose because of what I wanted and needed at the time. I chose it from a position of strength, not from a position of vulnerability. I wasn't prey, I was the predator. I didn't accept the position, I chose - and defined - it, the way I wanted. I got exactly what I wanted. And, when I wanted something different, I went after that and got that too. Actually there is a book about this generalization called The Married Man-Single Woman Syndrome. I forget the author. But he's supposed to be a therapist who saw this play out in his office enough to write a book about it.
OWoman Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 Actually there is a book about this generalization called The Married Man-Single Woman Syndrome. I forget the author. But he's supposed to be a therapist who saw this play out in his office enough to write a book about it. Richard Tuch - "the Single Woman - Married Man Syndrome". Hmm. The blurb describes his premise as: "Based on an unconscious agreement to gratify each other's internal longings, the complementary dynamics in these relationships result in regression, feelings of powerlessness, and the loss of the autonomous self, making it excedingly difficult foe either partner to leave." I'd argue that that's probably true for ONE TYPE of A. And it's obviously going to be people who're unhappy in the A that land up in a shrink's office now, isn't it? Why would someone like me - empowered and happy with the lifestyle I was enjoying - seek therapy? So of course he's not going to see those kinds of As in a clinical setting.
scaredinlove Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 In my case was that I was very lonely and unhappy and I fell in love with him so deeply that I ended up being his OW for 7 years. I was married in the beginning than I divorced. He ended up divorcing but things didn't work out and he returned to his wife . We ended our R in a very bad tone 10 months ago ... Now he is looking me up again... We just had/have a connection that I never had with anyone in my life and don't think I ever will again. It went above and beyond physical involvement. Now many months later we are trying to be friends or civil... I would never be his OW again but it is so easy to talk to him. He knows me better than anyone ever will. I had opened my heart and soul to him... I think we are soul mates that were not meant to be.Honestly that is what I think it is and that is why we were in the situation we were for so long. There are many articles out there about the subject , most say we being dealing with certain kind of rejection from childhood...Who knows ....
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