Living together, she wants to move out and take a break but still offers hope...

June 16, 2009

..but I'm not sure if it's false hope.

Background

me: 27

her: 23

Started dating Oct, 2006--she moved in with me around a year later; then we relocated together and moved into our own place 1000 miles away, in September of 2008.

About a month ago she approached me with some concerns that the relationship didn't have what it took to last. I asked her what in particular and she expressed that I didn't want kids (I replied I never said that) and that my drinking on the weekends interfered as well.

I will admit that I had/have a drinking habit that was basically carried over from my previous ex but this was the first time it was sort of laid on the line and I can respect that I had messed that up--but it wasn't news either, this wasn't a new development (for perspective). [Later she admitted the concern went further back but that she had never directly broached the subject with me]

I agreed that it was something I wanted to change and we had a bit of an emotional reconciliation there as well (In retrospect, I suppose that's when a "second chance" started even though at the time I was thinking of it more as a simple conflict and resolution). I hadn't had more than a casual drink since.

Not long after that she had expressed a desire to visit her mother and hinted very indirectly that she would prefer to do so alone (I've visited them with her a few times and we all get along very well). I had been suspicious as to why but never really brought it up.

A few days (last wednesday) before she was leaving for her parents I had noticed that she had been detached and shied away from my affection so I finally said something and she expressed that she didn't think she could give our relationship a "fair chance" while we were still living together; that she has reflexes previously developed during our relationship that are interfering and thought a break of a month (or more) would be beneficial.

Obviously this was all a blow to me but at the time I had thought she meant she wanted to move in with a friend for a month and get some distance but I've since learned that this would include at the very least her moving in with someone else as a roommate (i.e. separate lease). Now it sounded a little more dire and most of the language she was using seemed to be more and more negative towards the success of any reconciliation.

This evening we are supposed to be having a sit down talk where I can potentially get some more concrete answers as to whether she wants to make it work or is only dangling false hope in front me. I fear that I won't be able to find out since she seems confused about this as well.

I guess I don't know how to proceed--I'd like to be able to do counseling if only to get to the bottom of why she thinks a break could fix something where it appears to me she's running from it. She did not shoot down my suggestion but I think she would still prefer to do it after a break which I can't understand helping at all.

I'm rambling a bit now so I'll cut this part off for now.

-------

From what I've read here over the past couple days it seems to me that You will all say it's over. And from knowing myself I think that NC would be the best bet for my own healing. However, this is slightly complicated by the fact that we still live together. Secondly, I don't know how well NC will work when I don't have any friends to engage with since moving up here. I've been reaching out more lately but it's going to take some time. Thirdly, I don't know how long it will take to get to the point of NC if we need to collaborate on fixing the living situation (e.g. both of us moving out or me finding a roommate, etc.) Finally there's the worry that she wants to continue contact and I'm having a hard time arguing with myself that NC is the best for me when it may hurt her as well.

I know that in the long run it may become irrelevant because I'd stop caring, but it's almost impossible to fathom that possibility at the moment.

I might have information to update after tonight--hell, maybe I find out that it was all false hope and she doesn't care if we never talk again, makes things "easier" even if it doesn't uncomplicate the living situation.

I welcome any support or translation of feelings or just about anything at this point.

June 16, 2009

Once you find out about the other guy, all the pieces will fall right into place. Save your anguish for when you find out the truth.

I'm telling you man - when a woman does these things seemingly out of the blue in an otherwise OK relationship:

rewrites your relationship history

needs 'space'

shies away from any physical interaction

wants to move out

wants to take trips, etc. alone

says she is 'confused'

doesn't want to work on the relationship problems

wants to remain 'friends' (being nice is supposed to assuage guilt)

... you can bet the farm that there is another guy involved on some level.

I would not do a thing. Not a THING until you find out what is really going on.

I'd start with her cell - numbers, texts, etc.

June 16, 2009

Our situation is similar in some ways. Have you seen my thread?http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192055/

If she decides tonight that she wants space, give it to her. But I think it is a fair question to ask, is there any chance you will get back together in the near future?

June 16, 2009

But I think it is a fair question to ask, is there any chance you will get back together in the near future?

I'll bet you everything I own I can tell you the answer shes going to give you: 'I dont know'

Once you find out about the other guy, all the pieces will fall right into place

Was thinking the exact same thing. Women dont walk away from a guy thats willing to move in with them and spend their life together, unless there is another guy. Dont do a thing, just see what happens, LB is right on.

