kangarookid Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hi all, I'm an MM of 4.5 years, but have been having an emotional affair with a mutual Friend for around 2 years now. I say emotional affair, but early on in this "friendship", we did kiss and cuddle somewhat. We managed to organise some believably innocent meetings together, to be together, and our respective partners trusted us. The thing was/is that we absolutely connected, everything seemed/still seems to fit with us, like we were made for each other. But then theres my wife, she is so kind, caring, loving and forgiving, and I love her. My wife uncovered the affair with the discovery of an email in which I said some romantic things about the friend. It all came out and I prepared for the worst. but my wife didnt want us too split, because I never slept with the OW, she felt we could get past this, on the condition I broke contact with the friend. I agreed to this. The thing is no matter how hard I have tried, I just can't cut her out of life, we have agreed to NC, but within days/sometimes hours we decide we cant do it. The thought of not having her in my life is too much, and she feels the same I believe...my wife knows contact hasnt been broken 6 months later, and has now decided she has had enough. I dont want her to go but cannot break contact with the OW. We havnt had anymore contact than phone calls in this 6 months, but understandably(I guess) this is still too much for my wife. I expect I sound pretty pathetic, but if anyone has any advice i'd like to hear it. kk
tami-chan Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hi all, I'm an MM of 4.5 years, but have been having an emotional affair with a mutual Friend for around 2 years now. I say emotional affair, but early on in this "friendship", we did kiss and cuddle somewhat. We managed to organise some believably innocent meetings together, to be together, and our respective partners trusted us. The thing was/is that we absolutely connected, everything seemed/still seems to fit with us, like we were made for each other. But then theres my wife, she is so kind, caring, loving and forgiving, and I love her. My wife uncovered the affair with the discovery of an email in which I said some romantic things about the friend. It all came out and I prepared for the worst. but my wife didnt want us too split, because I never slept with the OW, she felt we could get past this, on the condition I broke contact with the friend. I agreed to this. The thing is no matter how hard I have tried, I just can't cut her out of life, we have agreed to NC, but within days/sometimes hours we decide we cant do it. The thought of not having her in my life is too much, and she feels the same I believe...my wife knows contact hasnt been broken 6 months later, and has now decided she has had enough. I dont want her to go but cannot break contact with the OW. We havnt had anymore contact than phone calls in this 6 months, but understandably(I guess) this is still too much for my wife. I expect I sound pretty pathetic, but if anyone has any advice i'd like to hear it. kk So you are waiting for your wife to divorce you so you do not have to make THAT decision?
HsMomma Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hi all, I'm an MM of 4.5 years, but have been having an emotional affair with a mutual Friend for around 2 years now. I say emotional affair, but early on in this "friendship", we did kiss and cuddle somewhat. We managed to organise some believably innocent meetings together, to be together, and our respective partners trusted us. The thing was/is that we absolutely connected, everything seemed/still seems to fit with us, like we were made for each other. But then theres my wife, she is so kind, caring, loving and forgiving, and I love her. My wife uncovered the affair with the discovery of an email in which I said some romantic things about the friend. It all came out and I prepared for the worst. but my wife didnt want us too split, because I never slept with the OW, she felt we could get past this, on the condition I broke contact with the friend. I agreed to this. The thing is no matter how hard I have tried, I just can't cut her out of life, we have agreed to NC, but within days/sometimes hours we decide we cant do it. The thought of not having her in my life is too much, and she feels the same I believe...my wife knows contact hasnt been broken 6 months later, and has now decided she has had enough. I dont want her to go but cannot break contact with the OW. We havnt had anymore contact than phone calls in this 6 months, but understandably(I guess) this is still too much for my wife. I expect I sound pretty pathetic, but if anyone has any advice i'd like to hear it. kk And, seriously, what did you expect your wife to do? Be willing to let you have your cake & eat it too? You are the one who has refused to comply with NC. Advice? YOU file for divorce & give your wife a chance to move on with her life & find someone who will love her as she should be loved. You say you love her, but your actions scream that you don't. You guess it's understandable that this is too much for your wife? How would you feel if the situation were reversed? Not so great, I bet.
Author kangarookid Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 Gee thanks, very useful, of course I had never given this consideration....
HsMomma Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Gee thanks, very useful, of course I had never given this consideration.... You asked - I answered. It wasn't, I'm sure, the answer you wanted, but hey, when you come on LS, you're going to get answers you don't necessarily like. And, with the actions you yourself say you've taken, you are the last person who should be indulging in sarcasm when someone states what should've been obvious to you long ago.
seibert253 Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 As been said, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Time to choose; your wife and marriage, or your OW and roll the dice. Choose wisely my friend.