June 16, 2009

I've been there.

I was living with my ex for years, and things had gotten so unbearable, I moved out (to another state, actually), though we both never said it was over. We both agreed we would still try to work it out.

We still saw each other LD on weekends and such for about 6 months after that.

It's just hard when you are splitting up to be so totally final. It's hard to verbalize that it's over for good, so most people talk like there is still hope.

But, I would say if she is moving out, then it probably is over.

June 16, 2009

Confused = I cant think of a good reason to break up with you other than the real one, which is I found somone else. Thats why she wont give you a concrete answer about reconciliation.

The real reason...She got bored of you brother, for whatever reason.

Get her out as soon as you can. You cant do NC while living with her, but you can do LC= limited contact.

That is, you basically are just responding to her with grunts and groans because you know shes lying her ass off to you. Shes a coward, and thats how you treat her. Act like you dont WANT to talk to her. Since she pulls away from you, you pull away more. Start going out, find those friends quickly, and if she asks any questions, be vague and short with your answers. Since she wants to kick you off for another guy, she doesnt deserve any more nice treatment from you. You will have to treat this like she cheated on you (emotionally she did) and theres no chance of you two getting back together. Shes 23, shes young, and her friends already told her that she needs to play the field.

Remember, she pulls back now, you pull back more. Got it?

June 16, 2009

I know this won't make you feel better but...

My ex became distant, asked for space...then a break...then when I asked after a few weeks if she wanted to work things out she said NO. And yes there was another guy. These girls will kill us!

June 17, 2009

I know this won't make you feel better but...

My ex became distant, asked for space...then a break...then when I asked after a few weeks if she wanted to work things out she said NO. And yes there was another guy. These girls will kill us!

Thats pretty much the way it goes. Its all about the moment, people will lie to your face just to get away, and when they run to someone else, they dont care how you feel anymore.

LB pretty much nailed it, when women start doing any of that stuff, you can bet the farm they have their eyes on another guy.

June 17, 2009

From what I've read here over the past couple days it seems to me that You will all say it's over.

Yes. That is exactly what I would say.

It is over as of right now. The second she said she started using excuses to pull away (notice how even when addressed it didn't make a difference - i.e. drinking, not wanting children, etc.).

And from knowing myself I think that NC would be the best bet for my own healing. However, this is slightly complicated by the fact that we still live together.

Yes. It is necessary for YOU. You can BET she is not thinking about you first - she is concerned with herself - hence her not addressing problems to get them resolved but as excuses to end it.

The "break" is cowardly. It is done because she wants out - for right now - but wants to leave the door cracked just in case she wants to come running back just in case the grass that looks so green isn't really -- sound FAIR? Sound LOVING and KIND? No. Selfish and hurtful is more like it.

And the living together isn't a problem. Very soon you won't be.

No discussion. Grunt and one word answer her through until she is out of the place - and then go LC (only when absolutely necessary due to having a combined life) - but no chats about her and how she is etc. OR about YOURS. She doesn't get to know anything about your life. That privilege was given to her because she was part of it. You must make her see what it is really like not to be part of it.

Secondly, I don't know how well NC will work when I don't have any friends to engage with since moving up here. I've been reaching out more lately but it's going to take some time.

Then that becomes your focus and how you fill your time. That is your new project. You need a new life and focus. Get BUSY creating that - and without her input or opinions.

Thirdly, I don't know how long it will take to get to the point of NC if we need to collaborate on fixing the living situation (e.g. both of us moving out or me finding a roommate, etc.) Finally there's the worry that she wants to continue contact and I'm having a hard time arguing with myself that NC is the best for me when it may hurt her as well.

She is killing you right now dude. She is hurting you and destroying your relationship.

She is doing so without having given you a chance to remedy things or address them.

I GUARANTEE she has been thinking a lot of these things (and more that you don't know about) for a LONG time but never talked with you about it at all. Nice, huh?

Do not worry about her feelings. Do not consider them in any decision AT ALL.

That is a doormat move. DO NOT be a doormat and if you have been then STOP THAT NOW.

I might have information to update after tonight--hell, maybe I find out that it was all false hope and she doesn't care if we never talk again, makes things "easier" even if it doesn't uncomplicate the living situation.

Quit asking about second chances - if you have been.

At this point she is ending the relationship as you know it and as you want it.

Do not settle for what she thinks she should dole out to alleviate her guilt and keep you hanging on.

You deserve better than that. You would have treated her better than she is treating you.

You would have addressed problems and honor the commitment you have made that you are working toward building a future together.

She is choosing to cut and run. At this point it has to do with things outside of the relationship as much as she wants to find fault with you (the drinking, not wanting kids, tec.) it sits squarely on her shoulders and any talk is just spinning anyway. Why listen to it? You aren't going to get the truth. You aren't going to get a straight answer.

And you deserve better. I can't stress that enough.

rewrites your relationship history
needs 'space'
shies away from any physical interaction
wants to move out
wants to take trips, etc. alone
says she is 'confused'
doesn't want to work on the relationship problems
wants to remain 'friends' (being nice is supposed to assuage guilt)

... you can bet the farm that there is another guy involved on some level.

Absolutely true. It may even be the "idea" of someone different. But you can bet on it that she's be looking elsewhere or will be.

But I think it is a fair question to ask, is there any chance you will get back together in the near future?

No sense in asking that question. You are begging to be strung along.

And this is true:

I'll bet you everything I own I can tell you the answer shes going to give you: 'I dont know'

Or it'll be, "I just need time". YEAH time to see what else is out there before you decide if me and our life together is as good as it gets?!! "I'm not waiting around to see if you'll decide to settle for me. I'm stellar and if you can't see it ADIOS. F' Off."

That is, you basically are just responding to her with grunts and groans because you know shes lying her ass off to you. Shes a coward, and thats how you treat her. Act like you dont WANT to talk to her. Since she pulls away from you, you pull away more. Start going out, find those friends quickly, and if she asks any questions, be vague and short with your answers. ...

Remember, she pulls back now, you pull back more. Got it?

Listen to the man.

I pulled this same crap quite a few times in my day.

Nothing has changed - even the word choices are the same.

Do what boogieboy is suggesting.

IF you are ever going to get back together -- IF -- and I do not suggest you sit around hoping for it -- BUT IF it happens she is going to need to PROVE that she is in it for the long haul. She will need to earn her way back to where you just were.

You are going to have to be in a place mentally where you can make that happen. If you jump right back in you will end up where you are now.

All of the NC - not buying her emotional blackmail dribble - and not allowing yourself to be strung along is CRUCIAL.

You need to remember you are a good man who was honest and committed. That is worthy of better treatment and there are certainly women out there who'll appreciate you.

She doesn't and it is HER LOSS.

June 17, 2009

You MUST listen to Island Girl, she has played all these games in her dating life, and she tells you exactly what the women could be thinking when they do these things.

I just read for the 2nd time, in another thread, that even with a months break of NC, the woman gets back with the guy, then dumps him 3 days later because "im not attracted to you anymore - im just not feelin it".

Once they lose that attraction, it doesnt come back, even if they try. So trust me, move on. Since she lives with you for now, you will have to try harder to move on.

June 17, 2009

Sit down with her calmly, tell her that you love her, you feel you have both invested a lot of time and effort into your relationship to just chuck it away. Tell her you would like her to respect you by being honest about what she is thinking and feeling even if it's going to hurt you. If she still won't talk then at least you know you did everything you could. (By the way not all women are like this, I was with my ex for 18 years, since 15 years old, till he left me 3 months ago. I never so much as looked at another guy. I believe in commitment and respect for others, we are out there).

June 17, 2009

Wow, thanks for all the quick responses.

We did have a talk last night--walked to a park to get out of the house. I suppose things went better and worse (or maybe just different) than I expected.

You are all quick to judge, and I have a feeling that's because you are speaking from experience and not just hatred of all dumpers () but I think--perhaps incorrectly--that she was sincere about everything she had to say.

I'll try to go by points (probably no longer in order).

1) She continues with the same doubts as before (I explain that I can't simply promise away her doubts--that it's a gamble no matter what, but knowing the flaws is positive). She also expressed that she felt responsible for my happiness, but I said that isn't true--I'm ultimately responsible for my own, and hers herself.

2)Apparently one thing that "changed" between the first talk we had (where the second chance sort of started) was her realizing her aversion to my affection due to being negatively associated with my previous drinking habit. I can't claim innocence, though I do think it's a tiny bit revisionist. Perhaps she's choosing some negatives over the positives and has a hard time shaking it--I don't know.