Snowflower Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 Hi all, My wife uncovered the affair with the discovery of an email in which I said some romantic things about the friend. It all came out and I prepared for the worst. but my wife didnt want us too split, because I never slept with the OW, she felt we could get past this, on the condition I broke contact with the friend. I agreed to this. This is a perfect example of why an EA is more destructive to a marriage than a strict PA. Unfortunately, a lot of BS feel that, "well as long as you didn't sleep with your OM/OW, then it's okay." Yeah, right. Obviously this is not the case here because the A is still going on regardless of whether you slept with the OW. Emotional entanglements make it more difficult for a WS to remove themselves from the situation. KK - I know you're getting some harsh advice but honestly, your wife forgave you and gave you another chance but you kept in contact with the OW. Now your wife has given up. Can you blame her?
Reggie Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Your wife gets to call this one. It's out of your hands, regardless, isn't it? So, just don't put up anu form of resistance.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I suspect once the reality of your wife leaving you sets in, you'll have a much clearer notion of what to do. She is forcing a choice on you, and now is the time to make it: lose your wife, or lose your OW. Imagine waking up one day, and you wake up to an empty bed. Whose absence would you feel more keenly? W or OW?
Author kangarookid Posted June 17, 2009 Author Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks all, I know what I need to do, obviously I kinda always did. Whether I will and can is another matter. KK
Dexter Morgan Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 The thing is no matter how hard I have tried, I just can't cut her out of life, we have agreed to NC, but within days/sometimes hours we decide we cant do it. The thought of not having her in my life is too much, and she feels the same I believe...my wife knows contact hasnt been broken 6 months later, and has now decided she has had enough. I dont want her to go but cannot break contact with the OW. then it sounds that you cherish the OW more than your wife and the marriage. Its best that your wife has had enough and will take steps to leave. We havnt had anymore contact than phone calls in this 6 months, but understandably(I guess) this is still too much for my wife. I expect I sound pretty pathetic, but if anyone has any advice i'd like to hear it. kk nothing really to advise other than if your wife is preparing for divorce, go with it. If the threat of divorce, or actually going through with it, isn't enough of a wake up call for you to cut contact with some other woman, then you need to be divorced.
bentnotbroken Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Thanks all, I know what I need to do, obviously I kinda always did. Whether I will and can is another matter. KK Grow some nads and let your wife find a faithful person who will respect her more than you do, or tell her to go have an EA of her own so that she can enjoy the same pleasure you are having.
2sure Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 I know what I need to do, obviously I kinda always did. Whether I will and can is another matter. Clearly. And its a good thing both you and your wife have acknowledged this. Previously you and the OW were making decisions about your wife's life without her own knowledge. Now she is making her own. Are you here to try to get some insight into "Whether I will and can is another matter".... Many times people know what the right thing to do is - but choose to do differently. Thats what you've done. Your statement makes it sound as though you believe your didnt choose to have this OW in your life. Is that what you believe?
delirious Posted June 17, 2009 Posted June 17, 2009 Hi all, I'm an MM of 4.5 years, but have been having an emotional affair with a mutual Friend for around 2 years now. I say emotional affair, but early on in this "friendship", we did kiss and cuddle somewhat. We managed to organise some believably innocent meetings together, to be together, and our respective partners trusted us. The thing was/is that we absolutely connected, everything seemed/still seems to fit with us, like we were made for each other. But then theres my wife, she is so kind, caring, loving and forgiving, and I love her. My wife uncovered the affair with the discovery of an email in which I said some romantic things about the friend. It all came out and I prepared for the worst. but my wife didnt want us too split, because I never slept with the OW, she felt we could get past this, on the condition I broke contact with the friend. I agreed to this. The thing is no matter how hard I have tried, I just can't cut her out of life, we have agreed to NC, but within days/sometimes hours we decide we cant do it. The thought of not having her in my life is too much, and she feels the same I believe...my wife knows contact hasnt been broken 6 months later, and has now decided she has had enough. I dont want her to go but cannot break contact with the OW. We havnt had anymore contact than phone calls in this 6 months, but understandably(I guess) this is still too much for my wife. I expect I sound pretty pathetic, but if anyone has any advice i'd like to hear it. kk Hi KK - you sounds like my MM, although our affair is physical too. The feelings are so incredibly strong. It can happen without realising, i understand and so do many OW on this site, but some people never get that connection. You can be having a laugh with someone for a while, a coffee a chat, and boom, you find yourself transported somewhere else, feeling things you never expected. If you have to make a choice, good luck with that, i have no advice on it, other than i know how hard it must be and sympathise and feel what you probably feel here. It's a very rocky road, but i would not turn back from feeling it. I think it is a rare thing.
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