3) The "break" appears to be an honest attempt by her--that it would put us back on even footing (i.e. that we maybe moved in too fast). That may be true, BUT at least part of the motivation seems to have been guilt--she doesn't feel she gave it a fair chance after promising to do so and now feels obligated. (I told her that she can't feel _obligated_ to try or that would never work anyway)

4) There isn't anyone else (yet). I expressed my concerns over using a "break" as a way to string me along--she was pretty upset (not angry) about the implication and explained that she doesn't want to prevent me from looking elsewhere. I did explain--and she agreed--that thinking someone else was a better choice from limited contact was pretty naive simply because of the freshness of it. (I didn't expect to get anywhere with that, I was just using it to probe a little more about the possibility of another person. )

----

She seems to be honestly broken up about this--maybe moreso than me at this point.

----

5) I had offered the idea that I move out instead of us both moving (again, trying to probe her intentions); her response was that she wouldn't want to stay there either due to the memories that are there.

6) Regarding if it would ever work: *ding ding* "I don't know". My present position on this is that she is mostly sincere (if lying to herself); and by that I think she would _prefer_ that she not have the doubts and reactions she does. I'm extremely skeptical that the break would actually accomplish anything to that end so "I don't know" may be as close to correct as any other statement.

7) A separate thing that she brought up is that perhaps our personalities aren't the perfect match for each other. I told her that she's probably right and that it's almost "certain" there is someone out there that is a better match; but it's just as "certain" you never meet them and even if you did the probability is high that you could go through the same thought process indefinitely. I'm considering at this point that this line of thinking is her way of trying to better justify the decision she has already made but I don't know--I can understand if she had this concern before and ignored it.

I'm sure I'm forgetting some things.

The bottom-line is that I came out of it a lot calmer than I would have thought--I think it's because a lot of doors were closed (at least on my end, I'm not sure that anything actually changed from her perspective). It also could still be some denial--I'm sure I'll find out soon.

It seems that her moving out and us suspending contact is inevitable; the variables that still exist is simply the timeline for us to accomplish this. Then I'll be moving forward with trying to get out and build _MY_ life here that I never really accomplished with her. I suppose I don't know if I can ever completely quash the hope that she _tries_ to come back, but I'm already beginning to wonder how easily I could accept her if she did.

I know some of this still sounds wishy-washy but I don't know how easily I can be concrete when it is my interest (not emotional) to stay amicable until we can sort out the living situations.

Well, I wrote you guys another book, I hope it's a best seller. I do have to say that I was a little more shaken after reading your replies (_after_ she and I had talked). I suppose it's too much to ask to be numb at this point in time.

June 17, 2009

You are all quick to judge, and I have a feeling that's because you are speaking from experience and not just hatred of all dumpers ()

Not entirely -- I was the dumper and I certainly don't hate myself. Knowing what I do now I would not have behaved as I did.

But knowing what I did then there was no other choice.

but I think--perhaps incorrectly--that she was sincere about everything she had to say.

Here is the conundrum. I too had many of these kinds of talks - I am not saying she has had many - but this was my serial pattern.

And I meant what I was saying entirely.

Just as I wanted to mean forever when I said it -- and when I said it I meant it but I really wasn't in a place to be able to provide that kind of commitment to anybody.

I wanted it. But I would run from it, sabotage it, and it would become overwhelming to me so I had to shut it down.

I just had some growing up to do - and some inner love and strength to discover.

You sound like you are really together and have a good head on your shoulders.

I am glad you got what you wanted out of the talk with her.

I only wish you the best. I think you deserve it - as does everybody.

June 17, 2009

Thanks, I appreciate the sentiment.

I know how irrational emotions are, but I'm hoping I can actually temper that with my intellect. It's a long shot, but priding myself on being rational in other cases (well, I am an engineer) would make me disappointed to throw it entirely away in the face of a broken heart.

June 17, 2009

I know how irrational emotions are, but I'm hoping I can actually temper that with my intellect. It's a long shot, but priding myself on being rational in other cases (well, I am an engineer) would make me disappointed to throw it entirely away in the face of a broken heart.

Admirable to say the least.

She's walking away from such a good one.

But you do deserve someone who truly appreciates you and adores you - faults and all.

And I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. Really mean it. I don't do that anymore.

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